Hello everyone out there,
Please excuse my rather long posting style. Me and shortening things don’t do very well. I’ll try my best though.
So when I meet a guy on valves team fortress 2 I was kind of skeptical because of all the warning signs and what not about dating people online. However, after talking to him for almost a month we finally was just like it couldn’t hurt to try you know. It’s now edging to our 5th month dating and its been a roller coaster ride. Which sadly seems to be going really low right now and I sort of think and feel like it is my fault even though he tells me it’s not.
Here’s the thing, no one knows about us existing as an us but the TF2 community we both are under. This is because I am sadly, older than he is and his parents would strip everything from him if they found out about me. So that’s a strain on the relationship at times. Recently, he can only talk to me after 11 PM at night on Skype and he has a horrible case of falling asleep on me about 75% of the time within the first 15 minutes of a call. During the weekends we normally talk when he is at his grandparents’ house during the day.
Last night Skype didn’t work at all, so I was hoping to talk and play with him all day long. But that didn’t happen, in fact somehow I had pissed him off the night before and so this entire morning has been a drench. I asked him if he wanted an out of the relationship but he says he doesn’t, yet no amount of talking today ended in happiness but even more sadness and feeling horrible.
See, I think I’m the problem half the time on our fights. I get really upset when I can’t see him or miss him even once on Skype. The Skype calls are sometimes the only joy I get to see in a day. It makes me feel empty when we don’t/aren’t able to communicate. Because when we do it’s just me and him. When it’s via steam or TS, I’m not the main focus anymore, but our volunteer jobs on the servers attention.
I also have the most horrible persona, as I get kind of depressed or sad at the drop of a hat. I’ll begin to blame myself and feel kind of like a beaten dog. Sometimes, I even drag him into it by unintentionally blaming him, which makes me hate myself even more. I’ve never had a friendship last longer than a few months without them turning their back on me and giving up on me. So all I’ve really know is “It’s your fault killer, we hate you killer, I never really liked you” So to have someone that seems to genuinely care for me has a positive effect but also has a strong negative effect. Because suddenly I want to test them to see how much trust I can put into them and it’s generally not pretty.
Pose means everything to me right now. He’s the reason I finally have hope for a future, for a family, for a life. I’ve never dreamed about anything so wonderful in all my life. However, my aura blackens day by day because I fear that one day all my issues will snap and he will leave me like everyone else has in my life. He says he loves me and I trust him when he says it, I just fear how long that remains true. I don’t know what to do.
So guys and girls, I need help. This guy could very well be the guy I could spend my life with, I just have to seriously fix myself if I’m going to make it a happy one.
How does an unsocialized, unsure, sometimes needy, and completely and utterly clueless about how relationships work or last…. Improve so that even if he isn’t the right one, that if the right one comes along I don’t scare him off. I can’t even look at my own parents for help because they hardly speak. Sometimes I wonder why they are not divorced, nor would they even consider helping me with someone younger than me.
What makes a good girlfriend? I want to improve for him. He thinks or at least lies and says I’m fine now, but I’m not fine with myself I am fully ashamed of my actions but idk how to stop them. He doesn’t ever say “killer stop” or show any authority which is something I need to stop me in my tracks at times when I get kind of off on my uncontrolled tangents.
But yes. Please, I look to the community of people like us. I want this to work. I want to stop going to bed sad and knowing he is too. I want to be able to lift us both up in happiness. I just don’t know how.
Thank you guys.
Please excuse my rather long posting style. Me and shortening things don’t do very well. I’ll try my best though.
So when I meet a guy on valves team fortress 2 I was kind of skeptical because of all the warning signs and what not about dating people online. However, after talking to him for almost a month we finally was just like it couldn’t hurt to try you know. It’s now edging to our 5th month dating and its been a roller coaster ride. Which sadly seems to be going really low right now and I sort of think and feel like it is my fault even though he tells me it’s not.
Here’s the thing, no one knows about us existing as an us but the TF2 community we both are under. This is because I am sadly, older than he is and his parents would strip everything from him if they found out about me. So that’s a strain on the relationship at times. Recently, he can only talk to me after 11 PM at night on Skype and he has a horrible case of falling asleep on me about 75% of the time within the first 15 minutes of a call. During the weekends we normally talk when he is at his grandparents’ house during the day.
Last night Skype didn’t work at all, so I was hoping to talk and play with him all day long. But that didn’t happen, in fact somehow I had pissed him off the night before and so this entire morning has been a drench. I asked him if he wanted an out of the relationship but he says he doesn’t, yet no amount of talking today ended in happiness but even more sadness and feeling horrible.
See, I think I’m the problem half the time on our fights. I get really upset when I can’t see him or miss him even once on Skype. The Skype calls are sometimes the only joy I get to see in a day. It makes me feel empty when we don’t/aren’t able to communicate. Because when we do it’s just me and him. When it’s via steam or TS, I’m not the main focus anymore, but our volunteer jobs on the servers attention.
I also have the most horrible persona, as I get kind of depressed or sad at the drop of a hat. I’ll begin to blame myself and feel kind of like a beaten dog. Sometimes, I even drag him into it by unintentionally blaming him, which makes me hate myself even more. I’ve never had a friendship last longer than a few months without them turning their back on me and giving up on me. So all I’ve really know is “It’s your fault killer, we hate you killer, I never really liked you” So to have someone that seems to genuinely care for me has a positive effect but also has a strong negative effect. Because suddenly I want to test them to see how much trust I can put into them and it’s generally not pretty.
Pose means everything to me right now. He’s the reason I finally have hope for a future, for a family, for a life. I’ve never dreamed about anything so wonderful in all my life. However, my aura blackens day by day because I fear that one day all my issues will snap and he will leave me like everyone else has in my life. He says he loves me and I trust him when he says it, I just fear how long that remains true. I don’t know what to do.
So guys and girls, I need help. This guy could very well be the guy I could spend my life with, I just have to seriously fix myself if I’m going to make it a happy one.
How does an unsocialized, unsure, sometimes needy, and completely and utterly clueless about how relationships work or last…. Improve so that even if he isn’t the right one, that if the right one comes along I don’t scare him off. I can’t even look at my own parents for help because they hardly speak. Sometimes I wonder why they are not divorced, nor would they even consider helping me with someone younger than me.
What makes a good girlfriend? I want to improve for him. He thinks or at least lies and says I’m fine now, but I’m not fine with myself I am fully ashamed of my actions but idk how to stop them. He doesn’t ever say “killer stop” or show any authority which is something I need to stop me in my tracks at times when I get kind of off on my uncontrolled tangents.
But yes. Please, I look to the community of people like us. I want this to work. I want to stop going to bed sad and knowing he is too. I want to be able to lift us both up in happiness. I just don’t know how.
Thank you guys.
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