What's the difference?

[lucybelle]

(marriage on my mind. Can you tell? Sheesh!)

What do you think the difference is between a relationship and a marriage? I've been living with my SO for a little over a year and we get along great. I know things will change with time, not just because of signing a marriage license, but also just as we grow dynamically. I think about the person I was just 4 years ago and I'm completely different now. I know issues will arise that we haven't faced before, but we've already been through a lot together. We were in a LDR for 2 years, he helped me while I went through surgeries, we each moved to the other's country, we each had to communicate in a different language and learn a new culture, we each had to support the other while one couldn't work, we each had to do all the cleaning in the house, we each had to leave our families, we pool our money together and split everything 50/50, we talk about financial purchases before we buy things, we're going through residency processes now and later will do visa things, etc.

Sometimes I'm nervous about marriage and other times I think "can it really be that different? would our day-to-day life change that much?" But it's got to be different! Right? What do you guys think?

[Haley53]

Well, I obviously have not been married yet (), but I feel like the main things that would change would happen when children came - for us, anyway.

I believe in living together before marriage for a year or more, so with that being the case, we would be splitting finances 50/50, compensating where necessary at various points, and learning how to work and live together much in the way I would hope if we were to be married; living together, in my opinion, brings out a lot you wouldn't have otherwise seen. So if living together teaches us how we work together financially and while one or the both of us is working and how we have to split the housekeeping and plan for dinner, then I'd like to think that will prepare us for what it's going to be like when we're married. His younger brother, currently, is somewhat like a child that we do have to factor in to our relationship. My SO takes care of his brother as his legal guardian and so I automatically become a part of that, so there's that added responsibility too.

However, I should think that things would change significantly if we got married and some years later, ended up having children and a family. Research has also shown that that's when even egalitarian couples end up becoming a lot more traditional, and this can cause some discontent in a relationship and is oftentimes a big change that can effect couples and change a relationship. Yes, it can be worked through, and for some, the change is only temporary, but as it stands, research says that change happens less after you get married and more after you have children. I would naturally expect this to be the case, but I also don't hold traditional views of marriage and both my partner and I are egalitarian. I imagine for traditional (either explicitly or implicitly) couples, or for those with a more traditional view of marriage, marriage might change things more than it would for people who don't conform to any particular roles or norms/social conventions.

[Zephii]

It's disappointingly the same haha. Some days I could forget I'm hitched.

There's an added sense of security, and an added responsibility (mainly if something goes wrong for the other person) and the government takes your visa more seriously, but that seems to be about it. Oh, and you then have access to hallmark cards that say "for my husband/wife" Woo!

There's a mental weight there that kind of says "we have to work through these problems, the only way is forward". I found his family treat me differently now too (they started once we were engaged, but now we're married it's very solid. They treat me like family, not as just the girlfriend.
We also take the "what's mine is yours" thing very seriously. We look at ourselves as a unit financially, though occasionally I do struggle with that when making large purchases simply because he earns the bulk of our income. It's all ours.
He takes a huge stand about equality, because I was always raised that the woman gets less/needs less. Before marriage, he didn't think about it so much, but now he really does - from big things like our PCs being the same to little things like me getting an equal share of the food. (When we lived with my sister, I was always given less than him and it drove him crazy.)

And then there's kids. Lots of people are still against having bastard children (I'm cool with it, but Obi wasn't) so a big part of marriage for me was the permission to get pregnant without having a stigma, and like Elcaire said, we are going through a stage now where we're talking about how our lives and family roles will change... what we expect from each other, what we need, and what we want.

But yeah, overall our lives have not changed. Marriage often seems to be more for others than for the couple. Other people respect our relationship more, and take us more seriously, but home alone? He's still the guy who leaves his dirty shirt right beside the clothes basket, and I'm still the chick who leaves partially-drunk beverages all over his home.

[DemonxOisin]

Warning: Useless response approaching.

It's disappointingly the same haha. Some days I could forget I'm hitched.

There's an added sense of security, and an added responsibility (mainly if something goes wrong for the other person) and the government takes your visa more seriously, but that seems to be about it. Oh, and you then have access to hallmark cards that say "for my husband/wife" Woo!

There's a mental weight there that kind of says "we have to work through these problems, the only way is forward". I found his family treat me differently now too (they started once we were engaged, but now we're married it's very solid. They treat me like family, not as just the girlfriend.
We also take the "what's mine is yours" thing very seriously. We look at ourselves as a unit financially, though occasionally I do struggle with that when making large purchases simply because he earns the bulk of our income. It's all ours.
He takes a huge stand about equality, because I was always raised that the woman gets less/needs less. Before marriage, he didn't think about it so much, but now he really does - from big things like our PCs being the same to little things like me getting an equal share of the food. (When we lived with my sister, I was always given less than him and it drove him crazy.)

And then there's kids. Lots of people are still against having bastard children (I'm cool with it, but Obi wasn't) so a big part of marriage for me was the permission to get pregnant without having a stigma, and like Elcaire said, we are going through a stage now where we're talking about how our lives and family roles will change... what we expect from each other, what we need, and what we want.

But yeah, overall our lives have not changed. Marriage often seems to be more for others than for the couple. Other people respect our relationship more, and take us more seriously, but home alone? He's still the guy who leaves his dirty shirt right beside the clothes basket, and I'm still the chick who leaves partially-drunk beverages all over his home.

That´s wonderful and adorable and I truly hope that when I get married it will be just like that :3

[kat4301]

Yeah I would agree with the traditional vs. co-habitating roles. I am reading a good book right now about how to plan a practical wedding and its great because its not about how to save money on feeding 300 guests or whatever but its more about how to morph your wedding and marriage into what you want it to be not what's expected or planned by others. People do run into a ton of trouble when co-habitating and everything is split and then after the wedding the wife is supposed to do all the cleaning and the man does all the working or however people morph into traditional roles. I would say something that has helped me and my SO begin to think about our married roles is "trying on a lot of hats." Both of have tried being the cook, being the cleaner, splitting the housework evenly, one of us being the breadwinner, both of us working, one of us going to school, etc. etc.

[Rook]

My SO and I have spoken often about getting married at some point after we close the distance. We're both very relaxed about well... everything. I really think there will only be a couple things that change. She'll get a new last name, we'll both have a new ring to wear and I'll call her the wife instead of the girlfriend. A piece of paper and chunk of metal won't change how I feel about her. I'll still love her with all my heart and want her to be happy. If getting hitched makes her happy, great, I'm happy. During our talks we've got about 90% of it planned out. Nothing set in stone, but a rough game plan that we both like.

Who knows, maybe when we get hitched something will magically change and our world will be turned upside down or maybe we'll just keep on doing what we're doing but have one more set of happy memories to look back on.

[kittyo9]

I tend to date exclusively and consider myself "bound" to that person, not unlike marriage. So really, the only difference will be superficial, with the exception of the "you are stuck with this person forever" thing, but even then, divorce is becoming more and more acceptable (not that I plan on getting divorced!). We already call each other as husband and wife. Really, the only differences I anticipate are external, like the way people treat us and the way people address us. One big thing for me will be people taking our relationship seriously. We're both still in college and few people seem to respect our decision to be in an exclusive long-distance relationship.

The other big external difference will be the ability to move to and visit other countries. Right now, he can't even get a visa to visit me in the US. Hopefully as a married couple they won't deny us visas nearly as often...

[lyonsgirl]

My SO & I agreed from the beginning that we didn't want to live together before we got married. Circumstances adjusted that for a few months, but we didn't live together like a "normal" couple would (I had a 2 bedroom place, he slept in the 2nd bedroom).

In your situation, lucybelle, I'm not sure much will change. But, tbh, I think that's a good thing. I mean, the only thing that will really change is that you'll call each other husband&wife. The titles may change, but the relationship should not, IMO. For me personally, we will have to adjust to living together as well as everything else that comes with being married. Now, we already treat our finances as though they are ours-not mine or his. They're not "my" cats any more, but our cats. Because circumstances forced us to, I know the living together part won't be a problem (I swear, it was like a sleep over every night. It was awesome), it's the behind-closed-doors part of marriage that I know will take some more effort. Not that either of us mind, of course....

[LeilaniJoi]

My SO and I have been living together now for over a year and truthfully... it's more like a marriage than co-habiting. We share expenses, the money is co-mingled so that bills are paid but it's never "you didn't pay your half of *whatever*" and that is so nice. I was married previously to someone that wanted to split the bills and it sucked. Never felt the cohesiveness I do with my SO now. We get paid, we pay bills, buy groceries etc TOGETHER.

Funny thing is everyone assumes we are married... sometimes we correct them, sometimes we dont. It just feels solid if that makes any sense. We've bought a car together, have bought electronics for the house, are working on fixing up the house and plan future purchases and things we need to take care of financially together. I feel more married to him than I did my husband of 8 years O.o

Will we ever get married? I like to think so.. someday. There are still some things to be completed and out of the way. We talked about it before I moved but not much since then and for us, it just works.

Living together brings out all the day to day dramas and stress that simply dating doesn't have. You get to see that person sick, grumpy, in bad moods, all their bad habits along with the good ones. I honestly feel it prepares you for marriage in a lot of ways.. it's not for everyone, but it lets you get that adjustment phase out of your system without having the additional stress of "omg I'm MARRIED to this person!" O.O I do understand that it's not for everyone, but it has worked quite well for us. Wish I'd lived with my ex for awhile before we were married.... I could have avoided a lot of headache >.>

[Filly]

Since you and your SO have been living together for a while I doubt a lot will change. I was shaking my head saying yes to Zephii's post as it was so spot on.

As for me, if and when my SO comes home to purchase a house I don't believe we will be staying with each other full time. Maybe we will do every other week until he leaves in two months. I think after that initial two months I'll be staying at the house until he comes back in six months where we will stay with each other for the other two months. I don't know how marriage between us will work because he says he wants to work for a few more years and I am weary of marrying someone after living with them for only two months at a time. It's a conundrum for me that I need to work out.

[Dziubka]

Isn't this sort of the same as https://members.lovingfromadistance....should-and-why! this?

Anyway, I haven't been married yet so I don't really know what it's going to be like, but like I said in the other thread: I see it as a sort of added responsibility for each other.
You sign a legal contract saying that you're going to love and take care of each other. You can love and take care of each other while 'only' in a relationship, but it's still slighty different, because you're not only expected to do so, but you're legally obliged.
When my mum's then-boyfriend-now-husband was in hospital, he was in intensive care and wasn't really allowed to have visitors. They'd say that she was his wife, so she'd be allowed to see him and talk to the doctors.
That's fortunately not an everyday situation, but what it boils down to is, once you're married you become each others closest family.
At least theoretically and legally closer than your parents or siblings.

I guess that's why I eventually want to get married. So in addition to being lovers and best friends, we can also be family.

[Romeo s Juliet]

He takes a huge stand about equality, because I was always raised that the woman gets less/needs less. Before marriage, he didn't think about it so much, but now he really does - from big things like our PCs being the same to little things like me getting an equal share of the food. (When we lived with my sister, I was always given less than him and it drove him crazy.)

And then there's kids. Lots of people are still against having bastard children (I'm cool with it, but Obi wasn't) so a big part of marriage for me was the permission to get pregnant without having a stigma, and like Elcaire said, we are going through a stage now where we're talking about how our lives and family roles will change... what we expect from each other, what we need, and what we want.

that is so sweet of your SO adorable hehe