I think I gave him PTSD/ trigger it?

[JethroBombs]

I know I've posted here before about breaking up with my SO, but we decided to try and fix it and it has been working extremely well so far! However, we've had a little bit of a spat tonight that has been troubling me for some time.

As a before note, he had an abusive alcoholic father, a depression/anxiety younger brother he'd die for, and his current mom, while not as bad, does to some extent verbally abuse him.

Okay, so when we first met, I had been having tons of trouble with anxiety and depression. For a while we had thought I had undiagnosed schizophrenia, that's how bad it was. One night he stayed on skype with me while I had a psychotic episode and I ended up in Emergency. He told me that it kills him to see me be put through so much pain while he remains helpless 2000 miles away. To add some more background, once in December he "broke up" with me because he said I was too attached and that he couldnt be with someone who was suicidal. (long story- all good now); and again in Feb. That caused another suicidal episode in me except this one lasted a little over two weeks.

The problem now, is that every time I cry, whether it be from sadness, parental anxiety, or just needing to let emotions out, he gets triggered. Like ready to call an ambulance, get parents to watch me in case of psychosis ready. Which is hard because I literally cannot have any anxiety or depression symptoms around him without him freaking out. I have been on medication for over a year now, I am feeling pretty good and most of my mental illness symptoms are under control, so the probability of me breaking down and losing control is rather slim.

I'm afraid to talk to him about this because he'll just say he's totally justified in his actions by being worried for me like that. And then my opinion/ request will be worthless. The spat we had tonight was me crying for feeling left out on something, and the fact that my emotions have been troubling for a couple days and I just needed an outlet for them, which happened to send me into a little crying. (I wasn't ugly crying, it was more of a small cry with minimal out loud sounds, more of a tearing up cry)

To paraphrase what he wrote(in all caps):

Do you have any idea how it makes me feel whe you pull shit like that!!?? Do you fucking know what it's like to think the person you love is having a psychotic break??!! I don't care if you're in (mode) or not! You do not do that! When you suddenly drop everything and start crying, that looks like you're having an attack! I'm sitting here ready to call an ambulance!!! You don't know what it's like watching that and not being able to do anything to stop it and thinking you're the cause of it! You're an adult Jethro! You need to start thinking of other peoples emotions!

[C.C.]

So you don't care about others' emotions when he's the one basically telling you that you shouldn't feel sad/anxious and that you shouldn't cry at all? That's ironic.

Seriously, though, I had an ex with psychotic episodes, I don't think they were as bad as yours and I haven't experienced it with him irl since they'd mostly happen at night. But I can tell you for sure, dealing with someone's mental health problems is tough as hell and he seems to be at his breaking point. I am not sure if he really means what he says or just wants to protect himself from the overwhelming effects of your mental health (or of memories of it at least).

Whether you are afraid of his reaction or not doesn't change the fact that this is something that needs to be talked about if you two want to make this work ever. You need a lengthy discussion about your own mental health (I mean both of yours, since he's not all free from problems either), what it is, how you are treating it, and mainly, how it does and should affect the other. You chose to make this work so you chose the hard road to travel. Since you have been on meds for a year, it means that you are seeing a therapist, right? Is he seeing one as well? I think the best way to act after being honest about the problems and the impacts they have and all that, is to go to professional and talk to them about it all as well. And for you two to define what responsibility the other has and on what the therapist should be relied upon, like he needs to be assured that he's not the one dealing with your psychosis, because meds do help you and if they don't, your doctor will find some other way to work around it. He needs to understand that he doesn't have to solve or cure anything, he just needs to support you on your road towards it (and you shouldn't rely on him solving stuff either obviously). On the other hand, if he can't because it triggers childhood traumas and hardships in him and he can't absolutely solve it on his own, he needs therapy for it as well, because it's not something he should pour onto you this carelessly when you are having your own problems.

TL;DR: you are both in a bad place and need lots of honesty/hard work and, imo, involving a professional in it. I think that's the safest road to take! Wish you all the luck.

[Honour]

I have to say, I think he's right with what he says, and that he has justified reasons for what he said. Depression, and other conditions like it of all forms, are extremely selfish conditions, and it can be nigh on impossible for some sufferers to see the bigger picture. I'm not saying that to have a go, I just know from personal experience that living with depression isn't easy, because my dad has PTSD from years of mental abuse and familial issues, and I have depression coupled with anxiety issues, though it's nowhere near as severe as with my dad. Are you seeking active psychological, professional help? If not, then you really really need to go and see a therapist or someone else who's likely to help you through all this. It isn't healthy the way in which your relationship is working right now, he's living at his wit's end in fear of what might happen to you. I had to go on anti-depressants for my last year of university because I couldn't cope without it, and I'm glad it's helped you. But it hasn't helped you completely, and I would suggest you seek professional help if you don't already go and see someone to supplement your medication. As for being afraid of talking about it, be tactful, communicate with him, talk to him, you don't know for sure what he'll say until you tell him. Just keep in mind he's had/having his own problems, and likely has his own worries besides your own to consider. Also, you might want to just take a step back and evaluate where you think you both stand, consider your actions and see if there's a way you can better control your emotions without the fear of breaking down: maybe write out your thoughts in a journal, it can be an extremely therapeutic and calming motion. Because if you don't find some emotional control, you will likely lose your SO for good, because it's not fair on him what you're doing. Try and think in the bigger picture, about him, about others who might be affected.

It's difficult, but not impossible.

[JethroBombs]

Yes I am seeing two therapists right now, along with regular doctor appointments for medication updates as needed. As for emotional control, I use crying as an outlet for stuff I dont know how to get rid of. A good cry works wonders!

[hmrambling]

Experiencing an event (or recurring events) perhaps could cause PTSD, but you alone do not have the power to cause a person to have a mental health condition. You simply don't have that much power over another human being to give them PTSD or any other mental health condition.

Perhaps your SO is simply prepared in case you do have another episode. In which case, I'm not sure why you're trying to diagnose his preparedness as PTSD. Nor am I sure why you're taking responsibility for whether he does or does not have a mental health condition. Perhaps his diagnosis (or lack thereof) should be left to a mental health professional. Preparedness ≠ PTSD.

If crying is your outlet, you need to talk to your SO about that and explain that to him. I could see where he would be concerned if you were crying regularly or pretty frequently when you talk to him. I agree that there should definitely be some mental health care professionals involved in sorting all of this out.

[erwin1973]

PTSD is a pretty strong diagnose and not something I would recommend to get. It's terrible to have and asks for a lot of work to get rid off. I have had a pretty rough life myself and at age 20 had already lived through more than most at 60. I have been diagnosed with PTSD and after years and years and years of seeing therapists I finally managed to conquer the problem.
Of course I have no idea about his mental health, but as @HMRambling suggests, you need to talk to him. May be find a codeword that you give when you do need real help, just in case.
It looks to me he just hates to see you cry and gets really anxious when you do, and wants to make sure you're okay. May be he's overreacting, may be he has his reasons to react the way he does.
As all above suggest: communicate. And if you think that's difficult, loosing him because you don't communicate is more difficult. Just write some reminders for yourself what you really want to talk about, want to say, and take your time for it. Be sure to give him time to respond, too.
I wish you good luck, lots of strengh, and a good realtionship.