So I just realized…

[C.C.]

Erwin, I'm sorry for being harsh, but when your son is grown and is questioning why you abandoned him (and he will see it that way), are you going to tell him you were afraid his mother would hit you? I'm afraid that's not going to cut it with him. You need to do better by him, a little boy needs his father. Don't be a push-over, figure it out before the years have slipped by and it's too late. Autumn's idea of a body cam was a really good point.

THIS. So much of this.
I was hesitant whether to write it or not but I absolutely agree and I know it from my experience too. I am sorry to be harsh as well and I don't mean anything negative with it, I want to help you if anything.

As kids grow up, they see more adult sides of their parents, they see their problems, flaws, etc. They see things way clearer.

But your son will lose respect for you when he realises that you haven't really been there much, when you haven't helped him in his issues with his mother, when you haven't seen his development, etc, etc. Trust me, divorced parents' kids get traumatised enough, but if they see that the other parent wasn't around as much, they start losing familiarity and closeness with them, and eventually respect too. You might say that it's your ex's fault. But if your son realises that too and years have gone by and the situation has stayed this way, he's going to feel worse about it. Because you didn't stand up to her and you didn't help your son not to be left at her hands/abused by her. He needs your presence, he needs someone he can trust that will be around, listen to him, teach him, share his emotions and will help him out if needed. Kids look up to their parents, kids need their parents, give it to him while it's not too late.

I have never had a good relationship with my mother, our personalities clash and I don't think highly of her way of parenting, honestly. She's not violent but she's been emotionally abusive. But even then, even despite having fought with her a lot throughout my teen years and even despite me feeling alone all the time, I still appreciate her a lot more. Because she tried her best to give me everything, materialistic at least, she has always worked hard to raise me alone and give me the stuff I needed, give me proper education, food, clothes, etc. Whereas I have always felt that I could connect with my father emotionally way better, but... he simply hasn't been around enough. And I have heard quite a bit excuses, but I don't think they justify anything. It's sad, I have thought highly of him even in the past, but it's all just gone now, I don't hate him but I feel like the possibility of us being close is forever lost even if he's been somehow trying to make it happen lately.

[erwin1973]

Thank you.
And no, you're not harsh, either. I've been around here long enough to diverse harshness from honesty, and I know you all mean the best.
I didn't see it that, way, actually, so I thank you for your insight. You absolutely have a point. I'll be going soon (our next orignally planned meeting, that is). Tnx. I appreciate it.