Living together before marriage

[Kiara]

I didn't want to look too much against divorce, because there can be so many reasons to lead to that decision that it's impossible to judge. But what I wanted to say is that, as lucybelle mentioned, there are people who are more willing to work through whatever may come along. I've the impression that in the western society these people are decresing. And of course, society plays a role on that. Starting from the basic point that you get married if you love each other, it can happen to cheat or to get confused along the way. However, I believe it's important to be able to focus on the real feelings and be ready to forgive, turn page, and accept the other person even with his/her mistakes/weaknesses.

[Mara]

I might be the only one, but I have never saw living together as that big of a deal. *shrugs* In a dating relationship, it's more of a convenience for me than anything else. I also don't feel it's necessarily necessary to do so before getting married. I lived with my SO for a year and nothing I found out about his living habits would have made me to want a divorce if we had been married and just starting out together. It was all minor annoyances like he always left the closet messy or would forget to do some chore or another or didn't replenish the roll of tissue paper.

Some people say well you get to see what it's like being with the person 24/7, but even that really wasn't the case. I worked full time and he had school and work so it wasn't like we were right up under each other all the time, 24/7. We did get to see what it was like to spend time together everyday, but I don't think that's unique to a living together situation because my ex and I spent everyday together as well [though we didn't live together].

I don't think either way for me it is essential or unessential. It just depends on the circumstance. We probably won't live together again before getting married as I think we'll probably close the distance right after getting married.

[SDPersona]

I'm all for living together, since it does help to find out how you mesh with each other 24/7 and how you go about sharing household duties and other responsibilities that come with married life. Unfortunately that's not possible for me and my SO, because his family only allows living together after marriage. So, if we want to be together all our life we have to marry each other which means we have to talk a lot about how we are going about living together beforehand and it'd be an adventure when it's finally time for it. Or go into it with eyes wide open, knowing that marriage is about being a team and there always are going to be up and downs. No relationship is without its trials and tribulations, and living together is just another part of being married. So, if you are on the same page about the idea of what marriage means to you, then the rest is easy. Well, not easy, but you know what I mean. (I hope!) I wholly agree with anyone who thinks that the success of marriage also has to do with attitude to marriage in general.

About divorce: Sometimes I feel like the idea of marriage/divorce has become so.... convenient to some people. There are people who jump into marriage just for the heck of it or because of having been drunk and stupid, only to be divorced hours later! Talk about marriage not being treated with the care/reverence it certainly deserves. I'm sure in earlier times when the idea of divorce was much less acceptable as it is now, there were as much loveless marriages as there were very successful ones. And I for one think it's because people looked much more carefully at whom you marry simply because the idea of divorce was so abhorrent and unacceptable to society.

Don't get me wrong, I'm all for divorce as long as it is used as an absolut last resort. Because even though you were aiming for a happy marriage for both parties, people can err and sometimes it just doesn't work out despite good intentions or being well matched.

[Kerry]

yes- I've heard that as well. I'm in the minority here but living with someone before marriage just isn't for me.

[Jessi]

I think its good. Getting to know each other adn learning how they live and keep home is important After living together you may learn that you arent compatable for the living aspect.

[Lissy]

Personally, I don't see living together as a big deal. For some couples, it works, for others, not so much.

As for me, my SO and I are both female, so waiting until marriage just wouldn't make that much sense for us. There's no telling when/where we'll be able to get married, especially since neither of the states we're living in allow gay marriage. Yes, we could get married in a state that does allow gay marriage and then move to the state we'd be living in, but why go through the hassle until we're good and ready? :3

[Haley53]

I agree with living together before marriage, not so much for seeing how you'll get along in such an environment - someone mentioned spending extended stays with one another. Although this is another good indicator, it does depend a lot on the arrangement (for example, how are the finances split up during that time and so on) - but rather to see how the individual lifestyles mesh: how both keep their individual and shared living quarters, how both handle their finances, how both handle work and financial stresses and/or conflicts, and so on. Many of these issues aren't present in holidays or extended stays, but they are present when two people move in together. When Jack visits Jill, Jill is still likely to be handling her bills and expenses, but when Jack moves in with Jill, it's an additional person, additional expense, and they have to work it out together. And I think that it's incredibly important to see someone in their "natural" environment, for a time extending beyond the honeymoon quarter, before you get married to them. It's not a do-or-die requirement, but I do think it's important. For me, I'd rather see if I was compatible with someone in the practical sense, and if I wasn't in ways, could it be worked out, than find out after I'd gone through a legal marriage and would therefore require a legal divorce.

[LeilaniJoi]

i got married way too fast last time.....mainly for a visa and not the right reasons. Living with my SO now makes sense and if anything makes us stronger as we learn how to work together as a team for things like bills and money and just everyday life.

[Enric]

I think living together before marriage is the best option for a long distance relationship. A couple needs to be together often before of marry, if we can't meet because the distance... so lets live together?

I hate the idea of "try the couple sexually" before than marry for reject a couple that isn't good enough in sex. lol The sex is a secundary part and we can try our best for enjoy, but no reject one for don't being enough. It's so sad. And we can live together without have sexual relations, we even can sleep in different bedrooms before than marry.

[13000km]

Question: To prove your relationship for visa purposes, do many countries really take into consideration whether you've lived together (prior to marriage) or not?
I ask because I saw lucybelle's comment about this on another thread, and have seen it brought up a couple of times on the forums. My boyfriend and I aren't living together, we don't believe in it. Will that prove to be a problem later?

[lucybelle]

Question: To prove your relationship for visa purposes, do many countries really take into consideration whether you've lived together (prior to marriage) or not?
I ask because I saw lucybelle's comment about this on another thread, and have seen it brought up a couple of times on the forums. My boyfriend and I aren't living together, we don't believe in it. Will that prove to be a problem later?

But you are living near each other. So perhaps if you two need a spouse visa, put each other's names on your leases. Have someone send you mail addressed to you and your SO. You don't actually have to LIVE together, but showing that you are financially responsible for each other is important.

I guess I never considered couples who don't believe in living together before marriage when I made that comment. But what I think is important is showing that you two have a commitment to each other that is real and defined in some sort of paperwork. Just saying "We really love each other-- see, here's a picture!" is just not going to cut it. The US government is not keen on giving visas based on "feelings".

Then again, I have no idea as I haven't applied for a visa! Just been doing research recently, so I could be way wrong

[dukes2011]

My boyfriend and I have made the decision not to live together before marriage. I realize I'm in the minority, but I think if you're truly compatible waiting until you're married to live together won't be a big deal. Sure there might be more of an adjustment period when we eventually get married, but I don't think any couple has a seamless transition. To us part of what will make marriage special is starting our lives together under the same roof.

[floridaellen]

I want to live together before marriage but due to my family and his family it will not be possible. They will not support our relationship if we do that.
We also don't believe in divorce except in cases of abuse/neglect so we will really have to make sure our marriage is right before we tie the knot.

[Sierra]

I want to live together before marriage but due to my family and his family it will not be possible. They will not support our relationship if we do that.
We also don't believe in divorce except in cases of abuse/neglect so we will really have to make sure our marriage is right before we tie the knot.

This is why living together first would be a very good idea.

My aunt didn't live with her ex-husband until after they got married and she said it's the biggest mistake she ever made in her life.


I've said in other threads before, I think it's VERY IMPORTANT for couples to live together before they get married, if you can't live together, you need to at least spend 3 weeks together on a vacation or something. You never know who someone really is until they can't escape you, and that's something that truly tests compatibility with another person. My mom says never marry someone you haven't left the country with before, and while I wouldn't go that far, I really do think most people don't realize the trials and tribulations that come with living with another person. Love isn't enough to overcome all obstacles or enough to make living with someone work, just because you are compatible romantically doesn't mean you can successfully cohabitate and it's something I see proof of every day in my job when I file for divorce after divorce.

[greensweatergirl]

I have very mixed ideas and emotions about living together with someone prior to marriage.

Most people who have replied seem to view living together beforehand as a trial run, as a good way to figure out if the whole marriage thing will work. And on the one hand I think that's very true. It's much harder to figure out how someone handles finances and whether they let the dirty dishes stack sky high if you're only dating them, and those are things that are handy to know before settling on a marriage partner. It's harder to hide flaws and potential deal breakers if you're under the same roof as your partner.

However, I think there's a very big danger of "trial runs", in that people might not work as hard at the relationship. If this is a trial, I'm assuming there's a chance of failure. I suspect more (though certainly not all) married people don't see failure as an option, so I think they might make more effort in working at the relationship. When I look at my last live-in relationship, I have to sadly admit that I was guilty of this. I was pretty damn lazy for the first year we lived together, and then when I finally started making improvements I only got annoyed because he wasn't making any of his own. Doesn't he know I could choose to end this relationship at any time, that living together isn't permanent and nothing's been signed? After a while, I went back to old habits. I don't think I really realized this at the time, but looking back on it, I think this was my attitude to my live-in arrangement, and I think it hurt us in the long run.

I still lean towards living together before marriage as better than not living together beforehand, but as I'll be moving in with someone for a second time, I've thought a lot about what went wrong the first time round, and why. I've discussed with my current boyfriend some of my thoughts, and we both agree that this is as a give-it-your all deal. Yes there is an out, but we have to work at this with the same level of enthusiasm we would have if we were married and divorce was not available. I couldn't move in with someone who saw it as anything less. I worry whether I can do this because I sort of have to convince myself this is a permanent situation while knowing it's not really. But I have to try, otherwise this will fail.

In addition, I think my other problem with trial live in periods is that people (at least from what I see) don't give the trial any parameters. How long is this trial? What is acceptable? What is not? In what time frame? What will I do if the trial is a failure? I think it's important to have answers to these questions. I've made these decisions for me, in my heart of hearts, and while I hope I'll never have to end it all, I know it's better to have a plan than live with a partner, hoping things might change one day, and feeling trapped. That happened to me once, and I never want it to happen again, to me or anyone else.

Anyhow, a bit rambly. Does anyone else have any thoughts on live in arrangements and what makes them work or not? I'd be especially interested to hear opinions from people who had a live-in arrangement that didn't work out.