Cohabiting Before Marriage

[Verojoon]

My SO and I would prefer to live together before being married but the nature of International LDR is that it may not be possible.But whether we were to just move together or get married first, it will be a very large decision with a lot of forethought. My ex husband and I just kinda slid into living together... basically to get rid of a roomate who was way too dependent on him.. Then when things didn't work out, I moved out.. but we didn't break up and somehow he ended up sliding into living with me at my mother's. We grew apart in the time before then and I lost all my attraction to him... but I had become too dependent on our relationship to leave. But after a while I did try to leave. Twice. Both times were extremely traumatic and he involved my whole family in the process.. he was also very good at making me doubt my ability to make it on my own.. and he completely broke down and I felt too guilty to leave... After the second time, I felt like maybe we should get married. Maybe I was unhappy because our relationship wasn't progressing... so this is how we slid into marriage.. and subsequently lid into having children...

The big thing I took away from the original post wasn't so much that the legal documents of marriage kept people together but just the fact that some people who take marriage seriously and discuss it thoroughly before the fact may be more equipped in moving in together? Of course this is not everyone... but after my experiences, I would not make the mistake of moving in with someone so fast. (I moved with my ex-husband after being with him 2 months)... It is actually the one luxury of our ldr and how long it is taking until we can close the distance, we actively discuss the logistics of living together and are trying to work out many of our problems and discussing and practicing problem-solving issues. I think this comes out of both experience, age (I'm 32 now!) and having no choice but to take things slow... I feel that if we do get married, I will be much better equipped to deal with married life because of the amount of thought we have put into it...

[Sunbeam]

For my (new) fiance and I, moving in together is/was a huge commitment.
He left his job of 2 years, and moved 2000some miles to live with me because my elderly grandparents posed an issue for me leaving.
It has not been easy.
We have to look for jobs, look after my grandparents, we had to take my grandma to the hospital this morning.
And this stuff causes issues. It's not easy living together.
And marriage may be harder, but I think this time will test us to make sure we are ready to marry when we do.

[TooFarAway]

Well, me and my baby are kinda in a Romeo and Juliet situation (we can't really do that cohabiting thingy), so shotgun wedding in Vegas baby <3

Side note: Did you know that there's Las Vegas drive-thru weddings? lololol we're probably going to have to do that xD

[digitalfever]

Well, me and my baby are kinda in a Romeo and Juliet situation (we can't really do that cohabiting thingy), so shotgun wedding in Vegas baby <3

Side note: Did you know that there's Las Vegas drive-thru weddings? lololol we're probably going to have to do that xD

Do they give you a slice of cake through the window? I'd think that's so cute.

[jennifer]

each and every relationship is different and according to me giving each other time is the best solution to all the problems... i completely agree that staying with the person before marriage can be beneficial cuz this way we come to know all the qualtities about our SO whether they are good or bad!... so cohabiting before marriage gets my thumbs up!!!!

[Jess!]

I don't think of moving in together, in general, as a really major life decision. I think it's definitely a bigger decision for LD couples than for CD couples.

I think it is important to think about the implications, for sure, but I've been living with roommates (sometimes crazy ones) for 5 years now because of university, and chances are if my SO and I were CD, he would be spending many, many nights at my place (or I at his) anyway. We're really committed to one another, and I think we passed the "I would be willing to live with you" milestone a long, long time ago. It would make financial and practical sense for us to move in together, and for those reasons, I don't really think it would be a big deal at all if we were CD.

LD is a much bigger decision because very few people want to move across the country/world for their SO only to live in separate places. I think there is obviously a lot of planning and thought that needs to go into that kind of decision, but it's not just because it's cohabitation-- it's because of all the other things that have to change along with it, including, most often, job changes, school changes, lifestyle changes, and leaving behind family and friends. That is a lot different than living in close proximity and then moving in together.

This! I feel the same about moving in after a LDR. It is for us, I think, a major step, but at the same time it makes (to me) more sense than moving countries and be apart. Like: we've waisted so much time, why would we want to waist even more? besides, an LDR puts more pressure and more obstacles to the couple, which I think contributes to strenght the relationship. Commitment is even more necessary while in LDR, therefore people get into a serious relationship faster? I think so. It is a natural step for us, and we do not want to get married, but it is because when we begin the LDR (we were CD for a month) we realized that the pressure, the commitment, the obstacles are bigger... And LDR makes us feel the relationship advances in a faster beat. If we were CD I don't know how would it be about moving together soon.

[Goyangi]

I don't think it's setting a couple up for failure if they live together before marriage. For some people, this works. For others, it probably doesn't. I'm pretty neutral, I think, and can see myself being happy with one or the other. Maybe moved in by the time of the engagement? I will also say, I don't know if I or my SO would endure the sacrifices of an LDR if we didn't think the other was the person we wanted to at least try to spend the rest our life with. Marriage wise, I mean. I think the military adds another dynamic in the whole cohabiting equation - if I wanted to live with him, to move with him, the army would only honor this through marriage.

I understand that living together reveals quirks. But if any of these quirks were marriage dealbreakers, then I would evaluate how much I actually wanted to be with that person. Along the lines or, "If the quirk is the problem, then the quirk is not the problem," type deal. From my exposure to marriage, I have come to believe that a successful marriage has more to do with the the effort to make it work versus it "just working". I don't know if that makes sense. I've always resonated with that silly quote from the movie, The 5 Year Engagement. "Elmo thinks there's no right cookie. You just pick one and take a bite!" I guess what I'm trying to say is I could probably build a life with a lot of different compatible people, and I don't think the only way to find a compatible one is by living with them... Just looking for that person who wants it to work as much as I do. ^^

[sarahjane1992]

I was raised in a very traditional household. You get engaged, married and then live together. For religious reasons as well. I am pretty traditional, but I've grown up and my views on the whole thing have changed slightly.
I would love to be engaged to my SO before we live together. Marriage is something we've talked about and know we want in the future. But I'm in no rush. It makes economic sense for us to live together because I'll be moving to him. And the area can be pricy. I know this is the man I want to spend my life with. And yes, we have quirks but everybody does. It'll take getting used to, but I'm excited to start the next chapter in our lives! <3 Hopefully by next spring/early summer I'll be a Texas resident!

[MZVIRGO82]

As far as cohabitating goes, do what you both feel is right for your relationship-who gives a damn what studies or society has to say. On a personal level, I will be living with my SO before deciding to get engaged and married. I have actually lived with an SO (now ex) before and thank goodness I did! I had known the guy 9 years before we decided to enter into a relationship. About 7 months into the relationship we decided to move into a house together as both of our leases were coming to an end.

It was the worst yet best decision I ever made. The reason being is I got to see the "real" him and let me tell you, he ended up being a passive aggressive boarderline abusive alcoholic. I ended up kicking him out about 9 months into our year lease due to him not paying his share of bills and being a complete drunken slob. Moving in with him confirmed that he was NOT the guy for me and also confirmed some of the red flags I'd seen but chose to ignore. Although it was a horrible experience, I learned some valuable (and unfortunately expensive) lessons.

[snow]

I moved in with my ex boyfriend long before we even talked about marriage, it wasn't a big commitment for me since I've always lived in my city and I only did it because he moved to my country for education and didn't have enough money to support himself.

If I could just live with my fiancé without getting married and stay with him I would totally go for it, since I think moving in, engagement and marriage should come naturally in a relationship - in the order the relationship feels comfortable with. Even before my first visit he'd say we're in the "living together" stage of our relationship since we were open about finances and everything else that you don't usually talk about while dating.