Career vs. Relationship. What is holding me back?

[from_forest_to_city]

I need a little bit of advice from anyone willing to give it.

I have been with my boyfriend for 5 years now. We went to the same college together, and lived in the same town for a year after I graduated. The guy I'm with is a very kind, awesome guy, who is rational and we are able to reason logically with one another. We have everything in common, and he comes from a great family, who I love dearly, and our friends are all the same people. I can be over-bearing, strange, and irrational, and he seems to handle it really well. He can be closed-off, and a little distant which makes it hard to communicate sometimes. We are by no means perfect, but I'm really happy with him. I love him so much.

Our problem is that our careers drove us to literally opposite ends of the country. Because I want to be an animator, I have to live in a big city like NYC. (Or at least I feel like I do) And he went to a coding school in Portland, which will hook him up with a job after he's done in the next couple of months.

I have a job in NYC, but I honestly don't like living here and he 100% does not want to live in NYC. It is expensive, quite lonely, and I really just want to own a lawn and a pet and drive my car to work. Portland seems like it would be a great mix between city and country for me. The only problem is the career opportunities are limited, or not as abundant as NYC, and all our friends and family live on the east coast.

I really want to be excited about moving out there to be with him but there's something holding me back. I'm so nervous about making the wrong move. And I hear all the time that I'm young and there will be plenty of relationships in my future. But I don't want to date anyone else. The idea of not being with him and experiencing life with him makes me so so sad.

I guess what bothers me is that I'm willing to move out there for him, but he's not willing to move back to the east coast for me. But honestly, if I don't like NYC, and he likes Portland, why am I so bothered by it? We both really dug ourselves into a hole here. We want to support each other in our careers so much that we really didn't think through what might happen.


Being an adult sucks. I need help

[R&R]

It can be tough and really, only the two of you can make the decision. You both sound like you are good at working through things, so I bet you will be able to work out some sort of compromise.

My SO and I will 99% be moving back to his home in Texas. I'm from the East Coast and love it here and it's where my family is. However, realistically, it's financially more sound for us to move to Texas. He's willing to move here but it just doesn't have the opportunities like he would have moving back home. So, as much as I want to be here, I want to be with him more so I am moving. Re-starting a career at 45 is going to be more difficult for me but I'm willing to give it a shot.

Good luck!

[snow_girl]

But honestly, if I don't like NYC, and he likes Portland, why am I so bothered by it?

That was exactly my thoughts. What kind of prospects do you have in NY as an animator? What are your career goals? Have you looked at opportunities in OR? Don't move solely for him, you'll end up feeling resentful that you gave up your job to move to him....and you already seem to be slightly resentful that he isn't wiling to move somewhere neither of you like. You need to really think about what youwant first.

[differentcountries]

It is reasonable that both of you should be able to have jobs where you live. You should also be able to accomodate the other person coming. The move should be a realistic change, not one made out of desperation.

If you don't like where you live, of course don't bring him there. But on the other hand, if you don't want to live in Oregon, it might not be a good idea to move there either. Perhaps you can move some third place? Or you can more somewhere close to him but with better options for your job?

Being an adult means taking the time to explore your options, much more time than you think you need. He has not even started his career yet, so he doesn't know what work options he has elsewhere. You say yourself you are not sure if moving to another place would restrict your options or not. Do your research, perhaps even start applying for jobs now to get a feel for the market. You don't have to make any moves before you have more knowledge. you don't actually have to move before you have that job (I for once would never more somewhere I did not have a job. I could not even do that financially, as I have little savings).

My SO and I will most likely have him coming here to work in my country. Norwegian worklife pays better and workers have more rights. Could I have come to him? Sure. But then it would be expensive and hard to keep in touch with family and friends in my country. We don't want to have to be apart for long. However, moving permanently is a big step so we will most likely have a test trial first, where he comes to work for half a season or so.

[MissingMyDutchLove]

To be honest with you, I don't think it's the moving part that bothers you. I think it's the part that he isn't even willing to consider moving there. Since the beginning of our relationship, we knew that my SO would be moving here. It just makes sense for us. However, as soon as I said that I may be willing to move there some day and that I really wouldn't mind living there if it worked for us and BOTH of our careers, his mood instantly changed on the subject. I didn't realize that he was slightly resentful of the fact that we would be moving to my home instead of his. Once he realized that I was making an effort too and that I would give up being near my family (who I am very close with) to be with him, he saw it completely different than him being the only one making any sacrifices. Regardless of the fact that it just makes sense for you to move there, you can't help but be resentful because the other way around isn't an option to him and, therefore, you're the only one making any sacrifices. So I say, as long as you can find a job there, move! (but try to work through this psychological stuff because it's not good not getting to the bottom of it, especially if you're moving!)

[differentcountries]

I have a job in NYC, but I honestly don't like living here....It is expensive, quite lonely, and I really just want to own a lawn and a pet and drive my car to work.

If I said something as negative as this about the place I lived - unless the lonely really means "I miss YOUUUU" - of course my SO would not want to move here. Not even you see yourself living there in the long term, so why would he?

[BirdGirl]

I know how you feel. It feels tough when you think you are the only one who is willing to make a change for the good of the relationship. I feel like my SO is stuck in our hometown and is also nervous to leave. I've told him I was willing to find a compromise and move closer, but getting work where he lives in my feild is extremely difficult. I even lost my apartment in August because I was prepared to move whereever he wound up for school and my landlord reneged his offer to give me more time to resign the lease (the jerk leased it to someone else without warning). He says he wants to leave, but his efforts to get closer fall through every time.

[Harlequin]

I also studied animation in college!

Depending on what part of the industry you want to get into, your best bet would probably be to move to the west coast, anyway. A lot of the big-name studios are out there, and you'll have better opportunities with networking. You can also freelance, which sucks in that it isn't a steady stream of income, but it helps free your choices up a bit in where you want to live. You're going to find independent studios scattered all over the place. Laika, for example, is in Oregon. I suggest looking into the studios that are out there, and even what sort of just general animation jobs you can find. I have classmates who ended up teaching animation even though they only had their Bachelor's. Hell, you can even submit your own independent animations to festivals. You could get money for it, and it's a really great way to get your work out there and get people interested in hiring you.
Are you a 2D or 3D animator? If you're 3D and have experience with creating/rendering your own models, you might also be able to look for jobs in 3D modeling. In general, you can also look for work in illustration.
The opportunities are definitely out there. It's scary possibly having to give up a sure-thing for a bunch of maybes. However, if you really don't like NYC, then there's no shame in pursuing your opportunities out west.