Getting married at 19?

[Goyangi]

Aren't we getting extreme.

For clarification purposes, I am speaking of consensual adults. I apparently have to be that specific.

I don't believe you can cookie cutter every "young" person into one singular "not ready" category. If someone marries "young", and the marriage fails because the younger individual "wasn't ready" for marriage, it was because he or she was simply unready for marriage, not necessarily because he or she was arbitrarily, a "young" age. There is a vast spectrum of maturity, and what has been experienced individual to individual - the individual who has been sheltered by his parents throughout childhood, and is continually supported by them, never having to do anything for himself, even into his twenties holds a different maturity from the soldier who had to become financially independent at 16, moved out at 17, and completed two tours under his belt by the time he's 21.

[Louise_B]

Aren't we getting extreme.

For clarification purposes, I am speaking of consensual adults. I apparently have to be that specific.

I don't believe you can cookie cutter every "young" person into one singular "not ready" category. If someone marries "young", and the marriage fails because the younger individual "wasn't ready" for marriage, it was because he or she was simply unready for marriage, not necessarily because he or she was arbitrarily, a "young" age. There is a vast spectrum of maturity, and what has been experienced individual to individual - the individual who has been sheltered by his parents throughout childhood, and is continually supported by them, never having to do anything for himself, even into his twenties holds a different maturity from the soldier who had to become financially independent at 16, moved out at 17, and completed two tours under his belt by the time he's 21.

I couldnt put it better myself. Well said Goyangi!

[Dziubka]

Aren't we getting extreme.

For clarification purposes, I am speaking of consensual adults. I apparently have to be that specific.

I don't believe you can cookie cutter every "young" person into one singular "not ready" category. If someone marries "young", and the marriage fails because the younger individual "wasn't ready" for marriage, it was because he or she was simply unready for marriage, not necessarily because he or she was arbitrarily, a "young" age. There is a vast spectrum of maturity, and what has been experienced individual to individual - the individual who has been sheltered by his parents throughout childhood, and is continually supported by them, never having to do anything for himself, even into his twenties holds a different maturity from the soldier who had to become financially independent at 16, moved out at 17, and completed two tours under his belt by the time he's 21.

That might all be true.
But it does not change the fact, that age is NOT an arbitrary number (like say height. It makes no sense to say that at 1.65m you're tall enough to marry or that anything under 1.70m is too short to get married).
There may be some 19yr olds that are more mature than some 30yr olds, but in general people mature with age. At 25 a person is most likely more mature than they were at 19.

I'll join the club of people who are glad they didn't marry (the person they were with) at 19. I was very committed at the time and my then boyfriend was an overall decent person, but I knew way too little about myself and what I want in life.

[snow_girl]

I'll join the club of people who are glad they didn't marry (the person they were with) at 19. I was very committed at the time and my then boyfriend was an overall decent person, but I knew way too little about myself and what I want in life.

I'll jump on that one! I was also convinced we were going to get married.

[digitalfever]

That's a really good point. I've always wanted to get married and start a family. I wouldn't say I put it above having a career first, but it's definitely something my heart strongly desires..

I just want to say I'm not saying get married. In fact, I'm saying it's probably best to delay marriage in this day in age due to a number of personal, social and financial obligations that exist in this day and age. I was just pointing out in the small town of Nowheresville Canada there are people that still get married during high school or right after and do OK...they are however a very Christian town and many of the kids get married so they can bump uglies without the social stigma.

[LadyDaemon]

I'll join the club of people who are glad they didn't marry (the person they were with) at 19. I was very committed at the time and my then boyfriend was an overall decent person, but I knew way too little about myself and what I want in life.

I third this one. Dude was a bad alcoholic,a liar and a womanizer. If only I had known before what I know now =/.

[SeeRat]

A lot of people say it's too young, I disagree, back in the day people got married at 18 etc all the time, my parents for example, married when my mother was 18 and my father 26, they are still together to this day over 30 years, they were only dating close distance for one year before they married, it's own to the people getting married to realise that they are really in love and want to be together, personally it doesn't matter how long or how old, just matters about what's real. If you guys love each other that much and can't see any other future than one together then who are we to say it's too young to not to do it? If I had the chance I'd have been married already, but I didn't find someone I wanted that with, until now anyway, so all the best!

All.of.This.

[princessmaria]

It's interesting to see everyone's opinion on age and marriage here.

I feel that I should add a little bit of my opinion. Age and maturity are two very separate things.

I'm more mature and "experienced" for lack of a better word, than one of my best friends who is 26 years old. I don't necessarily feel mature (I think everyone still feels like a kid at heart, if only sometimes) but that has been the general response towards me ever since I can remember. I've always been the type of girl to have her head in a book, focusing 100% on school, never partying, drinking, or doing drugs. I missed out on a lot of my youth due to sexual abuse and taking care of my mother who suffers from severe clinical depression and addiction. She kicked me out at a young age and I've been pretty alone in this world since, so I've definitely experienced a lot.

When I met my SO, I gravitated mostly to him because he was someone my age who had also grown up too fast. Together we've sort of built this happy medium where we both get to be silly and act like children together, something we lacked in our own childhoods. He makes me feel young, carefree, and hopeful about the world. The only reason getting married with him scares me is because, judging from what everyone else has told me about marriage (treating it as though it is the plague or a terrible, terrible omen for all relationships) I'm terrified that it would ruin this sacred part of our relationship.

Loving him is the easiest thing in the world. It comes to me naturally, like breathing. I know that it's the same for him and I desperately want it to stay that way but everyone makes marriage out to be the end of the world and I just don't know anymore...

Him and I have always had to make sacrifices and do things people our age should not have to do, or think about things people our age should not have to think about. I can't shake the feeling that marriage is another one of those things. But at the same time, hearing how proudly he refers to me as his wife to his family really does make me feel like it won't change things at all and that it's all in my head.

I just really don't want it to change the dynamic of our relationship...

[Dziubka]

I third this one. Dude was a bad alcoholic,a liar and a womanizer. If only I had known before what I know now =/.

My then-boyfriend was/is actually a pretty decent guy. There's nothing objectively wrong with him and probably if I had married him, it would not have made me miserable. But I'd also not be as happy as I am.
Most importantly I would have missed out on a lot of experiences that made me me. I think that I know more about myself now than I did then. Maybe I still don't know enough and I know that I still have a lot to figure out (don't we all?).
I think you can do all the growing up and figuring out in a marriage, but I also see no reason to get married at 19. You're most likely going to have another 60 years together, so why not wait a few more years to get married?

I don't think marriage is the end of the world. I think it's weird to say that marriage is hard work (or whatever people say), because duh... it's a relationship. Every committed relationship requires work from time to time. Obviously getting married doesn't magically make that better. But if it's making your relationship harder I'm pretty sure you're doing something wrong.

Age and maturity are two very separate things.
I've always been the type of girl to have her head in a book, focusing 100% on school, never partying, drinking, or doing drugs.

Having your head in a book, focusing on school and not partying drinking or doing drugs doesn't make you mature

[princessmaria]

Having your head in a book, focusing on school and not partying drinking or doing drugs doesn't make you mature

I didn't say that specifically made me mature, just saying I missed out on a lot of fun during my teenage years because of certain things that happened in my life and my own personal interests. Sometimes I feel like I missed out on those things and feel bad that I have no desire to try and do them over. I feel as if I'm robbing myself of a proper youth. For the first time in over ten years I'm starting to feel young again and now suddenly I'm thinking about marriage and from what others tell me, it makes me scared to go through with. (To sum up what that entire post was about).

I don't think marriage is the end of the world. I think it's weird to say that marriage is hard work (or whatever people say), because duh... it's a relationship. Every committed relationship requires work from time to time. Obviously getting married doesn't magically make that better. But if it's making your relationship harder I'm pretty sure you're doing something wrong.

Thanks for this. People really do make marriage out to be a deal breaker and it has given marriage a negative connotation for me.

[LadyDaemon]

My then-boyfriend was/is actually a pretty decent guy. There's nothing objectively wrong with him and probably if I had married him, it would not have made me miserable. But I'd also not be as happy as I am.
Most importantly I would have missed out on a lot of experiences that made me me. I think that I know more about myself now than I did then. Maybe I still don't know enough and I know that I still have a lot to figure out (don't we all?).
I think you can do all the growing up and figuring out in a marriage, but I also see no reason to get married at 19. You're most likely going to have another 60 years together, so why not wait a few more years to get married?

I don't think marriage is the end of the world. I think it's weird to say that marriage is hard work (or whatever people say), because duh... it's a relationship. Every committed relationship requires work from time to time. Obviously getting married doesn't magically make that better. But if it's making your relationship harder I'm pretty sure you're doing something wrong.

I definitely agree.

[Secrecy]

I'm gonna throw this out there as my thought... Less because I know what being married young feels like and more because I understand what you mean by feeling like you had to grow up too fast. I know because I went through almost the exact same thing as you.

The way I feel about it as someone who is a few years older is that, honest to God, no matter how much growing up you had to do when you were young... You will still change. I am almost twenty-three, still young in comparison, and I am a significantly different person than I was at eighteen or nineteen. My boyfriend is also twenty-three, and we've talked about marriage before, and have agreed not to get married yet although we aren't drastically opposed to the idea.

The reason I feel this way, as someone who also had to grow up a little too fast, is because... Marriage is a bit more of a "grown up" decision. I'm not saying you aren't mature, you aren't independent, because I bet you are. The biggest reason I say wait a few years to get married is because, as someone who had to grow up a little too quick... Why rush into such a big, "mature" step in life so quickly? You are so young. Take what youth you have left, cherish every moment, and run with it. You lost a lot of your childhood when you were young, why lose more of it now when you have so much left? I'm not saying marriage is a chore, or that it will ultimately fail, or that you're not ready... I guess I'm just looking at it through my eyes, since my relationship relates to yours in a way, and so does my history. This is why I don't want to get married until my late twenties, mostly because I want to take every big of my youth that I still have and put it to good use. I do believe marriage does change the dynamics of your relationship a little, but not necessarily always badly. Just with the legalities attached to marriage, it's a new responsibility on your shoulders that I just don't think you need to worry about when you're young. It's not even the idea if you're too young for marriage or if it'll work or not.

As for NEEDING to get married to make an international relationship work, that depends. My boyfriend also lives in Canada, and I live in the states. Is it he who wants to move to the states? If that's the case, then marriage, or a job opportunity is the only way to get in. However, if you plan to go to immigrate to Canada, heir immigration laws are a bit more lax than ours, and the Canadian citizen can sponsor you if condition are right. Marriage isn't a necessity. (I don't know your guys' situation, I'm just throwing that out there.)

But I digress.

Ultimately it's up to how comfortable you feel with it.

[Dezface]

I feel like most of the pro-young marriage quotes could have been written by me when I was 19-20. I spouted off all the same stuff. And granted, I'm cynical and jaded due to my experience. But I just can't help but shake my head and wish I could just make you realize that you'll look back on this age and see how little you knew about yourself.

But I know that's not the way it works. Everyone thinks they know best and have to learn themselves.

[LadyDaemon]

All I'll say about it is that I'm not necessarily for nor against young marriage. Some people get lucky and they last when they get married young and some people don't. I take my parents again for example,they got married and my mom was pregnant with me when they were 21 and 22. They were together for 22 years and now in their mid 40s they're getting divorced. My grandparents,they married young at around about the same age my parents did and they were together up until my grandpa passed away in May (46 years). So,with that said I think it really depends on the people in question.

[Chlo]

Being married to someone shouldn't be seen as some sort of ball and chain. I mean, if you love your SO, and want to be with them the rest of your life, through better and worse, then whats the problem in making it offical through marriage?
I know it may seem scary, and people say it can be difficult, but any sort of relationship (whether they be married or not) can have their problems! As long as you're both strong enough to work through it together, it'll work. Marriage is only a big thing, if you make a big thing of it. I think it's beautiful, but all I can say is, if you don't feel ready to commit yet, then don't. Talk to your SO, and see what he says!