I Don't Get What Here Parents Deal Is

[HoldMeImAFermata]

Let me preface this by saying I know most of you rarely see your SO and it might sound like I'm complaining in my post but please could whoever responds not say I should be happy that I see her as often as I have so far. I just have gotten responses like that before and I could really just use advice and not criticisms just saying.

Anyway here's the story I'll give some background first. Me and my girlfriend met online Six months ago. We became a couple soon after and it has been some of the best months of my life I love her with all my heart. She's one of the most caring girls I've ever met. Her parents have both gotten to know me a little bit and think I'm very nice and a great influence and fit for their daughter which was big for me to hear them say because theres a little bit of an age difference and I didn't think they would accept me but they did! We have seen each usually once per month which I was okay with since her parents were still getting to know me. The problem is this the only reason we ever get to see each other is because I always pay for the gas for the car and the boat ride to get to where she lives. So its always me doing the traveling and I don't feel like it should be all on me just because I'm a little older. I can only afford to see her once a month and I'd like to see her more than that now. My girlfriend agrees and would love to come see me but her Mom said she'd have to think about it and then my gf asked again and she said Idk if we could afford it. I think that they are just making excuses and I don't know why because they like me and I'm loads better than her last bf who cheated on her twice and was disrespectful to her parents. If I with a little help from my family am able to go see her I think her parents could manage. I offered to pay for my girl to come I don't mind that at all just as long as I don't always have to be the one traveling. What else can I do? I really want to see her more. Let me know your thoughts. Thank you in advance!

[AvaLouise]

I can see where they're coming from 100%. Parent's don't want their daughters being with guys that long, because I'm assuming you're only 15-17? My mom certainly wouldn't let me stay with my boyfriend, no matter how many times they've met him, simply because I'm only sixteen years old. You have to think about it from their point of view. If you had a daughter, would you want her staying overnight at her boyfriend's house? some parents are more loose on the whole thing and others are more strict so I mean it differs but whatever. So it might not be that they can't afford it even if she says she can't. As much as I wish I was allowed to fly across the country to stay with my SO, I respect my mom's opinion and I don't bother her about it.

[HoldMeImAFermata]

She wouldn't be staying over at my house she would just be coming for the day and her Mom can come with her if she wants I never expected her to stay over. And to clarify she is 16 and I'm 19.

[Haley53]

She wouldn't be staying over at my house she would just be coming for the day and her Mom can come with her if she wants I never expected her to stay over. And to clarify she is 16 and I'm 19.

It's not always that simple for a mother to up and leave everything for a few days. It's also a bit presumptuous to assume you know anything of their financial situation. Even if they were in the same boat as you, not everyone prioritises their teenager's relationships the same way. It's one thing if you offered to pay and her parents are still resisting (in which case I would ask your girlfriend why specifically they're concerned) but it's another thing if you're expecting her parents, who might not have the money, to afford it for her.

[Brieasaurus]

There's also your age gap to take into consideration. Staying the night might entail having sex in her mom's eyes which would then cause some serious issues for you being that you're over 18 and she's not. Like Eclaire said, no matter how much my parents liked someone or approved of my SO, they would never just let me up and leave, especially if they had to go too.

Plus because you guys are different ages, what may seem like a simple trip to you, is not to her (even if she thinks it is). Her mom would have to drive here and get her there (assuming she's a younger 16 and doesn't have her license) and some parents just don't have the time to do that, especially since they have jobs and other things to do than transport their child to and from NY. Parents don't always tell their kids everything. Plus would it be like a weekend day trip, since most school systems here have a full month of school in October? Her parents may also be concerned that this will turn into an every week type of deal if they say yes.

I think you're best bet is to ask her to ask her parents exactly why they won't do it and work from there. I understand your frustrations, at the beginning of my LDR I was younger and my SO was 4 1/2 years old and my parents didn't want anything to do with it. Took over a year just to convince them to let him come here. It's just a part of being a teenager/dating one though, annoying parents. I know you don't want to hear this but you do have it extremely lucky. Just remember that.

[lucybelle]

If I had a 16 year old daughter who wanted to travel to a 19 year old boy, I wouldn't be okay with it either.

Why not split the cost of her traveling?

[Tooki]

If I had a 16 year old daughter who wanted to travel to a 19 year old boy, I wouldn't be okay with it either.

Why not split the cost of her traveling?

I'm with Lucybelle. If I was your GF's dad, I would do the same thing. It's not the age gap that would the concern, it would be that she is 16.

And the best case scenario that you can do is the bolded.

Also, why not ask your GF's mum if they can visit your family's house? It might be too early to meet the parents, but if her mum likes your parents, then that could also open up for a possible future opportunity for your GF to stay at your house. (Parents know parents)

[Honour]

I can understand her parent's hesitancy but I agree with what Lucybelle said too, if you could split the cost of travelling it might put less pressure on you and make you feel better.

[Zephii]

I didn't read the replies, but seriously, if you's want to have an adult relationship, then you can be like adults and earn your own damn money. So instead of expecting her parents to pay for it, expect her to get a part time job or sell Avon, baby sit, mow lawns or whatever. She wants money she can go earn it like the rest of us.

Maybe it's too much money and effort for the parents just for a day trip, but they aren't ready for it to be more than that. Six months also is not very long - especially in an LDR where many people assume that because you can't spend as much time together the relationship will develop at a slower rate. Or maybe they are just struggling financially but you can't see that. Maybe your SO doesn't even know - lots of parents don't discuss that with their kids after all.

Either way, it's their money and your relationship. You look after what's yours and keep your nose out of what isn't.. see?

[Bex2804]

I'm a 15 year old girl and in a few weeks I will be traveling to see my 16 year old boyfriend. This will involve me flying ( For the first time ever) and flying on my own. It's hard for parents to trust you, even though it seems unfair, but I think your idea seems reasonable... Idk, all parents are different, maybe write her parents a letter asking your gf to come visit you as a letter is more personal I feel.. Good luck!!xx

[HoldMeImAFermata]

To all the people that said her parents probably fear us having sex first of all that would not happen because I never said she would be staying the night and I am not expecting her to come alone but with one or both of her parents or a friend so obviously that is not it. I clarified this in my 2nd post in this thread so I don't know why anyone thought that. And to Tooki and lucybelle I guess you didn't even fully read my post because her parents have met my Dad and me and like us very much so don't know where your getting that from. And to Eclair and Zephil I never expected her parents to pay for it all themselves I suggested to my GF that we split the cost and I make my own money so my parents haven't payed for any of my visits either. I'm not being defensive but you should not just assume things and I asked for advice on what I could suggest to her or her parents to make it work.

[Haley53]

I don't think anyone's assuming anything. You acted very nonchalant about her parents' situation and I think that's what everyone's responding to. It's potentially not as easy for her if she can't travel on her own, especially since even if it'd be for a day... I dunno. I know my mother can pitch a fit at the idea of having to take me driving anywhere that's more than half hour out of her way. Driving takes it out of you, as I'm sure you're aware, and her parents probably do not want to go up and back in the same day or in the same weekend. I can see where, at 16, they probably would be worried about her, whether it's that you'd have sex (which you mentioned wouldn't happen) or that it would simply be distracting. In any case, it sounds like they're worried about not even being able to afford half of it and also about all the driving that one or both of them would have to do. I'm not sure what advice I can give you because I don't think her parents' reasoning is all that unreasonable. :/

[Zephii]

You suggested to your GF to split costs... when 'her' money comes from her parents. It's the same thing. You never said anything about her paying out of her own pocket. And that's all I'm saying - don't whinge that her parents don't want to put money toward your relationship, tell your woman to get a job This IS what I'm suggesting for you to suggest to make this work.

If they say they their reason is they don't have the money, then they probably don't have the money - because as you said, they like you, they let you visit her, they are not trying in other ways to hinder your relationship.

[efish1042]

Families are 9 times out of 10 more freaked out about their daughters than their sons. My parents didn't loosen up much on me until I turned 18.
They're scared for her to travel alone and spend time with a boy when they don't know the chaperons, if there will be any.
The most important thing for you to do in this situation is not get frustrated with her parents. It will only breed contempt in them for you and may even push away your SO. Just be calm and carry on. Everything will work out the way it is supposed to in the end.