Husband living with a female roommate

[Karz]

Hi Kraz, I was reading through the thread and one thing puzzled me. If he is between jobs, and money is tight to keep a place for himself, why doesn't he come over to stay with you? Wouldn't that be a good opportunity to live back together? Find a job where you are? Why stay apart if the original reason for moving apart no longer exists? Probably there are practice reasons why it is the way it is. For the rest I think you are completely right. I would be concerned in the same situation if my SO would bunk up with a guy. He should take your feelings and concerns into consideration. As Atlantic Crossing wrote, it's about respect. Hope you can work it out with him. DJ

Hi DJ, thanks. We are in different countries at the moment. Had to leave US and move back to home country due to visa issues. Covid-19 has led to halting of immigration process so out goes my spouse visa application for now.

It's great to find a community here though in these times of uncertainty. Makes my troubles feel trivial compared to others, it's quite humbling.

[Atlantic Crossroads]

Having read through all these additional comments, alarm bells are going off for me.
1) He doesn't believe men and women can just be friends, and ignores anything that disproves it.
2) Then he gets a roommate despite saying that he'd never do it again.
3) Just to rub salt in the wound, he gets a female roommate (who by his previous insistence, he can't just be friends with because she's not male)
4) and signs a lease with her (which he's never done before)
5) He then blames you for his choices, claiming it's what you told him to do!
6) He's ok with making you wait around for him whilst he spends quality time with his roommate.
7) That you had to defend your relationships with guys because of his insistence that something must be going on cos they're male.

Honestly, I'd be saying hell no to all of that. At the worst he's abusive. At best, he's insecure, insensitive, paranoid, childish, and disrespectful.

I know that probably sounds very harsh, but I see first hand the multitude of different behaviours exhibited by people who are abusive, and there are often similar patterns and motives for the behaviour, and it certainly isn't driven by love or respect.

I hope sincerely that I am utterly wrong, and wish you the best possible outcome.

[TaraMarie]

My husband had a woman rent a room in his house for a short period of time. I wasn't happy with it, but it was strictly platonic, and I knew how he felt about her when it started. In this case, they never saw each other because of crazy work schedules and she rarely came out of her room. Actually, I only met her once the entire time she lived there. However, I can tell you I was NOT happy about it at all. And of they had decided to sign a lease together it would have been over. That's a commitment.

I know he doesn't have a visa right now and the Covid-19 thing is causing a huge issue, but suppose everything rights itself in 4-5 months....he's stuck there, in a lease, for a year. And you're still apart. I would definitely have an issue ☹️

[vivid_idea]

Hi there, I hope you are doing ok.

I mentioned earlier that my SO recently got a new roomie. He now lives with 3 women. I am not the most secure of ladies out there and it really was very challenging for me to accept. However, I feel totally ok with it now and I'll explain why that is because I notice some differences in how my guy handled the situation.

Firstly, he was upfront with me about it and told me exactly how it is. He told me he would prefer to find another man but it just so happens that everyone is happy with the new girl. The point is, he included me and asked me how I felt about it and he listened to me. Your SO doesn't appear to have done any of this. He has just gone ahead and made a big decision without including you.

Secondly, my SO has proven to me that his relationships with all of his 3 roomies is very respectful and platonic. He always tells me what is happening, daily, and the time we spend together hasn't changed. Even though he spends some time with his roomies, he still makes me feel like I am a priority. Your SO has made this big decision without you and now he is spending less time with you. He even told you how he thinks that men and women can't be friends. That really is not ok, and you have every reason to be upset and concerned.

My point is, I don't think the issue has to be that he has a female roommate, the issue is how he is handling the situation. Which will likely ruin your relationship entirely if he doesn't try to communicate with you better.

I am wondering how everything is going? If I was you I would be requesting to have a talk about the current state of your relationship. Use it as an opportunity to express your needs. If he can't grasp your point of view then it might be best to take a break and work out how you both feel about each other.

Wishing you all the best!

[Rezie]

With the additional information, the problem is not having a female roomate that he is hanging out with.
The problem is that he is ghosting you to spend time with her. There are double standards if he doesn't believe you can have opposite sex friendships. I do still think it is unreasonable to expect him not to spend time with her (I don't think this is an introvert/extrovert issue) but he shoulend't be spending time with her instead of you especially since he doesn't beeive he could ever be friends with a woman. Also, this unilateral decision making is a bit worrying.

Talk to him. Ask him about beig friends with women and why he has changed his mins. Also make an agreement that he shows up on the dates and the friend cannot be the reason to cancel. Also talk about how this makes you feel and why he felt the need to change his mind about roomate without talking with you. There is something going on with him (not necessarily with the roomate)

[Karz]

Honestly, I'd be saying hell no to all of that. At the worst he's abusive. At best, he's insecure, insensitive, paranoid, childish, and disrespectful.

I know that probably sounds very harsh, but I see first hand the multitude of different behaviours exhibited by people who are abusive, and there are often similar patterns and motives for the behaviour, and it certainly isn't driven by love or respect.

I hope sincerely that I am utterly wrong, and wish you the best possible outcome.

Thank you This sticks. I am guessing its just the distance and overall stress and so I would like to give him the benefit of doubt. That is not to say I didn't arrive on similar conclusions on several occasions ever since we have been apart, and we have been living apart for almost 4 years by now.

[Karz]

My husband had a woman rent a room in his house for a short period of time. I wasn't happy with it, but it was strictly platonic, and I knew how he felt about her when it started. In this case, they never saw each other because of crazy work schedules and she rarely came out of her room. Actually, I only met her once the entire time she lived there. However, I can tell you I was NOT happy about it at all. And of they had decided to sign a lease together it would have been over. That's a commitment.

I know he doesn't have a visa right now and the Covid-19 thing is causing a huge issue, but suppose everything rights itself in 4-5 months....he's stuck there, in a lease, for a year. And you're still apart. I would definitely have an issue ☹️

I feel better to know I am not crazy to lose my mind over something so simple. He is not compromising on our time anymore so that's a plus. When things go great for long distance standards, something happens and its usually me who loses cool. Like we usually talk once a day over a video call and he sometimes hangs out in the living room or kitchen and the roommate randomly interrupts and talks to him. I get mad. He gets mad at me for allowing other people to get to me. Or the couple of times when we were video chatting and I saw the roommate in her towel and flipped out... is that normal... like I know I come from more conservative culture being from an asian country and all and those 2 are in the US and I wonder if this is acceptable. From what I gathered from few friends is that its not acceptable behaviour . When a couple of my friends were staying with people with opposite gender they'd be extra careful they said about minor things like these just to avoid any awkwardness. Anyway so yeah those handful of times I flipped out and got angry and he blamed me for my own anger. Then I got angrier. And now it has become a cycle. We fight, we make up. Also I don't feel like my usual self, I'm usually more tolerant. It's been weird.

[Karz]

My point is, I don't think the issue has to be that he has a female roommate, the issue is how he is handling the situation. Which will likely ruin your relationship entirely if he doesn't try to communicate with you better.

I am wondering how everything is going? If I was you I would be requesting to have a talk about the current state of your relationship. Use it as an opportunity to express your needs. If he can't grasp your point of view then it might be best to take a break and work out how you both feel about each other.

Wishing you all the best!

Yeah exactly. He just didn't deem it important enough to involve me from the get go is what bothered me the most, initially. But then the way he was handling it all and getting all defensive made it worse. Of course I am equally at fault as these days I have tendency to lose my cool over silliest of things. At the heat of the moment it feels justified like I am not over the fact at the way things transpired. But when I am calmer its like God I have wasted so much energy being angry and upset for no reason. My visa stuff is picking up so yay. Thank you.

[Karz]

Yeah you're right... He has changed quite a lot in those terms and continues to make efforts to spend time with me. I have been vocal about how I feel and how I might have reacted if I felt involved in the decision making from the beginning and also if he had handled the subsequent situations differently. Sometimes he listens, sometimes he lashes out at me saying its the same thing over and over. But we are hanging in there.

The thing is we are so close to getting my visa done, all we need is to show that we are financially stable and set up interviews. So if things were done differently I'd have been the happiest to come to know he has a roommate-doesn't matter what gender they belong to, ultimately it helps us, financially. I just don't seem to be able to get over few things and he doesn't seem to wanna hear the same sob stories again.

And you're right about spending time with the roommate. Honestly I don't think I'd have cared and I am only basing it on few other things that happened before where he allowed his female friends to crash on the couch temporarily and it made no difference to me. Its just, to this date I feel like he didn't handle it all properly which is probably why in turn I am like blah blah that girl blah blah even though her presence is not the core issue. He continues to get defensive and I continue to lash out when some things irk me. Anyway we are both making efforts to see each other and keep cool when we see each other. And working towards getting that visa.

[Karz]

Thank you to everyone who replied. I would keep coming back here every now and then to get perspective but not reply. Today just felt like a good day to reply back and give an update as my thoughts are not as skewed.

[MsGrim]

Thank you to everyone who replied. I would keep coming back here every now and then to get perspective but not reply. Today just felt like a good day to reply back and give an update as my thoughts are not as skewed.

I hope you are doing well!!

[vivid_idea]

Thanks for the updates. It sounds like things are doing better for you. Happy to hear it!