Post-visit depression, hopelessness. Any help or advice is needed. Please

[babywontyoucomemyway]

I just had a week-long trip with my long distance boyfriend after being apart for 10 months. I don't know when I'll ever get to see him again and I don't know if I can handle another 10 months without him, maybe even more. I am 14 hrs ahead of him, and plane tickets are very expensive so it's not as simple to just plan a visit.

I am so depressed to the point that I just want to end my life. My boyfriend is the only good thing going for me, and I looked forward to that trip for so long. Counting down to the days when I would see him again is what kept me going. It made me happy. But now that it's done, I'm spiraling downwards harder than before and the future has never looked so dark and uncertain.

What makes it harder is that my boyfriend is the kind of guy who likes to keep busy. He barely checks his phone. And I understand and respect that. When I'm with him, we both do so many activities together the way he normally does, and I can see why he barely has time for his phone.

However, now that I'm back to my old, dull life, I have plenty of time for my phone again. It's not as easy to do activities here where I'm from. I have overprotective parents and every move I make is monitored and supervised. It's not as easy to just simply "distract myself".

I miss him so, so much and all I want is to be able to talk to him. But I know that he won't be on his phone, and I don't wanna impose on him that he needs to make time for me just because I'm being all emotional. I know people will say that I should talk to him about it, that he would understand and that if he really loves me, he'll make time for me. But I don't want to hold him back like that or feel like a burden. I want him to keep living his life and be happy. Just.. I don't know what to do with myself. I feel so trapped, stuck, and alone. And I hate how.. s**cide seems like the only answer.

I would appreciate any help or advice. Or really just someone to talk to. Maybe someone going through the same thing. I'm desperate. Please.

[Michelle]

I am so sorry you are having a difficult time coping with the distance and missing your boyfriend. If you are having suicidal thoughts, please seek professional help. I’m not sure where you are from, but you can call also call/live chat your national suicide hotline if you need someone to talk to. Here’s a link to the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline (USA): https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/. You’re always welcome to post here, but know that none of us are professionals, and this goes beyond the scope of what myself and fellow LFAD members can help with. On behalf of everyone here, we care about you and are glad that you reached out for help.

[differentcountries]

Hi,

The first time I left my boyfriend after a visit, I was super disturbed and I thought I was going to have a heart attack crying in the middle of the airport. I had not felt anything as deep a grief as that since I was a child and my parents relocated us from the north to the south. I just felt like a body part was missing, and this anger that people around me were going on with their regular lives while I felt like my life was falling apart. I also did not know when I could see him again. I hardly had money at the time for the visit I did have. It was very hard. But life went on. Later on, even after having dated for years, the time we were apart for 6 months was super hard. And life went on.

You will handle life without him. Remember, he is important in your life, but not all of your life. If, one day in the future, you are living together, you still need other things in you life. Take care of those things.

My man too likes to keep busy, he also works a lot because it is the culture there. But you want a close connection to feel close to him. There are two ways to approach this. You can get busy yourself, or ask him to set aside time, or moments, to talk to you. Perhaps a combination of both? Pining by the phone/computer is not good. But you need to be in touch, escpecially when you have long stretches between visits. Perhaps sit down and talk to him about this.

Also, post visit depression is not the same in everyone. With me, I tend to cry and feel very vounerable. With my man, he gets very cold, or what I call "having man tears", he basically shuts up inside himself to self protect. I felt a lot safer in the relationship when I understood that he does this BECAUSE he feels vounerable. It is not that he is shutting me out, it is that he is protecting himself from falling apart. He also gets very strange on the day before I come and the day before I leave, and sometime he actually throws up from nervousness (for some reason, that's the cutest thing I have heard. I have only thrown up from nervousness once in my life and I was very young). I want to talk about my feelings, he wants to forget that he has feelings. But the experience of vounerability is the same, even with diferent expressions of it. So we have to find a way to talk about it/socialize that make us both feel comfortable doing that. For us, one way of doing that, is that we fantasize together about giving each other a hug. That is very soothing for me because touch is my love language, and it is soothing for him to imagine a way of being close to me without having to share details of his feelings. Also, we just text, never Skype the first days - but we may send each other very sad pics of the other person looking miserable and writing "I miss you" underneath. That makes us feel that we are not alone, but actually together even in the pain we are experiencing. That is how we do it. Other couples have other ways.

Since having something to look forward is so important to you, and it may take you 6-10 months to save up for the ticket, I suggest you pick a date 10 moths from now and use that as a suggestion date. You may set up a savings account, and put money in there every week or month.

You can also go here for tips on how to become more frugal and save money that can be used towards tickets and other expenses on the trip. I have become super frugal myself, my tickets to him are not super expensive but I often have to pay hotel too (he lives in a sort of dorm and I usually cant go there) plus I need to take time off from work (that's why I am going just for one week and not longer this summer).

I think some of your feeling come from not only having to endure the distance, but you not being happy about your living arrangements. It sounds like you live at home and that your parents control your life outside work. Perhaps it would be good to look into how you can change that, or change something inside yourself as well. There can be activeties as well as therapy found online.

Post visit depression is a way of life of long distance relationships. They hit you really hard, but they are "fake" - what it really is that you are grieving that fact that you cant be together pysically. Which was also true before the visit, but you have now a fresh memory of what life phsyically together was like and could be. So that pain can be very strong for a while, and then it should fade. It is normally like a small, reactive depression, until you settle into the rythm of being apart and planning visits.

If one day you are moving to him, or him to you, or you somewhere else together, you need to take control over your life, financially and emotionally. You need to tap into that strenght. Do what you can. You can come here every day for support and we will give it to you. Find out what you can do, practically, to work towards your goals. See a proffessional if you need help to clear your head. And come here. We know what you are going through. We live in the same reality.

[babywontyoucomemyway]

Thank you so much for this. You have no idea how much your post helped me, it actually made me tear up a bit. Knowing that someone has gone through this exact same thing and was able to get through it, gives me hope.

Indeed, I've never felt sadness as strong as this. At the airport on my way to my flight home, I came across the exact arrival gate where my boyfriend greeted me when I first arrived. I just kept replaying the moments in my head, when my eyes scanned the crowd and found him, and when he came up to me and hugged me so tight after being apart for so long. I just stared at that arrival gate, trying desperately to hold back the tears and stop my body from shaking. I just looked around at all the people who went about on their way, smiling as they arrived at their destination and their trip was just about to begin. I wondered how everyone else could be perfectly happy and okay, while I could barely keep myself from falling apart.

No one should ever have to experience that much pain. And as much as it comforts me to know that I'm not alone in this, it also scares me that other people have been through this much sadness and agony.

For the communication part, it is especially hard for my boyfriend to stay in touch with me, and I know that's one of our biggest problems. I'm the kind of person who likes to constantly text and know how the other person's day has been. He, on the other hand, barely touches his phone at all. Over the past 10 months, I've gotten used to him not texting often. I'm happy when he finally finds time to text me, but otherwise I'm okay if he's too busy to talk. Back then, he was busy with school and we would only call around once every 3 weeks. I got used to it. It's far from what I wanted, but I had to compromise for him.

Right now, however... I just got used to being with him 24/7 for over a week. Going from being with someone all the time to just.. zero communication is a very hard transition. He is still on the trip so I know he will be busy visiting relatives whom he hasn't seen in years. I don't think it's my place to ask him to go out of his way just to text me and comfort me whenever I'm missing him. And the saddest part is I don't even think he misses me back, because he's still too busy with his trip.

All I want is for him to just talk to me a bit more, just to make the transition a little easier. I tried asking him if it would be possible to talk just a bit more, but he simply gave me a vague answer. Another part is, I may have scared him with the whole s**cide thing. I told him about how hopeless my future seems, how that trip was the only thing I looked forward to and now that it's done, I have nothing left going for me. I won't be able to see him for a year or two, at the very least, considering I have no idea where I'll get money for an expensive plane ticket. He won't be able to come to me either, because he can't travel anymore until he finishes his degree. We had a lengthy call the other day, with him trying to talk some sense into me, to stop me from being so.. s**cidal. He kept telling me he loved me and that he cared for me, and I could feel his sincerity. I could tell I was giving him so much stress. Funnily enough, he gave me the same advice you did.

You were right about me not being happy with my living arrangements. This is actually one of the biggest causes of my depression. And his advice for me was that I should work out a way to open up to my parents and tell them how I really feel. And then, I gotta work on ways to improve myself, instead of moping around and blaming my sadness on other things and people. He stayed up until 4am convincing me that life is still worth living and that there are so many people supporting me and just waiting for me to start supporting myself. I think I came out of that call as a new person, and the next day, I was determined to make a change. I still can't help but feel depressed sometimes, but I do my best to fight it. Just.. it would be so much easier if he would just talk to me. Every small text he sends goes a long way in making me happy.

He hasn't contacted me again since that call, though. It's been 2 days and I keep telling myself he's just probably busy. But I can't help thinking I may have scared him away. He's never seen my dark side that bad, and it was such a stressful time for him too since he just came back from visiting his grandmother's grave. I've seen him have breakdowns over missing his grandmother's funeral. So that, plus the news of me almost attempting to end my life, was probably the worst combination. I feel so bad for causing him so much stress. Yesterday, I texted him something that I thought would cheer him up, but he hasn't opened my messages even though it says he's been online. It almost feels like he's avoiding me. I wish he would text me so I would feel better, and at the same time so I know everything's okay with him and I didn't scare him away. I don't know what to do anymore.

Damn, I'm so sorry for this lengthy reply. I got super carried away. It feels really nice to have an outlet that I can just vent all my thoughts and worries to. I can feel my friends getting tired of me just being sad all the time, it's embarrassing. At least through the anonymity of the internet, I don't have to be afraid of people judging me. In this community, everyone just tries to support each other in every way that they can. It's inspiring. I wish I can get my life together so that someday, I can help someone the way you have helped me.

Thank you again. ♡