He doesnt put that much effort in seeing me.

[Kat0623]

I'm talking to my bf for 6 months now and so far everything is going well. He lives in Los Angeles and I in Germany, so we're 6000 Miles apart.
He really puts a lot of energy and time in calling me, texting me or Facetiming me. His family and friends all know about me and I already facetimed with them too.
So I don't have any doubts that he isn't serious about this relationship, we are seriously really in love and he is amazing.
BUT when it comes to visiting each other, he doesnt put any effort to meet me. As if it is self-evident that I come visit him.
I started working at a second job so I can save money to visit him, but he doesn't even talk about coming to Germany.
It's super expensive to fly to LA, be there and everything, I need like 4000-5000€. He would only need like 1500€ to visit me. I told him this already but he didn't react at all. My family is telling me "If he really loves you, he would've already booked a flight". They're kinda right. He just talks about that he wants to see me so bad but he has to do something for it. I don't know how to tell him this. So what y'all think about this? I need some advice..

[Rezie]

Talk to him. Make him react. The "if he loves you" argument is not valid in my opinion without discussion since he might have a reason. Is he scared of flying? Has he ever been abroad? Is he offering anything in return for you coming over? Like accommodation? Making plans where he will take you?

[Kat0623]

I don't know how to start a conversation about it. Everytime I talk about visiting him, he never comes up with visiting me.
No he didn't offered me anything cause I told him in the beginning that I'm gonna book a Hotel (I want to have some time with him, I mean his parents ain't there they have a second property, but his sister and brother are there and I think it's strange to meet them the first time ever in real life and already staying at their home).
But I thought he will offer me some help so I can get to LA, like that we split the costs, but NOTHING.
I mean he talks about having kids with me and where he is gonna take me when I come to LA, how his family and friends are excited to meet me and all that stuff. So I really don't understand whats going on.
A week ago he talked with his friend about me and she told him that she thinks this ain't gonna work out because:
1. I'm young (he's 30, I'm 20)
2. I'm far away
3. I live another lifestyle
And he told me that he doesn't agree with her opinion and he believes that it's gonna work out but she's right with the "lifestyle thing". I think he meant that he lives in a old small home, drives a old car and he doesn't live a luxury life. And I'm living in a really big house, driving a brand new car, having designer handbags and everything.
All this stuff is soooo irrelevant but maybe he thinks that its better if I come to LA because "I have more money than him" (it's my parents money and they don't wanna help me out cause they don't believe in this relationship) but he doesn't wanna tell me this cause he's maybe ashamed. I don't know. It's so complicated.

[R&R]

It's actually not that complicated. You are in an adult relationship. This means, you communicate with the other party and don't expect them to read your mind or automatically know how you feel. It means you have conversations that are difficult and you should be able to be completely honest with your partner, even when it is tough.

Tell him what you've told us. Throughout our relationship, I have told my SO things and had discussions about things that I believed were completely obvious and he had no clue. Why? Because he's not me and he has his own way of looking at things and thinking about them. So have a conversation and see where it goes.

[Rezie]

R is right as usual. It doesnt sound complicated. You are assuming he thinks that you have more money from your parents. You think that he should have offered to pay for part of your trip. He may disagree but we don't know.

Talk to him. Start with words "I went to talk about me visiting. I'm struggling to come up with the money with the flights and hotels. I checked online and it looks like your ticket here would be around 3000 dollars cheaper. Is there any chance we could make arrangements for you to visit first while I save enough money to visit you?"

[MushuChicken]

So, this is unrelated to the communication topic at hand.

But, on the flight...I don't know where exactly you are flying out of or the dates or anything like that. But, if I were you, I would look at flying into NY, Chicago, Washington DC, or really any city on the East coast, and then transfer flights to a budget domestic carrier, like Southwest or JetBlue. I think you could probably save a bundle that way.

It is slightly more of a hassle, but it might help? Good luck!

[snow]

There are so many question marks.

If I was with someone who has a brand new car, who wears designer clothes and has the newest gadgets, you bet I would think it'd be easier for that person to come up with the money rather than for a person who lives in an old house they share with their brother and sister and who drives an old car. You usually don't live with your siblings unless you can't afford it (or you really prefer living with them) It would be obvious to me that a person who has that much disposable income would be more likely to be able to afford a trip than me. I wouldn't assume they'd do it, it'd be a conversation, but just from looking in from the outside, that's how it looks.

Now, how is it double the money for you than for him? The flight should be the same price. Would you really need $1,500 spending money? That's a whole lot for a trip. How long are you planning on staying? I stayed for 3 months with my now-husband and I spent a total of about $1000 for THREE MONTHS.

If your SO has offered for you to stay with him, do you need to stay at a hotel and pay more money? You are not thinking logically, especially if your parents are not paying for this trip and you should be thinking about saving as much money as possible.
When I visited my now-husband for the very first time, I flew to him and I stayed with him in an apartment he shares with his sister and brother-in-law. Was it ideal? No, but it sure saved me lots of money and I got to meet the important people in his life. So really, I can understand the privacy part of this, but the logical side of me still thinks it makes absolutely no sense to rent a space if you have a space.

So I think this is less an issue of him not putting effort into seeing you, but more an issue of you guys not talking about money and what is the best solution for this problem.
I don't know what he makes, I don't know what he can offer or how long your stay could be, that's something you guys need to figure out.

[erwin1973]

There are so many question marks.

If I was with someone who has a brand new car, who wears designer clothes and has the newest gadgets, you bet I would think it'd be easier for that person to come up with the money rather than for a person who lives in an old house they share with their brother and sister and who drives an old car. You usually don't live with your siblings unless you can't afford it (or you really prefer living with them) It would be obvious to me that a person who has that much disposable income would be more likely to be able to afford a trip than me. I wouldn't assume they'd do it, it'd be a conversation, but just from looking in from the outside, that's how it looks.

Now, how is it double the money for you than for him? The flight should be the same price. Would you really need $1,500 spending money? That's a whole lot for a trip. How long are you planning on staying? I stayed for 3 months with my now-husband and I spent a total of about $1000 for THREE MONTHS.

If your SO has offered for you to stay with him, do you need to stay at a hotel and pay more money? You are not thinking logically, especially if your parents are not paying for this trip and you should be thinking about saving as much money as possible.
When I visited my now-husband for the very first time, I flew to him and I stayed with him in an apartment he shares with his sister and brother-in-law. Was it ideal? No, but it sure saved me lots of money and I got to meet the important people in his life. So really, I can understand the privacy part of this, but the logical side of me still thinks it makes absolutely no sense to rent a space if you have a space.

So I think this is less an issue of him not putting effort into seeing you, but more an issue of you guys not talking about money and what is the best solution for this problem.
I don't know what he makes, I don't know what he can offer or how long your stay could be, that's something you guys need to figure out.

About staying in a hotel, I will be facing the same as what Snow says. I know already that when I go visit my lady, I will be staying with her, our daughter, my lady's parents and two sisters and niece... Privacy? Nope. Cheap? Yes. And we'll make our privacy.

I'm not rich either, and in fact we bot are not. I have to save my *ss off for a ticket at the moment, and I am doing so quite willingly.

I fully agree with snow that you should best be reconsidering some things.

[Rezie]

If I was with someone who has a brand new car, who wears designer clothes and has the newest gadgets, you bet I would think it'd be easier for that person to come up with the money

Not related to this topic but there was a funny incident once. Me and my boyfriend were having a lot of issues last year due to our plans of closing the distance not happening. I saw (By accident) a message his best friend had sent to my boyfriend that said "why doesn't she just move. I'm sure her rich parents will help her out and cover her costs". We have never talked about this with my boyfriend, mainly because I shouldn't have read the message. I refuse to believe my boyfriend has said that my parents are rich, cause they are not. I think that he has explaned stuff we have done with my family and the friend has assumed that my family has a lot of money. My parents own a villa By the lake. Every family in this country has a second home By sea or lake. It usually is passed from one generation to another, doens't have running water or electricity. But if he has told that "we are visiting Rezies familys second home and it has a beautiful Private beach in front". Sounds a lot fancier than it is. And then there is another one from the other side of the family. Sometimes we stay at my parents house and I know at least his family in interested how locals here live. The house is quite big and close to the city center here it's worth around $250 000 and there a similar house would be well over $1 million. So to them we might seem very wealthy eventough we are very average in here.

[snow]

Not related to this topic but there was a funny incident once. Me and my boyfriend were having a lot of issues last year due to our plans of closing the distance not happening. I saw (By accident) a message his best friend had sent to my boyfriend that said "why doesn't she just move. I'm sure her rich parents will help her out and cover her costs". We have never talked about this with my boyfriend, mainly because I shouldn't have read the message. I refuse to believe my boyfriend has said that my parents are rich, cause they are not. I think that he has explaned stuff we have done with my family and the friend has assumed that my family has a lot of money. My parents own a villa By the lake. Every family in this country has a second home By sea or lake. It usually is passed from one generation to another, doens't have running water or electricity. But if he has told that "we are visiting Rezies familys second home and it has a beautiful Private beach in front". Sounds a lot fancier than it is. And then there is another one from the other side of the family. Sometimes we stay at my parents house and I know at least his family in interested how locals here live. The house is quite big and close to the city center here it's worth around $250 000 and there a similar house would be well over $1 million. So to them we might seem very wealthy eventough we are very average in here.

That's exactly why I said this is what it looks like from the outside! If I heard about that lifestyle from my husband, it'd definitely be a conversation about where all this disposable income is coming from and if we can use it to our advantage lol

[Kat0623]

Thank you for your replies!
I talked with him about it and it turned out that he planned on surprising me for my birthday!!! He just never said something because it was supposed to be a surprise. My cousin knew it all the time but she didn't want to destroy it.
So here's the plan: he is going to visit me in January and then I am gonna fly to Los Angeles in April. I'm so excited and I can't wait to meet him.

[MushuChicken]

Wow! Congrats.

What a surprise! (almost) Was your cousin one of the ones saying, "If he really loves you, he'll fly to you."? If so, it makes it sound like maybe she was trying to create some false doubt in you so that when he surprised you, you'd realize how much he does care.