Moving in before getting engaged/married?

[Sharon Q]

I wasnt sure where to post this, I suppose here would be logical.

Personally I feel that moving in with your partner before getting engaged or married is a good way to test the waters so to speak.

I had a teacher who thought moving in before getting moving in with your partner before getting married showed
" lack of commitment "

I was wondering what the opinions here were.

Do you feel moving in before marriage or an engagement is a good way to test the waters or is it just a lack of commitment ?

[Trethsparr]

I already know I'll be outvoted here, based on the responses I've seen in previous threads, but I chose to wait until after marriage to move in with my SO. I don't know that it shows "a lack of commitment" to co-habituate, per say, as I do believe it does take commitment to take that step, definitely. (Merging households and all is no simple task.)

But, to be honest, it was tremendously special for us to wait until after marriage to take that step. It brought us together as one both materially and physically (we abstained from sex prior to marriage and were both virgins), and it is truly unlike any relationship we've ever had before in our lives - and we love it.

I do believe, based on my observations and study, that the statistics on separation rates for couples who lived together before marriage (those who got that far, that is) are, indeed, higher. I mean no offense and broad-stroke brush with my parenthetical statement: I have seen co-habituating couples get married, and I've also seen them split up. But for us, living together first wasn't the right choice.

[spaztastic3343]

I think it is a good way to test the waters. But maybe you shouldnt just move in all at once. Maybe you should start with spending weekends together or something small like that and working up to moving in together. This way if something happens you each will have a place to go back to. But I think it is a good idea, my boyfriend and I are talking about me staying every weekend with him when he eventually moves back to NJ this way we can see how it is to live together for the future

[Madge]

I already know I'll be outvoted here, based on the responses I've seen in previous threads, but I chose to wait until after marriage to move in with my SO. I don't know that it shows "a lack of commitment" to co-habituate, per say, as I do believe it does take commitment to take that step, definitely. (Merging households and all is no simple task.)

But, to be honest, it was tremendously special for us to wait until after marriage to take that step. It brought us together as one both materially and physically (we abstained from sex prior to marriage and were both virgins), and it is truly unlike any relationship we've ever had before in our lives - and we love it.

I do believe, based on my observations and study, that the statistics on separation rates for couples who lived together before marriage (those who got that far, that is) are, indeed, higher. I mean no offense and broad-stroke brush with my parenthetical statement: I have seen co-habituating couples get married, and I've also seen them split up. But for us, living together first wasn't the right choice.

Wow that is amazing! I am glad that worked out for the both of you

My situation with my SO is a bit different as I do live with him every time I go over and generally I stay for around 3 months. I don't think it is a lack of commitment Its more of a "I'm in a international LDR and can't afford 3 months worth of accommodation on my own "

Every relationship is different and I don't bear judgment on others who wait or live with there partner for a year before getting hitched.

[Isla]

I, personally don't think you can marry someone before you know what it's like to live with them. Just the same with "saving yourself for marriage"-- how can you marry someone when you don't even know if you'll be compatible sexually?

Having said that though, I'm sure it works for some people to have that sort of mystery, and if does work then awesome! I wouldn't feel comfortable doing that though.

[Trethsparr]

Wow that is amazing! I am glad that worked out for the both of you

Thanks, Madge!

Just the same with "saving yourself for marriage"-- how can you marry someone when you don't even know if you'll be compatible sexually?

Communicating about expectations before tying the knot is crucial.

[kiara_silver]

I made this thread before, i find this question interesting, to see everyone thoughts.
I wanted to save myself for marriage too. I know there's that question about how do you know if your compatible. But I truly think sex is a show of love, so its a way to express that love, and you learn as you go. My family would want me to move in after im married. (they wanted me to also wait and save myself) At one point I wouldn't have wanted to move in until I was married, but things happened and changed my view. Now I think I would love to move in with my SO, but I know that were heading toward marriage so that also helps.
I had read somewhere that those who move in before marriage have a higher divorce rate, but not sure if thats completely true or not.

[heylittlekrissy]

Imo, under the circumstances of my relationship, I would be totally okay moving in first before getting married, as we live so far away, I would want to be living together right away after we get married, but don't know that I'd want to have to handle the stress of a wedding (with us being 1500 miles away from each other, so trying to get all our family and friends together, oh my) and then moving in asap, I think it would be too much. If I were in a CDR, I would probably want to wait until after we marry to move in together.

I do think that moving in together without getting married is slowly becoming more socially acceptable; but, on the other hand, I know that some states, such as Florida, have laws and legislation against couples living together unmarried, so that's kind of interesting there.

[mllebamako]

We lived together before we got engaged and still live together now (not married yet). I think opinions on this often depend on how you were raised. I think just by examples around me (in my family, etc), I came to imagine that I would live with my future partner before marriage.

For our situation, I am really glad we are living together now. Not only because it's fun, etc. But because it has brought up a lot of issues that I really want us to work out before getting married. We come from very very different cultures and there are many things to be discussed. I don't think some of them would've come up if we hadn't been living together.

[leonsfangirl]

I don't think there is a right and wrong way of doing this, it will depend on the couple. I lived with my ex husband before we married and we split up, my sister waited till she was married before moving in with her husband and there still together. I don't think it shows a lack of commitment to choose not to move in right away, it's up to the couple to do whats best for them. I'd personally like to live with my SO before we marry though.

[blankita719]

@Trethsparr - I actually commend you on sticking to your choice. It was always my intention as a teenager to save myself for marriage but it didn't work out that way for me.

I lived my my ex for many years and we never married. Honestly, I think living together and seeing the real him was one of the factors as to why I never went through with marriage to him. In a way, it saved me. When my SO and I close the distance, more than likely I'll be moving up there ( ) and I would rather move in with him to close the distance than get up there and have to find my own place. The cost of living is much higher where he is than down here in FL. But I think even if we were close distance, we would be living together. He's a strong believer in testing the waters especially since we've both been engaged and living with other people that didn't work out before.

[Kerry]

I wouldn't feel comfortable living with my bf before we got married. he knows how I feel about this and is fine with it. I guess I'm just more old-fashioned this way.

[Haley53]

I disagree that moving in with someone prior to getting married means there's more likely to be a chance of the relationship ending. Perhaps techinically, as divorces can be complicated, messy, and expensive, but I don't believe whether or not one moved in together before marriage has any bearing on whether or not the couple stays together. It's not like you're getting one person before marriage and a different, more compatible person after. You're moving in with the same person, and I do think it's a good idea to test the waters. No, we wouldn't be able to see every miniscule compatibility via living together pre-marriage, but we would be able to see one another in ways we wouldn't normally, such as how do we handle finances, how do we separate the bills, etc. and I think that that's an important. I wouldn't get married to someone I hadn't lived with together, for at least a consecutive year, beforehand.

[lucybelle]

Well I've stated this is previous threads as well, but I'm all for test driving the car before buying.

[CynicalQuixotic]

I do believe, based on my observations and study, that the statistics on separation rates for couples who lived together before marriage (those who got that far, that is) are, indeed, higher. I mean no offense and broad-stroke brush with my parenthetical statement: I have seen co-habituating couples get married, and I've also seen them split up. But for us, living together first wasn't the right choice.

What observations and study? Want to give us links?

I really dislike seeing this "statistic" quoted, because it's meaningless. The reason why separation/divorce rates are higher with co-habitating couples (if it even is at all, I've never seen one legit study linked to back this up) is entirely circumstantial: co-habitating couples are a self-selecting group in that, pretty much across the board, they are more ideologically liberal and less religious than those who choose not to co-habitate before marriage. Unmarried couples are probably more likely in general to separate than married couples just due to the fact that their relationship has no legal ties, regardless of their living situation. In the event that a co-habitating couple does get married, divorce rates are higher in that group in general (i.e. people who identify as liberal and non-religious), due to the fact that divorce is frowned upon in most strict religious circles. Obviously there are going to be more divorces among a subset of said group that does not consider divorce to be a taboo. That does not mean that co-habitation specifically causes divorce. Correlation does NOT equal causality!

[/rant]

As you can probably tell by what I said previous, haha, I believe it's essential for a couple to live together before getting married. As mllebamako said before, especially with international couples raised in two different cultures, it brings up a lot of cultural/practical issues that I think should be squared away and addressed before you commit to spend the rest of your lives with each other. Also as Trethsparr mentioned, signing a lease with someone is a commitment in and of itself!

I also can't imagine marrying someone without ever having had sex with them, but, I guess that's a different opinion for a different thread.