Getting engaged...at the wrong age?

[reeseismypiece]

So my SO has recently been really pushing this idea of marriage towards me...he says he wants to finish up highschool and he had a "surprise" for me after he graduated. Now with all this marriage talk I've been a little on edge, we've discussed it before and we are completely ready for marriage to each other mentally, personally we can look at each other and say for sure we would spend our lives together. My only issue is the fact that seems so sudden and I'm only in college and he'd be right out of highschool. I am stuck at a crossroads because he wants to marry before he goes off into the military, that way if anything should happen he believes I will be taken care of. I don't know much about military policies and what happens with spouses because I've never had to really consider things like that before.

Now for me, I wanted a decent wedding between us and a nice honeymoon. Nothing too big but nothing like getting married at a Las Vegas alter. My family's reactions to young marriage hasn't been all that great. Recently my 21 year old sister's friend got married and my mother commented "How can she get married so young?" I've brought up marriage to my Aunt before and she told me not to even think about it...that it was a lifetime commitment I wasn't ready for. Then I brought up a story about a friend of mine from highschool who recently got engaged to her boyfriend who is in the Navy, we have both just recently graduated this year so my parents said, "What a stupid thing to do". My boyfriend, hearing all this negative stuff towards young marriage, is completely unmoved by them. He said he loved me, it didn't matter what they thought or said, and wanted this for us both because we have been working towards it from day 1. He said they can see how happy we become when we have our children younger than them, raise them and send them off and still be young enough after to enjoy our lives together and go to new places around the world.

So I'm just concerned...buying rings and getting hitched is one thing. But I had all these plans for a wedding ever since I was a little girl. I love him and I don't want to sound like I care much about a ceremony but I guess I do alittle, and to me it sounds like he just plans to whisk me away to the next pastor, say the vows whether my family is there or not then leave me behind while he does his Army stuff. He and I are both reluctant to wait though because we both fear something may happen to him, though we both want different reasons for us to be married then, besides of course loving each other to take it to that level. (I want to marry him so I can know what it is like to be his wife and have his last name, he wants that but also wants me taken care of if something should happen and for me to get any money he makes in the military when he's gone.)

It just seems as time grows closer to him ending highschool and going off into the Army, I get more and more stressed out and worried. I'm 18, going to college, still live with my parents and have no job (though i'm looking into that)...now marriage? Is it possible to get married like that? Feeling ready mentally but physically not feeling in the right place in life? Has anyone here gotten married to their SO young? Or know someone who's gotten married at a young age? Did things work out with them? What kind of wedding could you even have at 18? To you, is there ever a wrong age to get married?

Sorry for ranting guys, its just a really big thing for me and my SO to seriously consider and I wanted to know your personal opinions! And yes I know I'm only 18, but we both are very serious in this relationship, we went into it hoping for more than just a "fling" because we both believe in a monogamous relationship.

[lucybelle]

I'm extremely cynical and do not think any 18 year olds should be getting married. Especially if he seems to be "pushing" the idea on you. That's not okay. And if you want a big elaborate ceremony then that's what you should get! I think it sounds like you want to wait, so tell him that. If you really are going to be together forever, then wait to have that big wedding you've always dreamed of. It'll be worth it.

Best wishes

[kittyo9]

There isn't really a difference between getting married now and waiting and getting married later if you're both committed to one another. Maybe you might consider just waiting until you can have the kind of wedding you want-- especially, wait until you have the financial resources to do something like that. Perhaps by that time you will feel like you are better able to make the decision without it being frowned upon. I'd be a little wary of a boyfriend pushing marriage so young, though. Sometimes it's just because he has this big, over-romantic picture in his head of "wow, omg, she's the one, we have to get married!" and it turns out to be just a rush of emotions that he didn't really think about. That doesn't mean you aren't meant to be together! It just means that you are both still young and you are more prone to make rash decisions.

I know a girl who got married at 19 and she was divorced by 21... just saying!

[Zephii]

As a side note, there are plenty of serious relationships that are not strictly monogamous.

But anyway, Uhm... Well I think back to being 18. I was planning a wedding too. I knew the man I'd eventually marry, but it wasn't the guy I was dating. Frankly, I'd rather be dead than married to they guy I was dating at 18, so I'd probably have killed myself by now. I'm not even joking. See, the thing is, I'm not ever the same person I was back then, I've learnt so much, gone through so much. So for me personally, I think people should wait until puberty is well and truly over and your brain chemistry has finished developing. I don't think 21 is too young, but 18 is streching it for me... simply because if you are going to be together forever you have forever in which to marry.

Something that truly alarmed me in your post (being the big fat pregnant bitch I am right now) is he mentioned how your parents one day will see how happy you are because you've had your kids young and can go travel the world etc.

Well, if he's away in the military and you're having kids young... that means you're raising those kids more or less completely by yourself. I don't know much about military stuff, but I know the men folk never seem to be home. Is that what you want for your life? Stuck raising his kids, not having your own career for many years (til your youngest starts school I imagine) doing it all yourself? The night feeds, the childhood illnesses... who's there when you get sick? No one, so you need to take care of the kids while you feel like death. Not fun. Especially not when most of your peer group are down at the pub

Yes I see you have family. Family who, by the sounds of it, will most likely think you're a moron for having gotten married and knocked up to a boy who isn't around to finish growing up with you. They may help with the kids, or they may not. You can't count on it, see? So that worries me. Because pregnancy alone isn't easy, and I know right now I can't imagine something worse than my husband being far away while I go through these changes.

Speaking of changes, the military is hard. It too changes people. It's a very unique environment, and for those who end up anywhere near the actual fighting that has huge impact too, not always positive.
It's nice he wants to support you financially, but I get this feeling he has a very romanticized view of how the world works. Yep, people die fighting for their countries, but they don't die in bootcamp (generally). Wont he have quite a bit of training to undergo before he's shipped off to endanger himself?

There's no reason I can see that he cant go and start his military career, earn some money for the wedding, deepen his relationship with you... wait until he can at least get a grudging approval from your family (because a marriage is a joining of families, it's not just some romantic thing couples do).

Those are just my thoughts on the matter. You don't sound like you want to do this yet, and marriage is something you want to be ready for. See where this road takes you for a while instead.

[Moon]

I got married at 21 because he joined the navy, and told me the same garbage you're hearing. WORST fucking mistake I ever made, and I was three years older than you are now. I was divorced by 24. Do not do it, just don't. I don't care that someone's uncle's aunt's cousin got married at 14 and were married for 64 years in the 1940's, I'm telling you, if you have the tiniest bit of doubt, listen to it. At 18, your brain isn't even finished growing yet, you have your whole life ahead of you, there's no rush. If it's right, it'll still be right in a few years. Marriage has so much more involved in it than just love, love alone will not make a successful marriage!

[Sora1101]

Amen to all the posters above me they said all I wanted to. The only thing I'm going to add is that think seriously about you life situation right now, you live at home with your parents with no job and in school. Marriage is a hugeeee commitment and the thing is it takes a lot of effort to make it work. Of course the first few months are all roses and sunshine but in a few years it'll take work, especially if you'll be alone raising kids. You have your whole life to get married so why rush into it if you don't even have the money to do it the way you want to? If you take your vows seriously then that's the only wedding you'll ever have do you really want to do it in a rush while your whole family won't be there to celebrate with you? I especially want to point out that Zephii made an excellent point, war changes people in ways you can't even imagine if you do decide to marry him make sure you're ready to put up with things like PTSD, heavy alcohol drinking, possible drug use, mood swings etc. Do you want young children around that?

[lucybelle]

I especially want to point out that Zephii made an excellent point, war changes people in ways you can't even imagine if you do decide to marry him make sure you're ready to put up with things like PTSD, heavy alcohol drinking, possible drug use, mood swings etc. Do you want young children around that?

I think that's a little dramatic.

But still, don't get married at 18.

[Haley53]

I got married at 21 because he joined the navy, and told me the same garbage you're hearing. WORST fucking mistake I ever made, and I was three years older than you are now. I was divorced by 24. Do not do it, just don't. I don't care that someone's uncle's aunt's cousin got married at 14 and were married for 64 years in the 1940's, I'm telling you, if you have the tiniest bit of doubt, listen to it. At 18, your brain isn't even finished growing yet, you have your whole life ahead of you, there's no rush. If it's right, it'll still be right in a few years. Marriage has so much more involved in it than just love, love alone will not make a successful marriage!

I agree with this.

My mother also got married young as a result of my father's pressure. He was in the police force and said similar to the things your boyfriend is saying, even if the police and the military are completely different from one another. She dropped out of her PhD program, didn't go for her licensing despite having almost all her necessary hours to apply, and got her Master's instead. Was married young, had children soon after, and where was my father? Working and sleeping around and when he wasn't working or cheating, sleeping at the apartment he was granted by his work. I'm not emphasising his work and infidelity so much as I'm emphasising the fact he fed her the same BS you're getting about a family and marriage (all the things you'll supposedly do once you have children, the benefits of being married, you'll be taken care of, etc.). Whether your boyfriend actually believes it or not, I'm not sure, but in the end, for as much as the military and police force tout you'll be taken care of, you are, in many cases, an isolated single mother. You have your education to think about and your whole life to think about getting married without having to worry about becoming a single mother at 18 while your boyfriend gallumphs about in the military. In the end, of course it's your decision, but I think you need to think about how you'll feel about being an isolated, single mother raising children on your own, potentially having to give up your college education depending on the amount of resources you have, with the only income coming from a father who's never around (coming from a fatherless home, I can say it does have repercussions on the children) and who's not going to help you out or take care of you in the ways he might like to because he can't. Entering into this lifestyle may mean giving up everything you want to do for you. What if he has to move? What then? Are you going to up and move with him? What happens if no one helps you raise the children? Will you still be able to continue your education? etc. In my opinion, you're too young to be thinking about giving up everything, and frankly, I think yes, you're right: you're not, at this stage in life, in a place to get married.

[Malaga]

Why would you want to get married so young anyway? It's not even about knowing you're right for each other. Getting married or even engaged means committing to making all your plans, decisions, ambitions, finances reflect on the lives of two people. That's sharing responsibility for someone else's future when you've never even been responsible for just your own. Why would you jump into something like that when you don't even know what responsibility tastes like? Why not relax and have fun together without rushing to grow up and get tangled up in marriage, mortgage, kids, nappies, when you're still kids yourselves?

So in 20 years when your kids grow up you'll be able to travel and see the world. Why don't you go now? You have no kids now to worry about. And you're wrong if you think you'll have more time or more money in 20 years time. You'll never be as free and able to live out what you like as you are now. When nobody depends on you.

[Xanahtas]

Haha, i feel rather out of place posting this right now :L I'm 17, and getting married next year just after i turn 18.

There's a few things in that post that concern me.
-You say you dont feel ready and that he is pushing you into it. If you have ANY doubts, dont go ahead with it. Marriage is a big deal, you cant just walk away from it.

-Another, neither of you have jobs or any way to support yourselves yet. To have a successful marriage you need to be able to support each other financially and not completely rely on one another. You shouldnt even consider getting married without having at least got a diploma of some sort. Money issues will always push a marriage to the brink.

-Military. Its hard, its a big change and it changes people in it. If he has been out on deployment and seen his mates die infront of him, blown up in front of him, he wont be the same guy when he comes back.

You seem to have no family support either. Families are a big help when it comes to getting married young.
Im lucky in the fact that i do have a job, my SO has money behind him and a job. We have family support and they are willing to help us and look out for us while we get things sorted. and neither of us have doubts. We have both already said that if even for a second we have doubts that we would have to talk about it and make sure we were actually ready for this and maybe even considering waiting longer.

It sounds like to me that you need to wait a while. Until you have jobs, money behind you and support from family. When he gets in the military, and got some money together, and when you have a job and money, maybe then consider it.

Everyone else has pretty much covered it. I thought i'd just be good to hear it from someone who is young and getting married.

And in answer to you question about the kinda wedding. I'd always dreamed of having a big wedding and having it all perfect. But then when my SO and I had discussed marriage, i realised i didnt need to splash out on a big wedding and spend thousands. So we're just having a small do with close family and friends. When it comes down to it, all thats important to us is that we're getting married and making a life long commintment to each other, which means a lot of hard work to keep it happy, being legally responsible for each other and all that stuff.

I think all that made sense... haha

ETA: For us, Kids are a loooong way off yet, i wouldnt get wrapped up in kids this young. theres way too much to deal with when kids are involved. And with him in the military, you will likely bring those kids up by yourself, while handling bills and being a young wife.

[floridaellen]

If this had been a topic about half a year ago, I would have replied "Omg get married it will be all rainbows and butterflies". During that time I was experiencing some mad engagement fever... it was crazy. Now I don't want to get married until I'm at least 22-23 (I'm 19 now).

At that time, my best friend and her Marine husband had just gotten married. She was 18 (5 days before her 19th birthday) and he was 20. They got married because of the reasons you talked about in your post: military benefits. Their parents were not supportive. They both still lived at home and made very little money. It wasn't really the wedding she wanted but it was what they could afford and put together in four months. It's now a little over six months later. They signed the divorce papers last week.

Now, I don't believe that all young marriages fail. My parents got married right after my mom finished college. My dad had one year left. They were 22, young by today's standards. But there were major differences between the two relationships. My parents had their education. They had a few extra years of life experience under their belts. Their relationship was older (6 years as opposed to my best friend's relationship of 2.5 years). They had the support of their families. They did not have the pressure of the military to force them to make a decision.

My best friend now says she wishes she had listened to that little voice inside her head saying not to get married so young. If you are having those doubts, I would suggest waiting so you are not married at basically 19 and divorced by 19. Not saying your marriage will necessarily fail - I wish I could see into the future like that! But the doubt is not a good indicator.

[Sora1101]

I think that's a little dramatic.

But still, don't get married at 18.

It might be a bit dramatic but it is still a possibility even if it is a very slim one, better to know all of the possibilities than be blind sided if the guy you love came home from war a completely different person.

[Haley53]

It might be a bit dramatic but it is still a possibility even if it is a very slim one, better to know all of the possibilities than be blind sided if the guy you love came home from war a completely different person.

And to back this one up, depending on where he serves, for how long, and what he sees, PTSD isn't all that unrealistic of an expectation and PTSD can change someone completely, depending on the severity.

[reeseismypiece]

Thanks for all the replies guys! It was interesting reading all your responses and experiences!

I'm going to clarify that he's not pressuring me, he was "pushing" the idea but in a way that is mainly to show me that he intends to marry me someday and that its been on his mind a lot lately, not in "i want to get married so you want to too now" way. I'm assuming he is taking this off the fact I once told him "I would like to get married before you go into the military" (I said that when I assumed he'd be going to a college first) I still honestly would like to marry him before military, its just at 18...it seemed very confusing to me...like how it'd be all planned and how family would react, though I know they would accept our adult decision in the end.

As for kids, we have NO intentions of having them until 24 at the earliest. He meant having them younger than my parents who had me in their late 30's. All of my family waited till 30's to have their children, so I was always used to parents being WAY older and children being semi-young, he would like us to kind of have them earlier, let them grow up, then enjoy the rest of our days together doing what we like. Even then I think I am only up for one child...maybe 2 but I am in no position right now to be even thinking about kids! So don't think I'm kid crazy at 18. We will wait until he has served at least 5 years, then decide from there if we are prepared for children or not.

We know full well the changing that goes on with people in military. We've had the discussion more times than I'd like to and my boyfriend is a perfect soldier inside and out, literally born for the job. Hes mentally trained for it his entire life and I believe that it will be different, but like many other women have, I am willing to wait out the time for him and adapt to his ever changing self. Chris (SO) is very...emotionally detached from people besides myself and family. He has trained himself not to get close to others so he won't have feelings for them if they should get hurt. Doesn't mean he doesn't care about other people, just means he is ready for a job that will take away comrades...and where he can take the life of anyone who opposes him. He has promised to keep his war life separate from home life when he comes back, and regardless if he stays true to this I have promised to take care of him and love him.

Anyway, he hasn't changed his mind set on being married to me, though he has considered waiting a one to two more years for it when I brought up particular things. I've been researching it and there are a lot of young couples still happily married, especially military ones that were married young. And I honestly believe marriage is on the maturity level of the two people getting married, I believe that we are both ready to make the commitment but at the same time I do want to be more financial stable in my life and I preferred to "planning" a wedding instead of at a courthouse...but at the same time I know I will be perfectly happy just getting to be with him in the end, regardless of a wedding big or small or whenever the time is! I also have heard a lot of "you need to live life first!" from people, which I don't seem to understand because they treat marriage as if that's the end of my world! I cannot say it will be an easy life, I will miss him, and I will face hardships but I think all marriages do regardless if your 18 or 45...yes, I still have a lot of growing up to do, but I think marriage will enhance that, though I will like to wait just a bit longer, right out of high school for my boyfriend seems a bit much. I want us both to sit down and consider what a big step this will be for us, for our family, for how life will be. Marriage is becoming a one true partnership, financially, physically, and mentally...and even if we change I know me and my SO will be married one day, whether its the near future or in a few years. What I'm trying to say is, for some people, they grow up and get bored of each other, for us, every new day we have is just another day for us to love each other even more. So no matter how I change, I couldn't see myself standing at the alter with anyone else in this world!

Again, thanks everyone, I did bring up a lot of what you guys mentioned to my SO, and like I said he seems to be thinking a lot more about it, planning it out more in his head. I don't know what will be happen, but we are going to work it out as responsible adults, not as children desperate to get married. I mainly posted the thread to see what you all had to say about it because you guys are older and have had experiences both good and bad. I value the opinions and advice of all the LFAD members! Thank you guys!

[Softy]

This is only my opinion...

But I think it's a tad young to get married.
What i was and what i wanted at 20 yrs old and what i am and want now are different things.

And I do believe in marriage and I wish to everyone that gets married to be happy and not have a divorce.

And if he loves you, he should not mind waiting a tad more.

Time for your relationship to keep growing, time for you to live together and for you to have a stable job that you will like.


When you build a house, you want to make sure the foundations are solid.
It can only be a good thing to wait and grow stronger together.
And then you can get the wedding you both want.

If he loves you, he shouldn't push you and he will be happy to wait for you to be ready.

: )