Am I being too clingy? 1st time doing LDR, Thailand for 4 months.

[saransarang]

Hello, I am 20 years old a college student and my boyfriend 22 years old from Thailand. He came to the U.S. three years ago and is getting his degree here at the same university as me. He will be in Japan for one week and then he is flying to Thailand for four months to see his family which he has not seen in 3 years and will not be back until the beginning of the Fall Semester in August and in the spring of 2019 he wants to buy an apartment with me.

We started dating OFFICIALLY a month ago and things went pretty quickly. The three weeks before he left I practically lived with him at his apartment because he wanted me to. I lost my virginity to him and we love each other a lot and this is probably my best and most healthiest relationship yet. It was simply a dream come true, too good to be true.

Before he left, he told me he would call me two times a day and would text a lot. He said he would miss me so much and that he's always with me and that he is coming back so there is nothing to worry about. He has done long distance before for 1 year with a Japanese girl who lived in Japan the entire time.

He left almost a week ago and I feel myself going crazy. I am becoming incredibly insecure and I don't know what to do with myself. August seems so far away. There are a 114 day left until he comes back. I know most LDR couples have a worse in that you don't even know exactly when they will see each other again. This is my first experience and Im trying to handle it well.

He calls me twice a day but the phone calls are usually short like sometimes 5 to 10 minutes, or sometimes 30 minutes. He's in Japan right now for a week to meet with friends because, he went to highschool there. So, he is basically being a tourist and whatnot so, everyday is a new adventure for him.

I told him exactly how I felt like I feel like I am going crazy, like he used to give me so much attention and love and them bam! I don't get much of that anymore. and I'll try to be lovey dovey or sweet but, he'll just say like "I love you babe" and nothing more. I told him I want reassurance and to feel loved because, Im going crazy!! I know its me and not him. Some hours will go by and Im fine and then the sadness will just creep up into me and will stay for hours. He is really good at expressing himself in person but, through text he is truly the worst texter there is. There hasn't been a day go by that I don't cry.

We have yinyang necklaces charms but he says he hates necklaces and wore it on the flight but now he just keeps it in his wallet. He tells me he doesnt want to have to walk and text in the streets of Tokyo cause he wants to enjoy everything around him and that Im the only person he's been texting. He said he doesn't want to text unless its to tell me what he's doing and fixing to do and things like that.
We haven't had like actual lengthy quality conversation. He says to just give him one week (In Japan) and that when he goes home to Thailand and things are slowed down it'll be okay.

Today's the first morning he didn't call because about 4 am (8pm in Japan Time) he says he was drunk and gong to sleep and he apologized and Said " I love you. Sometimes I feel like im being rude to you and you always care about me so much. I just wanna let you know that I do care and always thinking about you. Because I love you and want to create future with you."

Then he woke up two hours later said I just woke up , Im jet lagged, Then put his phone back on airplane mode and went back to sleep.

I just feel like I am craving more attention that he can't or won't give me. Before he left he said we could watch netflix in sync together while we facetime and all these other long distance couple activities. I brought it up to him and he was just like I can't do that right now.

I feel like I would be fine if we got to have quality conversation that lasted like an hour at least or so. And the conversation would not just be about what Im doing today or what he's doing for the day.

I just have fear that when he goes to home to Thailand its going to remain like this.
I have a fear that if he doesn't do what I want to my standards that I'll end up resenting him and won't want a relationship with him anymore which is just me going crazy!! I just feel like I am going to ruin the relationship.

How can I chill out and stop being so insecure and anxious?
Please help a girl out.

[RWhiz]

Yes. Stop being clingy and insecure. I'm about to end my LDR as we're moving in together and the one thing we've very much learned is that no matter what we trust each other 100%. Yes when I first developed feelings for her there were insecurities, we talked a lot, about her insecurities as well as mine. That was last November, for the rest of our relationship, maybe lives we'll always trust each other 100% and that came from the LDR portion of the relationship. I really believe we'll be better off because we had to address it rather than take it for granted.

For you, yes, a call, text or whatever is now a much more complicated ordeal that may or may not ease your insecurity. Don't worry if you trust him it'll be worth it. Learn to develop the trust and put yourself into his shoes, busy, time changes, sleeping, family time requirements etc. Don't always expect a fast response as if he were right here.

[Littlewhiteflower]

Yes i think you are being too clingy. I can understand your insecurity, but he will come back and 114 days apart isn't that bad. I think you should relax a bit because you might push him away if you act needy with him. He is with friends/family that he has not seen for a long time. Yet he still finds time for you. So, i think you should try to see it positively.

An hour call a day would be long (according to my own experience). At some point, it is normal to have less to talk about. It is also normal to feel worried or to not feel the connection you had together. The distance can be hard to deal with but it is a good way to see if a relationship is meant to be.

Change your mind. Go out. Have fun. Don't expect a call or a text. Just find hobbies to change your mind. It will help you. Try to enjoy the summer that is coming. everything will be alright

[autumn1790]

He is having an amazing once-in-a-lifetime experience. He hasn't seen his friends and family in three years. Put yourself in his shoes...if you hadn't seen your friends and family for three years and flew across the world to see them, would you want to be spending all your jet-lagged energy on someone you met a month ago? If you've ever been jet lagged, you know how much it sucks; if you haven't, try to cut him some slack. August is really not that far away. Don't suffocate your relationship by not giving him room to be himself and have fun.

[MushuChicken]

Okay let me first and foremost say this: there is the elephant in the room in any LDR that is the worry of what if he or she can't make it work? Or what if he or she meets someone else? Not even that they would cheat...but just that they may meet someone else. Now, this isn't exclusive to LDRs. This can happen in close distance too. But, with LD, the absence, the distance, may make another person seem a lot easier. So, the insecurities, the worry doesn't make you weird, doesn't make you wrong...it makes you human.

However...it sounds like you have a really good thing going. So far, with one exception, he has honored his agreement. And, he really seems to be making an effort. Two calls a day is great, no matter how short they may be. Heck, even one call a day is more than some of even the best LDRs get. Now, maybe it would mean more to you to get just 2 phone calls a week, but two very in depth longer phone calls. That is something you guys can work out, what works best for you.

Take this from the bottom of my heart, because I have been where you are. I know the place you go quite well. You get inside your own head. You imagine the worst case scenarios. I am an overthinker and a worrier. So...I can completely relate, but I can also try to help you not make the same mistakes I have. The anxiety, the worry, the yes-clinginess-, will cause issues at some point. For me, it destroyed or at least crippled nearly every potential relationship I've ever had. With my last relationship, I wore my heart on my sleeve and let him know exactly how I felt when I was feeling insecure and frustrated. Cathartic sometimes? Sure. Beneficial? Not at all.

With the current guy I'm seeing, I have made a choice to at all costs, chill out. To be collected and reasonable, whatever that may take. Now, this is not something that comes easily or naturally to me. It is something that may not come easily to you either. But, it is a conscious effort I am making to give this relationship every chance to work out. I'm not going to lie. I still have momentary freak-outs. I still get inside my own head. But, I NEVER take it out on him, and I never let him see me freak out. But...truthfully, it works.

You see, yes, in the short term getting all your worries and frustrations out makes sense. But...trust me, it will lead to issues. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow...but little by little it will erode your relationship from the inside. It's a long game, and in the long term, it is much more worth it to just let it roll off your back. In my current situation, I don't have to worry about fighting with him every other day. I don't have to worry about resentment building up, leading to blowouts, leading to silent treatment for days at a time. There's no tension weighing down our relationship. When I'm in the moment with him, I can just be pleasant and just enjoy it. It's a much better way!

I'm not saying to never have a fight with him. I'm not saying to never express your concerns to him. But, for the long term, I think the more you choose to not worry (And yes, like I said before, it's hard and it will be an effort to do), the better things will be down the road. Then, when your guy does call you, you can feel just joyful that you are able to talk to him without the stress of the situation bubbling to the surface. And just enjoy it in the moment.

[paperplane]

"I just have fear that when he goes to home to Thailand its going to remain like this." What if it doesn't?
I have a fear that if he doesn't do what I want to my standards that I'll end up resenting him and won't want a relationship with him anymore which is just me going crazy!! I just feel like I am going to ruin the relationship." What emotions are your standards based on? Love? Fear? Hope?

You don't actually know if any of this will happen, but by obsessing over it, you are making it more likely. You can't control every aspect of his behavior, and you need to accept that and find ways to handle your anxiety that will not pressure him. Trying to control his actions abroad and freaking out over small details like whether he wants to wear your necklace 24/7 is going to make him feel like he can't do anything for fear of upsetting you, and HE might end it instead. I get that you do not want to feel like you're lowering your standards, but it is different in an LDr. He can't be by the phone 24/7. You have to adjust.

Get out of your own head. Plan a busy week with other people, build a life that does not revolve around him, and stop placing your happiness on whether or not this person can call you. You are allowed to be happy and enjoy your time away from him. It does not mean you love him any less. Love is not clinging. Love is trust. Trust him.

I've been there, I really have, and I get how you're feeling, but you are responsible for your feelings, not him. Now is a great opportunity for you to work out your insecurities around him being away and face them. It might help to find some self help books related to what your biggest fears are.

[TaraMarie]

I just have fear that when he goes to home to Thailand its going to remain like this.
I have a fear that if he doesn't do what I want to my standards that I'll end up resenting him and won't want a relationship with him anymore which is just me going crazy!! I just feel like I am going to ruin the relationship.

How can I chill out and stop being so insecure and anxious?
Please help a girl out.

Cross that bridge when you get to it. Let him enjoy his trip. Yes, I understand how you feel. I used to feel the same way. Sometimes, I still do when my husband travels and he's out to dinner or drinks with friends. I've learned to keep myself busy. That's when I have my friends over for wine and girl talk. It makes me feel better every time!