Hi everyone,
A year and 7 months ago, I met an amazing guy during my year abroad. We are both on a mature student age side (I am 24 in April, he is 26 in March), that's why I wasn't sure if I should post this in college section. Anyway, we met at the beginning of the exchange, both newly single after quite toxic relationships and we really liked each other straight away but decided to be friends. We started sleeping together at some point and we never actually dated anyone else. The semester ended, he moved back to Germany and I stayed for another 6 months in Asia. He called me every few days and was adamant that we keep in touch. After my exchange ended, he invited me to his country. I've stayed there for 2 weeks and was supposed to be just some sort of romantic one-off holiday turned into a long distance relationship. After a year of battling this idea, we couldn't pretend anymore that we're not in love.
I live in England and he still lives in Germany. Even though we've been together only for 7 months, that year of friendship made the relationship strong. I've never felt so close to someone despite being in love before and he also never felt so confident about the relationship. He has to do his masters in Germany, which will take 2 years. He tried to move to England for masters, but the ridiculous prices just make it unreasonable to do it ( 9k vs free masters in Germany). I don't mind these 2 years, they will be really difficult but as long as we can be together after it, I'm 100% in. However, till his recent visit, I thought we're both very keen to move to Canada together. After all, I cannot speak German so moving to Germany would be quite harmful for my potential career and he just cannot imagine his life in England.
Unfortunately, I've been a bit delusional. My partner told me that yes, he thought it would be nice to live abroad for a few years but otherwise he's very determined to stay in Germany. He claims if he ever did move it would be mainly because of me, which obviously isn't a very good reason: if something goes wrong, there's always 'I moved for you' card that just ruins relationships. I want to be a therapist in the future, which means that learning German language to such an advanced level in your mid twenties is incredibly difficult. I know something about it, I moved to England at age 16 with no language skills. It took me a lot of work, tears and determination to learn it and it was a very isolating experience. I don't want to feel isolated and worse than anyone else, and slow down my career whilst my partner excels in his job, has his childhood friends an family to support him. I don't think this setting would be a healthy scenario, but perhaps I'm being pessimistic. My partner's English is great and his future career in business and engineering can provide him with a decent job almost everywhere in the world.
I'm being very chaotic. Basically, he says we should wait these next 2-3 years and 'see what happens' because you never know. I understand, I don't want us to sign a bloody contract for the future, I just think that if I'm so open minded about living somewhere else- whether it is with him or without him- and he is so focused on Germany as his main base, then maybe it is pointless to carry on this ldr? I love him so much, but you know, ldrs are quite painful as it is and I just wanted some reassurance, but I never got one from him. I think doing 2-3 years of this and then realise that we'll never live together would be much more painful than a break up now. I told him everything what I felt and thought, we talked for hours and I said that 'I know right now that I'm willing to do some compromises and modifications to my life for this to work as long as I can have some kind of career prospects. All you are saying now is that you don't know and don't know is not good enough for me. Please, if you know you cannot promise me that you are willing to do the same then tell me and we can end it now.'
He refused to say it, he said he needs some time to come up with this 'perfect plan'. I said it's fine, but I don't know...my head is a mess right now. I desperately need some advice. So far, someone I know said that we're clearly on different pages and we probably should end it and someone he knows said that it's unfair for me to ask him for reassurance so early on. I mean, come on, all the ldrs I know have some sort of idea of where they're going to live together. He keeps mentioning that he'd do everything to make my life great in Germany. I'm offering him any place as long as I can have some sort of career and he keeps giving me one place in return...I mentioned the possibility of breaking up, but we both feel that this connection might never happen again. We're both quite introverted and yet, we talk for 1-2h a day, everyday and so far, whatever difference or obstacle we had, we would just support each other so much. I've been in relationships before and on quite a few dates, I just don't think a guy like this is so easy to find. He is a truly amazing person and it's coming from a very critical person like me. I would also not only lose a partner, but a friend.
A year and 7 months ago, I met an amazing guy during my year abroad. We are both on a mature student age side (I am 24 in April, he is 26 in March), that's why I wasn't sure if I should post this in college section. Anyway, we met at the beginning of the exchange, both newly single after quite toxic relationships and we really liked each other straight away but decided to be friends. We started sleeping together at some point and we never actually dated anyone else. The semester ended, he moved back to Germany and I stayed for another 6 months in Asia. He called me every few days and was adamant that we keep in touch. After my exchange ended, he invited me to his country. I've stayed there for 2 weeks and was supposed to be just some sort of romantic one-off holiday turned into a long distance relationship. After a year of battling this idea, we couldn't pretend anymore that we're not in love.
I live in England and he still lives in Germany. Even though we've been together only for 7 months, that year of friendship made the relationship strong. I've never felt so close to someone despite being in love before and he also never felt so confident about the relationship. He has to do his masters in Germany, which will take 2 years. He tried to move to England for masters, but the ridiculous prices just make it unreasonable to do it ( 9k vs free masters in Germany). I don't mind these 2 years, they will be really difficult but as long as we can be together after it, I'm 100% in. However, till his recent visit, I thought we're both very keen to move to Canada together. After all, I cannot speak German so moving to Germany would be quite harmful for my potential career and he just cannot imagine his life in England.
Unfortunately, I've been a bit delusional. My partner told me that yes, he thought it would be nice to live abroad for a few years but otherwise he's very determined to stay in Germany. He claims if he ever did move it would be mainly because of me, which obviously isn't a very good reason: if something goes wrong, there's always 'I moved for you' card that just ruins relationships. I want to be a therapist in the future, which means that learning German language to such an advanced level in your mid twenties is incredibly difficult. I know something about it, I moved to England at age 16 with no language skills. It took me a lot of work, tears and determination to learn it and it was a very isolating experience. I don't want to feel isolated and worse than anyone else, and slow down my career whilst my partner excels in his job, has his childhood friends an family to support him. I don't think this setting would be a healthy scenario, but perhaps I'm being pessimistic. My partner's English is great and his future career in business and engineering can provide him with a decent job almost everywhere in the world.
I'm being very chaotic. Basically, he says we should wait these next 2-3 years and 'see what happens' because you never know. I understand, I don't want us to sign a bloody contract for the future, I just think that if I'm so open minded about living somewhere else- whether it is with him or without him- and he is so focused on Germany as his main base, then maybe it is pointless to carry on this ldr? I love him so much, but you know, ldrs are quite painful as it is and I just wanted some reassurance, but I never got one from him. I think doing 2-3 years of this and then realise that we'll never live together would be much more painful than a break up now. I told him everything what I felt and thought, we talked for hours and I said that 'I know right now that I'm willing to do some compromises and modifications to my life for this to work as long as I can have some kind of career prospects. All you are saying now is that you don't know and don't know is not good enough for me. Please, if you know you cannot promise me that you are willing to do the same then tell me and we can end it now.'
He refused to say it, he said he needs some time to come up with this 'perfect plan'. I said it's fine, but I don't know...my head is a mess right now. I desperately need some advice. So far, someone I know said that we're clearly on different pages and we probably should end it and someone he knows said that it's unfair for me to ask him for reassurance so early on. I mean, come on, all the ldrs I know have some sort of idea of where they're going to live together. He keeps mentioning that he'd do everything to make my life great in Germany. I'm offering him any place as long as I can have some sort of career and he keeps giving me one place in return...I mentioned the possibility of breaking up, but we both feel that this connection might never happen again. We're both quite introverted and yet, we talk for 1-2h a day, everyday and so far, whatever difference or obstacle we had, we would just support each other so much. I've been in relationships before and on quite a few dates, I just don't think a guy like this is so easy to find. He is a truly amazing person and it's coming from a very critical person like me. I would also not only lose a partner, but a friend.
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