Teens I need help improving myself for the one i love

[KillerQueen]

Hello everyone out there,
Please excuse my rather long posting style. Me and shortening things don’t do very well. I’ll try my best though.

So when I meet a guy on valves team fortress 2 I was kind of skeptical because of all the warning signs and what not about dating people online. However, after talking to him for almost a month we finally was just like it couldn’t hurt to try you know. It’s now edging to our 5th month dating and its been a roller coaster ride. Which sadly seems to be going really low right now and I sort of think and feel like it is my fault even though he tells me it’s not.

Here’s the thing, no one knows about us existing as an us but the TF2 community we both are under. This is because I am sadly, older than he is and his parents would strip everything from him if they found out about me. So that’s a strain on the relationship at times. Recently, he can only talk to me after 11 PM at night on Skype and he has a horrible case of falling asleep on me about 75% of the time within the first 15 minutes of a call. During the weekends we normally talk when he is at his grandparents’ house during the day.
Last night Skype didn’t work at all, so I was hoping to talk and play with him all day long. But that didn’t happen, in fact somehow I had pissed him off the night before and so this entire morning has been a drench. I asked him if he wanted an out of the relationship but he says he doesn’t, yet no amount of talking today ended in happiness but even more sadness and feeling horrible.
See, I think I’m the problem half the time on our fights. I get really upset when I can’t see him or miss him even once on Skype. The Skype calls are sometimes the only joy I get to see in a day. It makes me feel empty when we don’t/aren’t able to communicate. Because when we do it’s just me and him. When it’s via steam or TS, I’m not the main focus anymore, but our volunteer jobs on the servers attention.

I also have the most horrible persona, as I get kind of depressed or sad at the drop of a hat. I’ll begin to blame myself and feel kind of like a beaten dog. Sometimes, I even drag him into it by unintentionally blaming him, which makes me hate myself even more. I’ve never had a friendship last longer than a few months without them turning their back on me and giving up on me. So all I’ve really know is “It’s your fault killer, we hate you killer, I never really liked you” So to have someone that seems to genuinely care for me has a positive effect but also has a strong negative effect. Because suddenly I want to test them to see how much trust I can put into them and it’s generally not pretty.
Pose means everything to me right now. He’s the reason I finally have hope for a future, for a family, for a life. I’ve never dreamed about anything so wonderful in all my life. However, my aura blackens day by day because I fear that one day all my issues will snap and he will leave me like everyone else has in my life. He says he loves me and I trust him when he says it, I just fear how long that remains true. I don’t know what to do.

So guys and girls, I need help. This guy could very well be the guy I could spend my life with, I just have to seriously fix myself if I’m going to make it a happy one.
How does an unsocialized, unsure, sometimes needy, and completely and utterly clueless about how relationships work or last…. Improve so that even if he isn’t the right one, that if the right one comes along I don’t scare him off. I can’t even look at my own parents for help because they hardly speak. Sometimes I wonder why they are not divorced, nor would they even consider helping me with someone younger than me.

What makes a good girlfriend? I want to improve for him. He thinks or at least lies and says I’m fine now, but I’m not fine with myself I am fully ashamed of my actions but idk how to stop them. He doesn’t ever say “killer stop” or show any authority which is something I need to stop me in my tracks at times when I get kind of off on my uncontrolled tangents.

But yes. Please, I look to the community of people like us. I want this to work. I want to stop going to bed sad and knowing he is too. I want to be able to lift us both up in happiness. I just don’t know how.
Thank you guys.

[R&R]

You need to want to improve for yourself, not anyone else or for a relationship. From what you've posted, it sounds like you need to step back from any type of romantic relationship until you can be happy with yourself and be able to be happy by yourself. A relationship should enhance your life and not become your life. You are putting too much pressure on him and this relationship.

I would highly suggest seeking out a professional therapist to help you deal with your emotions, interactions with others and help you build the confidence you need in yourself as a person.

[ThePiedPiper]

You need to want to improve for yourself, not anyone else or for a relationship. From what you've posted, it sounds like you need to step back from any type of romantic relationship until you can be happy with yourself and be able to be happy by yourself. A relationship should enhance your life and not become your life. You are putting too much pressure on him and this relationship.

I would highly suggest seeking out a professional therapist to help you deal with your emotions, interactions with others and help you build the confidence you need in yourself as a person.

I agree with this.

It sounds like you have a pattern of relationships where people leave as a result of certain behaviours. As someone who had a similar pattern, I have to say that putting an end to the pattern is the only way you're going to break it - and that starts and ends with you. Whether it's the fact that you're choosing the wrong people to spend your time with or you're actually pushing decent people away because of your fears, the pattern is still in your hands and under your control. It sounds like it's deep rooted enough that it's possibly worth considering working with a professional. I spent years in therapy and was able to work out several patterns of mine that I had developed as a result of actions I was unintentionally causing/bringing into my life. It sounds like you could do the same, but you need to do this because you WANT to bring the positive change into your life, not because you're scared you'll lose your boyfriend if you don't. You want to be able to live with yourself at the end of the day because you want to like your reflection, not because you don't want your boyfriend to let go.

[ronjaandbirk]

Hello

I'm sorry you're having such a hard time.
I agree that you have to want to improve for yourself, and that wanting to improve for others doesn't help a thing. However, from reading your post I feel thats what you actually want, that you already aren't happy with yourself regardless of your relationship or not. Maybe stop asking "How to be a good girlfriend", and start asking how can I be a better, happier person in general.

I am finding it a bit problematic to advise people to get out of relationships until they are happy with themselves tbh. I think everyone has their issues somehow, and something about telling people they are not fit for relationships really bugs me... It's not anyone's place to tell you that imo.

That being said, I think trying out professional help is not a bad idea. I think you already know where your issues are you just need help and recipes to tackle them maybe and you can get great professional help for that. I understand it's scary but these people talk to people with simliar issues everyday and there is nothing wrong or embvarrassing about asking them for help-- thats what they are around for!

As for your relationship: try to chill a bit. Take it one day at a time and don't think about the future too much. Enjoy each others company and give him the possibilitie to enjoy you. If you always only talk about sadness there will be no happiness left eventually, so even if you feel there is an isue don't insist on talking it out immediatly. Give you and him some time to cool off first and to think about it rationaly. Many things seem less harsh after a bit of thinking first already.

I don't know if any of this helped haha, but good luck to you!

[KillerQueen]

Thank you ronja.

I want to fix myself for more then just to keep this relationship but also to help me in the future. I've commited to him, and i love him, But i also want to know what its like to have friends to. Theres no worse promise to break then a promise to your self. I'll try and see if i can get any professional help me, him, and people trying to be my friend. I'm realizing I need to relax some, and I will be working on that more and more. I think I've slowly been able to pin point what gets me upset and now that i know whats wrong it will help to implant things to distract me from it. One of the hardest things that i'm going through is having someone there by my side actually wanting to understand me. I've had to go from a mindset of being rather independant and single to having someone there and needing to be a little less independant in some aspects like opening up to him. Because going from a heavily guarded heart to letting someone in can be pretty difficult.


Soo i'll take everyones advise and look for counseling.
However, i don't think throwing away someone you love and hold dear as a good start up to getting better. Because for every pound of sorrow I have, the pounds of happiness that follows is just not worth giving up from him. Because he's one of the only people i can count on to make me happy just the moment i see him. From what i hear and am being told, both our days get better the moment we see each other. I don't want to give up on the person making me happy, and the person that i make happy. I just need to learn to stablize for the better of everyone im around, both family and outside family.

[p_b82]

Having seen a friend couple that one of them was the rock to the other one's mental fragility, I would say don't ever take the fact that he makes you happy, and you him for granted.

It is great that you sound like you want to alter your behaviour for all the right reasons, and leaning on your partner for support is perfect to help you start to get through the early stages of getting yourself on the straighter and narrower, but remember that you are the one that does have to stand on your own two feet by the end of the process so don't rely on your SO too much

Good luck!

[Tomlovesher]

A fight is always 2 ends who're disagreeing. Never is it one person's fault.

Just be yourself, try to keep communicating, no matter how hard it is.

[snow]

I met my man when I was in a very dark place, depressed, self-loathing, etc. etc. and there were a lot of people who told me I should just stop seeing him until I can be happy with myself. Lo and behold, 2 and a half years later we are about to get married, so don't get discouraged, just because things don't work out the way you think they should.

The first thing you need to do is stop worrying that he will leave you. I know it sounds easier than it is, but if he says he loves you and you trust him, you gotta show him that you trust him. By testing him you are showing him that you are not trusting him. I still have episodes where I worry if he will stay with me forever and it's hurting him as much as it hurts me, because he has chosen me and I should really stop worrying about stuff like that.
Secondly, you will need to enjoy the time that you spend on the server. My man and I started out on a video game in a gaming community ourselves and I had really strict parents who would turn off my internet so I couldn't talk to him, so I can relate. Which means, you will have to make sure that the time you do spend together is used well. If you play the same game, talk to each other, engage in playful banter, just have fun! If your community is supportive of your relationship then that's even better. You will have to understand that ANY time spend with him is better than none, even if that means you have to share him with a couple people while you are playing with them. It'll take some pressure off of him, because he's probably not very happy that he is missing out on time with you when he falls asleep.

Other than that, be good to yourself. You are not the problem. You have baggage and you two need to figure things out. I had baggage and it took us a long, long time to work through it, but we're stronger for it. In fact, the very fact that you want to work on yourself to become a better person makes you a better person. Talk about why things bother you, why you tick the way you tick so he can understand it too and not get upset with you.

There is no strict rules to a good relationship, it's a give and take between two people. What works for you and your SO might be completely different than what works for me and my man. Take it day by day and enjoy yourself. He chose you! Celebrate that every day!