1 semester of LDR to come; 2 years experience

[mysteryk]

Hello everyone! My name is Kelsey and I'm getting prepared to go back to school soon. I'll try to make this introduction to my relationship a long story short..

We were 16 years when we met in high school and started dating after I turned 17. We were thinking about going to the same college together so we could be together longer, but I strayed from the idea on my own and went to community college for a year (I graduated a year early) and initially intended on transferring to the school we both agreed on attending in the first place. He was already at school there, but I strayed away again and transferred to a different school that caught my attention before I even met him. Basically, I thought this school was for me but it ended up being a horrible experience. I got really depressed and sought therapy for help. I took the semester off for myself to heal and get back on my feet and prepare for my transition to the school we were going to attend together in the first place.

The time is drawing near to when I'll be moving into my own place right across from campus and attending my first semester there. I'm a little nervous but I look forward to the new experiences and people (and going back to school in general) that will be there! He is, however, going to be studying abroad for the entire semester in Budapest, Hungary. We'll be in a LDR for at least another 5 months.

Even though we've been in a LDR for 2 years now, it's been an emotional struggle for me. The lack of intimacy is just beginning to take its toll on me. He use to be a 2 hour driving distance from me, and I would make weekend trips to see him. In person, we are happily together and it would feel like we already lived together, so I have a good feeling when I am with him. I feel very safe and exactly where I want to be--I don't even care if it's in a run down apartment or with noisy neighbors..with him I feel like nothing can take me away from happiness and warmth.

This summer, he has been in Connecticut (I'm in North Carolina) for a research assistant job; things were fine at first but it became really strained/stressed in the middle of summer and has not been easy nor fun ever since. I could have had the chance to see him, and I selflessly declined the offer he made to pay for a plane ticket. I deeply regret my decision. I should have accepted the offer that he was reaching out to bring me to him! But then his parents interfered and closed that idea for good....he'll be returning to NC in less than a week from today and he plans on visiting me as soon as he can. I have mixed feelings...... I am really excited to see and be with him again, but I'm also really sad and worried about it not being the same and deciding it might be best or easier to separate?

I don't want to separate and he's made it clear so many times that he wants to stay with me too and wants to rough it out LD when he is abroad. I just constantly worry that he'll lose interest and care/love less for me. I know I need to stop thinking like this because it won't help. I try to open up to him when I feel this way sometimes, and understandably he becomes frustrated with me because I won't take his word as it is when he says, "Yes! I want to be with you. I love you and I miss you." It's just he SOUNDS mad/frustrated/upset/forced when he says it and it makes me sad that it's not comforting or loving in his tone of voice.. It becomes a cycle for me and I need help on how to leave this mental cycle. I know I am happy for his experience he will be living shortly, but I need to be focusing on myself too while he is away! I just don't want to focus only on me and then forget about him..and I definitely don't want to focus on him and forget about me..!!

[mysteryk]

I wanted to mention that about halfway through the summer, I did have a mini depressive break but took a week's worth of time to myself. When I got back in touch with him, he expressed interest in another woman. It wasn't serious, but it felt very serious to me at the time and it's been hard for me to believe him when he tells me he loves me, misses me, etc. because he did tell me that he felt unsure about what he wanted. School is something he is sure of, but the relationship has been more cloudy ever since the other woman kind of entered the picture. They won't see or communicate with each other once the summer ends, but it's just made me wonder whether or not I am what he wants anymore. He says he wants me, but I still wonder and that's when I start to overthink and worry. It's dangerous and I need help with that please..

[differentcountries]

I don't know...I have also been in an LDR for about two years. We see each other every or every second month on average. I have had many doubts in the past that I no longer have. For instace, I have learned to differenciate between the different reasons for his mood. If he looks miserable and tells me he has a lot of things going on where he is, I don't sit down and ask myself questions about his feelings for me. I know he will seem upset right before I come and right after I leave, so I don't pay a lot of attention to that and usually we just skip Skyping on those times to make it easier. Generally, since Skype is such a strong medium we try to limit or skip Skype when either one of us is feeling tired or sick because we don't want to risk things coming out wrong. We use viber and emicons a lot, that seem to help when our voices can't carry the message of our care for each other.

My boyfriend often sound /seem frustrated/upset when he is with me. I know the reason for this is that his job is putting lots of demands on him. It has got nothing to do with me. Sometimes I have to make him snap out of it, though, if he becomes too distant etc.

I think, until we close the distance, there will always be some sort of cycles that I go through with my SO. I have no certainty when we can live close by permanently. I too sometimes wonder if perhaps the best would be if we went our seperate ways. But then I remember that our relationship is not the problem, distance is the problem. Distance is something we can overcome.

[MissingMyDutchLove]

I get the fact that his expressing interest for someone else can cause you to have doubts. I can only imagine the insecurity that comes with that knowledge. However, you have to trust the fact that he is with you for a reason and that if he wanted this other woman, he would have broken up with you to be with her. There is a reason why he loves you, and you just have to trust that he loves you enough to tell you if something were to change. Until that happens, you can't be looking for the doubt at every turn. The semester abroad will be tough for your relationship because he will be going and experiencing all new things with new people and you will have such a large time difference. The good news is that you have new experiences coming too! Take that time to get out there and meet some people and have a ton of fun so that you have a support system both through your LDR this next semester and when you two finally are able to be together. The end is near! You have a chance to close the distance in less than a year! You are lucky!! Just hang in there and don't let your mind play tricks on you.

[mysteryk]

Thank you!!! Gosh, I feel bad responding so late, but look at the time difference now!! It's already towards the end of October. You were right though. I did take your advice and have made great friends and awesome co-worker buddies. I've been getting involved on campus too. It's been overwhelming though because I think sometimes I bite off more than I can chew but am trying my best to manage my time. It's pretty good for me though because then I pay less attention to the LDR compared to when I was a lot more clingier before to now..it has its drawbacks but am trying to stay positive! Thank you again

[mysteryk]

Thank you so much for your advice as well. I've actually taken that approach lately as well. If we have a planned Skype talk but am not in the best mood, I'll let him know ahead of time to let him decide if he wants to talk with me still or not. He is really preoccupied with school and I have started to understand his busyness more. Distance is difficult..you are right that it is the problem and not necessarily the relationship. I too do not know thought if he and I will ever live together......when he returns he is living in a house with friends while I am in my 1br apartment with my kitty. After my lease term ends though, I might hike it up north and continue living with just my cat, Juhani, to make ends meet. It is too expensive for me to live alone here and hopefully I will finish school before my lease ends. He hasn't expressed an interest in having me move in with him or moving in with me, so that is why I am assuming to remain independent and perhaps start preparing to face the consequences of extended LDR or the single life for a while. :/ I wish you and your SO the best though and I hope you will be able to live close by at least sometime soon. Distance is hard, and for me it has worn me out to where I feel less emotional ties and for my partner and myself, I don't know if I can continue LDR with lessening emotional ties.