New here - anxiety over silence

[mustlovedogs]

My girlfriend and I used to live together, but she moved in with her mom to get her life back in order. I won't shed the details right now, but she has been making great strides in staying the right path.

Last week her beloved pup passed away. He was with her. Since Sunday I have not had any communication from her. We normally talk several times a day, every single day without fail. She and I have been apart for a little over a month. We were making plans to get a new house together and move to a different state. I had been prepping the house for it to go on the market.

Last I heard from her was an email saying that she was having a very hard time without her boy, and that she was emotionally exhausted and drained physically. She asked for space so that she could mourn. I supported her in her request, and only have sent her morning and good night emails to tell her I'm thinking of her. I always say that she need not reply if she isn't up to it.

Honestly it's been hard. It was heartbreaking to have to see her move but it was necessary. My heart aches now. I dare not call her because I don't want to enfringe. Her silence is unsettling. I miss her badly.

How do I cope? What should I do? I feel lost. I keep myself busy working on the house, but my heart just feels broken. I hurt for her pain and for the pain of being apart.

Thank you for the advice

[Elizabeth123]

First Welcome to LFAD!
I'm sorry for the loss of your gf's pup. They are truly family.
Is there a close friend who could send a message for you or check in on her? Instead of sending a message with permission to "not reply"...let her know you need to communicate with her. Each person grieves differently but from the little you share it seems reasonable to at least text.

[mustlovedogs]

One thing I have learned from her, is that when she asks to have some space, she is very serious about it. We have that understanding. She told me once before that when her pup eventually passed (he has been sick for a while) that she would want to distance herself from me, to avoid being angry and maybe spout of mean things to me. I may wait a few more days and then text her mom. I am just at that odd point where I want to make sure she is okay yet not cross a boundary that she has asked to have, but I miss the hell out of her and want to hear her voice. I just would hate to seem selfish in a time of her mourning. The last communication was on Sunday when she thanked me for understanding.

[R&R]

Two big parts of a relationship are respect and understanding. She warned you ahead of time, which is good because she didn't just fall of the face off the earth without warning. She also gave you an explination of why she needed the distance during this time. As tough as it is for you, this isn't about you, it's about her. Your job is to sit back and let her have her time while she grieves. I'm sure she'll get back to you, but I would give her at least a full week at a bare minimum before you try to step back in.

[mustlovedogs]

Thank you for your honest words. You're right, it is not about me. I remind myself each time I feel this loniliness. The time frame you gave is what I was thinking as well. Now honest question... Should I not drop her quick emails just to say hello? She has always feared that I would fall out of love and move on, with the distance we have from one another. I don't want her to worry.
Thank you again!

[mustlovedogs]

After a few days I cut back on dropping the hello emails. I added on each one to not reply if she wasnt up to it, and that I understood. I do and yep still hard to not hear her voice. I want her to still do what she needs to do.

It's been nearly a week, but I'm still holding on to giving her room and making sure that she knows that she isn't alone, and to not feel pressured to contact me.

I shipped her a care package on Monday from Amazon (her computer broke), and I only contacted her mom, once it was delivered to make sure that it was safe. I also added that I didn't want to call and bother her about it, because of the boundaries. Her mom told me that the gift would cheer her up, and that she was doing as best she could.

We have been making plans for me to sell my house (been needing to anyway) and settle somewhere together. I'm still working on that but I've slowed down a bit so I don't have to ask her about any decisions.

I'm focusing my energy on readying the house, and getting over an illness. My hands are full and I'm working on my stuff.

[zallen239]

I completely understand your anxiety towards this issue and am sorry to hear about your gfs loss. I think you're in a sticky spot at the moment and for the moment I think you're doing the right thing. You agreed that you'd give her space and that's exactly what you're doing. I think for the future though you should have a little chat explaining that although you were happy to agree to give her space you didn't realize how it would affect you. The current issue is about HER but in the long term if something like this happens again you don't want to be in the same spot as you are currently. Give her the time she needs at the moment and then when she's feeling better I'd suggest saying how it affected you too, good luck

[mustlovedogs]

Yeah it is really difficult, especially given that I not only miss the hell out of her, but also that I need her input on this big move we are making. It is hard to pick up and leave a home that I have had for 18 years. Well leaving the home is needed, but the whole where to live, job availability, and just opinions of what cities are a no-go. I have a month left until my job ends here. I get nervous without knowing where I will be and what income I will have. Oh and moving with four dogs and three cats? THAT is proving to be a huge challenge. The next house I buy depends upon the sell of my current one, which is in an area that is scorching hot for home sales.

Just so much to think about. I wish I had her guidance. Until then, I guess I just start boxing things up, and paint rooms that need it.

[zallen239]

I have faith that you'll sort out everything, it is nice to have guidance off of a partner and I'm you'll get it in time. I wish you luck with your move and other than that you are exactly right to be keeping busy with boxing stuff up and painting as and when. Maybe get yourself a new hobby if things are feeling particularly tough, I love a good round of golf sometimes but that's all up to you, it's very easy to over think things at times like this and as easy as it is to say to not do that it's a real life skill to develop (in my opinion).

[mustlovedogs]

Day seven - still not a word. Man this is tough! I struggle with honoring her wish, and my desire to talk to her. I feel like I'm being a weakling by having this conflict. This has really caused some internal stress and I admit I'm pretty damn depressed. I don't rely on her much, sometimes just an email means a lot to me. I haven't been high maintenance before but now I feel as if I am. Sorry to keep whining about this but I have no where else to turn.

[Elizabeth123]

You can always post here. We all have ups and downs but that's part of loving someone. Keep focused on the day to day of your life and hopefully soon she'll be ready to be with you again.Maybe try a new hobby you've never attempted..it would be a great distraction?

[mustlovedogs]

I did hear from her. At 3am I woke up thinking about her, and after a week of this I had to do something. I sent her this email....


I woke up all through the night thinking about you. I really miss you sweetheart. I hope you're doing alright. I know that you needed some space, but can I please just hear from you for a sec? Going a week without talking .... Well I just miss you is all. We don't have to talk about anything "serious" about us. I just wanna know that you're ok. You're very important in my life and matter to me.

Love you

Honestly an I'm good would have been enough from me.

She wrote back that she was ok, got a good job and was needing to get a truck for it. She asked how I was doing and to give all the animals her love. In the email exchanges that came after, she seemed distant. I mean as in no longer calling me babes or telling me that she loved me, or that she missed me. She was just talking to a friend. I get that she has been through a lot, and that she likely feels off, but it still stung. I never addressed any of that because that would be too much too soon. Just sucks that here we were not a week ago making plans to get a house and be together, and now it feels unknown. She also seemed tense. I know that emotionally she is drained, so again I put my feelings on the back burner so she can have some time. I'm just happy that we are talking.

Im still uneasy about it. This was a super serious relationship, and we both wanted a future together. Is this one of those rough patches people hit?

I just need to get my act together and take care of me. I admit she has a huge effect on my mood. We have relied on one another back and forth, as we both have had a crappy 2016. We weathered a lot together. So that bond carries over. Now honestly I'm more scared to move. I'm in a situation where I need to - criminal neighbors, area losing its charm and becoming gentrified, and honestly my home feels so empty now that she is gone.

I have a lot going on. Ugh.

[C.C.]

Maybe she was distant because she felt a lot of negative emotions and wanted to hold them back.
Not saying "I love you" or "babe" is normal when someone is feeling like that.
However it might be something concerning as well. Who knows.

One thing I do know though is that as much as you are hurting, there's literally NOTHING you can do. The only option is to wait and see how it goes. Well you can vent with others and post here of course :3

But you need to understand that you need patience not for her but for yourself. You can't possibly keep worrying about all this and survive, you are through too much stress already.
Spoil yourself, do things you can enjoy and things that can distract you.

As for the move, don't make it for her. Make it for yourself. If you are okay with living there even if you broke up you have no reason to second-guess it. If it's solely because of her, then you might need to reconsider everything, but doesn't seem so in your case.

[hmrambling]

My partner and I usually talk most every day, but when we don't, one of us will usually check in with the other somehow (usually text). However, each of us understands that life gets busy and things happen.

I have been very upfront with my partner about this: each of us needs to maintain our own autonomy. We each need to have/keep our own family, friends, hobbies, interests, and responsibilities (job, house, car, chores, etc.). I need for her to have her own interests, meet with family and friends, socialize with other people, network with her co-workers. I need to have my own friends, keep in touch with my family, have my own support network, run, ride my bike, take long bubble baths, etc.

I can't rely on her for everything, nor can she fix all of my problems. Similarly, she can't rely on me for everything, nor can I fix all of her problems. Are there times I am a little mopey when I don't hear from her? Yes. I drag my ass out of bed, put on running shoes, and go run somewhere. I call up friends or family. She cannot be my entire world.

I do not use terms of endearment. When I do, it doesn't sound natural, and we both laugh we I try. So certainly if I were not feeling well my partner wouldn't expect me to use any terms of endearment.

In short, I practice being independent and want my space at times. If my partner had no time for me ever, then we probably would not be a couple. If I didn't hear from her in a week, I would be examining the relationship. I doubt I would be on standby for emails.

However, I wouldn't allow my mood and my life to revolve around whether or not I heard from her. Nope. When it comes to that point, I've handed all of my power over to my partner and I no longer have any power of my own. I have to have enough power to go on living my life, to take care of me, and to know my own self worth without someone else defining it for me.

[mustlovedogs]

I have always wanted her to have her space and time alone. Even when we lived together I told her, that she just needed to give me a sign when she needed space. Even when she was AWOL for a few hours I only asked that she let me know that she was ok..... didn't need to know where she was. There were times that she vanished for days, and the reason for those times came out and it was pretty scary.

We went through some rough times. Individually for sure. I dealt with illness, cancer scare, surgery, and an impending layoff. She dealt with deep personal issues, one of her other pups dying, and that her work was not panning out. The issues were serious, but I won't divulge the detail. Lets just say that it could have killed her.

We started talking a week after she moved and she told me that she was sorry for the things she caused, and that she would make changes in her life. She wanted to be a better woman, not only for herself but for US.

We both wanted to go somewhere. It was initially my idea. She said to me that she would go anywhere with me. Daily we looked at houses online. We exchanged so many emails.... SO MANY. At least 25 a day. She had no phone, and this was the best way for her to communicate. We binge watched shows together, and would have movie nights. She missed me terribly and I missed her. We had planned for me to come out one weekend, but she asked that I not come out due to her dealing with her dog's illness. He is and was her world. She said that she needed time. I honored it.

She leaned on me when he was at his end of days. I found a vet to come to her mom's place to put him to sleep. I made sure that all of her questions were answered. I comforted her fears and was her sounding board.

When he passed, I gave her space. We exchanged emails yesterday, and she asked that I find some important items for her. She assured me that her demons were not a factor again. We then made plans to have TV night. Then she went radio silent again.

I almost drove to her mom's place. I was tempted. I refrained. Looks like I am going to have to take a step back again. It is hard for me. The yoyo effect hurts my heart. I do not know what is going on. I have to trust her word that she is not falling down that rabbit hole again. I know that she is emotionally wrecked. She cries a lot. She says that when she feels sad, she gets angry.

Maybe she needs more time. I just need more strength. I'm focusing on me. I am TRYING. I didnt feel as anxious today, but I'd be lying if I didnt say that I had tears in my eyes right now.

Anyway that's that. I want her to be ok. I want us to be okay. I want ME to be ok. Time is a M'effer. Distance sucks!