Crazy to think about rings?

[Flautist2000]

So, I know I'm not ready for a proposal (we've been together 9 months), but after my SO made a comment about marriage, I can't help but think about it.

When I'm ready, I know I'd want to propose with a "placeholder" ring. Not a true engagement ring, just something "for now" until she helps me choose something she will love. Basically, something nice enough to wear all the time for a few months, and that she might wear on another finger later if she wanted, but inexpensive enough that I won't care much if it sits in a box forever once she has her "real" ring.

Is it crazy to start looking for this "placeholder" ring now? We're in an awkward spot in the relationship now where a non-LDR couple might be looking at steps to move in together...but because of the distance, there's no possibility of a gradual shift. And yeah, together 9 months, but we've spent 3 weeks together in person. It's this difference that is weird to me...like, 9 months is pretty serious, but it still feels new sometimes because I don't get to hold her on a regular basis, y'know? But the minute I'm there with her, it's as if I'd never left, so... Sorry, that long ramble is why I'm not ready to actually propose. But, at 35, this is the first time I've ever felt like she is "the one." I've been married twice before, and didn't feel this way about them. Obviously, life happens, and maybe we'll never be able to close the distance, maybe something will happen and it just will never work out, but as of right now, I see my future with her. Idk why I feel a drive to buy a physical representation of that, but it's on my mind every day. Even if I won't give it to her for another 9 months (or whenever). Is that weird? Lol

Sorry, long ramble, looking more for conversation than specific answers, if that makes sense.

[Redheart14]

Only you can say if it's too soon or not. But if she's talking about it and it feels right then why not?

[Flautist2000]

Only you can say if it's too soon or not. But if she's talking about it and it feels right then why not?

Lol, because I may have been married twice, but this is the first time I've done anything "slowly"...ex #1 and I were roommates before getting together, so it was like insta-marriage at 18 (not legally until 25), then ex #2 and I got pregnant 3 months in, so that rushed things to a manipulated/icky commitment really fast. Just looking for validation because any time I mention plans for a future with my SO, lots of people still tell me "woah, slow down," or that I'm too invested "this early," and they don't want me to get too attached...it started like a concern because I wasn't in healthy relationships before, but now I can tell the concern also is partly due to the distance...they don't think I should be so attached to someone 5,000 miles away. It's hard for me to figure out whether their concerns are valid anymore because I don't know if they're truly thinking about the health of the relationship, or they're just less confident in the distance.

[Michelle]

I would probably save your proposal for the real ring. I think that will make the ring more special because it would be connected to that memory. Instead of proposing with a “placeholder” ring, how about getting a promise ring for now? It would still be a symbol of your commitment to each other.

[RWhiz]

Not before one year, or after three years is my feeling for my next wife, if there will be a next one. JMO but I agree with Michelle, save and get an actual ring, after at least a year.

[Flautist2000]

The only issue with buying "the real ring" for a proposal is that I have no idea of what she would like. She never wears jewelry, except for one necklace for dressy occasions and a charm bracelet I bought for her. She doesn't even own other jewelry that I can find, except for her mom's engagement ring (which she only has because her mom gave it to her, not because she loves it). She's the kind of person more likely to oooh and aaah at a stationary shop than a jeweler (and how obvious would it be for me to bring her by one and "push" for a response!)

I know she'd love and appreciate anything I got, but I also know some people have strong feelings on some things (like, I hate cluster and illusion-set rings...ex #1 HATED diamonds...etc) and I want her to have a ring that is perfect for her. Because this ring isn't about my personal tastes, it's about her. My thought was that, whenever I decide to do it, I'd then take her shopping to get an idea of what she likes and buy a ring and give it to her during our next visit.

Also, at 35, I'd feel really silly with a "promise" ring. I think "promise" rings are not something I'd do anyway, even as a teen/young adult. The ring I'm thinking about would serve that purpose, basically, by its nature of being a less expensive precursor to the engagement ring, but yeah, if I'm making a commitment to this woman, it's because I definitely intend to marry her.

[Michelle]

I think I would just skip the placeholder ring altogether and just ask her what she likes since that’s really important to you. I think it’s important to have ONE special ring connected to the proposal itself. If you give her a placeholder ring when you propose, she may very well want to keep that ring because it’s special to her and wouldn’t want to shop for a replacement, no matter how cheap the placeholder ring is. Especially if she is a sentimental person and not materialistic.

Also, having been on the receiving end of an engagement ring myself, I would have felt uncomfortable shopping for a ring, seeing the prices, and having to choose how much Frank spent on me. I may have not actually picked the ring I wanted and would have picked a less expensive ring than what Frank chose for me himself. And I probably still would feel guilty walking out of a jewelry store no matter how much I “made” him spend by picking out a specific ring.

If you have already talked about your future together, it wouldn’t be too hard to say, “For when the day comes, I’d really like to get you a ring you’d love. Do you mind giving me a few tips so I’m not totally clueless?” Make sure you know her size, what color metal she likes, diamond shape, does she even like diamonds?, etc... if you can get her to send pictures of rings she likes, that would be a plus and something you could bring to a jeweler. She will be excited you’re even bringing up rings (trust me!), but still able to be surprised when you propose. And it will be 1000x more special to her than ring shopping and bringing dollar signs into the equation.

[Flautist2000]

I'm just trying to balance a true surprise with getting her what she wants. We haven't had any official talks about marriage, just a "slip" on her part when she was very sleepy (yay, time difference) saying something about how I was British "by marriage"...which she then panicked over a bit, because we're at the awkward phase of "still kinda new, but really serious" and I don't think she wants to rush me, knowing how exes #1 and #2 rushed into everything.

I want to truly surprise her. We've talked about future dreams/goals, how we'd *like* to do x, y, or z...but no actual plans or anything. There's no expectation or assumption that this is inevitable. Ex #2 did exactly what you suggested: asked my opinion, asked me to send him pictures of what I liked and what I didn't like, and then he chose the ring. It was a nice choice, but I felt so weird *knowing* it was coming. It wasn't a surprise, there was no anticipation on his part, it just ended up feeling like "here's your ring." Yeah, he technically asked, but because I'd helped pick out the ring, it wasn't exciting, and even kind of disappointing. My BFF felt the same way. That's not how I want to go about this at all.

Well, I mean, I want the "give me ideas/styles and I'll pick the ring" but I don't want it to ruin the surprise.

Though I could ask one of her friends. I don't know them very well, but I'm pretty sure I know which one would be the best option in terms of closeness. But that definitely means waiting until after a year to even start looking, lol.

I wish my BFF wasn't so down on the LDR. I feel like she'd normally give me great advice, but anything I bring up about my seriousness with my SO ends up with her "warning" me not to do something. Which I definitely think is halfway because she doesn't think I'm the kind of person to be able to be happy with a LDR. (Her words). It's concern because she does love me, but that one opinion clouds everything, so I hesitate to ask. *hmph*

[kittyxuchiha11]

I've been with my SO for 8 months and we've already talked about what kind of rings we've like for engagement rings, but also both said we are nowhere near ready to get engaged its just something fun to discuss. I was wondering what she liked and instead of just asking her out right i sent her a ring i liked and asked her opinion on it. Maybe it's easier for me because we're both women, but it was just such a nice casual conversation where i found out she has very different taste in rings than i do and its a good job i asked her.

If you want to keep it a surprise, maybe you could try do something similar but send her a ring you think she'd like and say something like hey i'm thinking of getting my sister/mother/close friend a ring for their birthday, what do you think of this one? try steer the conversation to what she likes and take a note of it. I'm with everyone else on your probably better waiting and getting an actual engagement ring. I had a promise ring with my ex which we got after being together for nearly a year on our first visit and i absolutely loved it and thought it was great. I brought up the idea of a promise ring with my SO and she was really negative about it and said she thought they were only for silly teenagers who couldn't legally get engaged yet and she'd rather just have an engagement ring when the time is right. Honestly, the placeholder or promise ring thing is totally individual and it's better to discuss if she even likes that if you do decide to go for it.

Either way, best of luck

[Michelle]

I want to truly surprise her. We've talked about future dreams/goals, how we'd *like* to do x, y, or z...but no actual plans or anything. There's no expectation or assumption that this is inevitable. Ex #2 did exactly what you suggested: asked my opinion, asked me to send him pictures of what I liked and what I didn't like, and then he chose the ring. It was a nice choice, but I felt so weird *knowing* it was coming. It wasn't a surprise, there was no anticipation on his part, it just ended up feeling like "here's your ring." Yeah, he technically asked, but because I'd helped pick out the ring, it wasn't exciting, and even kind of disappointing. My BFF felt the same way. That's not how I want to go about this at all.

Well, I mean, I want the "give me ideas/styles and I'll pick the ring" but I don't want it to ruin the surprise.

It’s like the saying, “you can’t have your cake and eat it too,” unfortunately; you either give up a little bit of the surprise, or give up on getting the ring perfectly right. You’ll have to decide what’s more important. The placeholder ring idea would just be disappointing. I would rather have a ring totally chosen by Frank without my input than have a temporary “placeholder” given to me when he proposed. I know people do that if they’re in love but poor and get an upgraded ring later on (I’ve heard stories about a paper straw wrapper ring and a gum ball machine engagement ring!), but that’s not the case here it seems.

It sounds like ex #2 did a terrible job proposing, btw. Since it didn’t work out, it was probably a red flag that the proposal wasn’t exciting. Frank asked for my ring preferences well enough in advance, that I was very surprised when he proposed, tears and all. We had been together for 6 years and living together for 9 months when he proposed. Marriage was always the plan and I knew he would eventually propose (he had always said he wanted to do it after we had closed the distance), and I was STILL surprised. Also, even though he had the ring out when he proposed, I didn’t even see it until I had stopped hugging him and had calmed down, haha. The ring didn’t even matter. I cared so much more about what he said to me. The ring itself is just a ring, it’s what the ring symbolizes that’s most important. I’m sure she will love almost any ring you put the effort into choosing for her, if it’s real love and meant to be.

I don’t think asking her friend is the best idea. I know people do that, but you’d be more likely getting a ring the friend really likes, not necessarily your girlfriend’s preferred type of ring. I have gotten jewelry as gifts from friends and I don’t understand why they would think I’d like some of the things they’ve chosen for me! (Shhh). So unless you think you could get the friend to sneakily get answers about rings your girlfriend likes, rather than her choosing what she thinks your girlfriend would like, then I’d skip that idea.

[Rezie]

My damn message disappeared damnit. Have you actually established that you want to get married or was it an abstract "when we get married comment"? I think the first thing is to establish a timeline when to get engaged, married, close the distance. This should be a discussion together. As for the ring. I think majority of time women participate to this decision by going shopping together, showing pictures etc. It would be good to find out what is her preference or then propose without a ring or super cheap one. Could be that she prefers to have you pick it or she wants to do it. The suprise part can be the actual proposal that she doesn't know exact place and time.

could be that this is a cultural difference but an agreement to get married shouldn't be a total suprise since it affects both of you . Unless she has expressed that it's exactly what she wants.

[Flautist2000]

If you want to keep it a surprise, maybe you could try do something similar but send her a ring you think she'd like and say something like hey i'm thinking of getting my sister/mother/close friend a ring for their birthday, what do you think of this one?

Yeah, that's certainly an option, I'd just have to be *really* creative there. She knows me well enough to know I don't really buy jewelry for my family (and that my mom won't wear anything I buy for her...I was complaining about that a few weeks ago when trying to decide on mother's day gifts). My BFF is newly pregnant...I could use that...hmmmmm.

(And even thought we're also two women, I think given our ages [35/44], any conversation which might lean toward ring choices would immediately not be casual...there's the uhaul joke and all that, lol)

I too find promise rings too "young" for my tastes, but that's just me. My first ex and I had matching rings pretty quickly, but we never called it a promise ring...I guess that's what it was, in practice, but again...we were 17/18 at the time, so...maybe that's why I feel like it's for young kids.

Thanks!

[Flautist2000]

I’m sure she will love almost any ring you put the effort into choosing for her, if it’s real love and meant to be.

I don’t think asking her friend is the best idea. ... So unless you think you could get the friend to sneakily get answers about rings your girlfriend likes, rather than her choosing what she thinks your girlfriend would like, then I’d skip that idea.

I know she'd love and appreciate anything I got for her just because I got it for her, but it'd be amazing if she also loved the ring itself! Also, she's *very* much a planner, and accustomed to taking care of every little detail on her own...on the one hand, she'd appreciate having the input. On the other, it'd be a nice change for her to be surprised with something she loves and didn't have to plan.

The BFFs are pretty open to being sneaky, I think. Being 3 gay men, I think they are less likely to give their own opinions. Two of them (including the closest one I'd probably consider asking first) don't seem like the type of guys who'd have any kind of opinion on feminine style jewelry, aside from hating obviously gaudy things, and the third knows that his idea of "pretty" is WAY more sparkly/"girly"/etc than my SO's. And knowing I have social anxiety, even if my SO noticed weird lines of questioning, I don't think she'd immediately assume that I reached out to them...

*sigh*

Now I'm totally thinking about real engagement rings...eeeek! It'll pass, I know it will, I just hyperfocus on things sometimes.

Thanks all!

[Flautist2000]

Have you actually established that you want to get married or was it an abstract "when we get married comment"? I think the first thing is to establish a timeline when to get engaged, married, close the distance. ...The suprise part can be the actual proposal that she doesn't know exact place and time.

could be that this is a cultural difference but an agreement to get married shouldn't be a total suprise since it affects both of you . Unless she has expressed that it's exactly what she wants.

We have both expressed, in various ways, that we would be very happy spending our futures together, she looks forward to being a positive influence in my daughter's life, and even though time is somewhat against us due to our ages and the difficulty of transatlantic moves, we'd like to have a child together. However, between the two of us, she has more money (not by too much, but she does) and is generally more "in control" and, for lack of a better word, "dominant." I think she might assume that she's going to be the one to propose to me...and I want to surprise and spoil her. If I give away too much in advance, she's the kind of person to say "oh, you don't have to do that...don't spend the money on a ring, you don't have to. Well, I've been married twice, and I've never *wanted* to propose to someone like this before. I don't *have* to do anything...I *want* to. And no, I'm not spending 2 month's salary on a ring, because we'd both rather spend that money on useful things like plane tickets or immigration fees, but she deserves something really nice, and she deserves a surprise where she knows that it's all just for her.

I'm such a perfectionist! Ggaaaahhh!

[hmrambling]

You might want to read this: https://members.lovingfromadistance....nd-have-a-plan

Short version: we had talked about the future, committed to a future together even though she does not believe in traditional marriage. I figured it would be a great idea to propose to her because we were planning a future together and had even discussed marriage. So I proposed at the Grand Canyon with an antique art deco ring. She was completely taken back and hurt that she had zero part in planning the engagement. We're still together and she still doesn't like the concept of traditional proposals and marriage. We both were kind of hurt and let down by the proposal and outcome of the proposal.

I suggest to you that you find out what her ideal proposal looks like, whether she wants to play a part in the proposal, and what role she wants to play in the proposal. Not everyone wants a surprise or a traditional proposal. Save yourself some heartache and upset by finding out.

To this day, I am hurt inside when she talks about someone she knows announcing their engagement and she is happy for them because I know that's not how it went for me. I still reason with myself that we had talked about our future together, marriage, weddings, etc. Apparently she was talking about an ideal that is suited for other people, which she personally rejects.