Meeting for the first time

[whitedeer_84]

Sorry everyone! I should have led with this. I agree with you whatruckus...it's like he doesn't mind mooching off of others and that's what bothers me. If he had said I need more time to save money and buy a ticket, it wouldn't have bothered me at all but the way he did it annoyed me.

[whitedeer_84]

Not at all Mims27...I didn't think you were being rude. I felt everyone reacted strongly which is why I decided to share the rest of the story. He's a very sweet talker and I feel this would've been a Chance to show me that his actions match his words and he wasn't able to do that

[whitedeer_84]

I told him that I felt he doesn't think I'm worth buying a ticket for and he said he could've but he didn't need to because of his friend's miles but that's exactly the point. He had a choice and he choose not to spend money but to get a free ticket instead whereas I still have to spend about $500. Just doesn't seem like he's putting in as much effort as I am....

[snow]

I still think anyone of us would have done the same if given the chance.

Before I bought a ticket, I always checked online to find the lowest rates, promotion codes or anything else to make it cheaper. My dad offered to ask some friends of his and if they had given me free miles, I would have taken them in a heartbeat, HOWEVER, we would have probably made different arrangements in the end. Let's say I got a free ticket, but he didn't, well then we would have split the cost. In fact, the first time around we split the money I spent on the plane ticket, the other two times, I payed for my ticket, he payed for everything else while I was there.

My point is, just because he found a way to save money, doesn't necessarily mean he's not invested, it simply means he will not spend money unless he has to. You said he was financially worse off than you, shouldn't you be happy that he didn't spend money on something that he didn't have to? Now he has more money to spend on other things. It actually means that he is putting a lot of effort into this, because he could have easily spent the money, but he was looking for ways not to, that's effort, that doesn't just come from nothing. Would you really still have spent the money if you knew you didn't have to?

I think the real issue here is that you want each other to be even, but you're not offering any realistic way to be even. He is not going to pay for a ticket he got for free, so how else could you maybe split the money. Maybe instead of you alone paying 500$, he can contribute 250$ since he saved his share.

Don't start keeping scores.

[sasad]

well, if he is mooching, then he would not buy a ticket if he could get it basically for free... It seems like you feel he isnt having to pay for anything ... maybe he doesnt have the money and is doing what he can to get something for nothing. I thnk because you have given him money already that he should at least have offerd to help pay for part of his visit. I think I do get what you are trying to say. You are annoyed as he appears to be taking the free way out in every part of this trip.
I am not saying this is good or bad, but trying to understand what you are feeling.

[whitedeer_84]

Sasad I think you hit the nail on the head. The issue isn't using a promotion or getting a discount. The issue is that he seems to be trying his best to do everything for free and he didn't even bother offering to split the cost. Why would you ask friends for miles until you found someone who had them? Why not just save? Money has been an issue since the very beginning. I make good money and I don't mind spending it whereas he seems to always want to find the cheapest way possible. I think this might be an indicator of a bigger problem....a lack of financial compatibility.

[whatruckus]

Sasad I think you hit the nail on the head. The issue isn't using a promotion or getting a discount. The issue is that he seems to be trying his best to do everything for free and he didn't even bother offering to split the cost. Why would you ask friends for miles until you found someone who had them? Why not just save? Money has been an issue since the very beginning. I make good money and I don't mind spending it whereas he seems to always want to find the cheapest way possible. I think this might be an indicator of a bigger problem....a lack of financial compatibility.

I mean, it's one thing if you have friends and family that can hook you up, but you should still offer to repay them back in some way. Which, in this case, it doesn't really look like he does. He seems like he just take, take, takes.

[Ella85]

If you lent your SO money he should be paying you back before asking again (in fact actually he shouldn't be asking!) If you offered to lend it to him thats fine, but he should be paying you back at the first open opportunity. My ex had me paying for everything, all the traveling everything, he sucked my finances dry and left me in debt. I'd just be careful of someone who thinks it's ok to 'borrow' money and never pay you back. But the airmiles thing I don't see as an issue at all. The borrowing and not paying back thing I do.

[hmrambling]

I'm not big on lending anyone money, honestly. I want someone who is financially stable, and I believe that there is such a thing as financial compatibility. I would have to inventory whether his financial situation is or is not a dealbreaker for me. There are some people out there who will try to take advantage of a situation if allowed. Where will you guys stay? Who will pay for that? Is he contributing at all to the visit? Did he make plans to pay back the money you lent him?

[whitedeer_84]

I'm also big on financial stability but he justifies it by saying that he just switched career paths and it'll take time to establish himself. Fair enough but I'm not a big fan of borrowing or lending money. I think it screws up relationships. I'm only flying out for a day because of work so I'm going in the morning and coming back at night. He has family so he's going to spend a few nights. I might stay the night but I would stay in a hotel and not with him at his cousin's place and I would pay for my hotel. No plans to pay me back yet. We had quite a fight about this when he asked for money a second time. He said it makes a person very vulnerable and he felt comfortable asking. I think he needs to man up and get s second job and take care of his financial situation.

[whatruckus]

If you lent your SO money he should be paying you back before asking again (in fact actually he shouldn't be asking!) If you offered to lend it to him thats fine, but he should be paying you back at the first open opportunity. My ex had me paying for everything, all the traveling everything, he sucked my finances dry and left me in debt. I'd just be careful of someone who thinks it's ok to 'borrow' money and never pay you back. But the airmiles thing I don't see as an issue at all. The borrowing and not paying back thing I do.

Same here! My ex asked me for money ALL the time, and even had me ask my dad for money. My dad let him "borrow" $2k as a down payment on a car because his crapped out and had to junk it. We haven't seen that money since, and when I asked my ex for it back after we broke up, he ignored every message and phone call and email about it. He was supposed to pay it off while we were still together (and we were together for 6 months after he got the money and bought the car).

[Ella85]

Same here! My ex asked me for money ALL the time, and even had me ask my dad for money. My dad let him "borrow" $2k as a down payment on a car because his crapped out and had to junk it. We haven't seen that money since, and when I asked my ex for it back after we broke up, he ignored every message and phone call and email about it. He was supposed to pay it off while we were still together (and we were together for 6 months after he got the money and bought the car).

Oh yeah I lent my ex's brother $2000 and then I paid for his living expenses for 3 years after he moved back to the US as he couldn't be bothered to file the visa paperwork so came over here for 4 years to live as an over stayer while his dad financially supported him. I learned my lesson the hard way when it comes to money. I would lend my boyfriend money, but I would expect him to pay it back and I trust him to do that. But once the trust is broken that's pretty much it.