Planning children

[differentcountries]

I wonder has anyone here planned children with someone not knowing when or of the distance can be closed? or just had it happen by accident... Just wondering if everyone is a very neat and patient planner. Any thoughts?

[snow_girl]

I personally think it would be silly to plan to have a child not knowing when you could close the distance. Planning to have one one day when you are together is fine, nothing wrong with knowing what you want.

[Dezface]

I believe there are people here who have done that. I could not, however. I wanted children badly. I would cry to my SO about it on the phone often. We planned to start trying for a baby once we were together and it was feasible. It never even occurred to me to try it long distance.

I would definitely prefer to not go through pregnancy alone and I sure wouldn't want to raise a child alone. I understand it happens but it's not a situation I would knowingly get myself into.

[differentcountries]

Thanks for your replies. I am not currently planning children, however I would like to have one day. What I mean, is; I am soon turning 34. I am likely to be in a LDR for some time to come. I checked my fertilty some years ago and it was fine then. If, let's say me and my SO are still togheter in 5 years, I will be bordering 40 and my fertility will likely have dropped and dropping fast each year. What if we still would have to wait? He said after school he wants to start a businiss (he studies hotel management), I see the years ticking. I don't know, maybe people who are/want to become pregnant use this a means to actually close the distance? For instance applying for family-related visas and so on? Sometimes I envy people who are not perfectionists and who allow themselve to be careless.... It is like their sloppyness are giving them a free pass. Yesterday my SO went to see his cousin, who just gave birth to a girl they are naming after his late sister - the whole family is exited about it, which makes me a bit envious. We have not yet talked about children as that would be WAY way to early, but I get the sense he would like that in the future, that it is really a given to him to have children (he himself has 5 brothers), becaue he has done the "well how can LDR lead to a happy family life with children"-argument.

[Rachelm920]

Well I can say honestly in September my SO and I had a pregnancy scare. I'm not going to lie. I accidentally missed a pill and then was a week late. It freaked us both out. I was freaked out about going through a pregnancy alone, and he kept saying "it's too soon". Needless to say it was just a scare but it woke me up a bit. (I now have an alarm on my phone to take my pill every night)

We have discussed the possibility of having a child (or 2) together. We are both 34, so the whole biological clock thing is an issue here too. I already have 2 girls, and always wanted a boy. But after the whole "scare" incident, I will plan the child and our distance will be closed by that time (and we'll be married), but I definitely want to before 40 as well.

[80anthea]

I'm a single parent to a wonderful little girl but it's hard work, have you seriously considered the implications on you of having a baby where you will be on your own for a lot of the time? Do you have a lot of support around you where you live now? How would your SO feel about not being there for the day to day stuff? They change so quickly when they are babies it would be incredibly tough on him also not there to see her/him develop daily.

I have to say it's not a situation I would plan to be in.

[lucybelle]

If you can't be together until you're 40+ and you want a child- ADOPT!

[differentcountries]

Thanks for your replies. I know it is a sensitive subject. Nice to see that I am not alone in going through the age scare I know it is a bit early in our relationship to be thinking about this, but I feel like I have postphoned children for many years already. I have not yet experienced any problems with birth control; I am very strict on condoms as for now and I think I will switch to either copper spiral or hormonal spiral (is that the English word? the coiled thing that you get a doctor to put inside you). Then I will not have to think about birth control for 5 years (and I guess he will like loosing the condoms, too). Really, I would like everything to very neat before I get a child; I know the appartment is too small, I don't make enough money and I would like to have a more permanent job. Like I said, we have not even discussed it and I feel if we did it should be when he gets here in...73 days, not over the phone or Skype. But I feel that it is part of a discussion we should be having at some point in the next couple of years. I would like to hear more about how he feels about children, which is equally important as to how I feel about it. Just nice to get your responses on the theme.

ps; in Norway, couples where one of the couple is over 40 are not allowed to be screened for international adoption. And even if you are a foster parent to a child for several years it is hard to adopt nationally because of our strict adoption laws. So sadly, adoption is for the young in our country. But we Norwegians do get acess to almost free assisted conception attemts, though. Something to think about...

[snow]

I think I wouldn't want to go through pregnancy while being long distance. It would cause a lot of trouble with the immigration process and it would make it hard for us to close the distance. I know if I got pregnant now people here would support us and help us out the best way they can, but we both want our kids to have a good life and that means we'll have to work for a couple more years to have the place and means for them to have a good life.
We did agree that we want to have kids within the next 5 years and he wants to be "done making kids" by the time he's 37 (in 5 years) so I think it'll happen soon after I move here, but not before. It would just slow down the fiancée visa, it could cause me to give birth in Austria and make it harder for me to get back into the states. Too many risks.

[ethelynn]

But you will also have your husband by your side. If you don't mind me asking, you only want to have kids with your SO and not your husband?

[80anthea]

But you will also have your husband by your side. If you don't mind me asking, you only want to have kids with your SO and not your husband?

Actually that's a good point that I hadn't realised, @Differentcountries, how will a child work in a polyamourous relationship?

[differentcountries]

I guess having children in polyamorous relationships can work any number of ways. It is a little soon to tell how ours will work because I think it is something the three of us need to discuss when he comes here, but my initial thoughts is that I want to have children with both of them, some time in the future, and that we all should share the parental burdens & joys somehow. I am sure it would really depend (as my husband pointed out when we discussed it briefly) on weather or not the distance will be closed. Because as long as the distance is not closed, all practical matters will fall on the two of us. Of couse most of the joys as well...) My boyfriend is only 27 so I think being a father is not the first thing on his mind, but he did actually mention having children as one of the things he wishes in his future (don't know if that is why I think of it so much).

[80anthea]

I guess having children in polyamorous relationships can work any number of ways. It is a little soon to tell how ours will work because I think it is something the three of us need to discuss when he comes here, but my initial thoughts is that I want to have children with both of them, some time in the future, and that we all should share the parental burdens & joys somehow. I am sure it would really depend (as my husband pointed out when we discussed it briefly) on weather or not the distance will be closed. Because as long as the distance is not closed, all practical matters will fall on the two of us. Of couse most of the joys as well...) My boyfriend is only 27 so I think being a father is not the first thing on his mind, but he did actually mention having children as one of the things he wishes in his future (don't know if that is why I think of it so much).

So, if you close the distance will you all live together in one house? How will that work out? Would you alternate which bed you slept in? Sorry, please tell me if I'm being too nosey and asking too many questions I'm just genuinely curious as I've never spoken to anyone else in a polyamorous relationship before.

[differentcountries]

So, if you close the distance will you all live together in one house? How will that work out? Would you alternate which bed you slept in? Sorry, please tell me if I'm being too nosey and asking too many questions I'm just genuinely curious as I've never spoken to anyone else in a polyamorous relationship before.

Actually, I am a little curious myself! My bf is coming over for 10 days next month and we are saving big discussions for then. Bf will then start working season, after that I hope he can stay in Norway for 6-12 months, maybe to study Norwegian (I am pretty sure he will qualify for student visa). At some point he will have to do military service 6 months... Anyway nothing is settled. And I am on hormonal UID now, so there will be no unplanned children!

The thing I came up with yesterday for living arrangements (when/if we close the distance at least temporarily), is that if me and my husband buy a little house (I have a specific type in mind, in our area) that has a subletting part/smaller appartment in it, then me and my husband could be subletting it to me and my boyfriend. And then we would be living in the same house, though not in the same appartment. I would just have to walk up/down one set of stairs. We know some people that live three in the same house, but their house is huge and expensive and we could never afford that, also I have shared a flat with my husband 8 years so it would be strange to have boyfriend in, at least too soon.

Anyway yes; the idea is that I will spend every other night with one of them.

[lucybelle]

Your relationship plans sound much more like polyandry than polyamorous.