Parents are against closing the distance....

[skye_michelle]

Anyone else having this issue? My SO and I have been together for over a year and a half, have known each other for over 5 years, and they're against me moving up to Wichita with him for college. They say they really like him, and they wouldn't even mind me marrying him, but they're super defensive, and say me leaving is the biggest mistake of my life...but none of them have been in the same situation? I don't know, but I'm good at adjusting and coping after moves (I've lived in three different states that I can remember), and the town I'm living in is dying, and I've filled out at least 50+ applications and got nothing. He filled out three after moving there, and he;s already got a job.

I don't know, but this is aggrivating...any other teens having issues like this at all??

[Sora1101]

Nope my parents don't know about my relationship lucky me eh? :P

Anyway I say just do what you want to do, if your town is dying then sooner or later you'll hafta move anyway so why not move to some place you can be happy? Your parents mean well but you need to learn how to stand on your own two feet and your parents need to learn to let go. If you're going to college there then it's not like you'll be dropping school just to move in with your boyfriend I think your parents are just feeling the "oh my gosh my child is becoming an adult" syndrome. Sit them down and talk to them about it some and let them come with you when you move so they can help/see what your life will be like if they want.

[skye_michelle]

Exactly! They're also really protective over me, because I'm their only daughter. I'm transferring from the community college here, and 2 of my classes won't transfer, so they think i'm starting all over, it's aggravating. i'm hoping if I can sit them down without anyone else with us to distract them or even me, they will be more willing to listen and take me seriously.

[efish1042]

My dad isn't happy that I'm going to the same college as my SO, but... he's dealing with it. However, I know he will yank me back home at the first excuse, so I have to make sure to stay on the straight and narrow.
I agree that the best thing you can do is sit down and explain the situation to them. You're a big girl now. This is your decision. My biggest worry would be "will they still support me?" either financially or morally or what have you. I don't think that is at issue here, though. They seem to really love you and your SO and while they don't support this decision, I don't think it would cause them to abandon you at all. They're just worried.

[Sora1101]

Exactly! They're also really protective over me, because I'm their only daughter. I'm transferring from the community college here, and 2 of my classes won't transfer, so they think i'm starting all over, it's aggravating. i'm hoping if I can sit them down without anyone else with us to distract them or even me, they will be more willing to listen and take me seriously.

Get some brochures of the college or any other information you can, show them pictures and tell them your plans for classes and a possible major you're interested in, make them feel like they're still a part of your life and I'm sure they'll warm up faster. oh and if you do have a specific major in mind check and see if the programs for it at the college are adequate enough. If they're top rated or have good reviews you could also use that in your argument, better classes for the thing you want to major in means getting better education and training.

It shows them that you're going there for the college and not your SO, sure that's a perk but your main focus will be school and boys come second.

[annie72809]

It won't be happening for a year or so, since I'm just now entering my senior year of high school, but eventually my SO and I will go to college together. I've barely talked to my parents about it at all, but they are definitely super defensive already. I totally know how you feel. I have also heard "the biggest mistake of your life" blah blah blah. This is how I feel about it: if he and I are meant to be, then it is NOT going to be the biggest mistake of my life. If it doesn't end up working out, well that freakin sucks. But there's always room to start over, you know?

You're going to have to move out at some point. And if they don't mind you marrying him, why would they mind you moving to be with him, when getting a job is apparently easier in the town he's in? Doesn't make sense to me. Just do it anyway! Parents can't be in control forever. I totally know how you feel though, you still want their approval :/ hang in there! let us know what happens!

[skye_michelle]

I honestly don't think my parents know how it feels, because they've never been in the same situation. I just wish they could understand i'm not throwing my life away, I mean, I'm going to be going to college and working as much as I can. The program for my major is just as good there as it is here, it's just not as competitive because it's has so many different campuses.

[kirbycat]

I don't know if I'm technically "supposed" to be responding here, since I'm not a teen, but hopefully you won't mind me throwing in my two cents.

I known people who have been in similar situations to yours. One friend of mine is about to start grad school at Columbia University in NYC, which has one of the top programs in the country in her field, and everyone in her tiny Illinois hometown, including her family, has only been critical of her choice, because it will pull her away from home, and it's perceived as her rising too far above the community, many of whom have no college education. Another college friend from a small town wasn't even allowed by her parents to spend one semester abroad in England, because it would take her too far away from her family - even though it would've only been 4 or 5 months. So anyway, I don't think your parents' attitude is all that unusual.

I think your best bet is to show your parents that you're interested in moving not just for your SO, but for your academic and professional benefit - that you'll gain a lot at a university that you can't get at a community college. It's not that you don't like your hometown or are trying to escape your roots; you just want to open yourself to more opportunities for your future. These are things you should carefully consider for yourself as well. A lot of people who choose a college simply to be with their boyfriend or girlfriend end up breaking up under the pressure of all the changes and new circumstances that college brings - leaving the person who moved stuck at a school they wouldn't have chosen for themselves, or facing the embarrassment of transferring back home. Not that you should expect to break up, of course. Just be sure you're making a move that's in your own personal best interest, not just for the sake of being closer to your SO. And unless your parents are threatening to remove financial support or something if you move, then it's your choice anyway!

[Deleted]

Haha, my parents would've killed me in the act if I had asked them for it too! They would've said I would ruin my future and they would be frantic thinking I could get pregnant or something :P

I agree that you should show your parents that you are there for the college itself and not your SO.

While it may be one of your reasons, your parents will not like the idea of it... first of all because they will think your prioroty are boys and not studies, and second because of the "my child is growing" thing. My parents are protective over me too, and I live in a very conservative place where unmarried girls moving with guys are frowned upon badly by society, to the point that later on you'll struggle finding a guy who will take you seriously for marriage because even boys look for a girl who's never been so close to another guy.

I do not believe they should frown upon this that way, but what I mean is it may be something going in your parents' heads; even if you will just be at the same college and not actually sharing a room. They are afraid of their girl's future and it is natural...

...but as I said, it will seem better if you prove you are interested in college. I had friends who chose their high school in order to be with their friends or SO's (here, private universities have their high school and then you go straight to study your carreer, it works kind of different). So now they have troubles getting scholarships for the university who has the best program for their specific major... So that's another thing you should consider. Will this choice open doors for you, or will it close them? Think forward and show your parents that you care a lot about your future I know you do (after all you are willing to make your relationship stronger by closing the distance...that's part of your future too).

I'm telling you this because I'm at the other side of the situation. When my SO and I finished high school, each of us had to go to the university that matched our studies better. That's why we went long distance and we'll be for 4 more years...at least. So just think about it. If your relationship is strong, love will find a way even if you are not in the same place. And if you go to the same college and you are meant to be, you just gave an awesome step in life. There are advantages and risks on every choice you make; still most of the times there is a way of going back.

I know perhaps I sound harsh and as well I believe you must have thought of this for lots of time already. I'm just trying to think a little more "like a parent" so you can think of the best for your future...and how to convince your parents it is! It's your life after all, and each person has the right to lead their own life.

I wish you the best of lucks

[skye_michelle]

Well, we'll be going to the same college, but different campuses, and living about 30 minutes apart (me on campus, him with his sister)...so it's not all about him. But they think it's ridiculous that I'm moving up there to live o campus at a community college, but I'm tired of not being able to get a job, and it would be nice to be 30 minutes from my SO instead of 5 almost 6 hours, you know?

[Deleted]

I supposed it was not all about him But it's a good thing indeed.

It seems you want to be more independent and it sounds to me like your parents must still think you're a little girl who can't get by on her own. If you tell them all what you've said here, about wanting to get a job and how hard it is at your place, and how this college will be good for you, it should be easier. I thought they would be upset because you would live "too close" to your SO but seems now that the problem is they do not want you far from them... with or without a boyfriend involved. How much time do you have left until the due dates come? If you have any, show your parents that you are responsible and able to care of yourself. It can be hard indeed for them to let you go if you are their only daughter, but it is possible, so keep on trying. As long as you keep insisting by showing your interest, they have to think of it at least.

[skye_michelle]

I have until the 13 of August, and then classes start on the 18th or 19th for me (I have a first 8 weeks class that starts before all the others). I plan on telling them when I stay with them for the 4th of July, and that way they can calm down before I leave so hopefully they will want to see me before I move...I love them, but they kept me from going to school in Maine, and I am not going to let them stop me from going to school where i want anymore

[Rugger]

I'm not supposed to be here but whatevs.

When it comes to college you should be thinking about YOU and only you. It's YOUR future and sadly to say, he may not always be there. I had so many friends who planned around their SO's only to break up and resent them because they gave up another school they would have been better suited at than the one they ended up at. WOuld you be going to this school if He wasn't there or is there another school that's better suited to YOU? I can understand how your parents are worried. They probably think you are just going there for him and not for you.

I was glad I didn't have a boyfriend when I looked at college. I made my choice based on me and me alone and I found my SO there.

[digitalfever]

When it comes to college you should be thinking about YOU and only you. It's YOUR future and sadly to say, he may not always be there.

This. I have nothing else to add but this just gobsmacked me and I had to agree!

[Haley53]

I'm not supposed to be here but whatevs.

When it comes to college you should be thinking about YOU and only you. It's YOUR future and sadly to say, he may not always be there. I had so many friends who planned around their SO's only to break up and resent them because they gave up another school they would have been better suited at than the one they ended up at. WOuld you be going to this school if He wasn't there or is there another school that's better suited to YOU? I can understand how your parents are worried. They probably think you are just going there for him and not for you.

I was glad I didn't have a boyfriend when I looked at college. I made my choice based on me and me alone and I found my SO there.

This.

It's possible your parents are also considering tuition? If they didn't want you going to Maine, despite your SO not being there. Currently, to attend a University of California, depending on whether you live on- or off-campus, the cost to attend, for California residents, can come up to 33k a year. If you're a non-resident (out-of-state student), you're looking at up to 56k. Quite frankly, if I'm going to accumulate debt, I'm going to accumulate it in graduate school when getting a degree that actually allows me a shot at being employed, and even then, I'd be hard-pressed to spend over 50,000.00 on a Master's level program, for example. I'm not sure if your parents are paying, if you've taken out financial aid, etc. but tuition is definitely something to think about when going out-of-state, especially if you're following a boy.

I understand you feel you'd make the transition smoothly but I know people who are still together and resent having gone to the same college. Why? Because they realise their relationship would have lasted whether there was distance or wasn't and their being together meant one of them had to sacrifice their college of choice. What you should be doing is choosing a college based on what's best for you and what you ultimately hope to pursue. Where would you go if you and your boyfriend weren't an item? No one likes to do it, but you need to think about your relationship and college in terms of what would happen if you broke up or what would happen if you never were to begin with. What choices would you make if you were single? If a relationship is going to crumble because of an educational decision, it's a relationship that would have crumbled no matter how close you got. People think being close distance keeps a relationship together, and it doesn't. Make this decision for you, not for your boyfriend.