Apart until April 30th....

[Pvarner930]

Hi Everyone-

I have to say that I hesitant to post here, but I'm in need of help and I feel like this community may be very understanding and have some words of wisdom to impart...

So, my girlfriend and I have been together for about a year and a half. We had an incredible bond from the moment that we first met, and have been practically inseparable ever since. We decided to move in together in May after about 8 months of being together, which although seems short, it just seemed to make sense for us, and we wanted more than anything to have a place we could call our own. She is currently a student in college while I just graduated in May, and in her program of study they require students to go abroad for a semester. It is an INCREDIBLE opportunity to have and when I was in school I actually did the same program that she is doing currently. So from the first moment we started dating we knew that this time apart was looming. She left on January 8th and I just recently booked my plane ticket to go travel with her for 3 weeks on April 30th.

I know there are so many others who are in much more difficult and permanent situations than I am in, but I'm having a really tough time. I am anxious, I am constantly monitoring my phone to see when she was last online, and I go crazy in my mind if God forbid I don't hear from her for an extended period of time, especially when I know that she has seen my messages (thanks WhatsApp). I've started seeing a therapist, not only to deal with her absence, but for other issues as well, but I'm still not able to get out of my own way in the relationship. I take everything so personally, every time I know she's on her phone and she doesn't contact me, I take as a direct offense and I am just simply tired of it, and not emotionally capable of continuing down that path. She is growing and having such an amazing time, and I feel like a burden to her. I want to grow, too, and spend this time really getting to know myself, and make positive and productive changes in my life, but I'm just feeling deflated by the lack of my best friend in my life...

Does anyone have any ideas as to how I can be less dependent on what she is doing in any given moment, and actually focus the time and energy on myself that I deserve? Or any other tips for being away from one's significant other?

Thank you all so much. I really appreciate your time.

[piratemama]

Welcome to the forum. All I can say for your situation is that you might be smothering her. Most people don't want to feel hovered over that much. Concern and worry is one thing, but it can be carried too far. Try to force yourself to focus on the positive and to trust unless given a very good reason not to. Time flies and you'll be together soon. The distance is hard. I'm always having to talk to myself and keep my mind from wandering to the worse-case scenarios. It takes effort.

You aren't a burden to her, though. I'm sure she is glad to have you in her life. Just because she is away from you doesn't mean she doesn't need you.

Talk with her about how you are feeling. Maybe she can reassure you.

[abna1]

Welcome to LFAD. First of all, I'd like to say that it's all about what you are used to. If you two were with each other 24/7 the past months, then it's understandable that you're feeling this way. Especially, if you're still in the same environment and she is somewhere new. I think piratemama already gave some good advice there.
April 30th is not too far away. What are your plans now that you've graduated ? There's many things you could do. An internship, trying a new hobby...
It will make time go so much faster and you'll be doing something good for yourself. Plus, you'll have interesting things to share with her when you're able to chat. Of course, you'll be thinking about her a lot, but don't let that get in the way of things you would like to do. Your visit will be there before you know it.

[differentcountries]

Meditation is amazing to help dropping the little worries. Plus then you would grow and learn, too. I do tibetan buddhist style meditation, there are as lots of others types, too. If you can afford the time and money to take a weekend course you can start to learn more. Pema Chodron 's book "When things fall apart" spoke right into my control issues and abandonment issues.

[Pvarner930]

Thank you for your really thoughtful replies so far. I think you sort of hit the nail on the head piratemama. I do feel like I'm smothering her, because in some deluded part of my brain I think that if I'm not telling her how much I love her regularly, she's going to forget. Which is TOTALLY CRAZY. I went to school for acting and luckily start rehearsals for a new project tomorrow, which will be really great and will take me through mid-April.

I so badly want to give her the space to have her own experiences and give her the room to grow and change, and because of lots of ongoing changes in my life (just graduating from school etc) I'm scared. There is always a voice that pops up in my head that tells me to send her that text, or try calling just once more, and its literally making me crazy! I don't want to be that kind of boyfriend to her, both her and I deserve better than that.

[squeeker]

When reading your posts.. I think that maybe you might want to try and schedule certain times when you can talk.. I don't know how structured her schedule it is.. and for that you might have to go day by day or week by week.. but maybe come to some kind of discussion about times you will talk or send a message.. or maybe she could send you an email or message telling you about how her day is at a certain time of the day each day.. or a similar time. Maybe she could start a blog or share videos or pictures with you to help you feel more included.

I mention the schedule thing because I know - especially at the beginning of our relationship when we were still figuring things out - if I was used to him being online at a certain time and he wasn't and he didn't say anything about why he wouldn't be... I would get worried.. now I don't as much.. though if it's for more than a few hours I start to panic more. But still I know the things he is likely doing so my mind can jump to likely scenarios.

Try not to worry.. I think you should try and talk with her about developing a more consistent times to talk.. this way you can maybe settle your mind more throughout the rest of the day.. and maybe you can find a hobby or something that will occupy your time when you can't talk to her. Try not to worry, you won't be apart long, and it is good she can have this experience. And I'm sure if you two are able to stick through this, you will have many exciting adventures in the future as a couple! So.. stay strong!

[pymuto]

Hey Pvarner930! I'm actually in a situation quite similar to yours. I've been with my boyfriend for almost a year and a half, and we were inseparable from the start as well. I was also practically living with him although it wasn't official because it was in a little studio. In July he left to study abroad for a year, and although I know it's a great experience for him, I am constantly worried and do pretty much everything you described in your post! Which of these tips has helped you the most? I still have a very hard time getting on with my days, and feel depressed..

[AussieAmericanGirl66]

Thank you for your really thoughtful replies so far. I think you sort of hit the nail on the head piratemama. I do feel like I'm smothering her, because in some deluded part of my brain I think that if I'm not telling her how much I love her regularly, she's going to forget. Which is TOTALLY CRAZY. I went to school for acting and luckily start rehearsals for a new project tomorrow, which will be really great and will take me through mid-April.

I so badly want to give her the space to have her own experiences and give her the room to grow and change, and because of lots of ongoing changes in my life (just graduating from school etc) I'm scared. There is always a voice that pops up in my head that tells me to send her that text, or try calling just once more, and its literally making me crazy! I don't want to be that kind of boyfriend to her, both her and I deserve better than that.

I have done the same thing, felt the same insecurities, and my own "deluded" thinking gets me to a frame of mind that I am desperate to tell him I love him, even a few times in the same conversation, and I know he feels smothered when I do that, but I feel like if I don't he will get busy and forget me, which is really lame. By now, I know better. But old habits die hard.

It's good that you have an acting project to work on. That will keep you busy and happy. Staying active, doing things you enjoy, will keep the loneliness at bay, and make the time go faster.

[TaraMarie]

I have nothing to say except to tell you that many of us say the EXACT same thing! You are normal. Your feelings are normal.

[Pvarner930]

Hello! It has been a long time since I've been back to these boards, and am happy to say that my girlfriend and I will be back together in just about 10 days. The time away has not always been easy, but it has been a great learning experience for me, and I learned a lot about myself in the process. Here are some of the things that have helped me...

-Seeing a therapist: I started seeing someone right after my GF left, because being away from her made me have to own up to many issues I was having personally that I was letting our relationship become an excuse for not having to deal with. If you have the ability and means, I definitely recommend it if only to have an outsider's opinion.

-Staying creatively active: Having something that I could put all of that energy into was huge for me. Being able to create and engage my body and mind (for me this was acting in a play) was hugely helpful to me. I don't know where I'd be without it.

-Reconnecting with old friends/making new ones: Whether you realize it or not, you are surrounded by people who love and care about you, I reconnected with many old friends and have had some wonderful times living my life over the past few months. Also, it's certainly alright to miss your SO, and to want to talk about that often (believe me), but become more interested in your friends life, ask them questions, be a generous and open hearted person. The whole "I miss my girlfriend, life is tough right now" bit, got really old really quick for me.

-Have something to look forward to: I'm going to meet up with my GF next week and we will travel through Europe together for 3 weeks. I cannot contain my excitement. I have been working my butt off the past few months to raise the funds, and having the trip to look forward to, having a solid date that I know I can see her, is HUGELY helpful.

-Trust: Trust that your partner loves you. They do. They would not have chosen to remain in a relationship with you while being away if that wasn't the case. Trust that even though there will be tough days, and there WILL be tough days, that tomorrow is a new day, and you will be back together before you know it. But give them the space to go enjoy life a little bit. At the beginning I took that need for space very personally ad I would get very upset, but it is NOT a personal affront to you, they need to go and explore the world a bit, just as you need to as well.

Those are the big things that have aided me the past few months. I hope they will help you at least a bit. Everything will turn out alright. Just remember to breathe and take a step back every now and then. Best of luck.

[AussieAmericanGirl66]

Hello! It has been a long time since I've been back to these boards, and am happy to say that my girlfriend and I will be back together in just about 10 days. The time away has not always been easy, but it has been a great learning experience for me, and I learned a lot about myself in the process. Here are some of the things that have helped me...

-Seeing a therapist: I started seeing someone right after my GF left, because being away from her made me have to own up to many issues I was having personally that I was letting our relationship become an excuse for not having to deal with. If you have the ability and means, I definitely recommend it if only to have an outsider's opinion.

-Staying creatively active: Having something that I could put all of that energy into was huge for me. Being able to create and engage my body and mind (for me this was acting in a play) was hugely helpful to me. I don't know where I'd be without it.

-Reconnecting with old friends/making new ones: Whether you realize it or not, you are surrounded by people who love and care about you, I reconnected with many old friends and have had some wonderful times living my life over the past few months. Also, it's certainly alright to miss your SO, and to want to talk about that often (believe me), but become more interested in your friends life, ask them questions, be a generous and open hearted person. The whole "I miss my girlfriend, life is tough right now" bit, got really old really quick for me.

-Have something to look forward to: I'm going to meet up with my GF next week and we will travel through Europe together for 3 weeks. I cannot contain my excitement. I have been working my butt off the past few months to raise the funds, and having the trip to look forward to, having a solid date that I know I can see her, is HUGELY helpful.

-Trust: Trust that your partner loves you. They do. They would not have chosen to remain in a relationship with you while being away if that wasn't the case. Trust that even though there will be tough days, and there WILL be tough days, that tomorrow is a new day, and you will be back together before you know it. But give them the space to go enjoy life a little bit. At the beginning I took that need for space very personally ad I would get very upset, but it is NOT a personal affront to you, they need to go and explore the world a bit, just as you need to as well.

Those are the big things that have aided me the past few months. I hope they will help you at least a bit. Everything will turn out alright. Just remember to breathe and take a step back every now and then. Best of luck.

It's so good to hear that you have been busy doing positive, creative and constructive things while you wait. It does make it easier. I think actually having a definite plan for visiting and traveling together and having something to look forward to and work for is great!

What you said about Trust really hit home with me. I have taken the need for space before, as rejection, and neglect of my needs. Sometimes it is really hard for me to accept that no matter how much we love each other, and want to be together, the fact remains that we are living separate lives, separated by 9300 miles and two very different time zones, which makes it difficult, unless I stay up way too late for my own good. And sometimes it does seem that having time with me is not much of a priority on his list of things to do, with his demanding job (working 70 hours a week), family responsibilities, and going out with friends. Yet, in spite of it all, I know he loves me, or why would he still be with me, after 4 years.

[piratemama]

Hello! It has been a long time since I've been back to these boards, and am happy to say that my girlfriend and I will be back together in just about 10 days. The time away has not always been easy, but it has been a great learning experience for me, and I learned a lot about myself in the process. Here are some of the things that have helped me...

-Seeing a therapist: I started seeing someone right after my GF left, because being away from her made me have to own up to many issues I was having personally that I was letting our relationship become an excuse for not having to deal with. If you have the ability and means, I definitely recommend it if only to have an outsider's opinion.

-Staying creatively active: Having something that I could put all of that energy into was huge for me. Being able to create and engage my body and mind (for me this was acting in a play) was hugely helpful to me. I don't know where I'd be without it.

-Reconnecting with old friends/making new ones: Whether you realize it or not, you are surrounded by people who love and care about you, I reconnected with many old friends and have had some wonderful times living my life over the past few months. Also, it's certainly alright to miss your SO, and to want to talk about that often (believe me), but become more interested in your friends life, ask them questions, be a generous and open hearted person. The whole "I miss my girlfriend, life is tough right now" bit, got really old really quick for me.

-Have something to look forward to: I'm going to meet up with my GF next week and we will travel through Europe together for 3 weeks. I cannot contain my excitement. I have been working my butt off the past few months to raise the funds, and having the trip to look forward to, having a solid date that I know I can see her, is HUGELY helpful.

-Trust: Trust that your partner loves you. They do. They would not have chosen to remain in a relationship with you while being away if that wasn't the case. Trust that even though there will be tough days, and there WILL be tough days, that tomorrow is a new day, and you will be back together before you know it. But give them the space to go enjoy life a little bit. At the beginning I took that need for space very personally ad I would get very upset, but it is NOT a personal affront to you, they need to go and explore the world a bit, just as you need to as well.

Those are the big things that have aided me the past few months. I hope they will help you at least a bit. Everything will turn out alright. Just remember to breathe and take a step back every now and then. Best of luck.

There is some really good advice here. I agree the trust section is super good. I'm glad you have been able to keep busy and make the best of your time apart from your SO. Your trip to Europe with her sounds exciting. I have to admit that I'm jealous of that. I don't know that my SO and I could ever do anything like that, because we have three daughters between us. They wouldn't like us being off the grid for 3 weeks. It sounds fun. Hope you will get some pictures for us.

[differentcountries]

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