Who is the planner?

[MushuChicken]

For those of you who either are in or have been in a relationship with ongoing visits, I have the following question: who is the planner in your relationship, and does that ever change?

From the beginning, I have sort of taken charge when it comes to the planning process. It is something I enjoy, and it's also something I am pretty good at it. Typically, we come to some sort of plan on general time frame, general place (whether it's meeting halfway or where we visit or whatever) and then I sort of take the reins from there. Obviously I discuss suggestions with him before any decisions are made.

Anyway, the last time we were together, he had suggested spending some time together during the holidays. I agreed that I thought that was a nice idea, and we sort of said it was a "tentative" plan. However, it has not come up since. It hasn't been mentioned at all.

It was his suggestion, so I figured I would let him lead on this. I figured once he knows his work schedule and/or whether tentative becomes actual, he would let me know and we could get going on figuring out plans. At this point, we are roughly 2-3 weeks out. But, maybe since I am usually the planner on things, he is expecting me to be proactively doing something.

I feel it is a bit of a stalemate right now. It doesn't help that I have had some friends discourage me from mentioning it (bc they think he should put forth the effort, not me) and that has sort of gotten inside my head. If I don't do anything bc I am expecting him to come up with something; and he doesn't do anything bc he is expecting me to come up with plans like normal....we are sort of at an impasse. I guess I wish I knew a way of hinting at it or bringing it up without actually bringing it up....so that I can feel out what he is thinking on it, give him the opportunity to let him tell me his plans, in order to get the ball rolling.

[Floating_cookie]

I think because there's two people in the relationship it should be close to equal effort or take turns of taking charge. I don't think it's right for one person to do all the work and figure everything out as it acts pressure and the other person can get to comfortable for things being organised for them. It sounds like from reading your post that he's too comfortable with you taking charge. I would mention it to him because he might just be clueless or just misunderstood thinking that you're planning the trip. I feel that hints might be easily missed or get messy which leads to fights. I would straight out ask him "So how the plan going for out next meet?". It can go one of two ways. The first one being him realising that he is suppose to plan this time. Or him telling you the details he's already figured out.

Whatever happens, hopefully you can organise something. The main thing is that you meet up and enjoy each other's company.

[Ejoriah]

My boyfriend is clueless at hints so I've gotten into the habit of bluntly asking for what I need from him. We are planning our next getaway together and I told him "I planned last time's, could you please be in charge of this one" and he's stepped up. I don't quite understand why you don't want to just bring it up? You two are a team. If the visit doesn't happen because of his lack of planning, you both suffer. So why not ask it point blank? He may just be thinking that you prefer to plan things because you have planned things before. Or he thought that because he was the one who suggested it, you would be the one to bring it up next. There's really no way of knowing where he's at unless you ask.

I like Floating_cookie's idea of asking how the planning is going, and that might lead into a conversation about expectations when it comes to planning trips together.

[MushuChicken]

Well here is a little bit of an update.

I brought it up delicately but relatively straightforward. Sure enough, he was just like..."Uh, I thought we had already talked about New Years?"

And there we have it. Now, if I hadn't said anything at all, I have no clue how long it would have taken to come up....if at all. I am sure at some point in the next couple of weeks, he would have said something, and then I'd be scrambling. Haha.

[Redheart14]

My husband let’s me plan and I’m happy with that. For me he’s too laid back at booking things. One time he was booking flights to visit me when we were LD. I asked him if he’d booked them and he said he’d have heaps of time and promised he’d be there. Well he kept his promise he was there, but due to the late booking the flight cost him $700. After that I decided I’d stick to the organisation on things. I booked our honeymoon a year in advance and saved heaps. When he jokes about me being too organised I remind him jokingly about his $700 flight. He has input into the intinerary but bookings are left to me. I’m ok with that. It all depends on what you’re comfortable with.

[2Rocky]

I tend to be the planner. After 22 dates I've figured out that a weekend visit should have one EVENT and the rest has to go with the flow. So when someone asks your SO "whatchu gonna do?" you don't reply "Uh, screw each others brains out...." Instead you can say "We are going to go see Wicked at the Theater" and leave out the fact you are spending the rest of the time in Bed...

For the longer visits like the summer, I usually will have one Date for each week

For traveling together, we identify one thing we want to see in each location, make THAT happen, and play the rest by ear.

TBH we have cancelled some of out planned activities because the days were already too full. Usually the person who is the Host plans the events.

Each visit, I can remember the Event that the visit was about (I've got them written in a spreadsheet.)

[autumn1790]

It depends on the situation. I'm definitely the planner who needs to have a date and tickets/lodging booked to have ease of mind. Other than that, I'll do whatever. He can procrastinate booking tickets til Kingdom Come, but he needs to have a plan of things to do. He hates just sitting around.
Sounds like a lovely balance on paper; it's more of a constant battle that we're slooowly learning to deal with.

[MushuChicken]

Yeah, I really don't care about micromanaging plans or anything like that. And, he knows that. It's not like I want to know where we are going to eat, what we are going to do, and have a line by line itinerary for things. And, I don't necessarily expect him to make those plans either. If he wants to and he does, that's fine. But, I certainly don't expect it.

Our weekends have ranged anywhere from doing lots of stuff to winging it and just doing whatever pops in our heads to spending all weekend in bed, or recovering from it. They've all been enjoyable in their own unique ways. And I have fond feelings about them all.

I guess I was just thinking of planning in a more broad way....deciding the dates, throwing some ideas out there, and so on. I think we are very similar to Autumn and her beloved actually. Like I said, I mean it's very possible it would have been a few days ahead of time before he brought it up, and I just need more time than that. Even if he is just coming to see me, I still need to clean, cook, plan menus, see what restaurants will be open, see if there are any NYE activities and so on. If we are going to actually GO somewhere, it would be even more so.