Teens My boyfriend likes another girl.

[loopsofmadness]

Hi everyone, thanks for taking the time to read this.

Me and my boyfriend have been in a long distance relationship for 20 months now. Unlike a lot of long distance couples, we get to see each other every 1-2 months, something I am incredibly grateful about. We have had our rough patches, just like any other couple but other than that we are happy.

In August last year he admitted to having a liking another girl. Of course this naturally broke my heart and along came all of the feelings such as being 2nd best and not being good enough, especially because she is only around the corner whereas I am hours away. We managed to arrange an ''emergency'' meeting the day after (meeting half way as luckily we live in the same country) and spoke about things. I managed to accept that this was just something we needed to get over, and although it will remain in my thoughts for a long time, we could still be happy together. I asked him to promise me that if he ever liked her again he would tell me; I asked him several times over the following months whenever the conversation came up. He promised me each and every time so I felt confident that I had his trust. All was going well and we have had multiple meetings since then but we have had more problems than ever since January. We have been able to get over a lot of them and I have just put it down to being a bit of a rough patch again and something which will fade so long as we work hard at the relationship. However a couple of days ago we were speaking about our rough patch and he admitted to liking this girl a few times since January. It felt like everything was being thrown at me at once because not only had he lied and broke several promises, but I was back to feeling second best again.

I really don't know what to do. If it happens once it can happen again, which it has, and if it has happened again, surely it will a another time? We are able to meet next week if I decide that I want to but I am really confused. Would I just be preparing myself for another heartbreak by continuing the relationship and getting over this? The thing that gets to me most is that liking somebody is emotional as well as physical, you develop a friendship and an understanding in that person. It really hurt because I asked him what made the liking of her return and he said ''It would be stupid things like a laugh or a smile'' which broke me in two because these are the things that made us fall in love.

I don't know whether to accept that it has happened and put my faith into him trying his best to distance himself and not liking her or whether I should accept that it is inevitable and that we need to come to an end. He has apologised and has been very upset because he feels incredibly guilty and horrible about all that has happened.

I love him more than anything, he is my best friend as well as my boyfriend and I can't even imagine what life would be like without him. I don't think I need to explain how much he means to me because I'm sure the majority of us have felt that overwhelming love at one point or another. At the moment I feel like I'm about to jump off a cliff with a blind fold on, take a chance at whether I will land in the water or on the rocks.

Any help, advice or suggestions are appreciated. Thank you all.

[differentcountries]

First of all, don't ask for details you don't want.

Second of all, him liking another girl should not break your heart unless he starts to neglect you or treat you badly. You started off well by him being honest, but then the combination of your dissapointment and him still liking her made it impossable for him to tell the truth. You need to SHOW him you can take the truth if there is any point to it - but I am unsure if you can. If you want a guy who will never look at another woman besides you, this is not your man.

[ThePiedPiper]

First of all, don't ask for details you don't want.

Second of all, him liking another girl should not break your heart unless he starts to neglect you or treat you badly. You started off well by him being honest, but then the combination of your dissapointment and him still liking her made it impossable for him to tell the truth. You need to SHOW him you can take the truth if there is any point to it - but I am unsure if you can. If you want a guy who will never look at another woman besides you, this is not your man.

Just saying but looking at another man/woman is different than having feelings for them. Not everyone is okay or comfortable with that. OP, I will respond when not on my phone.

[differentcountries]

I know not everybody is comfortable with that, but I did not make her boyfriend to be smitten with another girl, that happened in this relationship and it happens in lots that are supposedly monogamous. People either get comfortable and wait for it to pass (if it does), they somehow change it or they call it quits. Noone can promise to stop having feelings and if she wants to stay and is not prepared for him having them for some time , she is simply tricking herself. I don't want that for her. If she wants to do it, it is better to let the illution of the perfect bf go and deal with the reality.

[Hollandia]

I am going to ask a really stupid thing, but do the teen threads want teen responses or not?

[piratemama]

I am going to ask a really stupid thing, but do the teen threads want teen responses or not?

Not a stupid question at all. I've wondered the same thing. If I have anything to add, I have done so in the past. It would be good to know what they want, though.

[loopsofmadness]

Hi again everyone, thanks for all the replies so far. - Piratemama and Hollandia, yes, please could you give me your advice or suggestions, this is fine regardless of age and all advice is better than no advice!

- differentcountries - I really like your first bit of advice. This has stuck in my head since I read it and I'm beginning to understand that I need to accept the whole thing generally rather than trying to accept every little detail. So thank you, the rest of your advice has been helpful too.

I look forward to reading the rest of the advice, thanks again!

[harl3yquinn]

As long as he isn't cheating. That's all that matters. I had plenty of dude crushes in my relationship. I didn't pursue them though. I was happy where I was. As long as he lets you check his messages and stuff I don't see an issue ^_^

[rhabdoviridae]

I think little crushes are fine, but if he's been liking this girl since last august, that seems a bit more serious. I would ask him if he wants to continue the relationship with you or not and go from there.

[lilspitfire]

No, you cannot expect your SO will never look at another person, but if they are continuously and willingly putting themselves in a situation with a person that they already confessed they started liking, I'd definitely be worried. Even the creator of this site said something similar in her E-book.

Don’t put yourself in certain situations. Although people in long distance
relationships don’t cheat any more than people in same city relationships, cheating
continues to be a big concern in LDRs. To avoid being accused of cheating, avoid
putting yourself in situations where cheating might actually be tempting. Don’t hang
around others that you know are into you or that at some point were interested in
before you started dating your long distance boyfriend/girlfriend. Just don’t hang out
alone with someone that might be a sexual interest. Don’t put yourself in any situation
that might be suspicious if your girlfriend/boyfriend found out about it. You will save
yourself a lot of trouble.

It works both ways. That you know are into you or you are into them. He's giving her a reason to be distrustful because he is not avoiding the girl he admitted to liking. I think people that do this are playing a game. Almost as if saying "I know this is wrong, but I will continue to do it anyway until you get so upset that you reach your breaking point and then I can turn the finger and point it at you for being insecure and jealous." Why would you continue to keep upsetting your SO? Everything is a variable. So he/she's a friend. So what? This is your SO. I can only bet if it was the other way around, he'd be having a fit.

[LovingAcrossTheAtlantic]

I think the biggest thing you need to do is tell him exactly how you feel, all your worries, and anything else you feel you should tell him.

Personally, if it was my boyfriend I would be very upset and concerned. I'd give him the option, her or me. And if he decided to stay with me I'd ask him to cut all contact with her. I'd also request passwords (Facebook ect) so that I could make sure he had cut ties. And since he broke your trust by lying to you, I think that is reasonable.

[differentcountries]

He is not going to forget her just because they dont speak, that is not how serious attraction works at all. The more you forbid something, the sweeter it will taste - and the more you seem like the police /his mum. Rather, if you want to get rid of her, try to know all about her, if possably form a separate relationship to her, pretend to like her, get to know your enimy. Use this info to slowly tear apart the attraction. That is how adults do it. Because they are clever. And it works.

[LovingAcrossTheAtlantic]

I completely disagree with different countries. That is not how many adults I know would ever handle a situation like that. And if her boyfriend found out that she went behind his back to tear apart the attraction, he could get even madder at her than he would be if she was upfront with him about what she wanted in order to save their relationship.

Not many adults would do something like that, not many that I know at least. That sounds like something girls at my old high school would say.

[RachelAnne]

He is not going to forget her just because they dont speak, that is not how serious attraction works at all. The more you forbid something, the sweeter it will taste - and the more you seem like the police /his mum. Rather, if you want to get rid of her, try to know all about her, if possably form a separate relationship to her, pretend to like her, get to know your enimy. Use this info to slowly tear apart the attraction. That is how adults do it. Because they are clever. And it works.

I'm sorry, what.

[CynicalQuixotic]

Not even touching the pile of WTF that is differentcountries' advice, people, this thread is more than three months old. Cut it out with the thread necromancy.