Can I ask your advice on something?

[appleman]

Can I ask your advice on something? I'm about to put together a new ldr course for my subscribers on youtube. I've been in a long distance relationship for over a year now and I was wondering, When it comes to being in a long distance relationship, what’s the single biggest challenge that you’ve been struggling with?” (please be as detailed and specific as possible).

[Redheart14]

Closing the distance. One person has to sacrifice their job, being close to their family and friends and relocate. If finding work isn't easy, this adds to the stress of it.

[Rezie]

Deciding on the specific plan in closing the distance. Who moves where and when. I feel like people tend to think that the one that has better chance to get a job would move. I personally think that social aspects are important too. It's all fun to talk "once we live together" but actually coming up with a plan on how and when to do it and making it real.

[erwin1973]

Since I am not yet working on closing the distance - we are nevermets - I think that I find the most difficult at the moment is the lack of physical attention, not being together, and ... raising the money to fund my ticket to fly across half the world. What is difficult too, is the lack of emotional support from my parents.

[hmrambling]

I've closed the distance. My partner moved from her city to mine to be with me. She is now pursuing her PhD. Her stress level has increased due to her unfamiliarity of the area, her dependence on me to be knowledgeable about the area, and she struggles to find her own independence in a place that she is not familiar with. She no longer has the status that she had when she was a teacher vested, tenured in a school system, has lost all seniority that she has, and is now a newbie in the graduate school that she is in.

In short, her life has been turned on its head in comparison to all that she knew before the move. She is essentially starting over. And for those reasons I am sad for her because I see her struggles. On the other hand, I have my own adjustment because I am unaccustomed to sharing space (I've chosen to live by myself for 5 years). There is a financial impact to having 2 people under the same roof, as well as an emotional impact.

Sure, the same can be said for any couple who move in together, that there will be adjustments and changes. Certainly the same can be said of any couple, and not only LDRs. However in LDRs, because the couples have more communication than time together while there is distance between them, the relationship is built around communication... clear communication. And a little bit of faith and hope that it will work out once the couple closes the distance. Just the other night we sat down and had a long heart to heart about the woes of moving together and closing the distance, and my partner said this, "I miss the communication. We used to talk every night and have real heart to heart conversations. Now that we're together, we are so busy living day to day life, working, taking care of the house, taking care of chores, that we don't sit and talk and have heart to heart conversations."

She has also said that she misses me sometimes even though we're in the same house together. We have both got very busy with our own daily lives that it seems that we forgot how we used to make time to talk to each other when we had all those miles between us.

When a couple is LDR, communication is so very essential. When an LDR closes the distance, communication remains essential even though daily life can sometimes get in the way.

I'm fortunate to have supportive friends and family. And working to close the distance was a real struggle. The realization sets in that even after the distance is closed that the work isn't done. When the distance is closed, the work has just begun.... because it can be difficult to maintain that communication level that was once established in LDR. As I type this, I kind of sigh because I had good boundaries around texting, messaging, phone calls, etc before we closed the distance. We pretty much talked on the phone in the evenings and we texted good morning in the mornings. We weren't one of those couples that texted non-stop or stayed on a messenger or app all day and night. So it's not like her complaint is about us not having constant communication. Her complaint is about us not having *meaningful* communication.

So perhaps when LDRs are established, people rely on meaningful communication more than they realize and when LDRs close the distance, meaningful communication is sometimes hard to sustain at the same level that was once established. There is quite a challenge and adjustment going from LDR to closed distance.

[autumn1790]

Knowing that this will never be home for him. Knowing if we stay together, I will probably end up living in India to provide for his parents--a place that will never be home to me. Watching him struggle to find comfort food here in the US, remembering how I longed for American food while in India (to the point that after a couple weeks, I just asked for soda and potato chips for dinner one night). No matter how much we mesh our lives, our backgrounds will never change, so one of us will always be missing a piece of them.

[Moon]

Knowing that this will never be home for him. Knowing if we stay together, I will probably end up living in India to provide for his parents--a place that will never be home to me. Watching him struggle to find comfort food here in the US, remembering how I longed for American food while in India (to the point that after a couple weeks, I just asked for soda and potato chips for dinner one night). No matter how much we mesh our lives, our backgrounds will never change, so one of us will always be missing a piece of them.

Have you thought about moving somewhere in the US with a bigger Indian population? There are a few in the mid-west, so it wouldn't be completely different for you, and might make him feel much more at home. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Indian_Americans

[Rezie]

Knowing when it is time to let go. Sometimes love is not enough. Letting go when youbdont want to and accepting that you can't think "what if I had moved".

Once closing the distance accepting the lack of independence. I'm relying on another person due to not knowing how to operate and I can't afford to pay 50%. Accepting that someone wants to provide for me and me having to swallow my pride and accept that I can't pay my share. (We had a money talk yesterday and he won't let me pay 50% because I realistically can't afford it)

When the distance is closed then making the next plan then adjusting to it. The deciding if this is what we want. Knowing how much time to give in order to know if this is reality or of this is just the changes.

[autumn1790]

Have you thought about moving somewhere in the US with a bigger Indian population? There are a few in the mid-west, so it wouldn't be completely different for you, and might make him feel much more at home. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Indian_Americans

There is an Indian population where he's at ish...but the closest ethnic grocery store is 6 miles away and the restaurants are even farther. But, at the end of the day, he is his parents' only son, and in that culture, the sons usually take care of the parents in their advancing years. Which at this point I'm feeling trepidation about, because his sister is nasty to me, and his parents don't really speak English (plus as I wrote somewhere else, they recently forbade him from having a love marriage, so I doubt things will go awesomely at first). Who knows what the future holds...I try not to think about it too much.

[CKY182]

Simply just the fact that we are so far away and I miss him so deeply it hurts, physically hurts.
His touch, his voice, his smell, everything...
The thing I actually miss the most of all is holding him, giving him a hug and squeeze him and feeling
his warmth and love though that embrace. I'd kill to have that sooner rather than later.

[Reyhoney]

I think commitment for us. We both have strong feelings but without someone there constantly and doing things together, you don’t feel committed or don’t feel like it is as serious as other relationships around you, no matter how serious you want it to be.

He could be out and see beautiful women and feel like he’s missing out, and I can’t say with 100% positivity that he’d always pick me, cause no matter how special I am or what we have, the women around are REAL and tangible and I’m not. What makes me think we won’t wake up one day and think “screw this”?