Getting married at 19?

[lucybelle]

so could 25-30 be too young. Its up to the person and how they feel etc.

My exs parents got married at 19. 35 years later they are still very much in love and happy, Its beautiful to see

Yeah yeah. Someone always knows someone who got married as a teenager and made it through. The OP asked for my opinion and my opinion is 19 is too young to get married. If the OP were my friend I would hands down tell her to NOT get married at 19. And if she were my daughter or family, I would simply not support the marriage. What's the point? When I was 19 I was so in love with my current boyfriend I couldn't imagine being with anyone else. Hell, we talked about marriage. And now we are two completely different people. 19 is too young. I don't care how many people made it through, it's too young.

[princessmaria]

Yeah yeah. Someone always knows someone who got married as a teenager and made it through. The OP asked for my opinion and my opinion is 19 is too young to get married. If the OP were my friend I would hands down tell her to NOT get married at 19. And if she were my daughter or family, I would simply not support the marriage. What's the point? When I was 19 I was so in love with my current boyfriend I couldn't imagine being with anyone else. Hell, we talked about marriage. And now we are two completely different people. 19 is too young. I don't care how many people made it through, it's too young.

Pretty sure if I told my parents I was getting married they would yell at me from dawn to dusk. Haha.

[lucybelle]

Pretty sure if I told my parents I was getting married they would yell at me from dawn to dusk. Haha.

Exactly! Because they know it's not a good idea!

Look, the thought of marriage is so exciting. It's romantic, it's fun, it's what a lot of people dream of. I thought about marriage a lot. Every guy I dated I thought "what if we get MAWIED" When I got married, I loved it and it was fun wearing a pretty dress. But there's just no need to do it so young. I'm not even saying for the potential of breaking up, I'm saying for the wedding and marriage itself. At 19, would you be able to afford the wedding you want? Would you be able to have the ideal marriage? Would you be able to appreciate it? Would you have support for when you have bumps in the road? You probably don't even live on your own yet, how can you possibly be ready to commit your life to someone else when you haven't been able to stand on your own two legs first? I just believe that you need to be completely independent before you take a commitment like marriage. Only then can you really be ready.

[ushiwakafox]

I think it's really smart of you to have backed away and really thought about this instead of just jumping into it. I don't know how long ya'll have been dating and have known each other, but if I remember right you had mentioned that he's coming home in December too, it's not just a visit it's permanent. I think maybe being around him for a while and getting used to having him in person is a good idea before jumping into marriage. It's really sweet that he's so eager to marry you, but in my opinion why not get to know each other CD, because there is a big difference. Neither of you are going anywhere, you know? Hopefully he'll be understanding, but just tell him that you want to enjoy him being close by for a while before talks of marriage.

BUT! If you end up deciding to just jump in and go for it, then that is your decision to make. Only you can know for sure if you feel you are too young or not. Just make sure you don't marry him just to spare his feelings.

Good luck with this big decision!

[Kristin91]

He told me that "If I fly you down here this winter, you should be prepared to marry me".

This part concerns me just a little bit... It sounds to me like he isn't afraid to force or guilt you into marrying him. You should only get married if you think it's right for you at the time. I may have interpreted that part wrong, but those are just my thoughts...

As for getting married young, I've heard stories of people getting married young and staying together for a long time, and others that get married when they're much older and it doesn't work out. It doesn't depend on your age so much as your willingness to communicate and fight through arguments to keep your relationship alive. Since you've known each other for almost three years, it sounds like you have this part down. Also, as others have said you're at that stage in your life where you're going to change a lot. I know I'm a completely different person than I was 3 years ago when I was a freshman in college.

Personally, I wouldn't get married right now (I'm 21). I don't feel like I'm at a place in my life where I want to settle down and get married... Within the next few years it would be nice to be engaged, but I'm not in a rush.

I hope this was a little helpful, good luck in your decision!

[marbear31]

I think it all 100% depends on where you are in your personal journey about marriage and in your relationship. You can hear stories a dime a dozen for and against marriage, young and old, first times, second times, third times, but, in the end, it all comes down to your personal readiness and willingness.

It's wonderful that you're sitting down to think this through and not just jumping into it head first. I remember that when my SO and I started talking about marriage four months into our relationship, I was all, "Ooo, marriage! Fun!" But now, almost two years since the day we met, I'm more sure than ever that I want to marry him, but I sure as HECK am not in the same place I was when we first started talking about it. I had to grow "accustomed" to the idea of it if you will, acclimate myself to the reality that we were talking about commitment. Forever. I realized that it wasn't the thought of being with him forever that scared me, but that I hadn't given myself time to process what forever meant at that point. I'm grateful we've had time to just get to know each other as bf and gf (even if we call each other husband and wife already ), but I also think my initial, "Hold on, let me truly understand what this means" has quite a bit to do with my age. I'm 21 and still figuring out how I fit into the adult world, and I can tell you right now that I'm in so much of a different place I was when I was 19. I have to figure out what a commitment to myself as an adult means before I can commit to a marriage, you know? Luckily, I've been able to do that with my SO, and I wouldn't have it any other way, but it is different for every couple, and I really think you shouldn't "jump into it," so to speak, unless you are ready in your heart.

When you are, you will feel peace and a calm, steady excitement towards the future, and you won't see yourself looking back with regret. I wish you the best of luck.

[MattDavies86]

A lot of people say it's too young, I disagree, back in the day people got married at 18 etc all the time, my parents for example, married when my mother was 18 and my father 26, they are still together to this day over 30 years, they were only dating close distance for one year before they married, it's own to the people getting married to realise that they are really in love and want to be together, personally it doesn't matter how long or how old, just matters about what's real. If you guys love each other that much and can't see any other future than one together then who are we to say it's too young to not to do it? If I had the chance I'd have been married already, but I didn't find someone I wanted that with, until now anyway, so all the best!

[Zephii]

"If I fly you down here this winter, you should be prepared to marry me".

If Obi - or any man - said this to me, my reply would be along the lines of "Command me again and you should be prepared for a punch in the face"

Marriage is a choice. It sounds like he isn't giving you much of one, and that shit would make me uncomfortable.

Anyway, questions!
I got married at 24, and still people said that was young. I moved out of home at 15 and had been living with Obi for three years by the time we married (two at the point of being engaged) though, so I didn't feel young. I'd lived alone as well as with a partner, I knew myself and my goals, as well as him and his inside-and-out. That helped. I personally am very glad I did not marry at 19 - though I was planning it. Thank the Gods! Every time I think of that man I'm so very grateful I didn't spawn with him, nor take any vows for him. I don't think it's a fantastic idea for anyone to marry before their brain chemistry is fully developed. I turned into a different person by the time I was 21.

Since being married nothing has changed. When we were living together, Obi had said something to me followed by "we're not married!" as f to say things would change when we were. Then and there I told he we don't need a piece of paper to treat each other how we deserved to be treated and from then on we may as well have been married in our actions.

Two things changed when we did get engaged and then married - We opened up more though we didn't even know we'd been holding back, and the relationship became more secure. But day-to-day, there's no real difference.

[Dezface]

I wrote a long reply to this and pressed post and have no idea what happened to it. So I'll just say this: I'm against marrying young. I've experienced it, it ended badly. I have friends who did the same thing and it ended badly. Family too-also badly. I know sometimes it works but I think those people are more the exception than the rule.

[Malaga]

so could 25-30 be too young. Its up to the person and how they feel etc.

My exs parents got married at 19. 35 years later they are still very much in love and happy, Its beautiful to see

My parents are celebrating their 33rd anniversary in October. Mother just about turned 20 when they got married. They have an OK relationship and she doesn't regret doing it but she regrets rushing, and ages ago made me promise I was going to wait until at least 26. Which I obviously took seriously

Anyway, being too young doesn't always mean too young to make marriage work. Yes you can build a great lasting relationship at that age or any other, but you're still giving up time for yourself at an age where this time is really important to get a sense of your own identity. You need time for that, but you don't get it later. I know a lot of happy couples married for decades who still wish they waited a bit.

[Riyko]

Marriage is something you do when you are ready, if you aren't ready then don't do it and don't feel pressured or guilty by anyone for not doing it. To me 19 is too young to get married (hell i'm 27 and single). My parents got married when my mom was 17 and my dad was 27 they were married for 31 years up until the day my dad passed away, but at the time it worked for my mom to be married at that age. The downside to that is my mom doesn't know what to do with herself, she doesn't know what she loves doing or even what she's passionate about, she worked 3 different jobs the whole time I was a kid and before that never because my dad supported her and my brother and I all her job was to do was to raise my brother and I, she depended on him for everything and didn't know how to be independent (she lived with him longer then she lived at home).

Keep those kind of things in mind as well before considering getting married at a young age.

[TwoThree]

From an "older" person's perspective: I didn't get married until I was 30 and I'm so glad I waited. For me, as others have said as well, I changed A LOT during my 20s. But I also had a chance to know myself and be in a relationship with myself.

That is how I see things. If I had gotten married at 19/20, it would have been a big mistake because I just wasn't the same person I am now, back then.

I think it depends on how much time you have spent with your SO in one visit - have you been with him for a longer time before?
From my experience visiting someone for a couple of days is much different than being with that person for several weeks or even months. A shorter visit allows both of you to just concentrate on yourselves, enjoy each others company and push things that don't need to be done immediately as far away as possible, but once you're together for a longer time there's times where you're busy or he's busy, when you have to get things done in a certain time and have to make sacrifices - it shows you a different side of your SO.

Dunno what the length of visits has to do with anything. I have never stayed with my SO for longer than two weeks, and I doubt it would have made my decision to marry him any different if I had.

[princessmaria]

Sorry if I made it seem like my SO is forcing me! He isn't forcing me at all. During my last month long visit his mother was trying to basically arrange our marriage and my SO stopped her because he knew it made me feel uncomfortable. He told her "she's 19, she's not thinking about marriage" which in part makes me question how serious he is about marrying me in the winter. I mean, he says that he's serious and that he'd do it in a heartbeat if I decide I want it too, but I still feel a bit wary.

Either way, I am definitely not going to say yes until I come to some clarity within myself. It's not that I fear I won't want to be with my SO down the line, it's more like I feel that us getting married will force both of us to grow up faster than we should which could change the dynamic of our relationship and cause unhappiness. Getting married is a very adult decision and quite frankly, though I do not technically live with parents, I do not feel like an "adult" just yet. I still feel very young and I want things to stay that way for the both of us because I think it allows for us to be as happy as we are together.

However, I don't think I'll wait years. Being in an LDR is different, an international LDR at that. One of the main ways to close the distance is through marriage and until we do get married we will never be able to officially close the distance. So while it would be smart to put everything off, my SO and I have been LD for 3 years and I don't think either of us want to endure another 5+ years of LD with only visits here and there. It is a decision I have to make a little sooner than I intended, but I am going to sit down with my SO and tell him all of my fears before we even begin to start the process of marriage. I want to be comfortable with the idea first, or else we will have to wait at least another year or two.

That seems pretty fair to me, and although he might be a little hurt, he'll accept my choice.

[Goyangi]

"Don't get married too young, you'll regret it!!"
"Don't get married too old, you'll regret it!!"
"Hell, just don't get married, you'll regret it!!"

All I'm saying is, there's a "do this, no don't do that!" for any kind of marriage scenario. I, personally, don't think "age", an arbitrary number, should be the primary decider on whether nor not one should or should not get married. Yes, everyone and his/her mother "knows someone" who married someone at X age and lived happily ever after, or knows someone who married at X age, who crashed and burned into a spiraling abyss called divorce.

I've seen it MANY ways, and the success or failure seemed more contingent on a willingness/readiness of each individual, regardless of age, rather than the age itself.

I don't think when I turn a "certain age" I'll say, "Gee, feels like I should get married soon now that I'm X years old." No one knows you and your relationship like you do! Determine your wants for yourself and your life, and them organize them by priority. What makes sense to YOU when? Good luck!

[lucybelle]

I, personally, don't think "age", an arbitrary number, should be the primary decider on whether nor not one should or should not get married.

Age is NOT an arbitrary number. It's how many years of experience and life situations you've had on the planet. How can you possibly think age doesn't affect who a person is or what they plan to do with their life? If age is so arbitrary we should start letting 6 year-olds work in factories again. Or let 50 year old men marry their 12 year old cousins.