Secret Marriage

[Rosalynn]

I feel like a giddy school girl right now. My SO and I were discussing marriage (a regular topic of discussion) as well as money (another common topic) and we came up with an idea. My SO is in the Canadian Forces and since we're not married, I'm not recognized for anything. He gets posted like he's single.

Sooo we were thinking about getting married next summer. If we're married we'll get extra money from the military for being apart and his postings will favour where I am. If we aren't posted close together soon, he will be getting out of the military. He has a daughter that he wants to live close to plus he's getting tired of being away from me. Although I'm not a fan of him in the military, it's a stable job with a good income, and I would like him to stay in (at least for now).

But we wouldn't be telling anyone we're married. We still want a proposal and a wedding, but this legal marriage would be our little secret. We know that we'll be getting married eventually, so why not make it sooner and get some benefits out of it? And we don't want anyone to know because well... it's kind of crazy. And we don't want our loved ones thinking we're crazy. I'm 19 and he's 23 so people aren't quite taking our LDR as seriously as we would like. We know it's a time thing and they will have no reason to doubt us as time goes on, but at the 2 year mark when this might be happening isn't quite at the point yet.

So I'm telling you guys this for a couple of reasons. First of all, it would be a secret so I can't tell anyone in real life. And I really just wanted to tell someone. Also, has anyone else kept a marriage secret? Or are we the only crazy cats out there?

Rosalynn

By the way this potential secret marriage is still a year away, so if you want to voice any concerns. Feel free--I'm all ears.

[Zephii]

I hesitated to reply to this one, because we don't know each other yet, and you're not used to me and my way of blurting shit out. So please try to take this in the kind spirit I mean it, and not offensively.

Personally, I wouldn't do it. Partly because I abhor dishonestly. And this is dishonesty on a fairly grand scale. You're lying to all the important people in your lives about actually being married, and when the time comes you'll either need to fake the legal aspect of your ceremony or you'll need to come clean on it. Moreover you're lying to your government/military, about being ready for marriage and intending to live like a married couple.

The second of which riles me up probably because I'm one of those saps that need a visa to be with their SO. And to get said visa I need to prove I have a real relationship - even though I'm married. At one point in the past being married probably would have been enough but now it isn't.. why? because of all the people who didn't take marriage seriously or who got married for the wrong reasons. (Got married to immigrate regardless of love, got married for convenience, or tax, or whatever.)

I guess it depends on what marriage means to you. But, in my opinion you can't pull marriage apart and just use the part you want. It's all or nothing. It's a legally binding contract, it's a hinge of the way our culture recognizes our standing in society and the way our relationships are viewed and treated. Marriage is also deeply spiritual - it's a religious ritual. There is no point in later having that ceremony (imo) if neither party is at all religious. So, to me, you take it as an all in one legally/spiritually/financially life-changing event... or you don't do it at all.

Now, for a while there, Obi and I considered legally marrying a few months before our ceremony - simply because we wanted to keep our old anniversary - we wanted to be married on the date that meant something to us, not the date his family (and visa issues) forced us to have. But to do so would have been dishonest. It would have cheapened his family's efforts of flying out here to witness. It would have meant that we could have had two weddings like they asked us to, because well, we would have - a legal one and a spiritual one.

And this is coming from someone who didn't really feel any different after getting married. Someone who says that marriage doesn't really change anything, just kind of sets it in stone.

But I guess, at the bottom of my pit of thoughts is:
How can you expect them to take your LDR seriously, when you don't take your marriage seriously?

Either way you swing it though, I do wish you all the best. Different strokes for different folks and all that

[Haley53]

Zephii said everything I don't have the balls to.

Personally, I feel like getting legally married earlier for the sole reason of taking advantage of the benefits is no better than exacerbating the actual damage of a work injury to get more from your insurance claim or cheating the welfare system. Yes, the benefits are nice, and yes, there are some people who believe marriage is solely practical, but while I believe marriage is practical, I also believe it's a serious commitment. It has serious altercations and it's not simply the benefit of receiving more money and being able to live on base and so on, and, like Zephii, living in a time when I have to prove that the relationship I have with my SO is real enough for us to be married? The idea of people using that deep a level of commitment (again, as Zephii said, different people see marriage differently) as a way of essentially scamming benefits out of the military makes me feel... not so good, I suppose.

[Moon]

Apart from the advice already given, if you're so worried your families will think this is crazy enough that you need to get married and not tell them, it just feels like a not-so-great idea. It's one thing to elope, and then deal with the consequences, but not doing that seems like neither of you are truly ready for this, or (and sorry) mature enough for marriage. Don't you think people will start to wonder why you are getting military benefits? This won't remain a secret, then the reaction of your families and the consequences after will be much worse.

If you're sure you'll be getting married "eventually" anyway, why not do it the right way?

[Carenza LaRue]

what moon, eclaire and zephii said....

[MissButterfly]

I agree with what has been said too. I can see why you would want to go for it, but to me marriage is something religious, important and certainly serious. It does come across as if you're only getting married for the legal benefits of it. What you said, that you two would get married at some point anyway, might be true, but who knows? It doesn't sound like you're ready and willing to make such a commitment, just that you both want to benefit from being legally married.
I'd say that if you really want to marry him for the right reasons, because you love him, then do it. But don't do it secretly. If you are serious about your relationship, then show your family that you are. If you're going to do this secretly I think they're only going to be hurt... Good luck!

[XxFranticLovexX]

I'm sorry, but I would probably take you far less seriously, and think of you as too childish for a marriage, if you were too scared to make your marriage public than I would if you just waited and proved that you were ready by doing it the right way. If you're so sure that they will think you're crazy for marrying him now, what do you think that they will think when they find out that you married him secretly now? If all you are after is benefits, then, tbh, that's kinda demeaning to relationships in general (including your own), especially those of military couples who actually marry for the want of being together. It's things like that which make it so difficult for those who want to be together.

But, if you actually do want to marry him, then, by all means, go for it. Just don't do so for the wrong reasons or live in fear (which is what worrying about being though of as 'crazy' is) of what someone else thinks. If you really love the man what other people say or think shouldn't matter. Being what is causing so much difficulty in the notion of the government taking other peoples relationships seriously should.

It's not honest or respectful, at all, to lie about such a major event in your life with no sound reasoning. I realize that the benefits would probably be nice, but the loss of respect and trust from your families and friends is a high price to pay for monetary and/or material gain.

“Be the change you wish to see in the world.”

[lucybelle]

Well, I'm actually for it! I think Rach posted on here a few weeks ago about a wedding she went to and turns out the couple had gotten married 3 years before and had never told anyone!! I thought that was kind of cool.

Plus, I'm planning on getting married in January and I'm not telling people in my family. I just want to get the legal stuff done so we can apply for a visa. I don't really get why Zephii thinks that not telling someone about a marriage makes it any less "real". Although, perhaps that's not really what she meant.

Anyways, if this is what you want to do then go for it! I think a really important part of marriage is the financial part. So why not reap the benefits??

[TwoThree]

I kinda agree with Lucybelle here.

Re: Zephii's post, I honestly feel like there should be a difference between legal marriage to facilitate visa procedures for people who live in different countries, and what the OP is proposing (getting married mainly for financial benefits). Maybe I don't view marriage as such a big deal (to me it's just a piece of paper, my relationship with my SO isn't made anymore serious or "holy" by it) as some others do, so that might explain my opinion, but I see absolutely nothing wrong with getting married in a quick civil ceremony with just two witnesses, proceeding with the bureaucracy involved with visa/residence permit application, AND THEN having a party for family and friends, to celebrate the start of our life together, if they really want to.

Regarding the OP, well it's kind of different, isn't it? It's not something I would necessarily approve of but then she's free to do whatever she wants and whatever makes her and her SO happy. If she thinks her family and friends won't aprove, well it's her life and she's the one who will face the consequences (if there are any). Obviously I don't know if there are legal ramifications to what she's planning on doing (with the Army and the government) but that should be thoroughly reseached beforehand. Good luck.

[Zephii]

Figured I should stop by and clarify. Which isn't as easy as I'd hoped it would be. It's interesting to really think about why you believe the things you do.

I guess I should start with - I don't think there's anything wrong with being married and not doing the ceremony bit, or spending too much money on a party if you're not into that. Weddings to me are not terribly important. Marriage itself, is different. When people know you're married they treat you differently. They afford you a certain level of respect you wont see even if you're in a long-term relationship for over ten years. And because there are people in society who aren't afforded that privilege I try my best not to take it for granted. Even if that were not so, your relationship IS made more serious by marriage. The government force that on you. Marriage carries a level of responsibility that some people may not be ready for. Also, marriage isn't that easy to get out of. You can't just break up and forget about it - which is a pretty immediate change. The first fight you have after you're married where you know that no matter how much they piss you off you're still stuck with them helps bring that fact home. There's also the massive responsibilities you end up with if your spouse dies.

I think if you're not ready to be locked into this kind of contract, if you're not ready to go all in as a married couple - to start putting "US" first in every aspect of your life, then you should not selfishly go and reap the benefits marriage brings. Those bonuses are there for the people who are paying the price by fulfilling their responsibility within the marriage.
I don't advocate getting married for visa purposes because usually when people do that they do it just for the visa, and would not ordinarily consider themselves ready for that step in life - but in your case Lucybelle, you live with your SO and have a combined life as a married couple would anyway. You are marrying to continue being together, which is a lot more in the spirit of things than marrying so that someone pays you more money.

I can't recall a place where I said marring secretly is less real, but yeah, not what I was going for. Rosalynn is obviously concerned about what people think about her relationship though - and this is a great way to be taken less seriously. You on the other hand (@ Lucybelle) have never given me the impression you give a rats arse about what society thinks If having people respect your relationship and take you seriously is a priority, marrying secretly when you're not ready for marriage simply because you want more money is not the way to go about that.

And yes I did note Rosalynn said her SO would be posted closer to her as well, which would be awesome - however, I never got the impression they are even close to being ready to live with each other, never mind being married.

So I guess, after too much thought, I think this kind of thing is wrong because I believe we have an obligation to our societies. I don't want random people migrating to my country in the pretense of doing so for love (and thus making it harder on the honest people). I don't want random people receiving my hard-earned tax pennies through lies. I don't want my country's resources to be wasted on the people who are not deserving of them or not ready to use them in the manner they are provided, etc. And so, when I decide what I do with my life (and when I give advice) I opt for the course that does not make me the kind of person I don't want in my society.

I wonder if that made any sense.

[princessmeg1328]

I think it depends on the circumstances. While I don't agree with keeping your marriage a secret, I don't think there's anything wrong with using the system to your benefit. I am also one of those people who have to have a visa in order to be with their SO. My fiance and I were planning a big wedding for May 2013, and we still are. However because of the new UK visa rules, we are unable to wait that long before applying for my visa. If we wait, I won't qualify so we are having our legal ceremony in November. We really tried hard to think of other options, but this is the only one we could think of.

I think you need to do what is best for you. Only you and your boyfriend really know what's best for you as a couple and for your future together. I hope, no matter what, that it all works out. Good luck!

[lucybelle]

Yeah I think I get what you're saying, Zephii. I hate that not everyone can get married, and that real relationships are denied visas, but I figure if you can get married then go ahead and take advantage of the benefits! My sister has considered marrying her boyfriend so he could get on the free, trans-Atlantic Airforce flights with her I don't really remember the reason the OP wanted to keep it a secret, and I don't feel like going back to page 1 (yeah, that lazy), but if that's what they decide is the best decision for them then I say go ahead and do it.

But, agreeing with Zephii here, marriage is a huge freaking deal. Don't consider it lightly.

[garnet]

Totally agree with Zephii. It's situations like this that make it so hard for those of us doing it the right way, for the right reasons.
If people weren't abusing the system, we wouldn't be heading into a new round of immigration nightmares, after being married for two years, and having a child together. But we are. So I don't take it well when anyone uses marriage to gain privileges, as their main reason. Maybe it isn't your MAIN reason, but your post made it sound that way.

We've gotten majorly screwed over more than once by IOs. And we never lied.

I just don't see marriage as something to hide. If you have to hide it, it probably isn't the right time for it.

[Rosalynn]

Wow, thanks for all the responses guys! I really appreciate it.

Now for my thoughts, round 2.

My SO and I will be getting married at some point in our lives. Right now our budget is extremely tight so we probably won't be able to have a ceremony and all that jazz for about 6+ years. But there's no question that a marriage is going to happen at some point. It's like we're getting the legal part out of the way early, and then going on with our relationship with an engagement and a ceremony that will happen a few years down the road. I completely understand the opinions of people who are concerned about the validity of our relationship/marriage. But we aren't abusing any system other than entering into it a few years early. And I'll send you a 50th wedding anniversary invitation :P

As for keeping it a secret... I could tell my whole family if I wanted too and they would be fine. They would congratulate me and my mother would scream with joy. But that's just how my family is. I want to keep it a secret though because I don't want to deprive my mother of the joys of telling her I'm engaged. I know that sounds ridiculous but I'm an only child and I mean the world to her. I'm smiling right now thinking about how happy she's going to be when I tell her that I'm engaged. And if I told her that I'm already legally married but I'll be getting engaged in a few years.. she'll be disappointed. Just like if I don't have kids, but that's a whole other story :P

And as for the "taking it seriously" bit, yeah some people in my life wouldn't take me seriously if I said I'm already married to my SO, and those people probably shouldn't be in my life. But I'm the kind of person who cares about what everyone thinks and just wants to make everyone happy. So it would be easier on the image of our relationship if we kept this on the hush until we have a ceremony.

By the way, I do plan on fessing up at my ceremony that we got married a while ago. I think it will make for an interesting confession :P But again, that's because of the people in my life. They are very understanding and just all around... awesome. My mom will be shocked and probably give me an "atta girl."

I don't remember the other points I wanted to touch on, so I'll post this and re-read some comments.

[Rosalynn]

Zephii, I really appreciated your thoughts on this. You're being the devil's advocate that I was hoping someone would be. Yes, we would be "dishonest" by no telling the people in our lives. But we will be telling a few people. I want to tell a close friend of mine and a few of his friends will be coming with us when we get married over Christmas. It's more some of my friends and my parents that I'll be keeping out of the loop. But if they were to ask me straight up if I'm married, I would tell them. We won't be getting married for any wrong reasons, a marriage will happen at some point. But I understand your concern and I'm sorry you need a visa to get married and there are people out there scamming that make it harder for you. But I'm not one of them.

Also, my SO and I are not religious and our ceremony that will happen a few years down the road will have no religious aspects in it. I'm one of the those people where marriage is the legal part, the relationship is the important part.

LucyBelle and princessmeg, thanks for your support! I appreciate it

After re-reading, I noticed a lot of people saying I'm doing this for the wrong reasons or in the wrong way. I'm sorry my original post made it seem like we're marrying for the money. We're marrying because we want to be together, we're just doing it a bit early to make our lives a bit easier in the mean time. But our marriage will be every bit valid and serious as any other married couple out there. I just think we're playing this intelligently but jumping the gun to make our future together easier. Aren't financial stresses the main cause of divorce?

By the way, we've lived together before and have had plenty of fights. And I have yet to think that I want to leave him, I more think that I want to rip his head off and then cuddle and make up later :P But leaving him never crosses my mind. There are simply no other combination of traits that I would rather be with. The chances of me ever meeting someone with a new combination of traits that I would find better is so small that I know we can get married now and have it last a life time. We have this crazy, honest and open relationship that I have yet to see in any other couple. Which is why I love him so much.