Secret Marriage

[Rosalynn]

I thought I'd quickly elaborate why people don't always take our relationship as seriously as we'd like. My SO and I sleep with other people while we're apart. The people are "pre-approved" and need to meet a set of criteria the other has laid out. But we do sleep with people other than each other. Most people are confused why we do this and assume there must be problems in our relationship. But there are no problems in our relationship associated with this. We both just like novelty and having sex. We will probably be doing this our entire marriage/relationship because it's what makes us happy.

We understand a "monogamish" relationship isn't for everyone, but we know it's for us. We know we'll be together until one of us dies and the "other" people are just for fun. They aren't a threat and just spice things us to keep us satisfied until we can see each other again. Although I can see this going on well into our marriage even when we're living together.

The nature our relationship is why people think we're a bit crazy. But it's only because we find it hard to find people with a mind as open as ours. And the people that will be coming with us for our early marriage are the ones that understand us. The close-minded family and friends will understand this kind of relationship more when they see we've been together for a long time.

[Dziubka]

Regarding the marriage thing:
I think getting benefits is a totally valid reason to get married. I mean, not if you're not in a relationship with that person, but if you're already in a committed relationship and intend to stay together.
There's no easy way out of marriage, at least over here divorce is crazy expensive. So I would consider carefully, whether the benefits are worth it. But if they are and you're sure you want to go through with it. There are worse reasons for getting married than wanting to be in the same place.

I thought I'd quickly elaborate why people don't always take our relationship as seriously as we'd like. My SO and I sleep with other people while we're apart. The people are "pre-approved" and need to meet a set of criteria the other has laid out. But we do sleep with people other than each other. Most people are confused we do this and assume there must be problems in our relationship. But there are no problems in our relationship associated with this. We both just like novelty and having sex. We will probably be doing this our entire marriage/relationship because it's what makes us happy.

We understand a "monogamish" relationship isn't for everyone, but we know it's for us. We know we'll be together until one of us dies and the "other" people are just for fun. They aren't a threat and just spice things us to keep us satisfied until we can see each other again. Although I can see this going on well into our marriage even when we're living together.

The nature our relationship is why people think we're a bit crazy. But it's only because we find it hard to find people with a mind as open as ours. And the people that will be coming with us for our early marriage are the ones that understand us. The close-minded family and friends will understand this kind of relationship more when they see we've been together for a long time.

Now regarding this: How does it even come up?
I'm trying to imagine my boyfriend and I having this sort of relationship and I can't figure how our families would even know about it. Do you discuss who you have sex with with your friends or parents?!
I guess our friends might find out if we met these other people while going out, but apart from that?

[Rosalynn]

Now regarding this: How does it even come up?
I'm trying to imagine my boyfriend and I having this sort of relationship and I can't figure how our families would even know about it. Do you discuss who you have sex with with your friends or parents?!
I guess our friends might find out if we met these other people while going out, but apart from that?

We are very open and honest with our friends and family. My friends know pretty much all about our separate sex lives, and my immediate family (pretty much only my mom) knows about 50%. We don't like secrets and the people who can handle the idea of a monogamish relationship are quite supportive of us. The close-minded people just carry on in their close-minded ways.

[Zephii]

Zephii, I really appreciated your thoughts on this. You're being the devil's advocate that I was hoping someone would be. Yes, we would be "dishonest" by no telling the people in our lives. But we will be telling a few people. I want to tell a close friend of mine and a few of his friends will be coming with us when we get married over Christmas. It's more some of my friends and my parents that I'll be keeping out of the loop. But if they were to ask me straight up if I'm married, I would tell them. We won't be getting married for any wrong reasons, a marriage will happen at some point. But I understand your concern and I'm sorry you need a visa to get married and there are people out there scamming that make it harder for you. But I'm not one of them.

Also, my SO and I are not religious and our ceremony that will happen a few years down the road will have no religious aspects in it. I'm one of the those people where marriage is the legal part, the relationship is the important part.

To clarify, we don't need a visa to marry, nor do we need to be married to get a visa. We just need a visa to be in the same country, which is a priority of ours However - because so many people think marriage is just this big convenient joke the fact we are married no longer counts for dick legally. Yesterday I spent the better part of my afternoon writing out nine pages of the "total history of the relationship" to prove we're genuine. To prove that we're together out of love and are of "good character" rather than because he wants to move here. And he's from Canada for frick sake - not even some third world country. It's humiliating, but that's a rant for another thread haha.

I don't get how you're honest enough to tell them you're both sleeping around (I'm cool with monogamish, btw) but you think it's necessary to not tell them about being married, because like, to me, that stuff should be at opposite sides of this spectrum. But hey, people are wired differently and that makes life fun.
The more people who know this secret though, the less likely it'll remain a secret.

I still stand by the fact that if you're ready to be married in a few years -then get married in a few years. Like, when I was ready to start breeding and Obi wasn't, he was like "oh I'll be ready in a couple of years" now, I had no guarantee he actually would be ready nor did he because no one actually knows what they are going to be thinking and feeling in a couple of years or six... so, obviously me using the logic of "well, we can have kids now, and you can start being a real father in a few years when you're ready..." wouldn't have stuck. You see how that doesn't work at all right?
So how does "we're not ready for marriage now, but we will be in a few years, so let's marry now and step up to that responsibility later" work?

Yes, finances are a big reason for divorce and it's good you're thinking about that and coming up with a plan, but part of being able to deal with finances as a couple is having limited funds to do it with so you learn to work together, not working out how to scam more money out of somewhere so that you have plenty and don't need to worry and develop those skills. That wont teach you anything to use in your marriage later, and wont prevent your divorce.

[Rosalynn]

Zephii, you missed the part where I said we're ready for marriage now, just not financially. We can't afford a reception or rings or anything like that. We have two cars to pay off and a house plus my student loans. And we know the quicker we can get our dept paid off the quicker we can put more money into our investments. We have a decent amount into investments right now, but not nearly as much as we would like. And we know the importance of getting your money in as soon as possible. We work hard now, and can play later :P We are great at working together. We each have a set amount we keep in the bank to cover for emergencies and the rest goes on whatever debt has the highest interest rate (which right now is his car, but that's almost paid off!!)

And again, I could tell my whole family that we're getting legally married and they'd be fine with it. But I want to be able to surprise my mother with the news that I'm engaged, and being already married when I tell her that (and having her know) would take away from it. And in order to surprise my family, I'll have to keep pretty much everyone in the dark, minus the few people in my life I can actually trust.

[TerriW312]

Rosalynn, after hearing all your reasons I think that if getting married to your SO is what you want to do then go for it If I were going to do the "secret marriage" thing I would have very different reasons than yours though.

And in regards to the monogamish relationship, I applaud you for being confident enough to do that. My SO suggested it for when I go away to school and I had a complete breakdown (lots of self-esteem issues).

Just do what makes you happy

[Tooki]

I don't see a real problem with this. The big thing to consider is that they don't have the Visa issues that us international folk have. They are both Canadian, and are only doing this to be entitled to extra benefits that the military can offer to her boyfriend. This doesn't have anything to do with immigration, to be honest. This is a domestic situation.

I would hardly call it a scam Zephii. You could say that I'm 'scamming' the Australian government by spending the money I get for studying, in the Eurozone when I visit her for 3 months during my summer study break. They are a legitimate couple, that are only fast-forwarding a grand marriage to get extra benefits. I do get what you are saying, but this isn't a situation of a rich Chinese family paying an Australian tens of thousands of dollars to marry their daughter (who is here on a study visa) to give her quicker access to PR.

Onto the moral side of it. I will probably have to marry my GF, before I can think about moving with her to Europe. Her and I have spoken about this. We love each other a lot, and we do want to marry each other. The problem we have is financial. I'm still studying, she is still studying and neither of us are affluent. We can't afford the ceremony that she wants (and deserves). I could definitely see us going through this sort of situation, because I highly highly doubt I can get a work visa within the EU (especially given the Eurozone crisis), even though I will have a university degree.

And Rosalynn, do it if you feel it is right.

[Rosalynn]

Thanks Tooki and Terri

It's still a ways away, the marriage wouldn't happened until December when he's home again (hopefully on our dating relationship!). I'm still thinking about it and I might change my mind. But I'm glad people see my point of view and understand that we don't have malicious intentions, we would just be speeding things up a bit to pay off the debt.