Announcement

Collapse
No announcement yet.

Need your opinion

Collapse
X
 
  • Filter
  • Time
  • Show
Clear All
new posts

    Need your opinion

    Hi there !

    I'm going to send it to my girlfriend, with a DVD of Cemetery Junction, movie that we saw together on our first date. I wanted you to tell me if it sounds good, and if my english is correct, as I'm not a native

    "
    Looking at the board wondering which movie was the best to watch, the heart of the boy went crazy. It did not really matter for him which movie she wanted to watch, because all he wanted was to spend time with her, to be close to her, feeling her, kissing her... But the boy, generaly shy, was for the first time confident with the situation, like someone or something was giving him power... People commonly call it “Love”, no doubt, it was that !

    The movie starts, the boy is not really paying attention to the story. Indeed, his mind is submerged by thinking what he should do with the princess who is seated next to him. Although Love was helping him to not stress, his shyness was still present. Love, really proud of itself, decides to turn even stronger, controlling both Lovers... When Love wants something, Love gets it ! The girl put her head on the boy’s left shoulder, at the moment, the boy moves from a heavy shyness to a paradise of confidence, it was perfect ! Love had won, Love had linked them for the first time. Then, the boy, carried by the power of Love, gives a kiss on the top of her head, Love had linked them for the second time.

    Later in the night, while waiting for the train coming, the boy finds an unexpected strength... He gives a quick and short kiss to the girl. Love had won, at the moment, they didn’t know, but Love had linked them forever."
    Last edited by Cucaratcha; December 26, 2010, 01:38 PM.

    #2
    Really great story!!! There are just a few things you can do to make the english better. Some of my corrections are a bit opinion-based on the flow of the sentences, so you needn't take them too seriously:

    Looking at the board wondering which movie was the best to watch, the heart of the boy went crazy.
    As the boy looked at the board wondering which movie to watch, his heart was going crazy.

    It did not really matter for him which movie she wanted to watch
    It did not really matter to him which movie she wanted to watch

    confident with the situation, like someone or something was giving him power
    confident with the situation. It was like someone or something was giving him power

    People commonly call it “Love”, no doubt, it was that !
    People commonly call it “Love”: and it was love indeed!

    Later in the night, while waiting for the train coming
    Later in the night, while waiting for the train to come


    I hope I was able to help!!! I'm sure your SO will love it! Don't stress too much about incorrect grammar, us girls often find it cute when foreign boys make small mistakes like that
    Last edited by luna_banana; December 26, 2010, 06:11 PM. Reason: mistake

    Comment


      #3
      I agree with the suggestions made above and also instead of submerged by thinking maybe try immersed with thoughts about what he should do with the beautiful princess beside him.

      Comment


        #4
        Thanks a lot, I will correct it

        Comment


          #5
          Adorable story!!
          Originally posted by luna_banana View Post
          I'm sure your SO will love it! Don't stress too much about incorrect grammar, us girls often find it cute when foreign boys make small mistakes like that
          100% agreed. It cracks me up when my boyfriend speaks German and it totally makes me love him 10000x times more and his grammar... well let's not go there

          Besides, is english even your girlfriend first language?

          Być tam, zawsze tam, gdzie Ty.

          Comment


            #6
            No, she's more or less the same level as me in english... Her first language is spanish... but I want it to be correct
            Big thank you for your help

            Comment


              #7
              generaly should be generally




              Treasuretrooper <-- how I helped pay for some of my LDR expenses when I was in one.

              Comment


                #8
                this is very good story and I like a lot..

                Comment

                Working...
                X