I think our plans are clashing...shall I end it?

[fern184]

Hi everyone,

A year and 7 months ago, I met an amazing guy during my year abroad. We are both on a mature student age side (I am 24 in April, he is 26 in March), that's why I wasn't sure if I should post this in college section. Anyway, we met at the beginning of the exchange, both newly single after quite toxic relationships and we really liked each other straight away but decided to be friends. We started sleeping together at some point and we never actually dated anyone else. The semester ended, he moved back to Germany and I stayed for another 6 months in Asia. He called me every few days and was adamant that we keep in touch. After my exchange ended, he invited me to his country. I've stayed there for 2 weeks and was supposed to be just some sort of romantic one-off holiday turned into a long distance relationship. After a year of battling this idea, we couldn't pretend anymore that we're not in love.

I live in England and he still lives in Germany. Even though we've been together only for 7 months, that year of friendship made the relationship strong. I've never felt so close to someone despite being in love before and he also never felt so confident about the relationship. He has to do his masters in Germany, which will take 2 years. He tried to move to England for masters, but the ridiculous prices just make it unreasonable to do it ( 9k vs free masters in Germany). I don't mind these 2 years, they will be really difficult but as long as we can be together after it, I'm 100% in. However, till his recent visit, I thought we're both very keen to move to Canada together. After all, I cannot speak German so moving to Germany would be quite harmful for my potential career and he just cannot imagine his life in England.

Unfortunately, I've been a bit delusional. My partner told me that yes, he thought it would be nice to live abroad for a few years but otherwise he's very determined to stay in Germany. He claims if he ever did move it would be mainly because of me, which obviously isn't a very good reason: if something goes wrong, there's always 'I moved for you' card that just ruins relationships. I want to be a therapist in the future, which means that learning German language to such an advanced level in your mid twenties is incredibly difficult. I know something about it, I moved to England at age 16 with no language skills. It took me a lot of work, tears and determination to learn it and it was a very isolating experience. I don't want to feel isolated and worse than anyone else, and slow down my career whilst my partner excels in his job, has his childhood friends an family to support him. I don't think this setting would be a healthy scenario, but perhaps I'm being pessimistic. My partner's English is great and his future career in business and engineering can provide him with a decent job almost everywhere in the world.

I'm being very chaotic. Basically, he says we should wait these next 2-3 years and 'see what happens' because you never know. I understand, I don't want us to sign a bloody contract for the future, I just think that if I'm so open minded about living somewhere else- whether it is with him or without him- and he is so focused on Germany as his main base, then maybe it is pointless to carry on this ldr? I love him so much, but you know, ldrs are quite painful as it is and I just wanted some reassurance, but I never got one from him. I think doing 2-3 years of this and then realise that we'll never live together would be much more painful than a break up now. I told him everything what I felt and thought, we talked for hours and I said that 'I know right now that I'm willing to do some compromises and modifications to my life for this to work as long as I can have some kind of career prospects. All you are saying now is that you don't know and don't know is not good enough for me. Please, if you know you cannot promise me that you are willing to do the same then tell me and we can end it now.'

He refused to say it, he said he needs some time to come up with this 'perfect plan'. I said it's fine, but I don't know...my head is a mess right now. I desperately need some advice. So far, someone I know said that we're clearly on different pages and we probably should end it and someone he knows said that it's unfair for me to ask him for reassurance so early on. I mean, come on, all the ldrs I know have some sort of idea of where they're going to live together. He keeps mentioning that he'd do everything to make my life great in Germany. I'm offering him any place as long as I can have some sort of career and he keeps giving me one place in return...I mentioned the possibility of breaking up, but we both feel that this connection might never happen again. We're both quite introverted and yet, we talk for 1-2h a day, everyday and so far, whatever difference or obstacle we had, we would just support each other so much. I've been in relationships before and on quite a few dates, I just don't think a guy like this is so easy to find. He is a truly amazing person and it's coming from a very critical person like me. I would also not only lose a partner, but a friend.

[Lune]

Hello Fern and welcome to the forum ^^

I read your text and on one side I can see your problem, on the other side I don't think it has to cause so much trouble yet. Your relationship is going for a few months already, but considering that he won't be able to leave Germany before he finished his studies there I get why it is not possible to make concrete plans about what comes after that yet. No one knows what will happen in these years so already only focusing on that and filling the present with it when you could invest time and energy more in building up your relationship furthermore could be only poison for all that is good for now.
And you both also have still time to develop your relationship and the plans more on too, also because it is not so tricky to get to England from here and back so you can probably visit each other often, get to know the countries themselves and also come in touch with the language you don't know much slowly with time too and see how it goes. Also from what you tell it seems like this is the major issue you two have to face right now and everything else is quite harmonic? Every relationship goes through more serious phases, always end it when you feel like you found someone you work well together with so much is not the best, especially when there is still space to find solutions together.

In the end you have to know what you want. To the point of the idea "all" LDRs have, I disagree about that. There are many where the partners don't even have met yet, or also people who are married already and still don't live together because it is not so easy and only time can show in some situations. Plus theoretically you have an idea for both of you as well, only because he said he cannot imagine to live in Canada forever yet does not mean he will never change his mind about it. Sometimes you get to like a place more or less also when just going for it. And you also cannot say with 100 % safety if you would like it completely too and feel like home there, do you?

I would just recommend to focus on your present situation more and like I said, travel together, get to know what you don't know about another yet and collect plans for the future and do what you can to let them become clearer.

All the best!

[Littlewhiteflower]

I also agree with what Lune said. Not all long distance couples have an idea of where they will end up. I know I'll have to move for my SO and for his career. Where will we end up? I don't know, because it's still in 2-3 years from now and I have other worries right now than focusing on what might happen in 2 years.

You know, yes sometimes you can think "it's not worth it", but in the end, you have no idea how your relationship will evolve. Focusing on the far future in a LDR is sometimes what we can do best, except we don't know what might happen. You could meet a man in England, fall in love with him, spent two years with him and break up after two years. Will it have been a waste of time? Maybe, but it will have been a new experience, and a way to grow up. It is the same with a LDR, except you don't see this person every day.

I see my SO twice a year. It's not much. Is it still worth it ? Yes, because I don't think a man could understand me as much as he can do. I love him and even if I had a man at home, i don't know if it would be as good. It might be. But it might not be.

Life is built on a bunch of choices. You don't know what will result of these choices, but you have to adapt according to the consequences, good or bad.

Just focus on what you have right now with him. Build something with him. Don't think too much about the future. Who know what the future is made of ? You have an idea that something will happen in some ways and then, it changes and everything turns out to be completely different from what it was supposed to be. Just think about life experience you had in the past. You probably already had expectations about some stuff that would happen and it happened in a different way. Nobody can predict the future. So, just enjoy the moment.

If you stop believing in your relationship though, maybe it's better to end it now though.

Best of luck !

[C.C.]

I don't believe in fantasising and dreaming. I think you should only be in an LDR only if there is some chance or an idea at least to close the distance. Not detailed plans no but some vague ideas at least. And by "should" I mean that it's extremely hard to keep it going without it and it'll weigh on you more and more as you move forward.

On the other hand, I think you guys are fairly early on and you should explore more things. Both of you. Like he could maybe explore specific aspects of living in Canada or some other English speaking country. Maybe he doesn't like the idea of being that far away from his country and, for example, Ireland would fit his life better? Or maybe he ends up liking Canada after learning more about it. He doesn't need a precise perfect plan but just to get more comfortable with the idea. As in, he should be willing or at least imagining to move if nothing else works out and if he doesn't want to lose you for it.

On the other hand. You should honestly try to learn German. I know you have past language trauma but the difference is, you were forced to learn it right away and you were under a lot of pressure then whereas now you have 2-3 years. I honestly don't see German fluency as unimaginable either, there are several people around me who have reached C1 levels and many on B2. (German is a popular second language after English in my country). You could at least enter some German language classes and see how it goes for few months and see in practice if it can work or not. I'm dating a Finn and I have years till I move but I have heard stories of people moving to Finland and learning goddamn Finnish to fluency. Yes it is hard and yes it might involve lots of tears but I think it's very doable and many people are capable of it.

So basically. I do not think you need a specific plan but you both can't continue on "I don't want to leave my comfort zone" levels either. LDR involves some sacrifices and you both should be at least willing to make some of those or to explore more around your comfort zones.