France to Romania,

[marc-bzh]

Hello everyone,

I first would like to introduce myself as I'm new around here. I'm Marc, a 25 years old french student. So, I'm writing here, as you can guess, to ask for advice or maybe just honest opinions about what's been happening in my life lately.

Last summer, in July, I met a girl online from Romania and after weeks of talking and skype (and after she broke up with her boyfriend), we ended up telling each other about our feelings and she's been my girlfriend ever since. What's wrong about that, you might wonder ? Well she broke up with me last friday.

To put things into perspective, her ex boyfriend was a violent guy and that's one of the reasons why she dumped him in the first place. He's been to her appartment several time during our relationship to threaten her, and last friday he came back, saw my messages on her phone, broke it and he beat my girlfriend like a coward. She was in tears and told me that even if she loves me with all her heart, she can't continue because these things happen and she's not strong enough to endure it.

She broke up with me once before, because she was hurt by the distance and was afraid that I'd cheat on her (even though it's the complete opposit of my personnality, but it was hard for her to believe me), but we got back together a few days after it because we love each other sincerely.

This time, I feel like she will not come back to me. The thing is, I told her that I love her more than anything but I want her happiness and her safety before my own and if it was what she really wanted or needed, I'd respect her decision and would not try to convince her to change her mind.

The problem is that it is killing me, and I don't know what to do. We are still talking and she even tells me that I'm her love, but I hurts me more than anything because my guts tell me that she will find someone else, and I will be devastated when that happens.

Oh, by the way we didn't see each other in real yet, because she was not ready to see me. She told me she was afraid that I would hurt her or something like that. It hurt me when she said that, since in my life all I try to do is give love to people around me and the simple thought of hurting somebody, even a stranger, makes me sick. But I can't blame her for trust issues after what she's been through with her ex.

I don't know what to do or what to think, so it'd be nice if you guys could give me your opinion about this. I'd be happy to give mine on other threads too.

TLDR My girlfriend broke up with me after being beaten by her ex, because she can't endure these things and I'm too far away to protect her. I understand her and respect her, even though I don't understand how breaking up will help her, since we are both madly in love

Sincerely,
Marc

[Lune]

Hello Marc and bienvenu!

I read your whole post, what you both are in is really some difficult situation. Her because she is not safe and gets threatened and you because you are too far away to do something. The first thing that came to my mind when I read about her ex boyfriend's behavior is, if she already had talked to someone else around her about this, like friends, family or anything and also would get support and safety. What her ex does is a very dangerous behavior, she should go to the police and try to do something about this as soon as possible to safe herself and make an end to being treated like that. If he was violent already when they still were together it doesn't seem like a person who only does what he does because she is with someone else or you now. As long as he can come back without her doing something about it and searching for help, it will probably never end, also not when she would be with someone new, it sounds like a situation that can escalate too much with every other day.

About your relationship, her behavior is something like a self defense, she must feel pretty desperate and being with someone far away adds an additional pressure, plus when she cannot trust you that much still that she didn't want to meet yet, there seems to be much more undercover what needs time and perhaps a therapy, too. When you still communicate on a regular basis, try to be there for her, try to make her go to search help from others against her violent ex and give her time.
It's for sure not easy at all and a very unpleasant situation for you, you seem to be a really nice and understanding person though so you could make it and slowly find a way for both of you.
How old is she? Is there any way she could get out of the country for a bit holiday like to be out of reach of her violent ex?

All the best,
Lune

[marc-bzh]

Thank you for your answer, I really appreciate your kind words.

I already tried to convince her to go to the police but she told me several times that they can't do anything. It sounds unreal to me that law enforcements could let these things go unpunished but, well what do I know ? France and Romania are two very different countries, with very different history and backgrounds.

I'm trying to be here for her even after our separation be cause I imagine how desperate she must feel about what is happening in her life, and also how sad she must feel about breaking up with me despite her feelings.

That being said, I must admit that sometimes it's hard because things she says just hurt me. Ffor instance, we talked about her work this morning and I was telling her I was happy that it's getting better. She told me things she achieved lately, and then asked me "where is the ring ? ".

I know it may sound like a joke you would tell to any of your friends, but I am not just any friend. I told her that giving her a ring was the one thing in the world that I dream of. I know I should have just laughed at her joke but I struggle with emotions sometimes. I'm trying to keep them inside, for sure, but in the end of the day I am not a robot. But I realize it's not making things any better.

Best wishes,
Marc

[Lune]

You are welcome, it's not much, but I am glad it helped a bit

Mhh alright, then it's making it even more difficult. I have no idea how it is with the police in Romania, yet she must have a plan or something what she imagines how it should go on, not only for the two of you but also herself. It's at least worth a try, before falling into some unconsciousness and acceptance of the situation what people who experience often do out of fear or because they think that nobody cares anyway.
Many countries have other institutions you can go to as well, I found one in Romania at least, too, probably that would be a thing: Solwodi Association

Then to you, you really have to see for yourself how much you can and want take. If it gets too much for you, that is absolutely understandable, you should take care of yourself, too. So like I said, support her as much as you can, but set a limit for yourself too, before it drags you down and into a hole. It's not easy at all to let go, there are only a few things you can do though and you have to see how long and in what manner they are acceptable for you.

I don't really understand the question with the ring. Does she mean a ring just like this as a gift or as a symbol for more like an engagement? Because considering the fact that you are not together right now that would be very rude and weird as well a bit. Do you talk with her about how you feel about her and the situation she is in? How does she react to this, that it hurts you as well? Because keeping them for yourself is not good, since both sides are important in a relationship, no matter if between friends or lovers. You should be able to talk about good and also tricky things. If it only gets worse it might be better to go separate ways for a while, so you can breathe and she also make a choice for what she wants.

[marc-bzh]

Hello there,

So sorry for the delay, I've had long working days.

Well I talked to her again about police and women protection institutions but she kept repeating it was useless and they that they never did anything. I didn't insist too much yet, because it semed pointless but I will probably try to push her a little in that direction.

About the ring, she was just joking about the fact that I could ask her to marry her, in the sense "be so much proud of her". I'm not sure if it's clear.

Anyway, this morning she told me she was going to see a man who she met in town. I was hurt and told her she had been fast forgetting me.
She then told me it was not true, and she was "joking". I told her I felt bad about it her stupid joke and she said that she knew it and liked it (meaning that she liked that I showed i loved her with my reaction) and that she loved me.

So i'm upset at her now, because even if she loves me and I love her, I don't accept that she played with my feelings. I know she didn't think of the consequences, but I'm still upset about it. It's getting hard to know what to think or do because I don't understand why we are not together anymore if she loves me.

Best wishes,
Marc