How do I address this without stirring up trouble?

[CandiCandi]

So, I'm pregnant. We're not in the best situation, financially, but we're going to be applying for assistance and all that soon. Anyway, my fiance has a biological son from another relationship and one he considers his stepson. Anyway, this week, I got some money sent to me from my family. I asked my fiance if he'd go with me to get something special for the baby. We don't know the gender so it does make it a bit harder, but anyway. I have this massive fear he's going to play favorites with my kid and his kids. Sometimes, not so much, but others it's more apparent. Just this weekend, he'd asked me if I could get Lunchables for his kid instead. Sometimes, I constantly feel as if I'm getting one thing after another for his kid. Now mind you, I get along with his children. There's no arguments or any of that sort. Me and his ex-girlfriend are now on civil terms, BUT... again, I just want to see him want to do something special for OUR kid. How do I address the issue of me being afraid of favoritism? Also, his other kids are capable of getting next to anything they want, because their mom has a good job. My fiance is always talking about how when he used to live with his ex-girlfriend, the kids bedroom was stacked high with toys. I know for a fact that my kid is not going to get the same treatment. Maybe it's a good thing, in a way, because his kids - as much as I get along with them - especially the youngest - freaks the fuck out if he doesn't get his way. Anyway...just looking for advice about talking to my fiance about my fear without him getting upset or taking it the wrong way.

[Haley53]

I would honestly start by telling him that the money was given to you so that you could buy something nice for your baby and refuse to get his child Lunchables. It's possible that, depending on how far along you are in the pregnancy, it hasn't quite become "real" to him yet, or something you have to prepare for, but that doesn't mean that his child should get your child's spending money.

If I were you, I... personally wouldn't approach the issue of favouritism. I would breathe through it and be assertive about what money was for your child and that his money for his other children could be sorted out between him, his family, you when you have the money, and the children's mother. There's nothing wrong about wanting to spend money on your baby. However, as I said, it's possible he's not playing favourites at all, but rather wanting to devote the money to what's currently tangible for him. I would wait and see how he actually treats the new child before bringing up any fear of favouritism, or at least bring up the fear if it becomes more apparent after the child/having a baby becomes more "real" to him, so to speak (I'm not sure how far you are along).

To me, it doesn't sound like he's playing favourites or showing evidence that he will. It simply shows that right now, his priorities for spending money are on the children that are actually born, so perhaps incorporating him into more pregnant mother/daddy involvement might help him prioritise his unborn a little higher, but I can see where he would want to spend money on his children, especially if he doesn't get to regularly due to not having the funding. However, I do not personally see it as evidence of favouritism.

[Softy]

What makes you think there will be favoritism?

[XxFranticLovexX]

The thing with pregnancy is, as much as you may not want to hear this, there is a higher chance of losing the baby within the first trimester, if it's your first pregnancy, or you're really young. Maybe he isn't wanting to rush into planning for the child right now because of these things. I have also heard that a father becomes a parent once he sees the child, so maybe he just isn't grasping the concept completely just yet. Either way, I wouldn't question him on it just yet. Wait it out and see if it still seems this way to you later in your pregnancy or after the child is born.

[Zephii]

Even with his own kids, it probably took him a while to feel that the pregnancy was real. It takes our partners longer to really know/feel that this massive change is coming, even when they have had kids before. We feel all these changes in our own bodies so it's very real from the outset, but for them it's not til much later that they can interact with our pregnancies. It's not til later that it's fun and real and half as exciting. SO my guess is, he's just not at that stage yet. It's not that he favours his other kids over your baby - it's that he has children that he can see/hear/interact with while the child you have together is only an abstract at the moment.

I do think there will be some differences, because (I'm told!) no two kids can be parented the same - different things work for different kids. He might also have parenting regrets that he doesn't want to repeat. But I don't think you need to worry about favoritism just yet.

[CandiCandi]

The thing with pregnancy is, as much as you may not want to hear this, there is a higher chance of losing the baby within the first trimester, if it's your first pregnancy, or you're really young. Maybe he isn't wanting to rush into planning for the child right now because of these things. I have also heard that a father becomes a parent once he sees the child, so maybe he just isn't grasping the concept completely just yet. Either way, I wouldn't question him on it just yet. Wait it out and see if it still seems this way to you later in your pregnancy or after the child is born.

I really don't think this had anything to do with it. However, I actually did end up having a miscarriage. I ended up being diagnosed with a pretty hefty disorder as well. I do not want to disclose what it is as it's pretty personal. I actually asked my fiance not to tell people I had it as well. People are hypothesizing I lost our baby because it may have been developmentally flawed, but in reality, we already know why, I just don't wish to share.

We are both pretty devastated. It has forced us to talk about the issue of having children, how this last pregnancy was treated. My fiance has basically admitted that this could have been handled better. His issue was that he was scared. What sucks is right as I had this miscarriage was when I felt like he was starting to change. This last pregnancy was not a planned pregnancy, nor was the one he had with his ex-girlfriend. He was afraid of failure, basically because he feels as if he's feeling like he's failing the other kids (including his kinda sorta stepson). We didn't really address the favoritism, but we did address that with what I was diagnosed with, if I got pregnant again...everything is going to be much different. We did decide that we would wait until the twelve week period to tell anybody if I got pregnant again. One thing about this pregnancy is he hardly wanted to tell anybody which was something else that we got in arguments about. He wanted to, just at a different time than I did.

He's actually pretty emotionally wound up. I called him at work to give him the news and then when he came home, I gave him a more in depth response and he actually cried. The disorder I have may mean that this miscarriage was the one and only child we will ever have, minus adoption. However, they did tell me we may have a window of time where I actually can get pregnant. We will be finding out really soon. If so, this time, we're actually going to be TRYING to conceive. If it doesn't happen for us, we will adopt at a later date. I have discussed with my fiance how hard it is to be a stepmom and just that and watch him bond with his son or his ex-girlfriend over their son and not have my own child and to have lost the one we did get the chance to have. Again, we are all civil, but the pain is still there...

ETA: I still do feel as if the issue of favoritism was there and I wasn't wrong about it. However, I would like to say that he has been extremely supportive through the miscarriage and we're closer than ever right now. He actually does want to try again if we have a window where I can pregnant so that is making me feel just a tad bit better, but I still feel pretty horrible.

[lucybelle]

So sorry to hear about the miscarriage. Hope you are able to have (or adopt) a healthy baby in the future.

Best wishes.

[Kanga]

I'm sorry for your loss. I'm hoping you will be able to have children and adopt. Also, I understand the chance of not being able to have children, I found out recently I have PCOS. It comes with some issues one being infertility.

Good luck with everything!

[Tooki]

I'm sorry about the miscarriage

[CandiCandi]

Thanks everybody. To be honest, I feel quite alone about it these days. My fiance is excited about creating another child, but on the other hand, I have a few concerns. There are days where this miscarriage just drains me and sometimes, I feel alone now. He doesn't really open up about it. I don't want to get too into it, but let's just leave it at that. We have his son for the first time after the miscarriage this weekend and I don't know how I am going to handle watching him bond with him, not to mention his ex-girlfriend. Although, we're civil, it's only for the kids. It doesn't mean I like her. It just kills me that someone as selfish as her can have children and is one of those "I took my birth control pills" when she really didn't women. Calls her children assholes, dates a murderer (she goes to see her boyfriend in prison once a month), refuses to clean up after herself, and just so much more. I would have AND will be a great fucking mother, but someone like that...

I keep getting the "maybe it wasn't your time". I want to be like, "And it was A's then? Both times? And it's the 16 and Pregnant girls time?" Okay....

[snow_girl]

I'm sorry for your loss, I know it must be hard. You can't compare yourself to others because it will just make you more upset. When I was sick I asked myself the same thing, why do I take care of my body but still have this happen to me while others drink loads, smoke etc and not a thing happens. You have to get that out of your head, yes I know it isn't fair, but thats life. It's very possible I will have a hell of a time trying to conceive when the time comes, but that just means I'm going to have to want it that much more and work a little harder to get what I want. I can't resent everyone that gets pregnant cause I don't think they are worthy of it.