advice

[rose22]

Hi everyone.

me and my boyfriend live in different countries. We are hoping to get married so we can finally be together. I am currently living with him (for past 5 months). I love him so much and i swear we have the best relationship. I have always had trust issues but with him all of that went away. he made sure i had his trust always in any way possible. i have never not trusted him even being in other countries. I know he loves me so much, he appreciates everything and shows me all his love. I also know there are some cultural differences we struggle with. We went from never seeing each other to spending every second together so i can understand when he needs his space. i give him plenty of times to go out drinking with friends. no rules no curfew no questions because i trust him. however, the last few weekends when he was supposed to be going to school, he lied and went out with friends. the problem is not that he went out but why did he lie?? he specifically made plans and then ditched school to hang out all day and all night without me. i know he lied but he thinks he got away with it. i’m not sure what to do?? everyone i have to talk to will say leave him but i feel like that is dramatic. When i confront him when he is in the wrong he gets defensive and always turns it around on me and makes it my fault. i would rather just stay happy and in love but i also don’t want him to think he is getting away with lying. what should i do?? i need help and advice. my mind is jumping to all worst possible conclusions. did he cheat? why doesn’t he want me to go? has he lied about other things ? i think he will end this for accusing him...but i know for a fact he lied so i don’t know what to do. part of me wants to pack my bags and hop on the next plane leaving a note asking why i deserve to be lied to? but i know he will be fine with me. for as much as he loves me he doesn’t seem to have as hard of a time as i do with separating. (maybe just wants to seem manly) when i say all these things i make him seem bad but he’s perfect. why is he lying all of a sudden??

[Harlequin]

First:
"When i confront him when he is in the wrong he gets defensive and always turns it around on me and makes it my fault."
Til death do us part is a LONG time to deal with this sort of behavior. I promise, you will not want to deal with that for the rest of your life. He has zero sense of accountability, and that isn't going to change. The only way you'll be able to "stay happy and in love" is to accept that he lied, that he will never be wrong, and you can't confront him on anything. Basically, the relationship will be on his terms, unless you want to be turned into the villain. Relationships shouldn't work that way, ESPECIALLY if you're considering marrying him. Love can make you blind to a lot of things, but time will always prevail and the true nature of things will come to light. There are only so many things that can be blamed on cultural differences. Keep this in mind. Do you REALLY think you could deal with that for the next 60+ years?

As for his lying, he most likely has lied to you before. Whether it's small things, or big things like skipping school to hang out with friends. You just happened to catch him this time, and from your post, you know exactly what's going to happen when you confront him about it. I personally would still confront him about it, and then if he ends the relationship, fine. That would be an incredibly stupid thing to end a relationship over, but the alternative is that he breaks up with you as an attempt to use the relationship as a weapon. Things don't go his way, then suddenly the relationship isn't working out until you cave and no longer hold him accountable. If you confront him and he simply won't talk about it, I would end things. I would never want to spend the rest of my life with someone who refuses to be held accountable for his own actions.
...honestly, I just wouldn't marry this guy at all. You can do better than this. Even if you're perfect in every other sense, this is a big dealbreaker. How can you possibly trust him again?

[lelyta]

When i confront him when he is in the wrong he gets defensive and always turns it around on me and makes it my fault

Please check the term of gaslighting on Google, and please if you found that any of his behavior indicates this, run!

[kittyo9]

You definitely don't deserve to be lied to, that's for sure. I know we only have what you've told us to go on, but I am afraid that things will not improve for you and you will always have a tiny fear in the back of your mind that he's lying to you about something. Regaining trust in someone is really hard, especially when it's someone with whom you are emotionally vulnerable.

It is easy to want to make excuses for a person's behavior when you feel like you've invested in the relationship. You want to see all the good things and gloss over the bad things. I know I did when my last relationship was ending.

I'd say you need to have a long discussion with him and figure out ways to work with each other to make the relationship mutually respectful, including not lying to one another, but it sounds like he is not interested in working on it. That's not really healthy and indicates a lack of long-term relationship skills. It takes two to make a relationship work, you know?

[rose22]

Hi! thanks for the response. i know that i said like everything negative in one post so he sounds awful. i am crazy and know that he is usually telling the truth. we have not talked about it but he knows i know he lied. we keep like making little hints and remarks. i don’t want this to be a cycle and i do not want this to continue obviously. however we have had such a great relationship and everything else is so great i feel like i can’t throw it all away for this one mistake.

[Harlequin]

If you let him get away with it, then it's just going to keep happening. You're teaching him that it's okay to lie to you, because the worst that will happen is passive aggressive remarks, and he won't actually be held accountable for his lies. If you try to confront him, he'll gaslight you, as you yourself stated in your first post. Nothing about that is healthy, nor will it facilitate a healthy, strong relationship going forward. You will never break the cycle as long as you continue to let him lie and get away with it, or he continues to gaslight you. This will keep happening. It has happened enough that you know he'll do it. What makes you think the cycle will stop?

[lelyta]

however we have had such a great relationship and everything else is so great i feel like i can’t throw it all away for this one mistake.

I personally want to understand your situation more, can you elaborate how do you think you have had such great relationship so far? What kind of situation implies that?

[rose22]

We met coincidentally through a mutual friend. At first I thought we were so different and I am
so quiet, I wasn’t sure that having an outgoing guy would be good for me. It turns out we have grown so much together and to me that indicates the value and importance of our relationship. Even being so far away, we manage to be strong and still feel so in love. Our differing qualities have helped us both become better people. I learn something new every day from him. I have helped him work towards finishing his degree ( something he was giving up on). Although my original post describes him skipping class, I witness him studying everyday and really grasping his materials. Something he never thought he could do. I have come out of my shell and learned to love myself and appreciate my insecurities through his love and support. We recently just started a new health journey together, creating goals and pushing each other.

I can understand what everyone is suggesting. I had the same thoughts (hence the post). I also just think after so much hard work to get to our happy and strong relationship, I feel like this could be minor. If i face it and we discuss it.

[lelyta]

I think it's best for you to bring out the topic to him the way you've talked about it in this forum... This is still something important to talk to and see his reaction. Please don't be afraid to discuss it to your partner especially if you believe your relationship is strong! Good luck!

[remadawson]

it is ok, you will need to meet one day