He just dumped me

[AgentB]

I'm feeling so sad....

I had booked a flight to go visit him just three weeks ago. Everything had been going well. We had been talking every day since Feb. He video called me around May 1st, I finally told him I wanted to go visit in June, and asked if I could stay with him. He said sure and I said I'd look into flights that weekend. When I looked at flights the Monday night I checked with him to make sure the dates worked okay and he said they did.

Two weeks ago he started getting all quiet. I thought something was up, but I didn't ask thinking he was just busy with work or whatever.

This morning, he just messaged me saying "I'm seeing somebody now. You can't really stay in June. So sorry. I messed up."

I'm so hurt and confused. Why would he let me make plans to come visit him, book a flight and everything, and now this...?

[differentcountries]

He sounds very confused. It a strange way of breaking up with someone (regardless of weather or not he is actually seeing someone).

Maybe you can get a refund on the tickets? If not, perhaps something else to do there or nearby.

I am sorry. Sometimes things dont make much sense.

[AgentB]

He sounds very confused. It a strange way of breaking up with someone (regardless of weather or not he is actually seeing someone).

Maybe you can get a refund on the tickets? If not, perhaps something else to do there or nearby.

I am sorry. Sometimes things dont make much sense.

Hi @differentcountries

Yes, he does sound very confused. I just talked to him a little more, told him this hurts a lot. Told him I cared about him a lot, and asked him if he knew that. He said he thought so.

Three weekends ago he called me, and I told him I was interested to come visit him in June, and asked if I could stay with him. He said sure that would be fine. He also expressed interest in coming to visit me in Toronto this summer in July or August. And before I booked the trip, I messaged him to make sure the dates would work and he agreed to them.

Now, he says "The time we spent this winter was awesome, it meant more to me than you know. i got really sad when you left." (I was last there in Jan/Feb for six weeks....and also told him I was interested in going back in the summer)... "but i never wanted any cross-continental relationship and i should have made that more clear. and you could have spoken your mind about that as well"

NOW he tells me??? AFTER I booked the flight? And after he's started seeing someone else?

He also said he was planning to tell me when he visited me in Toronto, and that he had still wanted to come for a visit despite how he felt (which would have been July/August).

This is all hurtful and confusing.

I agree with him that we should have talked about "the important stuff" much sooner. But I was intending to talk about that with him in person on this upcoming trip.

And I would NOT have booked that flight if I hadn't been getting signals from him that he was interested to see me again. He was still acting very interested up until about two weeks ago when I noticed he started to get quieter than usual.

[differentcountries]

Some people are more spontanious than others. They say or do something which seems fine to them in the moment, but later they may regret it or wonder where it is going to lead them next.

I am not so sure he is actually seeing someone else. If he did, he would probably try to hide it from you, not flaunt it. Anyway, he is obviously using it to scare you off.

He had every uppertunity to talk to you about important stuff, but chose not to, probably because he is not very good at talking about that kind of stuff.

He is of course free to visit your town if he wants to, but as he is seeing someone else (or prenteds to), it is not very appropriate to meet up with him. A wild guess, though, he is just saying this to give you hopes and smooth things over.

International relationships are not easy. I have been in one almost 4 years now. I hope we will be not more than 6, but closing the distance is not always easy. Holding on while you wait is not always easy. If he feels that a long distance international relationship is not for him, then he is free to withdraw from the relationship.

Confused people act confused, and often make other people confused. You did nothing wrong. He is the one acting strange in this scenario, sort of blaming you for loving him and making him sad to care for you when you left. You loved him, told him so and acted on it. I bet he is not proud of himself right now. Take care of yourself and create distance to him.

[AgentB]

Some people are more spontanious than others. They say or do something which seems fine to them in the moment, but later they may regret it or wonder where it is going to lead them next.

I am not so sure he is actually seeing someone else. If he did, he would probably try to hide it from you, not flaunt it. Anyway, he is obviously using it to scare you off.

He had every uppertunity to talk to you about important stuff, but chose not to, probably because he is not very good at talking about that kind of stuff.

He is of course free to visit your town if he wants to, but as he is seeing someone else (or prenteds to), it is not very appropriate to meet up with him. A wild guess, though, he is just saying this to give you hopes and smooth things over.

International relationships are not easy. I have been in one almost 4 years now. I hope we will be not more than 6, but closing the distance is not always easy. Holding on while you wait is not always easy. If he feels that a long distance international relationship is not for him, then he is free to withdraw from the relationship.

Confused people act confused, and often make other people confused. You did nothing wrong. He is the one acting strange in this scenario, sort of blaming you for loving him and making him sad to care for you when you left. You loved him, told him so and acted on it. I bet he is not proud of himself right now. Take care of yourself and create distance to him.

Hi again @differentcountries :-) - I don't know. I think he IS seeing someone else. It was actually my first suspicion a few weeks ago when he started getting quieter than usual. I noticed he "liked" a photo of a single girl on Facebook that he was newly friends with. He pretty much NEVER likes photos of girls and is very inactive.

I wanted to ask him if everything was okay at the time, and that I noticed he was being quiet. BUT I also didn't want to let my anxiety get the better of me and "assume" the worst of him. I didn't think of him as the type of person to just go and sleep with another girl.

Yes, I agree he had many opportunities to talk about important stuff. I mean, he knew all along I wanted to come in the summer. And even when I made it explicit, he had a few days to maybe say "Hmm, I'm feeling a bit unsure about us, maybe we should talk before you book the flight." I would have appreciated that.

I feel like it's my fault for not talking about the "big stuff" sooner as well. I should have brought it up in February. But that visit was really just to see if there was anything there between us. And since things went well and my big fear to get over was inviting him for a visit to Toronto sometime.... and things continued to go well once I got home, that it was just a matter of time until we had "the talk" about exclusivity and whether we were on the same page and going to continue.

Talking about all of that stuff was actually a BIG reason for me booking this trip in the first place - so we could talk in person about it.
Maybe I should have been more up front about all that. But it seemed like a conversation better done in person.

I'm just really hurt that he couldn't wait, that he couldn't at least give us that opportunity to talk, or bring it up himself sooner. I'm hurt that he's clearly choosing this other girl over me. He could just as well tell her that he's been seeing someone who is coming for a visit and that he can't be with her for a few weeks while he figures things out. But his actions show that he's clearly not interested.

There is so much he doesn't know on my end. That I felt in love with him, that I've been thinking about whether I could move there or not, that I've applied for a British passport (which I qualify for) so I could work there. That I've been interested to go there this fall/winter for a longer stay of 2-4 months and try it out.

The truth is I have a hard time bringing up those things, and the "exclusivity" talk. But I knew it was time to have that talk soon and it was my intention to do it on this trip. Also, I didn't expect to spend every day with him when I was there in Jan/Feb. It was very much a "let's see if there's anything there" trip. HE was the one reaching out and wanting to spend time almost every day. He also was much more talkative after the trip, and it all felt like we were getting closer. So even though we never had the talk of "are we girlfriend/boyfriend/exclusive" it was very much implied by his actions (and mine, in return). He treated me like a girlfriend.

I know he is free to withdraw if he wants. I just wish it didn't come out in this way.

And thank you for saying this, "You did nothing wrong. He is the one acting strange in this scenario, sort of blaming you for loving him and making him sad to care for you when you left. You loved him, told him so and acted on it. I bet he is not proud of himself right now."

By the way - I recognize your username, I think you gave me advice on this (Scandinavian) guy a few months ago :-) Just about the fact that they tend to be more reserved. Your comments are thoughtful and helpful.

[rache82]

So he cheated on you; He got with someone else without leaving you first? Wow, not good at all. So sorry to hear this.

[AgentB]

So he cheated on you; He got with someone else without leaving you first? Wow, not good at all. So sorry to hear this.

@rache82

Technically he didn't cheat on me, because we had never gotten to the point of saying we were exclusive / "official" boyfriend/girlfriend

But he had certainly treated me like a girlfriend
Especially in Jan/Feb when I was there in person
And right after when I got home and we talked a lot more

He wanted to spend almost every day together, I met his parents, I met his brother and his friends (again).

So yeah, it feels like cheating

I feel really betrayed. That he could just go and start sleeping with someone who he's only known for 2-3 weeks
And that that mattered more to him than this friendship / relationship we've been developing since Oct

Maybe it wasn't "official" yet but he's been getting to know me for seven months now. 7 months. And we've been like best friends in that time.
Yet he's choosing this new girl he barely knows.

It hurts a lot.

[khayds]

People tend to feel more when they are filled with emotions. Try to clear your mind first. Don't get trap inside your emotion filled bubble, you'll suffocate. Breathe and go out of your room.

It's hard to gather your thoughts and not feel this overwhelming feelings of betrayal,loneliness,anger,confusion ,when they come at you all at the same time. One moment you know exactly what to do and how to do it,you have all these plans.then you are lost all of a sudden.
it's unnerving and scary,yes, but when things turn for the worse, you adapt. You cry, cry some more but you get up and do your thing for the day.
Cry as much as you want,you are at liberty. But after you have done crying, you get up and start your day. And do your thing.
The point that you have love him and don't want to rush him into a conversation reserved in person means you value intimacy and relationship. Don't be too harsh on yourself on not talking about "the important stuff" much sooner. If a person values you and his feelings are deeply rooted and willing to take a chance at your love, he will, no questions ask.no matter your circumstances, no matter your distance,no matter the time, he will...you both will find a way.

Relationships are two way, both have to take and give something for it to survive. There is no other way.
Remember not evrything and everyone in your life now is meant to stick around. Others will just be passing by, others will say hello and move on, others will be there till your last and others will just teach you a lesson or two.
Human life will never be complete without a heart break or two, but that will make you strong and resilient. That will teach you to value the feelings of other people,because at one point in your life you were there at the exact same position.
We all fear rejections and failed relationships but we do what we do best and that is move on and survive.
Be happy. (Even if you can't seem to find the reason to now)
You deserve it.

Hope this helps

[kannagibhooshan]

hi agentB
The situation you are facing is quite acquainted to me .An year ago I had been messed up with such emotions as well, but what I found out was my ex had moved on the moment he dumped me. I was the one carrying the residues of a "never seriously taken by him relationship".

It might not be the same situation ,but seems similar .
I gathered up myself by surrounding myself with people whose happiness mattered to me ,It brought a smile on my face, no matter how broken I was on the inside. True emotions hurt too much , because I feel before we officially give them a tag of bf/ gf we already accept them as our SO in our hearts .
A failed relationship doesn't mean you punish your mind with such feelings of regret , betrayal, and confusion .There must be things you luv to do on your own , keep urself busy in them . Surround urself with your friends.Friends are always a support system in every situation of life. Move ahead ,keep him in your mind but erase him from your heart.
god bless you
take care

[kannagibhooshan]

so true !!!!
u r absolutely right


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People tend to feel more when they are filled with emotions. Try to clear your mind first. Don't get trap inside your emotion filled bubble, you'll suffocate. Breathe and go out of your room.

It's hard to gather your thoughts and not feel this overwhelming feelings of betrayal,loneliness,anger,confusion ,when they come at you all at the same time. One moment you know exactly what to do and how to do it,you have all these plans.then you are lost all of a sudden.
it's unnerving and scary,yes, but when things turn for the worse, you adapt. You cry, cry some more but you get up and do your thing for the day.
Cry as much as you want,you are at liberty. But after you have done crying, you get up and start your day. And do your thing.
The point that you have love him and don't want to rush him into a conversation reserved in person means you value intimacy and relationship. Don't be too harsh on yourself on not talking about "the important stuff" much sooner. If a person values you and his feelings are deeply rooted and willing to take a chance at your love, he will, no questions ask.no matter your circumstances, no matter your distance,no matter the time, he will...you both will find a way.

Relationships are two way, both have to take and give something for it to survive. There is no other way.
Remember not evrything and everyone in your life now is meant to stick around. Others will just be passing by, others will say hello and move on, others will be there till your last and others will just teach you a lesson or two.
Human life will never be complete without a heart break or two, but that will make you strong and resilient. That will teach you to value the feelings of other people,because at one point in your life you were there at the exact same position.
We all fear rejections and failed relationships but we do what we do best and that is move on and survive.
Be happy. (Even if you can't seem to find the reason to now)
You deserve it.

Hope this helps

[khayds]

welcome, happy to inspire

[AgentB]

Hi everyone,

Well, mystery solved. Sort of.

I talked to him last night and he told me that he had been on speed four weeks ago, when we had the phone convo and I asked him about coming to visit him in June.

He was the one who had called me that night. He only sort of remembered that conversation tho. I asked him if he remembered telling me then that he wanted to come visit me in Toronto in July/August. That he was looking into getting a passport.

He said "no." Flat out.

I knew he was drunk but I had no idea it was a combo of speed + alcohol. I was in shock and I told him I had no idea, I had thought he was just a bit drunk, coming home from the bar.

He said "effects of amphetamines " I looked it up and found out that combo makes people seem more "normal" when they might be completely wasted out of their minds. So it makes sense why I had no idea.

He told me he used to do speed every weekend. But "not any more, done with that shit." I don't think I believe him.

It all makes sense now why he promised me that night I could come stay with him in June, and told me he wanted to come visit me in July/August. Both those things made me so hopeful and happy but he barely remembers talking about them.

But I'm not stupid. I didn't book the flight or concert ticket til the following Monday afternoon/evening. I messaged him with the flight dates and times and checked in again if they were okay with him before I booked it. He said yes, no problem. He must have been sober then. (But how can I know now?)

He told me a few days ago that he has a drug and alcohol problem. But I had no idea it was this bad.

It makes sense, but at the same time I'm in shock. I'm betrayed. I'm upset. He said a lot of other things too like he had never wanted a long distance relationship (news to me since he always made it seem like he was fine with it), he had no idea the extent of my feelings for him, and that if he'd known I was willing to move there, he wouldn't have agreed to it. That it would have been "too big a step" for him. Easier to just hide all this, go sleep with some girl already there (probably while wasted), start seeing her, and tell me all this after the fact. 9 days before my flight. The flight that he had just agreed to so I could visit him and stay with him.

He said he would have liked to have kept seeing me "if we lived in the same city" and wished we had met under different circumstances. Yet he wasn't even willing to wait, make plans to make that happen. He led me to believe he cared about me and then tossed me aside quickly as soon as some new girl showed up. Now he's probably getting his "fix" from her.

I'm so messed up this week. I've been barely sleeping or eating. I've been going to therapy almost every day. I'm constantly on edge. And my flight is still booked a week away and I have to decide if I'm still going or not.

What a mess :-(

And the worst part is that I still care about him. I still feel in love with him. Even though he's hurting me so badly through all this. I want to go there, and win him back.

[erwin1973]

For me, I have had friends - or people who I considered to be - that turned out to be (heavy) addicts on drugs and alcohol. I have a strong dislike for people who drink too much and / or use drugs. If my lady would be doing that, I would face her a choice: drugs or me. Simple. But of course, that is me and not you.

That fact that you doesn't really trust him any more tells me a lot and makes me wonder why you still want to see him, because obviously there are plenty of questionmarks in your head. So, if you go, make sure you have a back up plan, that if you're left alone, you have a bed to sleep in and food to eat. Just some good advice.

[snow]

That just sounds like a load of bullshit. He cheated on you and now he is trying to find excuses to make it seem like it is not his fault you spent money on something he didn't bother thinking about when hooking up with someone else.

Don't try to win him back, you don't want to be with someone who has no regard for you or your feelings at all. If you reconcile now, it only gives him permission to shit all over you the next time he feels like he doesn't want to commit. He broke your trust, don't give it back to him for free.

Try and see if you can change the destination or see if there is an air bnb or whatever they are called where you could stay for cheap for a couple days.

[differentcountries]

Hi everyone,

Well, mystery solved. Sort of.

I talked to him last night and he told me that he had been on speed four weeks ago, when we had the phone convo and I asked him about coming to visit him in June.

He was the one who had called me that night. He only sort of remembered that conversation tho. I asked him if he remembered telling me then that he wanted to come visit me in Toronto in July/August. That he was looking into getting a passport.

He said "no." Flat out.

I knew he was drunk but I had no idea it was a combo of speed + alcohol. I was in shock and I told him I had no idea, I had thought he was just a bit drunk, coming home from the bar.

He said "effects of amphetamines " I looked it up and found out that combo makes people seem more "normal" when they might be completely wasted out of their minds. So it makes sense why I had no idea.

He told me he used to do speed every weekend. But "not any more, done with that shit." I don't think I believe him.

It all makes sense now why he promised me that night I could come stay with him in June, and told me he wanted to come visit me in July/August. Both those things made me so hopeful and happy but he barely remembers talking about them.

But I'm not stupid. I didn't book the flight or concert ticket til the following Monday afternoon/evening. I messaged him with the flight dates and times and checked in again if they were okay with him before I booked it. He said yes, no problem. He must have been sober then. (But how can I know now?)

He told me a few days ago that he has a drug and alcohol problem. But I had no idea it was this bad.

It makes sense, but at the same time I'm in shock. I'm betrayed. I'm upset. He said a lot of other things too like he had never wanted a long distance relationship (news to me since he always made it seem like he was fine with it), he had no idea the extent of my feelings for him, and that if he'd known I was willing to move there, he wouldn't have agreed to it. That it would have been "too big a step" for him. Easier to just hide all this, go sleep with some girl already there (probably while wasted), start seeing her, and tell me all this after the fact. 9 days before my flight. The flight that he had just agreed to so I could visit him and stay with him.

He said he would have liked to have kept seeing me "if we lived in the same city" and wished we had met under different circumstances. Yet he wasn't even willing to wait, make plans to make that happen. He led me to believe he cared about me and then tossed me aside quickly as soon as some new girl showed up. Now he's probably getting his "fix" from her.

I'm so messed up this week. I've been barely sleeping or eating. I've been going to therapy almost every day. I'm constantly on edge. And my flight is still booked a week away and I have to decide if I'm still going or not.

What a mess :-(

And the worst part is that I still care about him. I still feel in love with him. Even though he's hurting me so badly through all this. I want to go there, and win him back.

Actually mystery not solved. This is just him spinning another yarn. Because, as you point out, you made sure to repeat your questions and ask him to check dates, and he was still on board. So unless his excuse is that he is constantly under the influence, I call bull on this whole explanation. Again he is making it sound like everything was your responsability, and he is even extending it to making sure that he is not under the influence at any given time (without the info that he had a drug problem).

I dont buy that he has this casual attitude towards you. Actually casual people dont act like this. They tell what they want and talk the talk and walk the walk. And even if they should fail to do so, they take responsability for their side of it (which he does not do, notice how he is shifting the blame to make everything your fault). He is not casual, he is deeply ambivalent and is trying to solve it by getting angry at you.

Honey, this guy's problem is not that you are not in the same city. Because he tells you he is upset that you consider moving to his city. This guy's problem is that he has not idea what he is doing, and keeps making a bigger mess.

Of course you still love him. The problem is that he is hurting you, and most likely on purpose. And if parts of what he says is true, he has some serious issues that you cant help him with.