A very real conversation has me very scared

[Moon]

You know those engagement ring commercials, where everything is so perfect? How about those awful romance movies and books, where people just know they found "the one" at first site? Well, they're shit In real life, you're talking about an enormous commitment and drastic life decisions, you SHOULD be worried! Anybody with a brain has some reservations about this, it's totally normal for intelligent people, who understand the implications of such a thing.

Don't worry about it right now, think about it, but don't worry about it. You can never be 100% sure you're ready, if you look at it realistically, so just think about it and go with your gut as the months go by. You'll be at a good age, you've had other experiences to compare it to, and you have some idea of what you want out of life, so trust your instincts on this one.

[Shepard-Fowkes]

Girl, you moved to Costa Rica to be with him. Why is marriage the scary decision??? :P

[Zephii]

I will write a decent reply when I'm not on my phone but I just wanted to say it's normal to freak out a bit. I know i did but think, if you got engaged now, married in a year then you would have lived together two years by the time you married. Two years isn't so bad. A year is also plenty of time to plan a bigger wedding if you chose to go that route.

Ps, don't move to Canada. Haha.

[Manoek]

Aaaah you are too cute! ^_^ But I would postpone your nervs untill you really start planning, enough time then to stress about it

[Dziubka]

I've been meaning to answer this for a while now and what's a better time then the first week of classes, right??
So here we go.
I think it's normal to be scared about big steps like that. I want to get married to my boyfriend and have a family and spend the rest of my life with him, he's an amazing man and I'm pretty sure we have the potential to have a cute harmonic little family.
His best friend is getting married next year and the other day he told my boyfriend that his parents are giving him a flat as a wedding present. Not a tiny 2-bedroom place, but a proper flat that they can stay in when they'll have kids and all. I'm very happy for them and I guess it must be really neat to have parents rich enough to give you a proper flat for your wedding. But when my boyfriend told me about all this I was like "WTF? HELP! Our friends are already moving into places where they can bring up their kids? There's still YEARS of YEARS until we're old and stable enough to have kids!!!" and I realised that I wasn't ready to settle down yet. The thought of moving somewhere and knowing I'm going to stay there for... well... ever? makes me panic. I haven't seen enough of the world and I haven't lived in enough weird and strange places to permanently settle down yet. I was a bit surprised at myself, because I used to think that I was cool with it happening in the next few years, but... no.
I want kids, and I do still think I want them before to big three-oh, but I have six more years to go until then. No need to find a child-friendly place or decide for a city (or even country ) to settle down in, right now.
Was that even still on your topic?
It's ok to be scared, it doesn't mean that you're not ready. We all have to do things that we're scared of from time to time, it helps us grow as a person. It's ok.
If I would have had to marry my boyfriend for him to stay in my country, I would have done it in a second. If there's no other reason to marry, than 'love' (which imho is a weird reason, I can love very well without a certificate) or minor financial benefits, then I don't really see a need for it either. It's to make life as a couple easier and get certain benefits, and imho being able to live together is a pretty important reason.

Oh and regarding the plans you mentioned: I used to swear I'd never move in with a guy who hadn't lived on his own before for at least a year...
I didn't stick to that one, and so far my boyfriend has proven to be an excelent flatmate even though he comes fresh from his mum. You don't always have to stick to whatever plans you once made. People and situations change and realising that now is a good time to let go of your old resolutions can be just as smart or even smarter than sticking to them.

[lucybelle]

If I would have had to marry my boyfriend for him to stay in my country, I would have done it in a second. If there's no other reason to marry, than 'love' (which imho is a weird reason, I can love very well without a certificate) or minor financial benefits, then I don't really see a need for it either. It's to make life as a couple easier and get certain benefits, and imho being able to live together is a pretty important reason.

Thanks for the reply! This is actually something my sister brought up when I talked to her. She said she's thought about marrying her boyfriend before she gets out of the Navy so he can get on the free Air Force flights! I guess that's as good of a reason as love

Two big things actually happened over the weekend and I was planning on resurrecting this thread, thanks for doing it for me! Saturday we were out and my SO went to check out another restaurant to see the wait. While he was there he ran into an old friend and they got to talking. The friend asked my SO about me and asked why we weren't married yet then asked if we were going to get married. My SO told him "maybe". Which doesn't seem like a big deal, but it's basically his first confession of his intentions with me. And coming from the bachelor that he was, it's a big deal.

Then last night, we were watching Spiderman 3 on TV. The scene came up where Spiderman was going to propose to MJ and I told my SO "If you ever propose to me, please don't do it with food!" He says to me "I've actually been thinking about how I'm going to do it. It's going to be a surprise!"

The point of me telling these stories is that neither of these situations freaked me out nearly as much as that first conversation did. In fact, I'm actually sort of giddy That's improvement, right?

[Tanja]

No one can answer you if it'll be too soon or not but here's a couple of examples: My SO's parents: they met when he was getting a divorce, they dated for 2 months and then he proposed to her and they just celebrated their 25th anniversary with us last summer! Me, I was engaged to my daughter's dad for 7 years and nothing happened.

As for the nerves; perfectly normal! I think people these days think about marriage quite seriously (except some people who get married for a day and then divorce - come on :|), it's a different institution than it was 50-60 years ago. People get married for practical reasons, when they have babies, there's pre-nups and god knows what other stuff to concider. It is a big decision. Huge. But it's not like you're welded onto him for the rest of your life. The ceremony is important as it reflects your feelings for each other but it's not going to chance you or your relationship. You're still the same people who've made a commitment to each other. I think if you can move to another country for your SO then getting hithced is no biggie!

[Dziubka]

People get married for the weirdest reasons:
My parents got married because when I was born (before they got married) some legal guardian lady asked my mum if she knew who the father was.
So she said "My husband"
"You don't have a husband"
"Well, ok. The man I love and I'm living with."
"Are you sure? With young people these days and their changing partner, living in communes and whatnot, you can never know."
My mum was understandly upset and offended by that. When she got pregnant a second time, she didn't want to go through that again and that's how my dad became my mum's husband.

Your last post is so cute. My boyfriend always jokes about getting engaged now, because if the ring's supposed to cost 3x your monthly income, now's a good time because his income is 0 He's the complete opposite of commitophobe, though. He was probably decided he wanted to marry me the minute he saw me
I know that he's going to ask and that it's going to be an amazing surprise. He's very good at surprises, so I know it's worth waiting for.