My "Dad" Walking Me Down the Aisle

[CandiCandi]

Both me and my mom and me and my SO have had a talk about my father walking me down the aisle. My step-dad would not be able to travel or even be at the wedding since I'm 99.9% sure we'd be having it in Wisconsin. I like the atmosphere there better. That being said, my real father and I have an extremely strained relationship. We haven't really talked in over eight years and when I tried this year, it kinda fell flat. I found his Facebook, wrote him. He never wrote back, but I did start getting calls every day at noon. I am unsure if it was my father because no one left a message and it wasn't in his town and I get a lot of spam calls. He never wrote back to me on Facebook, either. He has been diagnosed with skin cancer that my step-brother told me a few years back is killing him. I also have no contact with my step-brother anymore however, although I have off and on for the past few years. He's the one I've spoken to the most out of all of them. My mom thinks it's worth it for her to try and explain I'm getting married and do you want to come and walk your daughter down the aisle and if she can't get a hold of my father, ask her best friend Samantha's husband, Eddie, if he would walk me down the aisle since he had such a large part in helping my mom, as did her friend, Samantha. My fiance thinks maybe I should just have my mom walk me down the aisle. Forgot to mention also my grandparents raised me, but only my grandma will be able to travel as my grandpa is handicapped and watching his dying mother. What do you guys think I should do?

[Moon]

I'm voting for mom to walk you, after all it really is her giving you away! I'm divorced, but when I got married, I had both my parents walk me down the aisle, it might not be the exact tradition, but for me, it felt right. It's OK in these days of changing family dynamics, and getting very common, plus I think it's really nice Good luck with your decision, just remember that wedding planning can be incredibly stressful, so don't over think it.

[princessmeg1328]

I'm in a similar situation to you. I can have either my mom, her boyfriend, or my father walk me down the aisle. For me, it makes sense to have my mom walk me down the aisle because she's the one person who has always been there for me since day one. This is one of those times when planning a wedding where you can ignore tradition. Do what feels right for you. Like moon said, don't over think it. What does your gut tell you is right for you?

[CandiCandi]

For me, there's no real gut instinct leaning either way. My mom and I have also had a strained relationship up until I was fifteen years old and are constantly working on it. That being said, we do live together now and she is the one I see every day. I love my mom very much, though. A huge part of me would like to get a hold of my real dad, but on the other hand, it feels awkward that I would only be reuniting with him for such a short period of time just to get married. I wouldn't just get married and then quit talking to him, but what I mean is like, reuniting for a couple of weeks, not really knowing each other anymore and then him walking me down the aisle, if that makes sense. Her friend and her friend's husband have been there for me even when my mom and dad were not. They literally flew to Texas from Florida the minute that they read a letter I wrote to them when I was twelve about all that was going on in my life. So, I'm really on the fence.

[Moon]

I should have added that it's a privilege to walk someone down the aisle, it's a very honored position. Do you feel like your real father deserves that honor? That's just another way of looking at it

[kittyo9]

I'm voting for trying your real dad first, only because you are his daughter and despite not having good ties with him, I imagine he still loves you and I think he would really like to at least walk you down the aisle before... you know. My dad passed away when I was 13 and, even though I didn't see him very much, since my parents were divorced and I lived with my mom, I know he would have given anything to be able to see me get married before he died. At the very least... invite him to the wedding.

If, for whatever reason, that doesn't work out, I would go with someone you think is worthy to give you away.

[princessmeg1328]

It's just like moon said, it's a very special position for whoever you choose to walk you down the aisle. Based on what you wrote in your reply, I would vote for the person who has always been there for you. Just because someone is your biological father doesn't mean that he's your "dad." When are you getting married? Can you put it off for a little bit longer so you have some time to think about it? That might be best for now.

[kirbycat]

I'm voting for trying your real dad first, only because you are his daughter and despite not having good ties with him, I imagine he still loves you and I think he would really like to at least walk you down the aisle before... you know. My dad passed away when I was 13 and, even though I didn't see him very much, since my parents were divorced and I lived with my mom, I know he would have given anything to be able to see me get married before he died. At the very least... invite him to the wedding.

If, for whatever reason, that doesn't work out, I would go with someone you think is worthy to give you away.

Agreed. Even if you're not comfortable asking your dad outright to walk you down the aisle, you (or your mom) should definitely let him know you're getting married and invite him to be involved. It could be a wonderful chance for you to reconnect with him. If he's not willing or able to do it, then I personally would go to my mom next, before asking someone outside the biological family. But I guess that depends on who you feel most comfortable with.

[Dziubka]

I don't really like the walking down the aisle and giving away tradition, but it becomes really pointless in cases where there is no one to give away the bride.
I can sort of understand it if they were very close. If my dad and I were close I guess I would like to have that symbol, not because he was actually giving me away, but because "now someone else is the most important man in my life".
You shouldn't have to be looking for your dad just for him to walk you down the aisle. Traditions are nice and it can be fun to stick to them, but you don't have to.
I agree with Moon that it's an honor and imho it should be a person you really care for - or no one at all.

Thankfully we don't have that tradition and I'm going to walk down the aisle with my boyfriend/almost-husband.

[CandiCandi]

I'm voting for trying your real dad first, only because you are his daughter and despite not having good ties with him, I imagine he still loves you and I think he would really like to at least walk you down the aisle before... you know. My dad passed away when I was 13 and, even though I didn't see him very much, since my parents were divorced and I lived with my mom, I know he would have given anything to be able to see me get married before he died. At the very least... invite him to the wedding.

This is how I've been feeling lately about it. I want him to know. I don't want any regrets. Life is too short for me to be bitter about the past. Looking at his Facebook too, all the things that made it to where our relationship was severed, have long come to an end. He seems to be doing the best job that he can taking care of my step-brother and my two half sisters, while being ill, as well. Yes, at the very least, I'd like him to be at the wedding. I have thought of trying the snail-mail way of contacting him because I still have their address and from pictures on Facebook, they're still at that address. If after I try this, it doesn't happen, then it is no longer the fault of my own. I just don't want the regret of not having him there...especially because of all the stuff that's at the wedding, I know he'd enjoy and I also know for a fact, he'd love and approve of Austin. Yep, even my father who hasn't talked to me in years, would be smitten with my fiance and probably even steal him from me for a good portion of the wedding to talk about art, tattoos, computers, video games, comic books, etc. Lol.

[CandiCandi]

It's just like moon said, it's a very special position for whoever you choose to walk you down the aisle. Based on what you wrote in your reply, I would vote for the person who has always been there for you. Just because someone is your biological father doesn't mean that he's your "dad." When are you getting married? Can you put it off for a little bit longer so you have some time to think about it? That might be best for now.

We don't have a date yet, it will probably be a year from now and I definitely have quite a bit of time to think about it, but it's something that has been on my mind, regardless. My basic thing with my biological father is the fact that he is dying. I don't want him to pass away with me or him having those regrets or bitterness passed on. He was never that horrible of a person, he was just a huge party person and him and my mom argued a lot when him, my grandparents, and my mom were fighting for custody and I couldn't handle being the parent while he was the child. He has grown out of it from the outside looking in, it seems. In any case, walking me down the aisle or not, I want him to be there. However, if I write him through snail mail and he does not respond, then I will probably be hurt.

[Moon]

However, if I write him through snail mail and he does not respond, then I will probably be hurt.

Yes, you will, but at least you tried in that case, and you won't have any regrets after that, you know? You will have done everything you could at that point.

[CandiCandi]

Yes, you will, but at least you tried in that case, and you won't have any regrets after that, you know? You will have done everything you could at that point.

Truth. I believe I am going to try. Beyond that point, it is no longer up to me to end the silence between the both of us. I would like to try, but if I don't hear back, then I will either be going with my mom or her friend's husband to walk me down the aisle. Thank you everybody. I appreciate everyone's opinion on all sides of the topic.

[Haley53]

I agree with Moon.

This is your wedding, and I feel like you need to honour your needs above anyone's. The fact that your father is dying... While it may put you in an incredibly difficult position, at the same time, I don't feel like it should influence your decisions any. No, you don't want him to have any regrets, but that's not your responsibility. I have not talked to my father in going on five years now, and he will not be walking me down the isle - nor will I be announcing to him that I am getting married when I am getting married. Whether or not he'll regret seeing his daughter get married and being able to "give her away," as much as I feel horrible for saying it, that's not my burden. The fact that he's not even invited is a result of his actions. Actions have consequences and I wouldn't cater to him simply because he's dying. I don't feel like that should sway your decision or have any influence in it at all, and it shouldn't be a reason for guilt if you were to not want him to come to the wedding at all, for example.

My opinion is that it's your wedding and you need to think about who you want to give you away. Whether that's your mother, parents who filled in for yours when they weren't around, or your father, it should be your decision and yours alone. It should be based on who you want to give the honour to. It should be based on who filled that role for you and who's deserving of it in your eyes/world. It shouldn't be based on tradition. It shouldn't be based on guilt. It shouldn't be based on what someone else might regret. This is your wedding. If you want your biological dad to walk you down the isle, then see if he wants the honour, but if you don't, I wouldn't lose sleep over it. While I'm not condoning holding grudges, I do think sometimes bridges are burned and they can't always be rebuilt, even if there's no anger or resentment left over. I forgive my father for what he did, but he won't be walking me down the isle, and I'm not a bad person for that. Neither would you be.

---------- Post added at 01:38 PM ---------- Previous post was at 01:35 PM ----------

Oops, I posted late. Apologies!

[garnet]

I'll post late too. I've been married twice, and walked alone each time. I have a horrible, horrible relationship with my father. My mother and I get along great. But I don't need anyone to "give me away." So even though it's late, I voted other. I don't see why everyone can't be there to watch - but you can walk yourself into your new life. I'm always the minority in wedding posts.