"Two" Weddings

[nicole]

Yeah don't let those knotties brainwash you- I really think those that go psycho at people about this are the ones which then go on to the baby forums a few years down the road to terrorize the poor mothers on those. I've read some threads like that on there and it makes me glad I do not know any of them personally, because they sound like complete crazy bitches the way they carry on. " HOW CAN YOU LIVE WITH YOURSELF??? THE MEMORY OF A COURTHOUSE WEDDING FOREVER?? HOW WILL YOU SLEEP AT NIGHT???" like really come on, many people are not it that perfect position to have the "wedding industry standard" what is it to these women if I want 2 ceremonies? I stopped going on there after a few of those threads blew up. Offbeatbride is way more respectful of different situations- they call it getting "weddinged" on there, which I think is awesome

I am having 2, because I came here through the fiance visa. You have no idea when you will get approved, so you can't have a solid wedding date, then you only have 90 days to get married once you enter the US. Funnily enough after 8 months of being on separated, I didn't want to hold off being with my man any longer to plan a big wedding. I was done waiting, so getting the legal stuff done and dusted so we can start a proper life together was the most practical solution. Also, due to the way the visa works, I needed to get married in America and no venue in America would be what I wanted. I've always wanted my wedding to be in a castle or old building as I have been obsessed with them since I was a little girl, and America doesn't have any that I consider "old" when you grow up in a city founded in 72AD, you get spoiled on History

I have other reasons for wanting a 2nd wedding in England too; my Grandfather has Alzheimer's disease, and during World War 2, crash landed a plane and broke both his knee caps- he has metal caps now. He is dying, and not capable of flying 10 hours to my wedding. This will probably be the only of his granchildren's weddings he will live to see, as none of my cousins or my sister are in a relationship, let alone close to getting married. He probably won't remember my wedding for long, sometimes he doesn't even know who I am, but I want to do this for him, visa and greencard be damned.

I haven't forgotten on the blog posts by the way- I got side tracked working on the first one, but it's coming!

[Zephii]

It's interesting, two wedding seems to be the standard answer to the international problem, and some people put a bit of pressure on Obi and I to do that, but I'm against it for myself. I'm of the mind that it is a waste of time/money. It is pointless (to me. not judging other people's choices here. "real" is a perception, it's about intent - if it's real for you that's great, but for me, it's not "real")

Granted, I'm lucky. Australia gives you nine months to get married if you come in on a fiancee visa, rather than 90 days. And they don't let you immigrate if you're poor - so likely you have the money for the wedding at the time you apply for the visa. Yeah, there's some guesswork involved with setting a date, but they don't let you apply for the visa if you have not set one, and they tell you roughly how long the visa will process for and that helps.

But I kinda feel if you don't have the money to get married, then don't get married (again, I'm lucky, my country recognises defacto relationships), or compromise and have a less expensive wedding. I feel it's terribly impractical to wait until you have money to blow it all on a celebration of something that happened ages ago, or to take a life step that you've already actually taken. That feels redundant to me.
The biggest reason for having only one wedding Obi and I gave to people who asked was that weddings are not about just two people. It's not about us - if it was about the couple you'd think people would have less demands and mothers would be less interfering! - it's about binding two families together. It's about taking those two families and creating a third. (My view on this was very challenged when my sister eloped though. That was very much about the couple, and still very beautiful. But then, one could say there are two ways to start a marriage, with a wedding or with an elopement!)

Now, I'm religious, so I totally understand the need to have that part involved, but within my religion it's about the right of passage - it's a ritual of transformation - thus from that angle it makes absolutely no sense to do it after a few years of being married. It's not about getting God's approval or having him know that you're now all clear to have sex, because the pagan Gods don't really give a rat's A about that stuff.
Additionally, people are all like "we're having the <religious ceremony> later" but what they mean is "we're putting on a show and then having a big party later" because they're not actually religious. And really, if it were about the religion, they could do that the same day as the legal stuff - the church bit isn't about the showy dress and the masses of people, it's about you and your god(s). You don't have to wait for that. I've never seen a religious text that stipulated "you must have an expensive ceremony with 100 witnesses".

So, if the legal and religious "transitions" are out of the equation what does that leave you with? A big expensive party. The things that make it a wedding aren't there. This is my logic.

With that said, one day I'd really love for Obi and I to renew our vows - and that tends to look a lot like a wedding, and normal people think it's lame and a waste of money. I also don't think it's weird when people host huge anniversary parties. So it occurs to me that I'm just really strange, and that you shouldn't listen to anything I've said haha.

I hope this isn't too patchy or offensive. There's a lot of baby fussing/ feeding / naked dancing husband stuff happening at my house today and I'm having trouble concentrating. So please accept my apology for this dodgy post

[13000km]

We got married in Singapore under the church, but are not legally married, the reason being we needed to be in Singapore >21 days and our trip just wasn't long enough for that. So, we are getting legally married here in the US on Saturday. We will be in the same wedding outfits and our guests will be dressed nice. (: A young pastor will be marrying us, we will be repeating our vows after him, then we will sign the marriage license. We are doing the second ceremony because most of our family and friends here did not make it to the Singapore wedding and it means a lot to them to see us exchange vows. After the ceremony we will head to a non-fancy restaurant in our fancy clothes and have a good time. (:

Maybe after Saturday I can comment on whether or not the second ceremony felt fake or not. (:

[oneaussieboy]

If there is an international element, then I can understand the need to have two ceremonies. The first ceremony is often necessary to satisfy the marriage criteria to get a visa.

Perhaps they also do ceremonies in case that its impossible to get both sides of the family together.

My SO and I are doing exactly this for exactly these two reasons. I want to move to the US as soon as I finish my degree (in two years). Getting a US visa is not an easy process, especially without a job offer (difficult, if you're overseas), unless you're planning on getting married within three months of immigrating, but at the same time I'm not going to be able to afford the big beautiful wedding my SO deserves until I've been working for a year or two.

We both had the same concern as you originally, that the second marriage wouldn't be "real", until we realised that at the end of the day, a wedding ceremony is about getting together with people you care about to celebrate the fact that you're going to spend the rest of your lives together. Whether this is on the same day as becoming legally married, or ten years later, makes absolutely no difference.

[Dwessie]

Honestly I like the idea where you gather everyone in the courthouse, and if you want a bigger ceremony, you can do it as an anniversary party

[Navyprincess]

I am one who is having two weddings. We got married in the court house with his family and we are having a "formal" wedding 2016 the reason for this is my husband is in the military and we needed to be married to receive bah so we could finally close the distance by getting an apartment together. My husband wants to give me the wedding I have always dreamed of but since we have to furnish an entire apartment we couldnt afford it at the time we got married so we're planning the formal wedding for after my husband gets back from deployment giving us time to save.

[Hollandia]

In some countries the only "legal" wedding is the civil ceremony. Your parents could wish to be there for the "real" moment you marry and the space might be too small for the extended family and friends. Some people still really want the religious service as well.

I did a large church one before and he is an atheist, so it really does not bother us. I am very happy his parents want to be there, it will make the trip more special. Our plans have changed several times but it now will be his mom and dad coming to the small civil service in Gibraltar and then fly back with us to Netherlands for a small gathering with his family and friends, then back to Belfast to finalize immigration papers and hopefully next year a trip over to USA to celebrate our first year anniversary with my family and friends. It is all just about whatever makes each couple happy.

[TaraMarie]

We are also doing two weddings. We will be married in a small ceremony in NY with family and NY friends, then two weeks later get married on a cruise with our Georgia family, my kids, and friends. This will actually be a vow renewal. I am excited!

[differentcountries]

With my husband I had two weddings, a month or so apart. The biggest reason to have two weddings was that we couldn't invite my inlaws and my brother in law to the same event, because they refuse to speak to one another. We didn't want to just invite one party, or inviting both and risk that none of them came. My husband has a small family, his parents and his only sibling are very important to him.

We got married at the courthouse in the capital, with our parents and four witnesses, then some other friends came unannounced at the doorstep of the courthouse (like I always dreamed of!), and we enjoyed strawberries and champagne. Then we all had dinner at the French restaurant there. Church wedding was not an option as my husband was legally my wife at the time and so we would not be allowed.

The next party was with his brother, my siblings and all the friends we had room for. We rented a room in our city and made the food ourselves, had speaches and dancing. I remember I was very overwealmed and cried a lot at our first wedding, our second wedding was lots of fun. I had the same red and golden wedding dress in both weddings.

If my boyfriend and I will have an event to celebrate our relationship, I imagine we will have two (or three) events it in two countries. It is simply very costly to move people about, and none of the Turks would be allowed to Norway, and so it will be better for US to get on planes. To me weddings are about gathering as many people as you can, to witness your dedication to one another.

[vicks5721]

We are going to have two weddings one at the courthouse because with the fiance visa we have only 3 months from when I arrive to marry, so for immigration reasons and also the K1 visa things have been expensive so it will save money to get married at the courthouse first with just his parents there. Then we will have our second wedding with family and friends traditional pastor marry us, as we are Christians and getting married in front of eyes of God is important to us, also for me specially there is the romantic element with having a traditional second wedding, and it is lovely to have family and friends there.

my family members though can't afford to fly to America for our wedding, either one, so probably we will go to England on hoilday in the future and celebrate with my family in England with either a party or go out for a meal at a restaurant.

[MyHindiHeart]

I had first thought to do this as well. I think, though, we will have a traditional wedding in India, and then a wedding ceremony or celebration here in America.

[lovezthelelz]

I'm on the same page as OP here... nothing against those who choose to have two weddings, but it didn't make sense to me. We had a small civil ceremony, just around 10 people in attendance. We discussed the idea of having a bigger wedding party down the road, but decided against it. It seemed... fake to me. We're already married, everyone knows we are married, having a second wedding just seemed weird. And like it would be nothing more than an unnecessary expense. We were happy with our super simple, inexpensive celebration of our love, everyone who mattered was there, and that was enough for us I can of course understand why other couples choose to have two, but it wasn't for me.