Need advice. Is he giving mixed signals or am i just in denial?

[paperplane]

I am not sure how to handle this current situation and would love some advice. This isn't an LDR yet, but potentially could become one...but I'm so confused.

We met 3 months ago while I was travelling in his country and have spent most of that time together. It's been a whirlwind. He's pretty settled into his life here and I'm the first person he's wanted to take things more seriously with in a while....

EXCEPT, my visa ends in a month, which we both knew already. Neither of us expected things to progress how they did.

At T minus 30 days, I've asked him what he expects for us when I leave. I said "Do you want be in a serious long distance relationship, or just sort of...keep talking? Or..." He responded that if I was living here long term, he would definitely love to keep things going and become serious, that he hasn't felt this way for a long time. He doesn't want to commit to me when he's not sure when/if I'll come back, but then told me I can't move for just him. All of this, logically, makes sense given our dating span. It's not my logical side that's typing all of this.

I love this country, but visas are an issue, that would take a long time and investment to sort out, and we haven't been dating long enough to go for long term partner type visas. He straight up said "Don't move for me."
There are other options that would make more sense for me financially and the bonus pulling me to this place in particular is him. I have to be honest about that with myself.

Then the mixed signals start.

The next day, he cried while we were cuddling. Before I left to my house, he pulled me really close and said “When I have money, I’ll fly to visit you, or buy your plane ticket here, or we can travel in(country we've talked about) together.”

He leaves for a trip tomorrow to visit his overseas parents, which he invited ME on, despite having not seen them in years. I had to decline because of work.

He called me tonight, the night before his flight, to tell me he misses me and to chat.

The day before, he showed up at my house with an amazing, thoughtful, early birthday gift that I wouldn't have been able to afford. My birthday isn't until I get back to my country so he could totally have just skipped that.

I'm trying to pull away while he's gone and emotionally get used to the idea that we'll be over when I go, but when I asked what kind of contact to expect from him, he said he'd call me every day while he's abroad. Why is he wanting to maintain this connection, if he doesn't want an LDR?? Why bother??

I'll have a couple more chances to hang out with him when he gets back, which I want to enjoy, but it feels like a twist of a knife.

I need some pragmatic advice on how I should handle this. I don't want this to just die on a messaging app a few weeks after I get home. I would rather end things now, on a high note, if he doesn't want to be in an LDR. That, or make plans for at least the next visit. I'm just really confused by his actions vs words.

If anyone has any input or advice, I would love some. Tough love is fine too. Maybe I need it.

[erwin1973]

Well... my 2 cents then.

First of all: welcome to our wonderful forum. Second: congratulations with your sweet love.

To the point: your relationship is young and in the honeymoon-phase. That's natural, of course. It looks like both of you are willing to continue and work on keeping the relationship going, but at the same time are really scared for what an LDR might bring. That is normal, of course. You've been (living) together for a few months now and will be separated for who-knows-how-long. That is hard.

The mixed signals he gives are, in my opinion, just fear for the LDR, and because he loves you. May be he is afraid to loose you in the LDR over time (but hey, when you are close together, the same might happen). In my opinion, being in an LDR brings you closer together.

What I would do, if I were you, is ask him if he is afraid for the LDR. If so (I expect him to say 'yes') then talk about it with him. When you're both committed to continuing the relationship, give it a try. You'll regret it if you don't try it, believe me.

And yes, it's normal to be afraid for an LDR.

I think you have found yourself a very sweet man and I would give it a shot. Don't distance yourself because you might go into an LDR. Just give it a try. For you and for him. LDR's are hard, but wonderful.

Good luck.

[paperplane]

Thank you so much for your kind words, I wasn't expecting encouragement, honestly.

My last ldr was almost 2 years long and did not have a happy ending, so I'm also not committing unless I have a strong "yes" from him. I swore I wouldn't do this again ever, but here we are.

I wanted him to say "yes let's do it, when can I/you visit next?" but he basically said he can't commit to someone so far away, which bodes poorly. I feel like he wants to stay in touch, but not be exclusive. I don't know if I want to invest with someone long distance if they're sleeping with or dating other people. So I guess I'll have to ask him for clarification when he gets back. I'll also ask if he's afraid. What can I say to allay his fears?



I'm sort of viewing his family visit as a trial run. Maybe while he's away he'll realize it could work :/

[erwin1973]

I fully understand what you are saying here.
My first LDR ended up in a marriage and 10½ years later in a devorce. Still, I am trying again, hoping (knowing?) I found the right one this time.
Nice that you have a trial period, so to say. In the end it's your decision.

[Chris516]

I will throw my $.02 into the mix.

He is being a little ambiguous. Yet, So are you.

Both of you, have a concern about the distance. You said you are shutting down your emotions, when he leaves.

Both of you need to make that emotional commitment to each other.

[paperplane]

I fully understand what you are saying here.
My first LDR ended up in a marriage and 10½ years later in a devorce. Still, I am trying again, hoping (knowing?) I found the right one this time.
Nice that you have a trial period, so to say. In the end it's your decision.

Wow, 10.5 years married is a great run. I'm happy for you that you've found someone special again
The trial period is just 2 weeks. long enough to miss eachother but in the LDR scheme of things, nothing really. But about 2 weeks after he gets back, I leave for god knows how long.

I will throw my $.02 into the mix.

He is being a little ambiguous. Yet, So are you.

Both of you, have a concern about the distance. You said you are shutting down your emotions, when he leaves.

Both of you need to make that emotional commitment to each other.

I don't intend to be ambiguous so I appreciate that you pointed that out. It's given me some food for thought.
I know we shouldn't let the past affect our present and I think I'm letting a lot of past hurts dictate my fear. I always feel like I need to emotionally prepare for the worst case scenario. In this case, it's that after all of this, he will drop me at the airport with kisses and heartfelt promises, and then when I land, he'll be cordial and friendly and unromantic and poof, gone.

I can't control his actions and it's going to be painful when I leave regardless, so I might as well show him the same level of investment that he's showing right now, make it very clear that I want to see him again, and just, I guess, adjust it if he starts to fade out.

[erwin1973]

I will throw my $.02 into the mix.

He is being a little ambiguous. Yet, So are you.

Both of you, have a concern about the distance. You said you are shutting down your emotions, when he leaves.

Both of you need to make that emotional commitment to each other.

That is actually what I was trying to say.

Wow, 10.5 years married is a great run. I'm happy for you that you've found someone special again

Well, if I had had the nerves to break up earlier, it would have been 'only' 6 years. That marriage was like hell, but yeah... child together, so you know what happens then, right? Trying to fix the unfixable for the child.