Planning Before Engagement

[rach92g]

My SO and I have been together for going on 5 years now, so I have no doubt that he is "the one". We have been long distance for almost two years, so I feel like if we have made it this far we must be right for each other. We are not yet engaged, but I do have the ring picked out. We probably will not be getting married for another two years, but I know that we will get engaged before then. I have already started some planning, definitely not full fledged though. I have my dream dress picked out, the location that I want, my photographer and my wedding planner. I told him all of these things and he thinks I am just being silly, but I see it as me not being super stressed out when we actually are engaged because I will already have a lot of planning taken care of. It's not like I have already made a down payment on my dress and set a date and paid the photographer, I just know exactly what I want and when the time comes all I have to do is get these things set in stone. What do you all think? Am I being too much of a planner or is this somewhat of a good idea?

[snow_girl]

I think it is a little weird. It is also a little presumptuous and wouldn't be surprised if it put your SO off a bit. Maybe you will get married but things happen and you might not. I think the fun of being engaged is to plan, and plan together. I think my SO would be a little pissed if he didn't get a say in anything regarding the wedding cause I had planned it way before we were engaged.

[rach92g]

Nah I mean we talk about it together already and he gives me his input on my ideas. My reason behind this: I don't want a long engagement, maybe 3-4 months. I agree that things could happen and we might not end up together but if you only knew what we've already been through, I'm confident we can survive anything. I'm not Monica from "Friends", I don't have a huge notebook with every single little detail planned out, I just have the big things picked out already. I also think it gives us a good idea of what we need to save for.

[Michia]

My reason behind this: I don't want a long engagement, maybe 3-4 months.

Every couple is different....But shouldn't the engagement be for planning your wedding? How can you plan the wedding you want in 3-4 months? Most photographers and locations are booked 6+ months ahead of time. My SO and I didn't discuss anything regarding wedding plans before he proposed, but it doesn't mean I didn't have preliminary plans in my head! I had a general idea of the things I wanted. That's just being prepared and knowing what you want. That said, he wanted something totally different that me - we had to meet in the middle and compromise on a wedding we both could be happy with.

Just don't go out and buy your wedding dress before he pops the question. And let HIM pick out the ring. It will be so much more special knowing he bought the ring he wants to see on your finger. Wouldn't you rather see him when you look at the ring on your finger, instead of yourself? You want to let him set the pace for everything - if you ramble on to him too much about planning the wedding when he hasn't even asked you, it may make him a little nervous.

[rach92g]

I can see what you're saying. But honestly, where I'm from nobody has long engagements anymore, mainly because most weddings are held at the bride's church. The location that I want is in someone's yard so I'm not gonna have to call 6 months in advance and hope my date isn't booked. I'm definitely not even planning on buying my dress before he pops the question, but I also don't want to go into some random dress shop with no idea what I want. Every time he is home we go to Kay's and have my promise ring cleaned, and every time we are in there I see the ring that I want. The last time we were in there he even asked if I wanted them to get it out and let me see it. I just want him to know what kind of style that I want, because I have seen plenty of rings that are just plain ugly.

My engagement period will be more focused on where are we going to live, how much is it going to cost and where am I going to work.

[Zephii]

Both Obi and I don't think it's right to plan a wedding without being engaged first. We never even spoke about getting engaged, never mind getting married!

It just strikes me as wrong, and I think it takes a lot of the romance and surprise away from those events which are supposed to be life-changing.

Granted, wedding planning has been an absolute nightmare for me, and there were times I wished I'd been one of those little girls who daydreamed about her wedding, so I wouldn't have been so hopeless, stressed and easliy walked on, but I think there's a limit. The wedding is about him too, and I know that I'm in the minority in this belief, but he should plan it with you - and that doesn't mean you plan it then ask him if he's ok with it.
I think Michia is spot on with the things she's saying - especially about the ring. This is coming from someone who didn't really like her ring at first (and who's alergic to it to boot) - that ring is more than a pretty thing to tell people you are taken. It's about him too. Marriage is about two people - don't take those experiences away from him because you're impatient or afraid he'll do it "wrong". What about what HE wants: his dream location, or theme or wedding planner? What about him?

I don't know, perhaps I've spent too much time with Obi and his weird beliefs are rubbing off on me... but I do think it's presumptuous (sp) to be so gung-ho on the wedding stuff before you're even engaged.

[rach92g]

He's the type that would rather get married at the courthouse. I do include him in it, and I'm not even planning everything out. I have the basics in mind and we are also going to look at places that he likes too. It's possible that I just have all of this on my mind because of the long distance. I'm always dreaming about when I will finally be able to see him every single day, to fall asleep in his arms and wake up with him right beside me. And none of that can happen without a wedding. It's the next big step in our lives and knowing that it's still kind of far away just makes me yearn for it even more.

[kat4301]

I personally think being engaged/getting married should be done exactly as you want it. Its like when I think back to when I was little and thought a proposal was supposed to be some huge, never-saw it coming thing, but when its one of the biggest decisions of your life it might be good to talk about it first. I think one of the best things you can do for yourself if you are a huge planner is to expect to be flexible with something. I love to plans things as well down to a tee, so just remember that something may inevitably go wrong and know how you are gonna handle it. Plan to change the plan if needed hahah.

[floridaellen]

I think it's normal to daydream about your wedding. Heck, I've been daydreaming about my wedding since I was 4! I think as long as you are not booking a photographer, booking a church, buying a dress, and all that, it's okay to look. I mean, half of Pinterest is wedding stuff and no one seems to care about that. Same with TV shows.

If it makes your SO uncomfortable, then I would just not mention it to him. It's just a fantasy. As long as you realize that may be it won't happen and are okay with that knowledge, what's the harm?

It seems that I have a different view than most people here....

[Moon]

If you know you're going to get married soon, and you're both OK with it, there's nothing wrong with getting your thoughts together, and some pre-planning. I agree that it could make the actual planning a little less stressful, but I would strongly recommend a more realistic 6 month engagement. Trust me, I've done this twice When you leave yourself so little time, it takes all the enjoyment out of it, leaves you a stressed out basketcase, and you'll wanna kill each other by the big day! If you leave a bit more time, it gives you the space to do things like iron out problems with vendors, and selecting services that you really want and that are still available, among other things. Don't sell yourself short, you'll regret it afterwards. If you're lucky, you only get to be a fiance once, and it's exciting, so don't end it prematurely.

On the other hand, if this is a few years into the future, don't waste your time. Wedding trends change, and so might your taste, so just relax about it for awhile.

[Dziubka]

Planning before the official engagement is totally ok, but only if both parties are in the clear about it and do it in mutual agreement.

I think it's weird not to discuss marriage or getting engaged before proposing. It's such an important live changing decision and step to take, that both parties need to decide about it together. If my boyfriend proposed to me out of the blue, without us ever having discussed when we'd like to get married, I'd be too taken aback to say yes.
My boyfriend and I are not engaged yet, because we both think that super long engagements without a wedding in sight are sort of silly. But we plan to get married in 2015, when we're both done with university, and we do some rough planning already. Not planning as such, but more like exchange ideas about what we want and what not and what's actually possible.
We have a church picked out (it's absolutely wonderfunny beautiful with a unique atmosphere) and we have some general ideas for the invitations and procedure. It would be inconvenient to get engaged and the realize you both have very different ideas abot what your big day's going to be like, so I'd rather discuss that in advance.

[Bethypoo]

LOL, nope. I think you are being a typical girl. Some women dont do this. But others do. I have ideas of what I want. And when i find things that i really REALLY like, then i will print it/cut it out/save it. It isnt like you have a venue already booked and set a deposit down on something. That would be a little much. But just having things that you want i think is totally fine!!!!

[BabyDimples]

Me and my boy talk about it now and what we want. And we're a few years of being engaged (never mind married) yet! As we are both only soon to be seventeen. I don't think that there's anything wrong with planning ahead. We've been together for six months, and we have already planned out some of the main parts of our future. Not the main parts, although he does have how he is going to propose to pretty much down to every detail! Though no matter what I say, he refuses to tell me. Apart from random little facts such as champagne and roses in the hotel room, and the price and that it will be during a short weekend away. I also know that it will be sometime between when we are 20 to turning 22 Planning ahead is fine, theres nothing wrong with knowing what you want

[Joyce:)]

Some girls have their wedding planned even before they have found the man, others couldn't care less.
I don't think there is anything bad in doing some daydreaming, especially since your planning doesn't involve booking any expensive location or whatnot. Also, if thinking about the future can help you cope with the struggles that come with long distance relationships, do all the thinking you need.
Some people may think it's not normal to be so focused on a wedding at such a young age before being engaged, but your relationship is also out of the ordinary. It's admirable that you two stuck together since you were in the 8th grade, and it's admirable that you are making it throughout all the challenges you are facing.
Obviously, anything can happen, but hopefully you two will manage to stay together. Good luck with your relationship

[dukes2011]

I think every person and every couple is different that way. Personally, I have never been one of those girls who dreams about the perfect wedding. My boyfriend probably has no idea how he'll propose in a few years, he just knows he wants to and that I will have graduated and we'll both be more financially stable than we are now. I think it definitely could be a good way to cope with the distance though, just make sure it doesn't take over your life. It doesn't sound like it has, but if it did then I would say that might be an issue.