In a LDR with a soldier divorcing his wife

[Agatka]

It's hard to make this long story short and still receive a dose of compassion from the military wives on this forum, who probably hate the very idea of someone like me even existing in the first place, but I am utterly desperate and need some advice, so here it goes..

I met my military SO during his recent deployment. It was clear from day one that we were made for each other and we fell in love immediately. It was like a romantic movie scenario, a dream come true. Until.. he told me he was married - at which point my world crashed down for a moment. But then he told me the story of his marriage to a foreign woman he met during another deployment and married to save her from persecution by her government for interacting with an American. The marriage was unhappy all along and now that she is getting her US citizenship, he will finally be able to get a divorce without risking her being sent back.

Taking into account this peculiar situation and the fact that we loved each other so much, I agreed to stay in the relationship and we continued it until he went back home. Now he is over there and trying to figure things out but the situation is complicated additionally by the fact that he has a step son (his wife's from her first marriage), whom he wants to "spare" as much as he can during the divorce. So for now, he pretends that everything is OK by day (and wears his wedding ring, which tears my heart into pieces every time I see it) and fights with his wife by night.

I knew it would be hard and that I would have to be patient, but I'm dealing with a vicious trifecta of pain-inducers here:

1. LDR - hard as it is;
2. my SO is married - while I know he loves me, he officially "belongs" to someone else and I'm being kept "secret" (he doesn't want his step son to perceive me as the woman that broke up his parents, because the divorce had causes independent from me)
3. soon he will go back into training and then deploy again and not only will he temporarily lose the ability to push the divorce through, but we will also not be able to communicate much (not that we are able to do that now, since he can only talk with me when he's not home)..

So basically, I am left with doubts (will he actually go through with the divorce?), uncertainty for the future (when will we be able to actually be together?) and a prospect of a year or so with very little communication. I feel utterly alone, upset and scared and I can't even talk to anyone about the situation..

Would you have any coping suggestions in this very particular situation (because everything else I've seen here pertains to people who can.. well, be open about being in a LDR)? How do I get through this and not lose hope? How do you deal with a painful situation that doesn't seem to have an end-date anywhere in sight and with nothing certain to hold on to? I have been crying in despair for days now and I can't find even the slightest sliver of hope in this mess I got myself into..

[differentcountries]

There are a couple of other women in here that are in love with/together with guys who are married to someone else, most are in some degree on their way towards a divorce, fighting and kids involved is not unusual.

While I am not in your sitation, I can relate to that it can be troublesome to not be completely open about the LDR. Lots of people know about me and SO, but also lots of people don't and this situation will probably remain for some time. We also don't have anything close to an end-date

Try as much as you can to ignore the wedding ring situation. More revealing is the fact that he lives with her and even her son regards them as living in the family. Also, if he insist that she and he son should be able to stay in the country (and indeed, you will want to be with someone who thinks of them in this matter), then he still has some time to wait before applying for divorce (since she has not gotten her citizenship yet, and even then dirvorce settlements take some time). Perhaps if you look at the year to come as the year his wife will get her citizenship it will become easier to bare. Uncertainties are a part of life - even in regular relationships you never know if the other person will take steps to come closer.

[Unconditional]

Your last couple of sentences really reasoned with me. Honestly, I'd worry more about just getting through the deployment then anything else. I don't know how to explain it, but I don't give up because I know, I just know he means what he says. It's HARD, and I wish I could give more advice.. but if you need me you can message me. I'm in a military ldr as well

[VeraRyan]

My SO used to be married... He is not anymore, thank God!
Even reading your story brings back old memories of this sad time. I felt so much uncertainty. I lost hope so many times. I have been angry and crying too often. And at some point I even dated someone from my town because I thought I was over my SO. Looking back now I would have done things different but ever situation is different so I can't really tell you what I would do. Only you know if you can be patient any longer. And only you know if you think he is really going to go through the divorce. (Which, believe me, is hell too)
You can always pm me if you want to talk more about this.
Good luck!

[R&R]

The key issues here have nothing to do with him being in the military or that you are in an LDR. Even if you lived in the same town, the major factors are still the same. I'm sorry if I come across too blunt but I'm going to just tell you my opinion.

He is married. If he truly wants to get out of the marriage, he needs to sit down with his wife and lay things out. He doesn't have to mention you but he has to make it clear that he wants a divorce as soon as her citizenship goes through. If there is nothing going on between them anymore, this shouldn't be a problem. From what he says, she is miserable too and should be just as willing as he is to get out of the situation. I'm sorry about the step-son but reality is that the longer he pretends everything is okay between him and his wife, the harder it will be for the son. And if he honestly thinks the son doesn't know anything is wrong, he is fooling himself - kids know.

I was in a relationship once where he told me his wife and he lived in the same house, they had 2 kids together but they were no longer a couple and were going to get a divorce. I told him if he wanted to be in a relationship with me, he had 3 months to move out and get his own place or I would not stay with him. One month later, he had his own place and the divorce proceedings had started. I've just known too many people who dated married men who were told they were going to get a divorce and waited years before they finally walked away and the man never did get divorced. I understand the issue with the citizenship but there has to be a deadline when that will be complete. While waiting for that, they can at least start getting everything else ready to get the divorce going as soon as her citizenship goes through.

It comes down to only you can decide how long you are willing to wait to see if he really is going to get divorced. It's a tough situation. Just remember, words are easy to speak but without the actions that backup those words, they mean nothing. Good luck!

[Curly]

My advice is to force him to set a timeline on his plans. Yes he's getting deployed...but that shouldnt stop her citizenship process.
As soon as that is completed, he can start the process on divorce.

I am always in the corner of those truly in love.

But obligations and responsibilites may make him question what he is doing and slow the process down.
If he is committed to you, he should be able to commit to a timeline.

As long as the timeline is being met, you can feel assured in his affections.
Dont settle for being in the closet forever. Hold him to his promises or you risk losing a piece of yourself.

I truly hope everything works out for you for the best.

[RedWhirlwind]

This may not be what you want to hear, but if I were in your shoes I would try to go on with my life normally. Be open to dating other people & new possibilities, while keeping contact with this man to see if he really does go through with the divorce. It is INCREDIBLY selfish and just plain disrespectful of him to expect or ask for you to wait for him right now. I don't think I could be in a relationship with a man who asked that of me, but I am a different person than you and I don't want you to think I'm saying you are wrong. I can't offer coping suggestions for you to hold out for this guy because I would not be willing to do so myself, not and still respect myself or him.

All I am really trying to say is that until he IS divorced and actually free to be with you openly, you can keep your options open - and let him know you are doing so. Don't close off the possibility that you might fall in love with someone else who is available for someone who might or might not someday be available.

[TooFarAway]

Honestly, by the description of your little love affair, this all seems incredibly superficial (Sorry not sorry). You're romanticizing an AFFAIR that this MARRIED MAN is having with YOU. You're stuck on this fairytale idea of love in you head, yearning for that happily ever after. You don't have a sliver of hope? Because frankly there SHOULDN'T be one so STOP. Just STOP right now.
To me his story seems self-righteous, making his marriage seem like some heroic act that he did? Oh really? Spare me please. You seriously CANNOT be believing that bullshit.
In all honestly, he probably also had the same sort of fairytale love with his foreign wife, but it didn't turn out the way he liked. Then here comes you- a brand new girl and then makes excuses to look like he's truly in love with you while he is just running away from his problems. And you're falling for every bit of it.

Get this: If his marriage was something to save the girl from prosecution and that him and his wife aren't actually in love, why would they be fighting and arguing in the first place? There's too many holes in his story. Fighting and arguing means that both of them DO care for each other and love each other. You are just his escape and then what happens when it doesn't turn out the way he wants with you? He's going to go to the next foreign chick in his next new deployment? It all sounds so fake to me.
And so my advice is to break it off for now. If you guys are soo in love and meant to be then you can be together again when he's SINGLE and has his shit together. Snap out of it.

[TaraMarie]

Let me tell you MY EXPERIENCE. My marriage fell apart years ago. Yes, I stayed FOR THE KIDS. And for financial reasons. I finally told my husband I wanted a divorce, the marriage was over, and we would live our lives separately, but in the same house until we could afford for him to move out. I wanted to tell the kids immediately. He convinced me not to. As soon as our oldest moved out, he moved into her room. I met my SO and we were together, secretly, for a year, because it couldn't tell my children we were divorcing. My now ex knew I was flying back and forth to NY and going on vacations, so although I never came right out and told him he certainly knew I was involved with someone. I finally got tired of keeping it all a secret and told my children. When they confronted their dad, he LIED and said we weren't getting divorced! I set them straight that night, and I felt SO GOOD to not have to lie all the time. Do you know what they said? "We've known for a long time, it's about time you've told us". Three months later he got an apartment. Four months later they met my SO and all has been great since then.

I just want you to know that SOMETIMES people do stay together, in a dead marriage, for convenience, or money, or kids. It happens. I am living proof.

[Ahava]

Am I the only one who finds this a little fishy?
The OP's SO may be legitimate and telling the truth about his circumstances, but what if he isn't?

[silvermoonfairy3]

why would they be fighting and arguing in the first place? There's too many holes in his story. Fighting and arguing means that both of them DO care for each other and love each other.

...

What?
Sometimes fighting and arguing happens between loving couples, sure, but the presence of fighting and arguing doesn't mean anything more than there's a conflict at that time. How people resolve it (or don't) is part of what indicates compatibility, love, etc.

Frankly your whole post suggests a lack of understanding of the grey area of the world/relationships, regardless of what is actually going on in the OP's case.

[differentcountries]

If.. him and his wife aren't actually in love, why would they be fighting and arguing in the first place? There's too many holes in his story. Fighting and arguing means that both of them DO care for each other and love each other. You are just his escape

Yes, love can be passionate with grand fights and sweet reunions, my life with my ex was a bit like that. After the breakup, only the fighting was left, not the love. I guess we were too different. The romantic relationships I have had since have been much more harmonic and I feel also more loving, even more sexual because we don't waste our time picking fights.

[whatruckus]

Am I the only one who finds this a little fishy?
The OP's SO may be legitimate and telling the truth about his circumstances, but what if he isn't?

No, I feel the same. I find it odd that he met both her and his current wife during deployments, and she's being kept a secret. The whole thing almost seems like a movie plot.

[TooFarAway]

...

What?
Sometimes fighting and arguing happens between loving couples, sure, but the presence of fighting and arguing doesn't mean anything more than there's a conflict at that time. How people resolve it (or don't) is part of what indicates compatibility, love, etc.

Frankly your whole post suggests a lack of understanding of the grey area of the world/relationships, regardless of what is actually going on in the OP's case.

Yes, love can be passionate with grand fights and sweet reunions, my life with my ex was a bit like that. After the breakup, only the fighting was left, not the love. I guess we were too different. The romantic relationships I have had since have been much more harmonic and I feel also more loving, even more sexual because we don't waste our time picking fights.

You're both missing the cold hard analysis I laid out of this whole fishy situation.
I was just pointing out that if indeed this was just a heroic act he committed to save this woman- then there wouldn't be any need to fight. That means he's saying that there was no love in the first place so divorce should be easy once she's able to get her U.S citizenship. However, this is obviouslyyyy not the case if they are fighting. This means they have a certain HISTORY and the marriage was ABSOLUTELY NOT some heroic act he did without any REAL feelings for his wife initially. Sure, their passion and love are gone and fighting is all there's left. BUT THAT LOVE AND PASSION WAS THERE. That just shows that his little heroic story of helping her out of country by marrying her is TOTAL bullshit.
Besides, whether or not his little story is true, it DOES NOT justify cheating on his wife. No no no no no. Nothing can justify his cheating and nothing can justify what you're doing right now, OP. He is falsely building your hopes up and you're letting him. It's clear that the OP has a significant amount of infatuation towards him and he is using this to his advantage.

[silvermoonfairy3]

You're both missing the cold hard analysis I laid out of this whole fishy situation.

We're not missing it, we think it's based on nothing. It's not a "cold hard analysis", it's your subjective view that fighting = love.

I was just pointing out that if indeed this was just a heroic act he committed to save this woman- then there wouldn't be any need to fight.

And I'm saying that makes no sense. He might have married her all heroically (though that's suspicious) and then once they started actually spending time together, got on each others' nerves like crazy. Him doing her a huge favor doesn't mean that they'd never fight.

This situation is bizarre for a bunch of reasons, but the fact that they fight means precisely nothing other than they have fights.