Constant Guilt

[gabuchan]

Hello everyone,

I was wondering if anyone can give me advice, or at least relate to how I am feeling. I am currently in an amazing relationship with an amazing guy. I love him so much! We have such a good connection and although he lies in Japan and I in Canada, I am confident we will be able to make it work. That is, if it weren't for the guilt...

I have been dealing with anxiety but in particular unwanted and inappropriate guilt for many years. I go to see a therapist about it and it does help, but some days are better than others. I started when I was in Junior High and was severely bullied, I felt like it was somehow my fault and I deserved it. Fast forward a few years when I had been in an abusive relationship, I had believed all the mean accusations my boyfriend told me, and felt constant guilt for months. Now that I am in a happy relationship, it's hard for me to feel like I deserve him or to have love at all.

It has gotten so bad that I feel guilty and beat myself up when I even find another man attractive, or have an innocent conversation with a cute stranger. For example, I had a mutual friend who I thought was mildly attractive and ended up coming across his page on Instagram. I messaged him in response to a funny video he posted, and we ended up chatting for a few minutes, very light and casual conversation. I didn't talk to him for weeks but he messaged me again, just responding to something I had posted, and he asked me how I was doing. I was washed with guilt and shame that I had even initiated a conversation with someone I thought was cute to begin with. My brain was on fire, asking so many questions. "Why would you message him?" "Was your intent to cheat on your boyfriend?" I know I love my boyfriend, and this random guy has nothing to do with my life. I have never even thought of him before, we literally chatted for a few short minutes twice.

Has anyone felt such strong guilt and shame over small events? I even talked to my boyfriend about this and he wasn't mad and even admitted that he has had conversations with women he has come into contact with that he happens to find attractive. So why do I still feel horrible about this? Can anyone help.... there have been times where I have been on the verge of breaking up with him because I felt so badly about myself. I don't believe him when he tells me he loves me or that he is lucky to have me, and I feel guilty when I hear stories of people cheating on their boyfriends. I don't even like to go out anymore in fear that I will find someone attractive and/or talk to that person.

I need help

[Atlantic Crossroads]

I get where you're coming from with this to an extent. I am not an overly social person to begin with, so that causes me issues anyway. At the moment in my real life, I have only one person who is my friend, who is male. I talk to a lot of other people online (mainly males), but very few people at all one-on-one. I also know quite a few people from groups I go to, but again I am not sure if I would call any of them friends, and they are all females.
What I have found myself doing since being with my SO is not looking guys in the face, unless I deem it to be necessary. So, I would look at a bus driver, but not at a guy passing me in the street. It varies for me how much I will avoid their eyes entirely from one day to another, even though I know I won't start chatting with them or anything at all. But I think in my case, it was from getting unwanted attention from guys in the past, and so it has coloured my approach to others.
I do occasionally notice a guy who I would define as attractive in some way or other, but that's not a crime. Unless you walk around with your eyes shut all the time (please don't, that's very dangerous ), you will see people you think are attractive, but you will also see plenty of others that you don't find attractive. It's all part of being human, I'm afraid. There isn't much you can really do about it.
But I think you need to decide in your own mind what you think is acceptable for you when you are with a guy. As somebody on this forum once said, if you don't think your SO would feel comfortable watching whatever you were doing, don't do it.
I actually didn't tell my SO for a while about my (then) two male friends that I had, simply because it had caused me issues in the past with other partners. I now know that I can tell my SO anything at all, and that has lessened my anxiety a lot. There were many times in the first few months where my anxiety would tell me not to tell him x,y, or z because he would get upset about it. But in time, I told him anyway. And do you know what? The anxiety was lying to me the whole time! It just wanted to make me miserable, and isolated. Don't let it win!

[Littlewhiteflower]

I think you overthink a little bit too much which is due to anxiety. I used to do the same and still do it occassionally. I've learned to control these thoughts though.

Attraction is something that is mostly hormonal. Your body releases hormones when you see something nice and then it can create attraction. It is not something you can control. What you can control is the way you deal with this attraction. If you start flirting with the cute guy while you are in a committed relationship, you are going too far and you are right to feel guilt or shame. But since what you are doing is purely feeling attracted to someone and having a platonic conversation that has nothing to do with flirt, i don't think you should feel weird about it.

You are allowed to have fun, to be happy, to live your life. Don't feel guilty for trying to make friends. It is not because he is a male that it means you can't be friends together. life is too short to worry about things like that. Try to repeat it to yourself when you doubt.