Planning Before Engagement

[13000km]

Wedding planning pre-engagement is okay, but only if both parties of the relationship are on the same page and doing the planning together. If it were up to us, my boyfriend and I would get married with us and two other people in presence, but we're not going to do that knowing it'd crush our families. We're also waiting till later in the year to get engaged because even though we've been together for over 2 years, our family sees our relationship as relatively new because I moved here only 8 months ago. We're planning to have at least a year long engagement so planning doesn't get too stressful on us. We've made a list of things we absolutely don't want at our wedding (200 people, headache-inducing colours, etc.), another list of things we might like to include, set aside a budget and listed who we absolutely have to have there. I am not opposed to pre engagement wedding planning, and understand that it lightens the load during the actual engagement, but it is a good idea to include your partner in the wedding related decisions too.

My SO and I have already started some planning, definitely not full fledged though. I have my dream dress picked out, the location that I want, my photographer and my wedding planner. I told him all of these things and he thinks I am just being silly, but I see it as me not being super stressed out when we actually are engaged because I will already have a lot of planning taken care of.

That doesn't really sound like on the same page to me. I know a lot of guys envision their wedding to be just the couple and an officiant, and say they really don't care, it's the bride's day, and other men-talk. But if you asked him what his interests are, and say "don't you think it would be kinda cool, since you like __(interest)__ so much, to have __(interest)___ as ____(wedding detail)____ in our wedding."

[elizabethjp2010]

I dont think its a big dea, haha, I know the engagement ring style, and i have ideas of where i dont want to get married, besides when youre actually engaged some of it might change

[Amatory]

Me and my SO have already talked about what we'd want in a wedding and how soon is too soon, etc. I don't see anything wrong with picking out what you might want ahead of time. You can always change your mind when the time comes anyway. xD

[princessmeg1328]

My SO and I just became engaged last month. Beforehand we were discussing getting engaged, and I shared with him a little bit of wedding planning. However, some of the ideas I had just two months ago have already changed. It's ok to have some ideas of what you would like to have, but things will probably change in the next couple of years.

[redheadvulcan]

I personally think that if your SO was all for doing some pre-planning that would be okay. If he thinks you are being "silly", that's another story.

In my personal opinion I think every girl should have a general idea of how she wants her wedding, the basics. Colors, the type of cake, indoor/outdoor, big or small. But when you actually get engaged be prepared to change many things if your boyfriend wants to have a say. When you get to that point, hopefully he will care enough to have a say.

If you prepare and everything you want is the exact opposite that he wants and you get upset because of all the "pre-planning" you did, would you turn into BRIDEZILLA?

just a little something to think about.
My boyfriend and I've done SOME pre-planning TOGETHER because he is okay with it.

I wish you the best of luck.

[lucybelle]

I guess I think it's a little strange to have the place picked out and a dress and a ring and such. If I were a guy and my girl was doing that I'd be like "hold them horses!!!!" That's not to say I don't look at pretty rings and have peeked at dresses, but it's not like I've written it down or anything. In fact, I've never even bookmarked pages online.

[meganpillow]

I do agree that engagement is the time to plan out a wedding, but automatically assuming that planning a wedding would take more than 3-5 months is silly. My wedding is going to be small and simple, which doesn't take that long, especially since I want to plan it myself. Every couple is different, and if you feel that in your heart that you are ready to get married... then that's your choice. Nobody else's.

[redheadvulcan]

I do agree that engagement is the time to plan out a wedding, but automatically assuming that planning a wedding would take more than 3-5 months is silly. My wedding is going to be small and simple, which doesn't take that long, especially since I want to plan it myself. Every couple is different, and if you feel that in your heart that you are ready to get married... then that's your choice. Nobody else's.

I agree with this

[Kristin91]

Both Obi and I don't think it's right to plan a wedding without being engaged first.

It just strikes me as wrong, and I think it takes a lot of the romance and surprise away from those events which are supposed to be life-changing.

Granted, wedding planning has been an absolute nightmare for me, and there were times I wished I'd been one of those little girls who daydreamed about her wedding, so I wouldn't have been so hopeless, stressed and easliy walked on, but I think there's a limit. The wedding is about him too, and I know that I'm in the minority in this belief, but he should plan it with you - and that doesn't mean you plan it then ask him if he's ok with it.
I think Michia is spot on with the things she's saying - especially about the ring. This is coming from someone who didn't really like her ring at first (and who's alergic to it to boot) - that ring is more than a pretty thing to tell people you are taken. It's about him too. Marriage is about two people - don't take those experiences away from him because you're impatient or afraid he'll do it "wrong". What about what HE wants: his dream location, or theme or wedding planner? What about him?

I don't know, perhaps I've spent too much time with Obi and his weird beliefs are rubbing off on me... but I do think it's presumptuous (sp) to be so gung-ho on the wedding stuff before you're even engaged.

Yes! This! Exactly!

I'm sorry Zephii, though that you're allergic to the ring

[lyonsgirl]

My SO and I have been talking about marriage for a while. It's turned into "when" not "if". I have a "Dream Wedding" board on pinterest, with loads of ideas. He wants to be involved with the planning process, so I haven't picked out any thing major (location, dress, etc.). Although I think we have agreed on what we want our save-the-dates to be and the food we want at our reception...

I'm a crazy planner too, but if you want-and he's okay with- to "plan" before you're actually engaged, why not? Sure, the majority of people plan during their engagement. But it's fun to talk about your wedding and it's fun to come up with ideas! (My SO thinks I'm nuts... he does tell me once in a while that he doesn't want to talk about my ideas any more, and so I stop at that point. for a while, haha)

[floridaellen]

My SO and I have been talking about marriage for a while. It's turned into "when" not "if". I have a "Dream Wedding" board on pinterest, with loads of ideas.

I think Pinterest causes crazy planning! It's so addicting.....

I have a wedding board too :P

[lyonsgirl]

I think Pinterest causes crazy planning! It's so addicting.....

I have a wedding board too :P

too true about the crazy planning... i have so many ideas, it's ridiculous!

haha! the only friends that i can think of who don't have a wedding board on pinterest are already married. (or guys. yes, there are a few guys on pinterest too!)

[usmcgirl]

Haha I'm sitting here, planning crap out with my mom. I just made a thread about it too. So nahh, you're not crazy!

[MeganK]

Im not engaged yet but my SO and I have discussed it alot,
we have been planning stuff together, we havent booked anything or bough anything
but we have looked at places,dresses,cakes as well as starting the folder for my fiance visa.
we arent gonna book anything untlil after we get engaged which should be sometime close to xmas.
sadly i know already, hes already said it will most likely happen when i go to visit for xmas, its ok that i know
bcus i wanna spend my life with him.
but maybe u have gone a little to far, just bcus uve been together 5yrs doesnt mean...
he wont change his mind about u.

[yaz722]

I don't think its too weird actually, you have been together 5 years, and some people do dream about their wedding day, the details. Its a long term relationship that has a future, so personally I think its OK. I've been long distance for 5 years also and I find that I know my fiance better than a lot of couples who are CD just because we put that much more effort in and have learned the hard way not to take the relationship for granted. All I can say is don't get too ahead of yourself before the engagement, but you probably don't need me to tell you that.