Seconds thoughts?

[LibraLady]

Hello everyone, So here's a brief back story to my relationship..We met online about 3 months ago through a social media app, I was married at the time in an open relationship with my husband. I met we'll call him UK guy he started talking to me, he was really funny and I enjoyed corresponding with him. we did that for about a month and then he said when are we going to have a proper video chat? So we did, and it was amazing, we video chatted for 3-4hours almost every day.We ended up having cam sex once and then it just bloomed from there, almost every time we spoke we would do it, Im so attracted to him physically and he feels the same way towards me. My husband was starting to get a little worried as to how much time I was spending with this person. We started to fight almost every day and one day I just woke up and was like.. I'm not attracted to you anymore I think we should get separated. So that's where we are at now, I actually applied to school in the UK because i found out I can do a program in much shorter time there that Ive always wanted to do. So I booked flights and I am going to meet him in 2 weeks, we have no been exclusive with each other but says things like "you're the only person I want to kiss and I only have eyes for you" It just feels like ever since I got separated things have started to fall through the crack with us, we are both too busy to find time to video chat much any more and since booking my flights he says he's really nervous, tells me he is scared and has gone all quite, we barely talk and he tells me I'm being insecure if I question things, nothing has changed about the way he feels he says..It just feels so different now though.

Any advice would be great as I'm sort of disappointed and freaking out a little that I spent money and took time off work for this wonderful person I connected with so instantly that doesn't seem like hes that into me anymore

Also he has a criminal record for something silly and can't travel to see me..so I'm always going to be the one to put in the effort and travel is seems.

[kittyxuchiha11]

There will be a lot of people here who tell you some people just freak out and over think stuff a lot, especially when it comes to meeting someone you really like for the first time. Most people when they're nervous have the habit of withdrawing a bit and focusing on other things to try keep busy and stop being so nervous and worried, so i wouldn't worry too much. as long as he hasn't told you that he doesn't want you visiting or anything you really have nothing to worry about, he's just probably nervous and honestly could just be more busy just now.

[autumn1790]

I hope I'm not the only one concerned that this might be going a little too fast...three months? Especially with someone with a criminal record... All I can say is please have a backup plan and go in with eyes wide open...obviously chemistry is awesome but so is staying in one piece. Good luck!

[R&R]

We don't know him or why he's feeling the way he is now. Some people do just get really nervous. Some people like the excitement of an LDR because there is the distance and kind of a fantasy, but when it becomes reality, well that's not what they really wanted. Maybe he enjoyed being "the other man" and now he's the only man and that's not what he wanted. (My ex-husband had an affair with the same woman both times I was pregnant. When we got divorced and he wanted to date her, she declined because "the excitement is gone now that you're single".)

I would highly suggest having a Plan B for when you arrive. Make sure you know the good hotels in the area, ways to get around the town and other things you may want to do. This way, if things don't work out, you can still make the most of your visit.

[kittyo9]

Also he has a criminal record for something silly and can't travel to see me..so I'm always going to be the one to put in the effort and travel is seems.

I had a whole bit here about the above being untrue for the states but then went back and realized you're in Canada and not the US! Sorry. I don't know how Canada handles their visitors from the UK, but in the US, if you have a criminal record and can't use the Visa Waiver Program, you can still apply for a regular tourist visa. I also know that having a criminal record does not keep you out of Canada entirely-- I have a friend in the UK who was arrested for something minor years ago who just got back from a year in Canada.

The second thing I want to say is that I, too, am very vulnerable to my insecurities and sometimes I have days where I am so sure that my SO is no longer interested in me the way he was before. It is very hard to get through those days without causing problems in my relationship, but I try to remind myself frequently that I've had days like this before and that every time I talk to him about it, he reminds me that he is very much into me and that he wants to be with me. I will let him know when I'm feeling insecure, and usually he'll respond by trying to give me a little more attention (if he can). It's okay to let your SO know how you feel, but don't let it consume you. You're valuable on your own.

The third thing I want to say is not to rush your separation. I'm young and I haven't been married and all that, so of course I am lacking in perspective, but 3 months is still in what I would consider the "introductory" phase of a relationship, and it is not uncommon for things to start fast and heavy and peter out around this time. However, you've opened this up to discussion with him and he has told you that nothing has changed for him, so I'd refer back to my second point, above. Keep in mind that relationships do evolve and change with time as things change in your lives. Maybe you're both busier-- that's okay, but also don't throw away what you already have. Maybe just see how things go with this guy in person and then make a decision from there. I worry that the damage has already been done, though, having told your husband that you're no longer attracted to him.

[LibraLady]

Yes I agree 3 months is a little fast but i couldn't sit around and wait, I have to know now which is why i'm going to see him. He has a criminal record for texting a "threatening" thing to his ex, she blew it way our of proportion and basically baited him, she told him she was going to ruin his life blah blah blah. It's quite silly in Canada they would just be like block the number..Nothing I can do about it now though, This happened about a year ago but recently just had his court date so he was convicted only last month. He could have gotten jail time, I honestly think that's crazy!! For sending a nasty text to someone..wow!

[LibraLady]

Yeah he can apply for a visa pardon after 5 years. Still a while to wait. We kinda has another argument today about things, he said you push me away when you act like this, I think you're just excited but you don't even know if you'll like me in person. Maybe he's right, Maybe I have built up this fantasy of him in my mind and he's afraid he won't live up to it. Honestly though video chatting it the next best thing to being in person, I can't see how he'd be that much different, Unless hes been putting on and act when we talk? I don't think that's him though, I don't know him that well but I feel like I've known him a lifetime.

[LibraLady]

My cousin lives about an hour away from where I'm staying so I have a back up plan! Thanks for your concern though, It's pretty freaking scary tbh.

[autumn1790]

Yeah he can apply for a visa pardon after 5 years. Still a while to wait. We kinda has another argument today about things, he said you push me away when you act like this, I think you're just excited but you don't even know if you'll like me in person. Maybe he's right, Maybe I have built up this fantasy of him in my mind and he's afraid he won't live up to it. Honestly though video chatting it the next best thing to being in person, I can't see how he'd be that much different, Unless hes been putting on and act when we talk? I don't think that's him though, I don't know him that well but I feel like I've known him a lifetime.

I honestly can understand how he feels. Sometimes I wonder if I mentally make my SO into something he's not. It's easy to overlook faults and emphasise the awesomeness of an individual in person; I feel like it's even easier to do that online because you can read text messages the way you want them to sound to you. Even video calls are staged; you can't see how the other person reacts in public to other people like waiters, for example. It's easy to fake a nice smile for a 15-minute call. If he's afraid your glasses are too rosy and he won't live up to your expectations, he has a legitimate fear, and maybe you could spend a little more time getting to know each other and not rush so fast.

[Saralovesjason]

I think you should treat this first meeting like a first date. I know you have a lot invested already, but ask yourself, should I? This visit is to see if the sparks are present in person. That's it. He could be wondering if he's all you hope him, afraid to disappoint. He's really just a person, flaws and virtues, but imperfect. Just like you. Right before our first meeting, I panicked a bit. I told him days before he was due to arrive that I had a pimple and that got me scrutinizing all my flaws. I told him how concerned I was to let him down, and with warmth and sensitivity, he said he had similar fears. We agreed to take each other as we are, and then decide. This accepting attitude let us really relax and enjoy.