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    #1

    Love but feeling like giving up

    Hey guys,

    I am so glad that I've found this forum. I have a boyfriend in Turkey and I live in the Netherlands. We have the same culture since I am Turkish too. We love each other so much, his family loves me and we have big dreams for the future. We are both 18 years old and are together for 5 months now. There is only one problem. In the past month he sometimes felt like giving up but couldn't do it because he really really really loves me. He is afraid that we will never get to see each other. Then he came with a solution. His mother has a debt of 16000 Turkish lira. My boyfriend has to pay 6000 Turkish Lira of this debt and he can earn this money within 5 months. After 5 months he is going to work for 4 months to get some more money and then he will ask for a passport to move to Holland. So it takes 9 mon the in total for us to finally see each other. It's extremely smart and we were really happy with the solution, but he can't find a job. Well, actually he can. There are lots of jobs out there but he doesn't like them. I don't want to tell him to do this and to do that because he is an emotional person I am afraid of hurting his feelings because then he will start again with: you see it doesn't work out with distance. Guys I really really really need your help! Is our situation impossible or is there hope for us? What should I do to keep the relationship interested and make him more motivated to get a job and earn the money?
    Tags: turkey
    #2
    One question: does he have the money to travel here?

    I ask that, because when he has, he can use that to pay (a part of) his mother's debt. If not, who is going to pay that trip to Holland?
    Distance means nothing when someone means everything.

    Comment

      #3
      To be blunt, if he's adult enough to move to another country, he needs to be adult enough to get a job. I hope he doesn't have superiority issues in thinking entry-level jobs are too menial for him...unless he's a child prodigy with a college degree already or has a family business, that's the usual job someone gets at 18. He needs to take responsibility for himself--it's not your job to do it for him.
      I'm not sure what it takes to immigrate from Turkey to the Netherlands, but generally immigration takes a lot of money, and being picky about how you get it isn't a great way to start. Try to have a logical conversation about it. If he gets upset, seriously reconsider his level of maturity/responsibility and assess if that's something you want to commit to for the unknown future. He's 18...he has a lot of growing up to do.
      Also, are neither of you thinking of college?
      sigpic

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        #4
        As far as I know, if you want to work here, you need to learn Dutch... At least if you want to do it legally. And yes, you need visa, a place to stay, health insurance, food, so I don't really see the benefit.

        Mind, I have nothing against nobody, because my plan is to get my lady here too... But it's easier said then done. And yes, it costs a lot of money. And to say there's loads of work here... Not really.
        Distance means nothing when someone means everything.

        Comment

          #5
          I will go to college after the holidays. He doesn't want to go to school because he hates it there. He wants to build his own future and even though I am against quiting school i still support him with his dreams. He is a bit immature actually. He is willing to do a lot and nothing is impossible but he is a but lazy in my opinion.

          Comment

            #6
            Originally posted by erwin1973 View Post
            As far as I know, if you want to work here, you need to learn Dutch... At least if you want to do it legally. And yes, you need visa, a place to stay, health insurance, food, so I don't really see the benefit.

            Mind, I have nothing against nobody, because my plan is to get my lady here too... But it's easier said then done. And yes, it costs a lot of money. And to say there's loads of work here... Not really.
            He is willing to learn Dutch I am even learning him some words and sentences. He is just a bit lazy I guess. If he wants he can get a job out there in Turkey but he doesn't like the jobs he has been offered. Don't know what to do

            Comment

              #7
              So he prefers a whole lot of hassle to spend loads of many on lessons to learn Dutch and visa and what-more-do-I-know, than to stay in his country and do a job? Sounds odd to me. What you should do, in my opinion? Tell him off! If he's lazy there, he's lazy here. What does he expect to do here? He's lucky if he can become a cleaner here, with louzy Dutch and no college. You know that as well.
              Distance means nothing when someone means everything.

              Comment

                #8
                It is sweet that you boyfriend wants to help his mother with the debt.

                It also sounds like a good plan that after that he can save up money to VISIT you. But I think it will greatly help you case if you are able to visit him in Turkey at least once. I mean after 9 months they are going to ask why you did not have a visit sooner. And he probably can visit you for up to 3 months, without working. To work you need a work visa.

                I am not sure on the details of the Dutch visa laws, but I am pretty sure that a young Turkish boy will have to get an education if he wants to move to the Netherlands to work there. Or anywhere in the EU/EØS for that matter.

                Another option could be if he could come to the Netherlands to study - but if he thinks having an education in his own country is boring, and he does not speak Dutch, this will prove very difficult.

                Tell you bf to take a job - any job. Be sure to hear around to be sure they pay health insurance as well. Some jobs have food and lodge included, making the pay in reality higher.

                Did he finish compulsory school? Is he skilled in something that can give him a job? Are there some relatives he can work for? Any way it goes, him finding a job to support himself and possibly save up money is not your problem. That is something he needs to find out for himself.

                As I understand it, carrying a passport at all times is compulsory for Turks in Turkey. My Turkish boyfriend always has his passport on him, or at the very least somewhere close to him. Even I often carry my passport when I am in Turkey because Turks are obsessed with passports. I would suggest he gets a passport as soon as possible if he does not already have one...

                To travel to the Netherlands, he will need to save up not just for the tickets and visa fees, but also for food and possibly hotel when he comes to visit you. Or you can offer to split the costs. Maybe if you can get at least a part time job in the Netherlands yourself, you can save up as well, and you can see each other sooner. Or you can pay for your own ticket and he can chip in on expenses when you go for a visit.

                I suggest you forget about any plans of moving for now, and concentrate on the both of you finding jobs so that you have the means to visit each other.
                I made love to him only twice, she thought and looked at the man laying asleep beside her. And yet still it is as if we have been together forever, as if he has always known my life, my soul, my body, my light, my pain
                - Paulo Coelho, "Eleven minutes"



                "Bız yüzyılın aşkı vardır" - We have dated since Sept. 2013. To see our full story, click here https://members.lovingfromadistance....and-our-visits

                Comment

                  #9
                  As I know Turks, they are dramatic dreamers but on the other side hardworking and realistic. You have no idea how many yarns my SO has spun about the businisses he was going to start up and what they would all be like and bla bla. The reality is that some buinisses are fairly byrocratic. There is also very little unemployment benefits. If you want to eat, you have to work. If you want to good job, and also dont have much money to begin with, you go to school. By the sounds of it, his parents are poor and he also want to help with the debt - then he has to work. Like starting tomorrow.

                  Also, when is he going to the military? If he is not in school, or having done higher education, the military can deploy him at any time... I would actually suggest doing part time studies just for this reason. Turkish military is 9 months full time - my SO is currently paying his way out of military. Does your SO want to come to you to run away from the military service? He can go to jail for that...
                  I made love to him only twice, she thought and looked at the man laying asleep beside her. And yet still it is as if we have been together forever, as if he has always known my life, my soul, my body, my light, my pain
                  - Paulo Coelho, "Eleven minutes"



                  "Bız yüzyılın aşkı vardır" - We have dated since Sept. 2013. To see our full story, click here https://members.lovingfromadistance....and-our-visits

                  Comment

                    #10
                    Originally posted by differentcountries View Post
                    As I know Turks, they are dramatic dreamers but on the other side hardworking and realistic. You have no idea how many yarns my SO has spun about the businisses he was going to start up and what they would all be like and bla bla. The reality is that some buinisses are fairly byrocratic. There is also very little unemployment benefits. If you want to eat, you have to work. If you want to good job, and also dont have much money to begin with, you go to school. By the sounds of it, his parents are poor and he also want to help with the debt - then he has to work. Like starting tomorrow.

                    Also, when is he going to the military? If he is not in school, or having done higher education, the military can deploy him at any time... I would actually suggest doing part time studies just for this reason. Turkish military is 9 months full time - my SO is currently paying his way out of military. Does your SO want to come to you to run away from the military service? He can go to jail for that...
                    No he is not running away for military service he will go later. He hates school. He will never go to school believe me haha. He has finished high school i guess and that's it. His father is rich, he owns a company but since his parents divorced he doesn't want to see his son anymore. And my boyfriend couldn't care less, he hates his father for leaving him alone in hard times. There is one problem with my family: i can't have a boyfriend. Not before finishing school. My parents are extremely overprotective so I can't go on vacation. That's why I can't visit him. I really want to and I will try to visit him in December but I can't promise that I am really going.

                    I will help my boyfriend by sending him money. He doesn't want it because he can't accept money from the one he loves but I am stubborn and will send it. The debt is paid within 5 months and within 4 months and with some money from his friends he will come to the Netherlands. That's the plan. But like I said he is being extremely immature by not accepting a job. There are a lots of jobs out there in Turkey where he lives (He lives in Kayseri) and I even looked for him but everytime it is too boring or too useless or too less paid. He is making excuses which annoys me. I don't say anything because then he will continue with ''babe, why don't you just give up school and come over here and marry with me'' Then I get angry because I don't want to quit school. The only thing he needs to do is just accept one of the job offers.

                    Comment

                      #11
                      I've known people who couldn't (read: wouldn't) take this job because of this or that job because of that. Guess what? They don't change. You're setting yourself up for shouldering all the responsibility if you stay together. By sending him money, you are enabling his lazy and childish behavior.

                      You are young but old enough to know this isn't good or healthy. It's time to think about yourself and your future as your own person. Don't knowingly stay with someone who you know will end up resenting and leaving anyway. And don't say you won't - trust me, you will.
                      Last edited by R&R; July 1, 2017, 03:27 PM.
                      To those who dream, nothing is ever far away.

                      ​Distance is to love as wind is to fire. It blows out the little ones and fans the big ones.

                      Comment

                        #12
                        I see a lot of red flags, here....

                        Distance means nothing when someone means everything.

                        Comment

                          #13
                          Originally posted by GirlWithABigHeart View Post
                          No he is not running away for military service he will go later. He hates school. He will never go to school believe me haha. He has finished high school i guess and that's it. His father is rich, he owns a company but since his parents divorced he doesn't want to see his son anymore. And my boyfriend couldn't care less, he hates his father for leaving him alone in hard times. There is one problem with my family: i can't have a boyfriend. Not before finishing school. My parents are extremely overprotective so I can't go on vacation. That's why I can't visit him. I really want to and I will try to visit him in December but I can't promise that I am really going.

                          I will help my boyfriend by sending him money. He doesn't want it because he can't accept money from the one he loves but I am stubborn and will send it. The debt is paid within 5 months and within 4 months and with some money from his friends he will come to the Netherlands. That's the plan. But like I said he is being extremely immature by not accepting a job. There are a lots of jobs out there in Turkey where he lives (He lives in Kayseri) and I even looked for him but everytime it is too boring or too useless or too less paid. He is making excuses which annoys me. I don't say anything because then he will continue with ''babe, why don't you just give up school and come over here and marry with me'' Then I get angry because I don't want to quit school. The only thing he needs to do is just accept one of the job offers.
                          How does he expect to support you should you foolishly move countries and drop school for him, when he doesn't even have a job? He wants his cake without baking it...
                          What does he do all day?
                          sigpic

                          Comment

                            #14
                            If I were you, I would dig my heels into patience and wait. You have been together a very short time and you still have many phases of a true relationship to process through. Keep your love and most of all, your patience, strong during this time. Everything will work out if meant to be.

                            Hugs,
                            peaches

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