Planning a simple, laid-back wedding...thoughts about including my father

[SquishyLove]

So my fiance V and myself want a simple wedding. We're both laid-back but kind of shy people. We want to save our money for the future and not spend a lot on a fancy wedding. I'm not close with a lot of my family despite the fact that a lot of my extended family lives in the area. We're basically planning to have a very simple ceremony at the city clerk's office - wearing special T-shirts we're going to have custom-made, and then having a simple dinner with my mom and stepdad, sisters, and a few friends. We're both ecstatic to have a simple, laid-back day like this. We already feel like we're married and this piece of paper is a formality which just allows us to live together. I honestly don't want the stress of having lots of guests and other stressful things to contend with. I know a lot of women fantasize about a fairy-tale wedding, but for me just getting to be with my man is my fairy-tale.

So, my issue I'm having is whether or not to include my biological father in this casual, small celebration we're planning. I know if it were a big wedding with both sides of my family, I'd of course have him come, but this little wedding we're planning, it seems like it would be awkward for him to be there. He makes my mom extremely uncomfortable, and she hates being around him. I actually don't enjoy being around him for very long, either. He tends to be generally tactless and annoying, and I have a hard time spending more than a couple of hours with him. It makes me feel kind of guilty to say it, but I can't deny the truth. I just don't have an awesome relationship with my dad, and that is what it is. On one hand, I feel like I want a stress-free and fun celebration with my immediate family and a few friends, and that I shouldn't feel guilty for wanting to avoid any drama. On the other hand, he is my dad. I'm still mulling over this decision. I could very easily just tell him later that V and I went to the courthouse alone to get married and that we "might" do a celebration later. We're still contemplating some kind of outdoor cookout type celebration in a park somewhere for more extended family and friends to come to later, sort of a belated reception...but we're still on the fence about that one because so many people on both sides of my family don't like each other and it's always someone causing some drama at gatherings when people from my mom and dad's sides are present. Blah!

I would of course have a pep talk with my dad about his behavior if he didn't have a tendency to be completely combative and defensive. He can't handle even very tactful criticism about himself, and all I would ask for him during the day is to be on the quiet side and limit his interactions with my mom. I consider my stepdad more of my real dad, as he was there for me more through my life. My dad is an alcoholic and has always put his substance of choice before other obligations in life.

I'm not sure how to handle this one. I want a happy, stress-free day with my Husband, my immediate family, and my closest friends. I feel like my dad being there would be awkward, but he is going to wonder about a wedding if he finds out we're married and he wasn't there to witness it. I don't want to be a total jerk and not let my dad see his oldest daughter getting married, but I want a happy day as well.

My dad, when I told him we were engaged, immediately pushed on me that we should have a big wedding out at his place because he lives out in the country on some nice, pretty property. We don't want a big wedding and all my alcoholic paternal line would just want to booze it up all day, and we don't like that sort of thing. :-/ I just told him politely that we were making our own plans. My dad always wants to be pushy about stuff. I tend to limit my dad's involvement in my life for about the last 5 years and I've found my sanity is better for it, but I know it's not exactly the most ideal thing in the world to keep my dad on the edges of my life. I just find he really gets to me, and some of the very inconsiderate, rude, and mean things he's said in the past are still with me.

[princessmeg1328]

I know how you feel. I don't have the best relationship with my father either. He's not an alcoholic, but he makes me feel like his "new" family is more important that the one he had with my mom, my sister, and me. Despite all of that I know that even though it would make the day of so much easier, I would regret not having at my wedding. Would you feel the same way? Even though it might be easier for everyone, you have to think about what would be best for you and your relationship with your father. It is your day after all. How would you feel in the future about not having him there?

[snow_girl]

It sounds to me you don't really want him to come. You shouldn't have to give someone a talk before hand to make sure they don't cause problems. I think it would be more stress then needed and why makes the guests you want there uncomfortable for someone you only half want there.

[Engel]

As it is, I wont invide my dad to my wedding. Because of what you said, i want a HAPPY as stress and drama free day as possible when i get married next year, and it has more chances to happen as i want without him around. so go with your gut feeling, you will know the answer in the end. and congrats to you and your fiancee. <3

[Dziubka]

Imho the whole blood is thicker than water is, sorry, a big load of b/s. We don't get to chose our family, so if there's someone that doesn't make us happy, a relationship that isn't doing us any good, then we have every right in the world to cut contact or a least avoid that person, family or not.
It doesn't sound like your relationship with your dad is a good one, and like snow_girl said, you don't want him to come. It's your day, you get to spend it with whoever you want, not with whoever is closer in blood-line.

I'm not inviting my dad either and I'm planning on a big-ish wedding with friends and family. We haven't spoken in two years and even though he hasn't done anything really bad or hurtful, I'm disappointed by him. I feel a lot better since he isn't in my life anymore.

[SquishyLove]

The thing is, I know if I choose to include him, I only want him there for the actual wedding ceremony and not for the after-celebration at my mom and stepdad's place. But honestly I feel better not having him there at all. I guess I still have this little bit of guilt that I haven't maintained the relationship with my dad from my end, and he always seems hurt that I don't on the rare occasions we do talk. I usually make some excuse (I've been busy) and he pretends to buy it (I know he knows it's b.s.), and we never talk about it. I've never directly told him why I limit his involvement in my life, because I know how he'll take it and how the rest of his family will demonize me. Bleh, I hate big confrontations so that's why. I know it's not exactly healthy, but for now it is what it is. I don't think I'll regret not having my dad at our wedding, but I know it'll have to be a somewhat "secret" wedding because of not including him. My stepdad is more my dad to me than my dad is. When I was little my dad was much more involved in my life with bi-monthly overnight visits and the whole deal, but he was always pretty lax about child support and actual real parenting that didn't involve just doing fun things on those weekend visits. I lived with him for a short time after high school and during that time he would return home drunk in the middle of the night and play loud music keeping me up until the wee hours whether or not I had work or class in the morning, because it was "his house." If I politely asked him to keep it down he would scream at me and verbally abuse me. He would tell me how worthless I am, etc. even though I was working and going to school full time. I never got over that, and the times he lied, or was super late to recitals and other things for me, or not paying child support but still somehow being able to afford going to the bar a few times a week to get drunk, or showing up drunk at one of my recitals...etc. He's the kind of person who thinks he's never wrong and you try to tell him how he is and he blows up with his temper. I really don't like my dad. I love him on the base level that he is my father. So if I don't invite him to our little wedding, he'll still eventually find out we got married and that he wasn't there. That'll be the hard thing to deal with. I could tell him the truth or I could completely lie to him and tell him that V and I just went to the courthouse alone to file our paperwork and that maybe we'll have a celebration for family later (still debating even doing that because of the possibility of family drama, blah!). I guess either way I'll have to deal with it eventually. I'm still thinking about it. Thanks for the thoughtful replies, everyone!

[SquishyLove]

And thanks for the congrats too!

[JessicaT]

I don't have a very great relationship with my dad for good reason, but no matter what, I think I'd have him be a part of this very important part of life. This might make your relationship completely dead and you shouldn't give up hope on your father. This could severely impact your life, his life, and you child's life (if you end up having any). My mom did that to her dad and he never ever forgave her. And invite him to the initial whatever celebration because a later one may never happen.

[JessicaT]

The thing is, I know if I choose to include him, I only want him there for the actual wedding ceremony and not for the after-celebration at my mom and stepdad's place. But honestly I feel better not having him there at all. I guess I still have this little bit of guilt that I haven't maintained the relationship with my dad from my end, and he always seems hurt that I don't on the rare occasions we do talk. I usually make some excuse (I've been busy) and he pretends to buy it (I know he knows it's b.s.), and we never talk about it. I've never directly told him why I limit his involvement in my life, because I know how he'll take it and how the rest of his family will demonize me. Bleh, I hate big confrontations so that's why. I know it's not exactly healthy, but for now it is what it is. I don't think I'll regret not having my dad at our wedding, but I know it'll have to be a somewhat "secret" wedding because of not including him. My stepdad is more my dad to me than my dad is. When I was little my dad was much more involved in my life with bi-monthly overnight visits and the whole deal, but he was always pretty lax about child support and actual real parenting that didn't involve just doing fun things on those weekend visits. I lived with him for a short time after high school and during that time he would return home drunk in the middle of the night and play loud music keeping me up until the wee hours whether or not I had work or class in the morning, because it was "his house." If I politely asked him to keep it down he would scream at me and verbally abuse me. He would tell me how worthless I am, etc. even though I was working and going to school full time. I never got over that, and the times he lied, or was super late to recitals and other things for me, or not paying child support but still somehow being able to afford going to the bar a few times a week to get drunk, or showing up drunk at one of my recitals...etc. He's the kind of person who thinks he's never wrong and you try to tell him how he is and he blows up with his temper. I really don't like my dad. I love him on the base level that he is my father. So if I don't invite him to our little wedding, he'll still eventually find out we got married and that he wasn't there. That'll be the hard thing to deal with. I could tell him the truth or I could completely lie to him and tell him that V and I just went to the courthouse alone to file our paperwork and that maybe we'll have a celebration for family later (still debating even doing that because of the possibility of family drama, blah!). I guess either way I'll have to deal with it eventually. I'm still thinking about it. Thanks for the thoughtful replies, everyone!

I know exactly how you feel in every way, shape, and form. I would still have him at the ceremony though.

[Minerva]

I had no relationship with my dad after 18. I decided I didn't want him in my life. He was abusive and didn't love me and never contacted me again once I stopped contacting him. At the end of his life, he had a long illness and chose not to get back in touch with me to say sorry or even good-bye. That's pretty fucking cold.

The way I look at it, if he wasn't my father I wouldn't have liked him, so why should I try to force myself into a relationship with a man who didn't like me? Any jerk can have kids. Becoming a father just takes a couple of thrusts, and that certainly doesn't qualify you to be a fit father.

Anyway, needless to say, I didn't invite him to my wedding. I didn't tell him he had a grandchild. He's dead, and I have no regrets. I didn't love him, he didn't love me, and I don't really care that he's gone.

I don't know if your feelings are to the same extreme as mine. My question to you would be: if you didn't invite him, will you later regret it? When he dies, will you feel terrible that you didn't have him at your wedding? Not everyone is a perfect person and there are a lot of people who suck as parents, but children still love them. If you love him even a little, think long and hard before you cut him out. On one hand, you can have the peaceful day you want, but on the other hand, regret can last forever.

Good luck.

[Mara]

I don't plan on inviting my father to my wedding. He isn't an awful person, I don't hate him, but he has the tendency to create drama and say awful things. We don't have a relationship, I can count the times I've seen him in my life on my hands, and I don't feel any sort of remorse, guilt, or doubt about my long standing decision not to invite him to my wedding when I get married.

But I think your situation is different. I think you and your father do have a relationship even if it is damaged and it sounds like perhaps it could be repaired down the line and I think that's something you may want in the future [just from reading your posts]. If so, I wouldn't do anything to alienate him unless that's what you want because not inviting him would alienate him. At the least, if you don't want to invite him, I'd just tell him that you the two of you are just getting married at the city clerk's office and aren't making any big fuss.

[SquishyLove]

Still on the fence, as this isn't an easy decision to make. I do plan if I don't include him to just tell him that he and I eloped. That being said, I feel like lying to him would make me a hypocrite because he's lied to me before. I'll just think about it, and actually I might talk to my mom to see just how uncomfortable she would be with him there. I might be using her as an excuse (she doesn't enjoy being around him, but I know she doesn't expect me to exclude him either). Thanks for the thoughts everyone!