LDR, then lived together for 7 months, then apart again
Very very long story. But. My SO and I have been together nearly 4 years, we're both 21yo women. We have lived in different cities for 2 years, but saw each other every few weeks.
In January, we both started a study abroad program in Europe and lived together (for the first time) for 5 months, which was fun, not too intense and nothing unexpected, but also confirmed that this relationship just isn't feeling right, we bickered a lot and I constantly thought about breaking up with her.
We then traveled together for 2 months which was really fun (of course, we're on holiday in Europe), she's a great travel buddy and only had the occasional stressy travel argument.
We got back to our home city, then she flew up to her university city two days later. We never properly talked about being apart, what it would be like, or how our relationship would go (in fact we never really have).
Since arriving back, she's barely spoken to me. She is really flat and sad - being back home after fun in Europe is depressing, but also her job and an internship have both fallen through last minute and things just aren't going as she'd hoped.
She says that she misses me so much that she doesn't want to talk to me because it reminds her that I'm not there, she's finding it hard to cope, and she's having a really rough time. She's the type of person who pushes people away when she's upset (ie when she's upset about something little, she'll tell me to give her some space rather than a cuddle/talk about it). But she's never acted like this before, ever. I assumed we'd go back into old routines of talking all the time, texting and calling a few times a day. But it's been 10 days and she's continuing to tell me she needs space and doesn't know how she feels or what she wants.
I feel terrible that I can't be there to support her, as it's an especially tough time even without the suddenness of being apart. But I also feel really frustrated and in shock that she can so easily push me away, and it's leaving me feeling like I'm just waiting around for her to call; or if I do text her, she probably won't reply. I hate feeling so passive (as I'm usually the more passive one in this relationship, and over the past year I've realised how unhealthy that is and how sick of it I am).
She has called me once a day over the past few days, wanting to just talk about our days and act normal. I want this too, but I don't want it to be acting - I just want to be able to have a regular conversation with her, without a) her getting emotional and upset because I'm not there, or b) me blurting out all this frustration and trying to tell her to get her sh*t together and stop treating me like this.
Interestingly, and somewhat unexpectedly, I'm feeling really strong amongst all this - I don't miss her much at all, I'm enjoying the lack of contact, my anxiety levels are low. But I am still on edge because I feel very vulnerable in this situation.
I also keep having thoughts about breaking up, but find this impossible to do to her when she's in such a low place and other important things in her life are a bit of a mess. I would feel terrible, like I was abandoning her at her lowest moment (and trust me, this is her lowest point - she's never been like this before).
I just want to know whether people think her behaviour is acceptable, and ultimately whether breaking up with someone in this situation is possible/ethical. This is my first relationship, I am a very non-confrontational person and I have no idea where to go from here - all I know is that I'm increasingly angry with this situation, and even if she decides let's be normal, I'll still be hurting from this.
Thanks all - feeling pretty alone right now (...cos I can't talk to her about it, cos we're not talking!!!) so any help or support is really appreciated
In January, we both started a study abroad program in Europe and lived together (for the first time) for 5 months, which was fun, not too intense and nothing unexpected, but also confirmed that this relationship just isn't feeling right, we bickered a lot and I constantly thought about breaking up with her.
We then traveled together for 2 months which was really fun (of course, we're on holiday in Europe), she's a great travel buddy and only had the occasional stressy travel argument.
We got back to our home city, then she flew up to her university city two days later. We never properly talked about being apart, what it would be like, or how our relationship would go (in fact we never really have).
Since arriving back, she's barely spoken to me. She is really flat and sad - being back home after fun in Europe is depressing, but also her job and an internship have both fallen through last minute and things just aren't going as she'd hoped.
She says that she misses me so much that she doesn't want to talk to me because it reminds her that I'm not there, she's finding it hard to cope, and she's having a really rough time. She's the type of person who pushes people away when she's upset (ie when she's upset about something little, she'll tell me to give her some space rather than a cuddle/talk about it). But she's never acted like this before, ever. I assumed we'd go back into old routines of talking all the time, texting and calling a few times a day. But it's been 10 days and she's continuing to tell me she needs space and doesn't know how she feels or what she wants.
I feel terrible that I can't be there to support her, as it's an especially tough time even without the suddenness of being apart. But I also feel really frustrated and in shock that she can so easily push me away, and it's leaving me feeling like I'm just waiting around for her to call; or if I do text her, she probably won't reply. I hate feeling so passive (as I'm usually the more passive one in this relationship, and over the past year I've realised how unhealthy that is and how sick of it I am).
She has called me once a day over the past few days, wanting to just talk about our days and act normal. I want this too, but I don't want it to be acting - I just want to be able to have a regular conversation with her, without a) her getting emotional and upset because I'm not there, or b) me blurting out all this frustration and trying to tell her to get her sh*t together and stop treating me like this.
Interestingly, and somewhat unexpectedly, I'm feeling really strong amongst all this - I don't miss her much at all, I'm enjoying the lack of contact, my anxiety levels are low. But I am still on edge because I feel very vulnerable in this situation.
I also keep having thoughts about breaking up, but find this impossible to do to her when she's in such a low place and other important things in her life are a bit of a mess. I would feel terrible, like I was abandoning her at her lowest moment (and trust me, this is her lowest point - she's never been like this before).
I just want to know whether people think her behaviour is acceptable, and ultimately whether breaking up with someone in this situation is possible/ethical. This is my first relationship, I am a very non-confrontational person and I have no idea where to go from here - all I know is that I'm increasingly angry with this situation, and even if she decides let's be normal, I'll still be hurting from this.
Thanks all - feeling pretty alone right now (...cos I can't talk to her about it, cos we're not talking!!!) so any help or support is really appreciated
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