A very real conversation has me very scared

[lucybelle]

I was debating on whether or not to post in alumni, but what the hell... I want lots of support!! I'm out of my freaking mind!

My SO and I were sitting in bed last night when he starts telling me how excited he is to move back to the states with me. He is actually anxious to do it. He wants to finish his degree first, which is really a necessity for getting a job in the USA. He has about 1.5 years left if he continues part time. Currently he is thinking about quitting his job to finish even sooner!

I brought up the whole "you know we need to apply for a visa about a year in advance, right?" He goes "why do I need a visa? I have a tourist visa!" And I thought I had already explained this to him before *sigh* So I went through and told him about the fiance visa and spouse visa. I think the spouse visa would be best for us since my SO would be able to work right away and travel freely. The travel freely part is the biggest part since once we leave CR we plan on traveling abroad for maybe 2 months before "settling down" and finding jobs.

So what all this means is if we want to be in the states by beginning 2014, we have to get married in just about a year. And that freaks me the freak out. I mean as much as I daydream about how I do want to marry him, the actual thought of it being real is scary as mess. We've known each other for 3 years and have lived together for over 1 year, is that long enough to know???!!! Lots of people get engaged a year in advance, the thought of him proposing makes my stomach sick. And I thought he was the one with commitment issues.

A sort of plan that I brought up yesterday was to get married when we go on a skiing trip in Colorado next January. To not tell anyone, and just kind of show up and be like "well we're going to get married!" and get it done in a courthouse. But then if my dad wasn't there I'd feel awful. And I know there's no way I could convince him to come to Colorado without specifically telling him the reason (he's remarried and so is my mom, and my mom is planning on coming to CO). I would want a big white dress wedding later, when I would have time to plan it and such, but I think he'd feel bad if I just did it without him around. I don't know... The fact that I'm even having to think about this scares me even more.

I guess I don't have a real question. Just want pats on the back. Would it be really stupid for us to get married within the next year? Is it too soon? My sister and her boyfriend have been together for almost 7 years without a proposal in sight. I wish I could talk to my mom about it, but if I even bring it up I know she'll tell everyone and their mama. I just want it to stay quiet.. you know?

Maybe once I have a few days to think about all this, I'll feel better. *sigh*

[lala]

take a deeeep breath lol
and may I ask how old you are?
I can understand that marriage scares you.. but what's the point being with a person together if you don't want to marry him/her in the end.. 3 years can be a long time but they can also mean nothing. I know a lot of my friends and people who have been like 7-10 years together,broke up, get another bf/gf and marries after 1-2 years lol
it's not about how long you have been with your SO. It's about if you WANT him to be your husband.. maybe you are nor for marriage righ now... but like you said it will takes you one more year to find out.

[snow_girl]

I think if you are freaked out about it it's too soon. I think about it sometimes but I think if my SO got down on one knee today I wouldn't know what to say! Is there a common law visa for the states? Thats what we've been looking into when going back to Canada, I don't think either of us are ready to start discussing marriage just yet. I don't really have anything constructive to say, but maybe in a year you will be ready?

[lucybelle]

I'm almost 25 and my SO is 31. Young, but not teenagers anymore. We've been around the block, more than once

Thanks for the reply, I think just writing all that out helped me calm down a little bit.

---------- Post added at 09:24 AM ---------- Previous post was at 09:24 AM ----------

I think if you are freaked out about it it's too soon. I think about it sometimes but I think if my SO got down on one knee today I wouldn't know what to say! Is there a common law visa for the states? Thats what we've been looking into when going back to Canada, I don't think either of us are ready to start discussing marriage just yet. I don't really have anything constructive to say, but maybe in a year you will be ready?

Common law- Nope. Sucks, right?

[snow_girl]

Move to Canada?

[lala]

Move to Canada?

I want to do that!! lol but I would also need such a visa -.-

[lucybelle]

Move to Canada?

Jajaja!! How do you think tropical boy would handle the weather?

[lyonsgirl]

Maybe it's just the nerves. A couple that I know (parents of a friend of mine) will be celebrating their 25th wedding anniversary next year. They knew they wanted to get married a few months into their relationship. So, it strongly depends on the couple. If you're freaking out-relax. It's a good thing to talk about, and figure out if it's what you want with your SO. My cousin recently married his gf; partly because he wanted to continue to live in Germany and because they love each other.

Take a deep breath. Keep talking about it, and don't freak out too much.

[snow_girl]

Jajaja!! How do you think tropical boy would handle the weather?

Sometimes its 100F in the summer where i live. The winters are chilly but you can curl up by the fire!

[lucybelle]

Sometimes its 100F in the summer where i live. The winters are chilly but you can curl up by the fire!

Yeah, I thought he was going to freeze to death in our mild southern winter when a little frost got on the window of the car. He was soooo excited to scrape it off!

[11MikesGirl21]

Yeah, I thought he was going to freeze to death in our mild southern winter when a little frost got on the window of the car. He was soooo excited to scrape it off!

That's adorable. Reminds me of my cousin who's from Florida and complains of the "cold" when it's 65 in Massachusetts and we're all refusing to leave the house because "it's too damn hot to do anything."

I think the fact that you see it as such a big deal is a good thing, but also, just breathe. Talk about it with your SO. I've been engaged (unofficially) for almost a year now and hopefully my SO and I will get married when I'm done with school. It's far off and I still freak out about it every now and then. It's natural to have those nerves.

[lala]

oh I forgot to say that being afraid or "freaking-out" is normal lol
On the one hand I would love being engaged to my SO although we just know eachother for one year.. but on the other hand I still think that I'm too young and not ready for it! XDD

[Haley53]

That's adorable. Reminds me of my cousin who's from Florida and complains of the "cold" when it's 65 in Massachusetts and we're all refusing to leave the house because "it's too damn hot to do anything."

I think the fact that you see it as such a big deal is a good thing, but also, just breathe. Talk about it with your SO. I've been engaged (unofficially) for almost a year now and hopefully my SO and I will get married when I'm done with school. It's far off and I still freak out about it every now and then. It's natural to have those nerves.

This.

It's normal to have nerves when it comes to thinking about a wedding/marriage, and it's normal to have nerves when it comes to anything that would be or mean a huge and significant change in one's life. I know you mentioned that the both of you don't often talk of marriage, but have you expressed your nerves, at least about your father and wanting him to be there, to your SO? Is it possible that being able to talk it out and discuss the logistics of how it would work so that your mother and father could both be around for it, which seems important to you, would work? I mean I suppose it's similar to what I said on my thread, it depends on who you are and probably on situation. I know for me, a ballpark plan can provide comfort when necessary, and talking things out always helps (but I'm a talker... shocking, right? ), so being able to hash it out might help.

Other than that, though, I'd say it's pretty normal. I tend to be a bit wishy-washy on "it's not how long you've been together, it's whether or not you want to marry the person," simply because up to a year, maybe two, you're in a honeymoon period, but at the same time, I would also say that that depends on age and experience and probably the maturity of the couple and relationship as well. That being said, whether my partner proposed tomorrow or 10 years from now, I'd probably bite my nails about it being "too soon." That being said, though, you've both been through moves together, had a chance to live together and experience what it's like living together, and so on. I think that having those experiences count for something. You're not a couple that's been together three years, met once, and are deciding to get married tomorrow. You've had a chance to be with one another and get to know one another. I don't really see how it'd be a stupid decision at all.

Sidenote: Your SOs sound like me. My boyfriend was completely fine in 65 degree weather because that's what Ireland considers "nice," yet when they had a day in the 70s and everyone was all groaning and sluggish, I was prancing around and soaking up the sun.

[lucybelle]

That being said, whether my partner proposed tomorrow or 10 years from now, I'd probably bite my nails about it being "too soon."

I think this part resonated the most with me. Because I'm sure that's how I would be. I talked to my sister about this for about 30 min and she basically said "why does waiting another year matter?" And I guess it doesn't. I'll still be nervous. I'll still have my doubts. I guess I just always had this plan that I needed to live with a boyfriend for at least 3 years before getting married. But it's a trivial number. Just like how I used to want to wait until I was 23 to lose my virginity. I mean, it doesn't make any sense really.

So after reading all of your wonderful responses, talking to my sister, and taking my dog on a long walk... I actually feel much better about everything. Nothing's set in stone, and plans change all the time, but I suppose getting married in a year wouldn't be the end of my world. In fact, it'd be the start of a new one

Thanks for all the support, I really appreciate it!

[dukes2011]

Glad you feel better about everything! I'm the type that would probably think any time is too soon even though I definitely daydream about getting married, too. Also, it may not be the idea of marriage but perhaps the idea that you're just not sticking to your plan. Seems like you have a great attitude about this and so many other things in life so you'll be just fine.

P.S- I love that you took your dog on a long walk! I do that when I'm stressing too. Wish I could bring my family dog to school!