When worry gets the worse of you...

[Aligned_Stars]

yesterday... yesterday was a hard day....

but the day before that was even harder... im such a jealous girlfriend... i dont know how to handle things like this...
it makes me so sad and angry. im so angry im feeling this and im so sad because i keep confusing my girlfriend since i dont know how to explain these things to her... and she doesnt like talking about these things at all...
so two days ago, the topic of marriage was brought up and a while back when we were starting out, she said she wants to get marry in the future... i on the other hand didnt want to because of what my family said to me.. how nobody would ever want me... fast forward to two days ago we got into a small fight, she bought up that i didnt want to get married and i told her thoughts are changing. and i would love to get married to her but you cant just expect years of verbal abuse is going to go away..

so then yesterday... things got shaky... i couldnt stop thinking about what we talked about the night before... and i did the most stupidest thing, i told her i didnt know what to talk about and she didnt seem like she wanted to talk

it was me though... i keep worrying.... she was feeling alright... her day was already pretty rough and i made it even more rough. and i cant forgive myself for that. i wanted to get comforted because i got to scared that she would leave me since she got so many other people to talk to. i got jealous and scared and i over thought

everything was my fault and i made her sad
i want to know if everything is okay, i want to make her happy but i screwed up so bad
i want to talk to her and know that everything is okay... but she isnt the type of person to want to talk about things like this and get stuff sorted out

i dont want to lose her, i love her so much
its so bittersweet, i want to talk to her but everything is limited to short answers
and i think shes doing that to spite me.... i dont like that at all, it hurts me so much
im so sad right now, i dont know what to do

she still returned "i love you"s but it hurts so much knowing i hurt her and i accept that
this happened all because of me, i feel terrible
i want to stay with her until life do we part...

i wanted to ramble because im honestly feeling so lost right now..

[MissingMyDutchLove]

I know that this is not what you're looking for with your post, but hang with me for a moment. You are still so incredibly young, and you haven't been with your SO that long. It's okay to not know if you want to get married, especially with your past. You're SO should understand that sometimes people need time to adjust to new ideas that they were told would never happen. Your teenage years are made for growing and changing and learning. You will continue to do that, and that's a great thing! If your SO can't understand that, that is a problem because you will change every year from now until you die.

[kittyxuchiha11]

You really don't need to be so negative on yourself, i know you didn't want to hurt her and yes when you hurt someone you love it does suck but i don't think you hurt her as much as you think you did. if you feel like you really need to talk about things and she isn't one to talk then if you really had to say you're sorry for fighting with her and upsetting her but your thoughts should matter to her and are completely valid. I think you'd know if she was really upset with you, she'd ignore you or refuse to talk to you if you had upset her that badly. keep your chin up friend, life's too short to be upset over fights and problems that have solutions :3

[hmrambling]

Lately we've been getting into fights about small foolish things... It's complicated on both ends because we don't usually talk voice to voice or face to face, it's mostly just texting. But, I'm working on building my confidence to initiate more screen time with her.

I encourage you to talk on the phone if possible. Your relationship sounds volatile. It sounds like you guys have argued since the beginning.

You haven't been together that long to be discussing marriage. I'm much older and have been with my partner for almost 9 months and we don't talk about marrying.

Be patient with yourself and trust your intuition. Marriage is a big deal and isn't to be rushed into.

At 18, I definitely wasn't ready for marriage. I had a lot to learn about life. I still haven't been married, even though I have been in some long term relationships.

Arguing via text isn't going to help the situation. Staying in a relationship where you argue all the time is taxing emotionally. You're young and have your whole life ahead of you. Focus on your interests, hobbies, school, work, and your friends. Don't have any of those things? Get some or all of those things.

Texting isn't the answer. Talk if possible and have a real conversation.